Yearly Archives: 2019

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where a recent cold snap turned out to be our crook’s downfall. Literally. It seems bozo Jason Mitchell had plans for robbing the Bangor State Bank. He walked in, demanded cash, got it and fled, running across four lanes of traffic. So far, so good. Now, if he can just make it across the parking lot he should be home free. But…that parking lot was icy and our bozo slipped and fell, dropping his gun and sending money flying everywhere. Still not a problem, right? Just pick yourself up, gather up the cash and continue on your way. Right. Except for one small thing. A state police lieutenant just happened to be in the parking lot at the same time and saw everything. Oops. The cop tackled our bozo and held him down until support arrived. Turns out he was already on probation for burglary. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sebastian, Florida, where bozo Matthew Anderson was pulled over for speeding. Officers report our bozo was doing 80 MPH and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. A quick check also found that he had been pulled over by the cops in a neighboring county less than an hour before. His Bozo Excuse? He told the cops he was “thirsty” and wanted a Pepsi. Sorry, that one won’t work. He was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, England, where police received a strange emergency call. Someone reported seeing a person that appeared to be dead just inside the doors of a locked building. Cops rushed to the scene and saw what appeared to be a corpse near the entrance of the Factory Art Gallery. They quickly sprang into action, breaking down the door as paramedics stood by ready to spring into action. Unfortunately, the “corpse” turned out to be made of clothing and wires and was part of a modern art exhibit. Oops. Perhaps this particular exhibit should be moved a little further inside the gallery.

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where our two bozo brothers were arrested on a bank robbery charge. It seems they walked into the Huntington bank, passed the teller a note and demanded cash after threatening the teller with a weapon. Sounds like a pretty well executed crime, right? Wrong. Apparently scrap paper was in short supply that day so one of the bozos wrote the hold up note on a piece of paper he found in his pocket. And that paper just happened to be a federal probation office form with a date on it. And that date just happened to be the day that one of our bozos visited his probation officer there. Oops. They’ve been sentenced to 50 years in prison.

Our bozos for today come from the International File in Leamington, Ontario, Canada where the cops were puzzled by a report of some rather strange counterfeit bills that were being passed around town. The phony money was a Canadian $20 with a nice picture of the queen on the front, along with the Maple Leaf. So far, so good. And then there were those Chinese characters, in pink. Huh? Yep, they were obviously fake $20s made in China where such currency is sometimes burned in ceremonies during important festivals, such as the Lunar New Year. No word on how many of these fakes were successfully passed before someone caught on.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where police officers were called to a report of a reckless driver. The cops talked to witnesses who said a man had attempted to hit their trucks with his vehicle and they had to swerve off the road to avoid an accident. They also said that at one point the man stopped, dropped his pants, and mooned them. While interviewing one of the victims, the officer noticed a car approaching at a high rate of speed. Yep, our bozo had returned. The cop had to quickly get out of the way and as our bozo sped by he flipped the bird at the officer. A high speed chase ensued with our bozo making it to his home, where he ran into a shed to hide. He was removed and placed under arrest. His excuse that he was celebrating his 66th birthday probably won’t fly with the judge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Our bozo walked into a pawn shop and asked to see a 1 carat diamond ring, priced at $12,000. Security cameras caught him snatching the ring from an employee’s hand, and, after a brief scuffle, fleeing the store. End of story, right? Nope. One day later, our bozo returned to another location of the pawn shop in a different part of town and tried to pawn the ring. Bad idea. The manager recognized the ring and refused to give it back to our bozo who fled the store empty handed. Police hope to use security camera video to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Devon County, England, where the cops were called to a report of a car in the ditch. Upon arrival, they found the vehicle upside down on the side of the road. Our bozo driver, who was uninjured, was questioned about the incident and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was driving down the road, minding his own business, when he swerved to avoid an octopus in the road. Yes, an octopus. We should note that said octopus would have had to have crawled over 3 miles of hills and fields to make it to the highway. The cops dutifully searched for the octopus to no avail. Our bozo has been charged with suspected DUI.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File, Jurisprudence Division. Officials in India were shocked when bozo Raphael Samuel announced his plans to sue his parents. His claim: Since he was conceived without his permission, his parents should pay him for his life. Essentially he is saying that his parents should pay him to live. His parents are both lawyers so the trial should be interesting.

