Yearly Archives: 2019

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Kent, Maine. Here’s the scenario: You’re a bozo who is behind on your rent, you have no money to pay and you know the landlord is coming over to collect. What to do? Call friends for a quick loan? Nope. Get a job and hope the landlord will give you more time? No way. Play dead and hope he’ll just go away? Yeah, that’s the ticket. When the landlord arrived, he found our bozo stretched out on the floor, unresponsive. However, instead of forgiving the rent payment, he called the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo made a miraculous recovery, awake and alert and talking to officers. He talked enough that the cops were able to discover that he was wanted on an outstanding warrant. Busted! He’s sleeping it off in the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kennewick, Washington, where the cops received a call from a man who reported that his pickup had been stolen. He said he left the keys in his 1992 Chevy and observed a man ride up on a bicycle, throw the bike in the back of the truck and drive off. The cops noticed surveillance cameras in the parking lot and, after taking a look, saw a lot more than our bozo had bargained for. The truck was indeed stolen, but footage also showed the reason our bozo was in the parking lot in the first place. He was burglarizing a business across the street. Oops. No word on the whereabouts of the truck but our bozo has been arrested and charged with burglary.

Our bozo for today from Rocky Mount, North Carolina forgot two important things: 1. Watermelons are heavy. 2. Fields are often muddy. Cops were called to a report of a suspicious person in a field just off Highway 97. When they arrived, they found our bozo, with a pickup truck loaded to the top of the bed with watermelons he had stolen from the field. His getaway was thwarted when the overloaded truck literally sunk up to the axles in mud. Police placed him under arrest on a misdemeanor larceny charge. No word on the fate of the watermelons.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo John Dempsey was in need of transportation. And, proving once again that you can get anything you need at Walmart, he headed to the store and drove off in one of their motorized carts. Things were going well as he headed down the road, making it almost a mile before he noticed something seemed to be wrong. Well, maybe this thing is low on fuel…? So he stopped at a convenience store and was trying to figure out a way to recharge it when the cops were called. Busted! Charged with theft and DUI

Bozo criminal for today from Mission Viejo, California was faced with a problem. He had two flat tires on his van and no spare. What to do? Call AAA? Nope. Have the car towed? No way. Buy a roll of gauze and a box of Band-Aids and repair it yourself? Exactly! Police responding to a report of a suspicious man next to a vehicle checked things out and placed our bozo under arrest, on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson County, Indiana, where our bozo was a passenger in a car on I-65. There was also a baby in the car who had a diaper that needed changing. No problem, right? Our bozo changed the diaper and then there was the question of what to do with the soiled diaper. It was a little smelly so our bozo rolled down the window and tossed it. It sailed right into the path of a car following behind, hitting the windshield and bouncing a couple of times. Which would have been on problem except for one teeny tiny little thing. The car was a police cruiser. Oops. Our bozo and the driver were pulled over and ticketed for littering.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Spoiled Brat Division of the International File in Yamunanagar in northern India. It seems our the proud parents of our teenage bozo wanted to give him a nice birthday present, a new car. Bozo brat wanted a Jaguar, but the parents could only afford a BMW. So, instead of being appreciative, our bozo went into a snit and pushed the brand new Beamer into a river because it was “too small” for him and his friends. Police are investigating but at this time have filed no charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Woodbury, New Jersey, where bozo Taija Richardson got a booty call from a male friend at 4 am. Thinking it sounded like a pretty good offer, she headed over to his house, only to find him sound asleep. When she couldn’t wake him up for some action, she headed to a convenience store, bought lighter fluid and a lighter and headed back to his place. Obviously intent on having a hot time one way or the other, our scorned lover set the place on fire. Fortunately, the man and his dog were able to escape, but the house is a total loss. She’s under arrest, charged with arson and attempted murder.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clinton, Iowa, where bozo Rachel Thompson was speeding when a cop spotted her and tried to pull her over. Instead of stopping, she fled, ran through a red light and led the cop on a chase. It was then that the sheriff’s office received a call from our bozo reporting that her car had been stolen. The caller identified the stolen car as the exact same one the officer was chasing. Let’s review. Bozo is speeding. Bozo flees from cop. Bozo calls sheriff from her cell phone to report her car stolen. Now all bozo has to do is elude the cop and she’ll be off the hook, right? Wrong. The officer radioed ahead and Stop Sticks where placed in the roadway. Busted! Our bozo was charged with eluding, driving with a suspended license, reckless driving, and speeding.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Culver City, California where our unidentified bozo stripped naked and attempted to burglarize a home before being confronted by the homeowners and fleeing. So, if your attempt to break into a home has been thwarted and you are buck naked, what do you do? Well, in this case our bozo thought the best idea was to climb up on a nearby roof and hide in a chimney. Bad idea. He soon saw the error of his ways and a man walking his dog heard his cries for help. The cops were notified and our naked friend was booked on suspicion of burglary.

