Monthly Archives: July 2019

Sometimes our bozos just make things too easy as today’s report from Irvine, California will show. It seems our 19-year-old bozo had a little too much to drink and crashed her Land Rover around 3:30 in the morning. This would not be newsworthy except for the fact that she crashed through the gates of the James A. Musick jail facility. She must have been in a hurry, too, as the gates were totally ripped off the hinges and the vehicle significantly damaged. Our bozo, however, was not harmed. The cops simply walked her across the parking lot and booked her into jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Marion County, Indiana. No criminal activity here and we’ll leave it up to you to identify the bozo. A sheriff’s department employee headed to the local McDonalds and picked himself up a chicken sandwich and small fries. He placed the sandwich in the break room refrigerator before starting his shift at the county jail. When he went to warm it up later, he noticed a few small bites had been taken out of the tasty sandwich. Extremely annoyed, the officer headed back to McDonalds where he confronted the manager who offered him a free meal as a replacement. Not sure when the light bulb went off in his head, but sometime later the officer remembered that he was hungry when he bought the sandwich and had taken the small bites out of the sandwich himself. Oops. No word on whether he offered to pay for the free one he was given.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jennings County, Indiana, where police received a strange theft report. A woman called to report her false teeth had been stolen and she thought she knew who the perp was. It just so happened that our bozo thief was on probation and was scheduled to meet with her probation officer that afternoon. In his notes, the office wrote that she “may be wearing the stolen teeth.” Yep, she stole someone’s false teeth and wore them to her probation meeting. Maybe she thought it was picture day. Officers dropped by our bozo’s home later and noticed the teeth in question sitting out in plain sight and they were even labeled with the owner’s name. Busted! We’ll abstain from the obvious joke that the cops took a bite out of crime.

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Louis, Missouri. Our bozos, described as teenagers between 16 and 18 years of age, approached victim number one and demanded cash. When he told them he had only loose change and cigarettes in his pocket, they took his bag of chips and ran off. About 15 minutes later, they approached victim number two, again demanding cash. Again the victim said he didn’t have any money but offered them his bottle of whiskey, which the took before fleeing. The investigation continues. They whereabouts of the whiskey and chips are unknown.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Police at a station in suburban Sydney were minding their own business when they heard a loud crash. They rushed outside to see a parked patrol car severely damaged and a white van leaving the scene. Apparently the driver had lost control of the vehicle before running into the parked police car. The cops gave chase and when they pulled our bozo over, they discovered the van was full of neatly packed cardboard boxes. And inside those boxes…methamphetamines, lots and lots of methamphetamines. 600 pounds to be exact, with a street value of around $140 million US dollars. Yikes. He’s busted. And, yes, negligent driving was added to the drug possession charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Perth, Australia, where our bozo was hungry. So, he walked into a grocery store and selected a nice hot meal of spaghetti from the take-out counter. In full view of customers and employees, he took the foil container of pasta and stuffed it down his pants. Guess he didn’t take into account just how hot the meal was, as security footage show him walking quickly toward the exit, then limping as the pasta burns his privates. Thinking better of the whole idea, he reached in and attempted to throw away the contraband. Unfortunately he only succeeded in removing the lid from the meal, sending hot spaghetti everywhere and leaving a trail of red sauce behind him. With a trail like this to follow, the cops were able to quickly place him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salina, Kansas. As best as we have been able to piece together, here is the Bozo Timeline for this burglary. One, break into residence, head to kitchen, drink cranberry juice from refrigerator. Two, head to the basement and check out the inversion table, a device where you strap your feet to the table and then tilt it so you hang upside down, for supposed health benefits. And you know the rest of the story. Our bozo was so fascinated by the inversion table that he forgot about his plans to burglarize the home. He strapped himself in, turned the table up and found himself hanging upside down with no way to free himself. He raised such a ruckus that the homeowner was awakened and the cops were called. Our bozo was removed from the table and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sunbury, Australia, where bozo Benjamin Swain was smoking pot in his car with friends when he spotted a police cruiser. Thinking they were coming after him, he floored it and immediately sideswiped another police car, injuring the officer inside. Our bozo managed to get away, but the cops had his license plate number and tracked him down at his parents’ house. When the cops questioned him about the incident, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he accidentally hit the police vehicle because his car “was so full of weed smoke” he couldn’t see. Sorry, that one’s not gonna work. He’s been charged with 14 offenses, including ramming an emergency vehicle, assaulting a police officer, conduct endangering life and unlicensed driving.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in this one from Dixon, Illinois. So, here is our bozo predicament. You took the kids over to a friends house. It’s hot, so, once there, you inflate a small wading pool so they can play and cool off. Fun time’s over and you’re ready to go home. But you’ve still got that inflatable pool…and it took a lot of huffing and puffing to blow it up, so what do you do? Not wanting to have to blow it up again, our bozo placed the fully inflated pool on the roof of her Audi SUV. But it could blow off. So what do you do? Tie it down? Nope. Have your two little girls sit in it, on the roof of the SUV, while you drive home? Yep. While the pool was safe, neighbors weren’t sure the kids were, so the cops were called. She’s busted! Charged with two counts of endangering the health or life of a child, two counts of reckless conduct, and failure to secure a passenger between 8 and 16.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Atwood, Ontario, Canada, where the police pulled over a man driving erratically at 2:30 am. It was what they found inside that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He had his two year old child in the car with him and instead of using a child booster seat, the kid was sitting on a 24-pack case of beer. Bad idea. Apparently he had not been into the beer himself as he was only charged with failure to properly secure a child. Police brought him a proper safety seat and notified child protective services.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain, where customs officials were checking passengers on an inbound flight from Bogota, Columbia. One of the passengers had an unusual hairstyle. A very tall pompadour, sort of like you would have seen on the young Elvis. Upon further inspection, it was found not to be his real hair but a toupee. And this toupee was not to cover a bald spot. It was covering a half-kilo of cocaine that he had glued to his head. Yep, he was trying to hide $34,000 of coke under a wig. Bad idea. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Atlanta, Georgia, violated Bozo Rule Number 9933023: Never challenge a woman with a gas pump in her her hand. Video footage from the local BP station shows a white Dodge Challenger pull up to one of the pumps. As the woman fills the car up, our bozo is seen sneaking up to the car and jumping into the drivers seat, hoping to make a quick getaway. Not so fast, Buster. The quick thinking woman pulled out the pump and doused our would-be thief with gasoline. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo jumped out of the car and jumped back into the same car that had just dropped him off. Fortunately no one in the car was smoking. Police are looking for our bozo.

