Yearly Archives: 2022

As the year winds down, here’s one that moves right to the top of the list of Bozos for 2022. From Gainesville, Georgia, comes the story of our bozo who had an armed robbery all planned out. He waited outside a local business, hidden in some bushes, waiting for an employee to emerge so he could jump him. He failed to take into account the side door, and when someone emerged from that exit, it frightened him, causing him to fire off his gun and attempt a hasty getaway. All good except…look out for that icy spot on the sidewalk! He took a nasty fall and was knocked silly, giving bystanders an opportunity to disarm him and call the cops. Busted! Charged with armed robbery and aggravated assault.

Sometimes we have to waive the “criminal” qualification from one of our stories that is so totally Bozo that we just can’t pass it up. Such is the case with today’s story from the International File in Toulon, France. Our 88 (yes 88) year-old bozo showed up at the hospital and reported that he had inserted an object up his rectum and couldn’t remove it. No problem, let’s take you into x-ray and take a look. Hold on…that looks like…an artillery shell?! Not taking any chances the hospital was evacuated and incoming patients diverted until the situation could be further assessed. The man told them it was indeed a World War I artillery shell, eight inches long and two inches wide, that he had inserted up his backside for “sexual pleasure.” The man was taken into surgery where the shell was removed without incident. Shell-shocked doctors and bomb disposal experts said that, while it was possible, it was unlikely the shell would have exploded inside the man.

Bozo criminal for today from Tampa, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 98944232: It’s never a good idea to use animals as a weapon. The cops were called to a residence on a report of domestic battery. Further investigation found that our bozo, Susan Franklin, had gotten into an argument with her girlfriend, at which time she picked up her cat and used it to scratch the face of her domestic partner. The victim, who suffered numerous lacerations on her face, pressed charges and our bozo was charged with domestic battery. The cat, while clearly an accomplice, was not charged.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockdale County, Georgia, where the local Sheriff’s department posted a “Most Wanted List” on their Facebook page. Obviously, they were hoping to hear from the public giving them leads on catching these dangerous crooks. What they got was instead a response from a Bozo who felt slighted by the whole thing. Bozo Christopher Spencer posted “How about me” on the Sheriff’s Office page. Bad idea. The cops quickly tracked him down and placed him under arrest, but not before replying on social media, “You are correct. You have two warrants. We are on the way.” Busted!

Tis the holiday season and as always the Bozos are coming out in force. Today’s story comes from Traverse City, Michigan, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a Christmas party at the Hotel Indigo. Apparently a man in a Grinch costume got into a fight with another partygoer in a reindeer outfit. When the fight spilled out of the bar and into the lobby area, a hotel employee tried to intervene. And that’s when things took a nasty turn. Instead of fighting each other, Mr. Reindeer and Mr. Grinch turned on the poor employee, with Mr. Reindeer shoving him to the ground. The Grinch then pummeled the poor guy, giving him a black eye and breaking his watch. The cops arrived and, after getting things under control, arrested the Grinch and charged him with assault and battery. Mr. Reindeer got a warning to be nice and was not charged.

Once again, it’s the holiday season. And once again we are pleased to report that many local Walmart stores are hosting the “Shop With a Cop” event where officers assist local children shopping for Christmas presents. And of course every year bozos want to get involved, too. Today’s report comes courtesy of Gregory Lay who let us know what happened during the event in St. Cloud, in Osceola County, Florida. It seems the Walmart there was in total Shop With a Cop mode, with the store full of 40 deputies, the forensics team, the community services team, the CSOs, the OSCO Majors and the Sheriff when bozo Brad decided to shoplift a few items, including gloves and perfume. Bad, bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Houston, Texas, where a homeowner was in the process of moving out of her residence when she returned home to find a broken window and some things in disarray. Then she noticed something else…two bozos asleep on her patio. Cops were called and apparently our crooks completely wore themselves out ransacking her house and decided to take a brief nap before making their getaway. They’re now getting plenty of rest in the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miramar Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to the Ann Taylor store on a report of a shoplifting incident. Cops were led to the dressing room where our bozo had left the tags for 18 items behind. But that wasn’t all she left. Her cell phone was there. And, unexpectedly, she also left behind some pee. Yep, she peed on the floor. Well, there’s your DNA right there. Cops used the phone to get in touch with her husband who ratted her out and gave them a description of the car she was driving. In the meantime, another call came in, this time from Saks Off Fifth, where she tried to steal six pair of men’s jeans by hiding them under her coat. A deputy grabbed her and found the other stolen items in her car. Busted! No word on the fate of the pee.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Wright, Kentucky, where the cops set up a prostitution sting at the local Days Inn. It didn’t take long before they recognized our bozo, who had been busted for plying her trade previously. This story wouldn’t merit mentioning except for one thing. Her John didn’t give her cash. He gave her a $100 Speedway gas card. Well, times are tough all over, even for working ladies. Busted! Charged with prostution.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Our crook had his robbery of the Halifax bank all planned out. He would walk in, gun in one hand and a bag for the cash in the other. He would flash the gun, demand cash, and make a clean getaway. Sounds good, right? Let’s see what went wrong. He walked in as planned. Demanded cash as planned. Handed the gun to the teller. Huh? Yep, he got confused and instead of handing the bag to the teller, he passed over the gun. The teller grabbed the weapon, sounded the alarm and sent down the security shutters. There was nothing left for our bozo to do but run out and pedal away on a bank worker’s bike, which was just outside the door. An arrest is pending.

