Monthly Archives: November 2019

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Preston V. McMurry III for sending in today’s report from Phoenix, Arizona. Police received a report of a rather strange robbery. It seems our victim was walking down the street enjoying a delicious burrito when our bozo approached him and demanded that he turn it over. Realizing that it wasn’t worth fighting over, he gave it to him and called 911. Expert detective work by the cops enabled them to track our bozo down and arrest him, after finding him to still be in possession of a “burrito wrapper.” Busted! The ex-con has been charged with “theft of a burrito valued at less than $1000.”

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Peel, Ontario, Canada, where the 911 operator received a rather unusual call. A young woman called from a taxi to inform the operator that she was running late for a train she was supposed to catch. Furthermore, she wasn’t satisfied with how fast the cab was going, so she dialed 911 to see if they offered emergency ride services. Um…the answer is no. Our bozo then apologized and hung up. No word on whether she caught that train.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Normanton, England. Bozo David Smythe shoplifted some perfume sets from a local store and escaped on foot. The police were called, but our bozo wasn’t worried, as he had cleverly donned a disguise after leaving the store. However, he was quickly identified and placed under arrest. But, what about that disguise? Our bozo, who was described by the clerk as having blue eyes, brown hair, wide ears, and a notable neck tattoo had chosen to don a plain, ordinary pair of black-rimmed glasses to disguise himself. Outstanding detective work resulted in him being arrested and charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Peoria, Illinois. The cops received a report that a car had driven off the road and into a field and the driver might be intoxicated. When the officer arrived our bozo refused medical treatment four times and, according to the officer, smelled of alcohol and seemed to be intoxicated. When he asked our bozo to step out of the car he began babbling incoherently and when the officer attempted to place handcuffs on him, he began to cry. After failing a field sobriety test, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cop that his breath smelled like alcohol because he had been “making out with his girlfriend” and she had been drinking. Sorry, cross-contamination doesn’t apply here. He’s busted, charged with DUI and two traffic violations.

Before we get to today’s report, a special Bozo Report Salute to whoever came up with the state of South Dakota’s new slogan in the ongoing war against drugs. Over an outline of the great state of South Dakota, in bold print, the new slogan, “Meth. We’re on it.” Rewrite!!! Now, on to today’s story from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops arrested 5-foot-9, 380 pound bozo Martin Simpson after officers caught him with a 28-gauge needle full of drugs at the local McDonalds. The poor soul who drew the job of doing a full body search at headquarters noticed a plastic bagging sticking out of his belly button. Further inspection found it to contain methamphetamine. His excuse, he was “just being dumb and not thinking.” We would agree.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozeman, Montana, where our bozo was involved in a hit and run. But in this case, what was “hit” was a fire hydrant. Cops were called to the scene where they found someone had indeed rammed their vehicle into a fire hydrant. That, in itself, is not too unusual. It was what happened afterward that landed him in the Bozo Report. Apparently, after the fire hydrant was broken off, our bozo somehow grabbed it and threw it into his car before speeding away. Take the evidence with you, right? Wrong. He took the hydrant but he left behind the bumper of his Dodge Nitro. Oops. Police say the hydrant is valued at $1500 and if our bozo would simply return it they would consider making a deal for a lesser charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Pierce, Florida. Our bozo was pulled over for driving erratically and, when the officer took a look inside the car, he spotted an open can of Budweiser and an apparent drug pipe. Further investigation turned up a plastic bag with what appeared to be cocaine residue inside. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He first said the police must have planted it, and then said that perhaps the wind had blown it into the car. That one’s not gonna work. He’s busted! We have no report of the wind speed at the time of the arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orange County, Florida. Let’s consider this scenario. You’re a bozo looking for a car to steal. Where do you go? Maybe a Walmart parking lot? Nope. Perhaps someone’s driveway? Nah. The Orange County Sheriff’s Office parking lot? Hey, sounds like a plan. Apparently that’s what happened. Our bozo hot wired a sergeant’s truck and got it out on the highway before being apprehended. She’s under arrest, charged with grand theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia, where our unidentified bozo had been suffering from chronic sinus infections for the past 18 years. Doctors performed a CT and discovered a foreign body in his nasal cavity. The object was removed and what was found was described as a “rubber capsule containing degenerate vegetable/plant matter.” Further research found that 18 years ago he was in prison and his girlfriend smuggled in some marijuana encased in a balloon. Our bozo stuffed it up his nose to avoid detection but crammed it in a little too far and was unable to remove it. And that’s where is stayed for the last 18 years. Authorities have declined to prosecute, saying the statute of limitationx has run out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tarpon Springs, Florida, where bozo Earl Parker was pulled over by the cops for doing 90 in a 55 MPH zone. When questioned by the officer he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cop he was speeding because he “needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife.” Well, OK then. When he was searched post-arrest, a baggie of crack cocaine was found in his shirt pocket. You can add felony drug possession charges to that speeding ticket. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dekalb County, Alabama, where the cops received a 911 report of a theft at a local gas station. When they arrived they found a very agitated bozo who explained to the officers that someone had stolen his marijuana. OK. So, what’s that sticking out of your pocket? Pot? Nope. A baggie of cocaine and a pipe? Yep. Busted! He’s charged with possession of a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia. No word on the fate of the missing pot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oak Creek, Wisconsin, where the cops received a report of a reckless driver. Police responding to the scene found our bozo behind the wheel of a gray Nissan, driving 20-30 MPH and swerving all over the road. A visual on the vehicle indicated our bozo was not alone. He had a live chicken sitting on his shoulder. He and the bird were pulled over. He was charged with DUI and the bird was released into protective custody.