No real criminal activity in today’s report from Rogers County, Oklahoma, where the county courthouse was shut down for a rather unusual reason. Bedbugs. But it was the source of the bedbugs that merits a bozo report. Apparently one of the lawyers came to court with bedbugs literally falling out of his clothing. He also allegedly shook bedbugs all over the prosecutors files. Court was shut down and exterminators were called to fumigate the 90,000 square foot building. No word on the fate of the lawyer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansea, South Carolina, where our bozo thief had a rather unusual approach to stealing a purse. He is seen on video at a BP gas station striking the familiar one-legged pose that Mr. Miyagi used in the Karate Kid before stealing a purse from an unattended car. He then strikes the same pose before heading back to his vehicle and driving away. Not so fast, Grasshopper (that’s another show…I know….). Cops were able to get a clear shot of his face while he was striking the pose which led to his identification and arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where our bozo broke into a residence around 2:30 am. The family dog started barking and the homeowner gave chase, but was too late, as our bozo grabbed the car keys and sped away. End of story, right? Well, not exactly. Around 7:30 am our bozo returned the car, parking it in front of a residence nearby. The cops found the car and inside the likely reason for the theft. A receipt for a breakfast burrito from a nearby McDonalds. Cops have an image of our bozo from a doorbell cam and hope it will lead to an arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pinellas Park, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a home burglary, where our bozo took a bottle of pills labeled “hydrocodone” from a “lock box” in the residence. The homeowner reported that the bottle actually contained Equate Gentle Laxative rather than the opioid pills. Home security cameras helped to identify our bozo, who the cops knew to be a habitual offender. He was arrested and charged with felony breaking and entering charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Kazan, Russia. Bozo Yula Kuzmina went to the bank seeking a loan for a new car. Bank security footage shows her in the office of a loan manager when he informs her she has been turned down. It was at this point that Yula shifted into Bozo bimbo mode. She stood up, took off her top and bra and shook her assets in front of the bank manager. Apparently those assets weren’t enough collateral to cover the loan, as the manager simply shook his head. He handed her jacket to her and showed her to the door. Guess stripping just doesn’t pay what it used to.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where the cops responded to a 911 call of a man on a rampage with an ax. When police arrived, they found a trail of destruction…a TV and stand, laptop computer and several other items had been chopped up in the house. And then our bozo moved outside, where he took the ax to a car, chopping off both mirrors before finally striking the windshield with such force that the ax became stuck. So just what was going on here? The man who called 911 admitted to doing the damage himself, after flying into a blind rage when his wife damaged some of his prized action figures. Yep, he destroyed his own property all because his wife broke one of his toys. He admitted he might have overreacted and was taken to jail on disorderly conduct and felony damage to property charges.

We have had numerous reports of would be bozo car thieves who were thwarted because they couldn’t drive a manual transmission vehicle but today’s report from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is our first known report of a bozo who couldn’t drive an automatic. Police say a man had stopped at his grandmother’s house and gotten out of his car to take some food inside. That’s when our bozo approached, flashed a gun and ordered the passenger out of the still running vehicle. Our bozo then jumped in, revved the engine numerous times but, according to the cops, didn’t go anywhere because the car was in park at the time. After several more attempts, our bozo got out and fled on foot, perhaps heading to the nearest student driver school.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee. The cops were called after a report of an incident on a residential street. Witnesses reported seeing our bozo run into several cars parked on the street before driving away. One of the witnesses followed the woman home and reported her address to the cops. When officers knocked on the door, she appeared inebriated. Upon further questioning, she admitted to drinking half a pint of vodka and smoking half a marijuana blunt before driving. But it was when they asked about the car crashing incident that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said the police were mistaken. Those parked cars had actually crashed into her. Oh. No one was buying that story. She’s busted and sentenced to a year in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where our unidentified bozo jumped out of his vehicle and made a break for it after being pulled over for a traffic stop. A police helicopter with a thermal imaging camera was brought in to track him after he jumped a fence and disappeared into a field. What the cops saw on the camera was not what they expected. Our bozo had climbed the fence only to be encountered by a herd of horses. After being chased around for the horses for a while, he thought better of his idea and jumped back over the fence whereupon he was apprehended by a K-9 officer. Giddyap!

Bozo criminals for today come from Petersburg, Kentucky, where the recent large snowfall inspired a family to build a large snowman. A really large snowman, over 9 feet tall. And of course a snowman that tall is bound to attract a lot of attention, some of it coming from our unidentified bozos. They decided that the snowman was just too big to resist vandalizing. So, they drove their vehicle up into the yard planning on mowing Frosty down. Only one problem. The big snowman’s base wasn’t just snow. He was anchored by a large stump covered with the white stuff. And you know who wins when a car runs up against a stump. Yep. The stump. Police have clear tire tracks leading to the snowman but no leads on the Frosty perps just yet. And, by the way, the snowman is still standing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Frederick Donovan was arrested after causing a disturbance at the local Greyhound Bus station. Officers found two folding knives, a taser, multiple bags of what appeared to be drugs, and a woman’s social security card on our bozo in a preliminary search. Once at the jail they asked him if he had any other contraband on his person and he replied that he did not. During another pat down an officer noticed something protruding from a roll of fat on his body. Further inspection found a 24 inch machete hidden under his belly roll. And the roll of fat was apparently so thick that even the jail’s metal detectors didn’t turn it up. The weapon was retrieved and our bozo was placed under arrest.