Bozo Criminal for today from the International File in Zagreb, Croatia proves once again that bozos and modern technology don’t mix. The cops pulled over our two bozos for driving erratically and, upon further investigation, discovered 100 grams of marijuana in their car. They were taken to the station for further questioning and that’s when they received a text from one of their bozo friends. And what was in that text? It was simple and straight to the point, “Water my weed, please.” Busted! Cops discovered a small backyard plantation at his house.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where, according to the cops, Precious Harper was shopping at her local Walmart when she encountered our bozo, Maneka Wilson in the potato chip aisle. Apparently these ladies have some sort of history, having been neighbors in the past. Things heated up quickly, leading to our bozo grabbing a 10 pound log of beef from Precious’s cart and clubbing her with it. Cooler heads prevailed and the two were separated before further damage could be done with the burger roll. Our bozo was taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. No word on what happened to the hamburger.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where TSA agents noticed something rather strange at a baggage checkpoint. A raw chicken. OK…so you’re taking a raw chicken with you on this flight? Mind if we frisk the chicken? Further inspection found that the chicken was stuffed…with a gun. Yep this bozo stuck a gun inside a chicken and tried to get through airport security. Bad idea. He’s busted! No word on the fate of the chicken.

Our bozo for today from Raleigh, North Carolina, comes from the Good Eats file. It seems our unidentified female bozo had ordered some to-go pulled pork from Clyde Cooper’s Barbeque. After she opened her food she became so upset that she felt the need to call 911. Perhaps a bug in her food? Nope? Maybe evidence of rodent infestation? Nah. Perhaps a piece of metal or something else that wasn’t supposed to be there? No way. She called to complain that some pieces of her pork were pink instead of brown. OK. After discussing the matter with the owners, an officer explained to her that the pink meat was “smoke rings” indicating that the barbeque had been cooked just like it was supposed to be cooked, over a smoky fire. Never mind. Bon appetit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gastonia, North Carolina, where the cops were called to a report of shots fired. Upon arrival, they found a 64-year-old woman in her backyard, firing at full cans of Diet Mountain Dew. Target practice? Nope, she told the cops she didn’t approve of her father drinking the Dew and this was her way of disposing of them. Maybe pour them down the sink next time. She was cited for discharging a firearm within the city limits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri, where the cops were called to a report of gunfire. On their way to the scene, a man stepped in front of the marked patrol car, walked to the passenger side, and pointed a gun at the officers. At some point he noticed the vehicle he was trying to carjack was a cop car and he fled on foot. He was quickly apprehended. Charged with first-degree robbery, armed criminal action and resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longmeadow, Massachusetts. Sheriff’s deputies were attempting to serve an eviction notice at a residence when our bozo pulled up. Towing a trailer. Full of bee hives. Bozo Rorie Williams then calmly put on a beekeepers suit, started shaking the hives, breaking the cover off one and sending a swarm of bees in the direction of the deputies. Several deputies were stung before the bees were brought under control and our beekeeping bozo was placed under arrest. She has pleaded not guilty and is awaiting trial on charges of assault with, um, deadly insects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where bozo Zulema Jefferson walked into local sheriff’s office and handed her job application to a security guard. Nothing wrong with that, right? Right, unless you happen to be wanted on a fraud charge in Pennsylvania. After the cops discovered who she was, they called her back in, ostensibly for an interview. She was quickly placed under arrest and, after she was found to be in possession of two stolen credit cards, she was charged with theft in addition to the ten bench warrants for failure to appear in court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida where bozo Paul Simpson walked into a Chase bank with his hand under his shirt. He then made the shape of a gun with his finger and demanded cash from the teller, advising her to “not push any buttons.” She went along with the charade and gave him $120. The cops were called and he was captured on foot not far from the bank. He was taken into custody, along with his “weapon”.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas. Our unidentified bozo walked into a fast food restaurant and asked the person behind the counter for change for a $100 bill. When the employee called over his manager, our bozo pulled a gun and demanded cash. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he told the manager that it was his first time attempting a robbery. Seeing an opportunity, the manager simply refused to open the register. Our bozo then proceeded to try to negotiate an amount that the would be reasonable to both parties. No deal. He then left the establishment, probably to go home and practice in front of a mirror before trying again.