No real criminal activity involved here but we couldn’t let this one go without mention. A train rider at a New York station noticed what appeared to be some suspicious packages sitting around inside the train station. The cops were called and service was disrupted while an investigation ensued. Indeed there were some six-foot-tall packages inside the station. But they weren’t as suspicious as it might seem. Turns out the boxes contained the Metro Transit Authority’s Help Point System, a brand new technology designed to…wait for it…allow consumers to report suspicious packages. The boxes were removed and train service resumed with only a short delay.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Limestone County, Alabama. Garbage collectors there noticed something unusual in a trash pickup outside our bozo’s house. Large trash bags filled with paper. Printed paper. The curious garbage man took a closer look and found the sheets of paper were actually printed $20 bills. Apparently our would-be bozo counterfeiter was running a little test to get his fake bills just right. The bags were turned over to the cops who discovered that our bozo was a bit of a recycler, also. One of the fake bills was printed on the back of an Alabama Pardons and Paroles receipt issued to our bozo back in August. Oops. He’s busted and booked into jail on felony counterfeiting charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crystal City Missouri, where a laundromat was burglarized and about $600 taken from a vending machine. Not Bozo Report material, you say? Correct, except for one small detail. The laundromat had security cameras which got a good picture of our bozo doing the deed. And it was his choice of attire that landed him in the Bozo spotlight. His T-Shirt was emblazoned with the phrase, “It’s not a crime unless you get caught.” Armed with photographic evidence, cops hope to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kankakee, Illinois, where the local sheriff’s department has a tradition of posting pictures of fugitives on its Facebook page on “Warrant Wednesday.” This week, Warrant Wednesday just happened to fall on the day before Halloween and one of the pictures posted was of Brandon Conrad, who was wanted on a drunk driving charge. Our bozo was inspired to reply to the post, saying, “Where’s my costume?” The cops obliged and photoshopped a cute little sailor’s outfit on his mugshot, along with the challenge that since they did their part, he should do his by turning himself in. Surprisingly, our bozo responded that he would be there by noon and to have the paperwork ready. He did and he’s now under arrest.