Bozo criminal for today from Butler, Pennsylvania, once again proves that the old adage, Honesty is the Best Policy, does not apply to bozos. It seems bozo Marc Langston stole a credit card from a woman who gave him a ride. Armed with his stolen card, he headed straight for a cell phone store where he bought a phone for $200 and to another store where he bought $42 worth of beer and cigarettes. So far, so good, right? Nope. At both places, when asked to sign the receipt, he wrote in “Thief” rather than his name. Oops. Cops used video surveillance from both places to ID our bozo and quickly tracked him down. He’s been charged with receiving stolen property and theft by deception.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Cops were trying to serve a warrant on our bozo when he decided to make a run for it. He jumped from his balcony directly into some shrubbery where, unfortunately for him, a group of wasps had built a rather large nest. The angry wasps swarmed all over him, causing him to flee out into the street where the officers attempted to make an arrest, only to be attacked by the wasps themselves. Our bozo managed to break free and fled, with the wasps in hot pursuit. Looking for any place to hide, he jumped into an inflatable swimming pool. The pool may have kept the wasps at bay, but it didn’t hold back the cops, who placed him under arrest. No word on the fate of the wasps.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Broward County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a nude man bicycling down the street. Perhaps thinking that he needed to cover himself up, our bozo stopped at a sex shop and grabbed some underwear off the shelf. And since he had nowhere to carry his cash, he offered to trade his bicycle for the undies. He left the shop wearing the underwear, but perhaps it was chafing, as he soon removed and discarded the drawers. The cops finally caught up to him, strolling in the buff down the sidewalk. He was caught, covered up, and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today was a victim being in the wrong place at the wrong time when the worst possible thing happened. From Coney Island in New York comes the story of bozo Richard Walker who had a hankering for a donut. So, he walked into the local Dunkin’. He placed his order and, while waiting, adjusted his pants. When he did so, a gun fell out of the waistband to the floor. Now, remember where this happened. A donut shop. And of course there was a cop in there at the time. And to make matters worse, our bozo was a repeat felon. Uh-oh. He’s under arrest. No word if he got to enjoy his tasty donut.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Christie Baker called the cops to report that she had been assaulted by a neighbor. She told the cops that the neighbor had broken down the door, punched and scratched her. She showed them blood stains on her clothes and two black eyes. But something just didn’t seem right. Upon further investigation, they discovered a tube of “Vampire blood” left over from Halloween and a close look at those “black eyes” revealed they were applied with makeup. Not sure what her plan was, but it probably didn’t include being arrested and being charged with giving police a false report and falsifying physical evidence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where a man called the cops to report that a woman that had been staying at his apartment for the past week and left, stealing about $5000 in cash from the apartment. The cops tracked our bozo down and she confessed to stealing the money. A female officer was doing a routine strip search before booking her when she found something. Inside her vagina was $6233 in cash along with a clear plastic bag containing one gram of meth. It was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer the money and drugs did not belong to her and she had no idea how they got there. Um. OK. Busted! Charged with theft and narcotics possession.

Our bozo for today from the International File in Aberdare, South Wales proves once again that bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. The cops pulled over suspected drug dealer Scott Carson but before they could approach the car he tossed heroin and cocaine out the window. He denied dealing drugs and said what he had was for personal use only. It was then the cops noticed his car was equipped with a dashcam. Footage on the cam showed him making drug deals on his phone and giving specific details of what he had for sale. Busted! He was jailed for two years and six months after pleading guilty to possessing cocaine and possessing heroin with intent to supply and producing cannabis.

With all the negative news today the Bozo Reports offers for your consideration an uplifting story. From Lacey Township New Jersey, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who swiped a bottle of ketchup from a local eatery. Not newsworthy except for what happened next. A few days later a store manager noticed a brown paper bag sitting outside the restaurant. Inside, two unopened bottles of ketchup and an anonymous letter. In the note, our bozo apologized for stealing the ketchup and said it had brought him nothing but bad luck and bad karma, including his car being involved in an accident just hours after the theft. He expressed his hope that paying back the ketchup, with interest, would change his luck. The manager said all is forgiven and, buy the way, they never even noticed the missing bottle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wilmington, Massachusetts, where the cops were alerted to be on the lookout for someone driving a Range Rover who had left a gas station without paying. When the cops pulled over 24-year-old Alicia Ellis, they found one very convincing piece of evidence. The gas pump nozzle and hose. Yep, she left the station with the pump nozzle still in the car and had driven around without noticing it. Busted! She’s been charged with operating under the influence of liquor, negligent operations of a motor vehicle and an open container violation.

Sometimes our bozos just make things too easy as today’s report from Irvine, California will show. It seems our 19-year-old bozo had a little too much to drink and crashed her Land Rover around 3:30 in the morning. This would not be newsworthy except for the fact that she crashed through the gates of the James A. Musick jail facility. She must have been in a hurry, too, as the gates were totally ripped off the hinges and the vehicle significantly damaged. Our bozo, however, was not harmed. The cops simply walked her across the parking lot and booked her into jail.