Our bozo for today from the International File in Istanbul, Turkey may not have done anything criminal but she certainly qualifies as a bozo. Airport security cameras show a woman checking her bags at the Istanbul Airport. But instead of heading to the terminal after dropping off her bags, our bozo climbed onto the moving luggage conveyor belt, thinking it was a shortcut to the plane. Um…not exactly. Security personnel safely extracted her from the belt before she was dumped into the cargo bay. As far as we know, the rest of her trip was uneventful.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco County, Florida. Here’s the scenario. You’re locked up in the county jail and you have a major beef with another inmate in the same county jail. Major enough that you want to have him offed. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re bozo Charles Wilson you mail a postcard to another inmate in the same facility asking him to kill the other inmate. Bad, bad idea. Jail officials took a look at the postcard before delivering it. Our bozo now has solicitation of murder added to his list of charges, including meth trafficking, grand theft, and violating probation.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Liberty, Missouri, where the cops were searching for our bozo, wanted on a warrant for possession of a controlled substance. A K-9 officer had been brought in and, so far, the search had turned up nothing. Then, from the bushes came a sound. A familiar, smelly sound. Yep, our bozo in hiding had farted loudly just as the cops were walking by. Well, sometimes you just can’t help it… They quickly sniffed out his hiding place and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Here’s the timeline for our bozo for today from Gresham, Oregon. 1. Grab “Spaghetti” the cat and take him along as you break into a residence. 2. Once inside, make some coffee and eat a cupcake. 3. Check the dryer for anything interesting. Grab a t-shirt and put it on the cat. Grab the wife’s Christmas onesie and try it on yourself. 4. Take cat and enter the crawl space underneath the house to relax. When the homeowner returned and found the place in a mess, the cops were called and our bozo, still wearing the onesie, and his cat were removed from underneath the house. And, by the way, the homeowner’s wife refused the cops offer to return the onesie.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where a trooper pulled over a vehicle in the carpool lane because there appeared to be only one person in the car. Upon further inspection, the cop noticed the car was in fact a hearse. And the driver offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Since he was carrying a body, he thought he should qualify for the carpool lane. The officer advised him that to qualify, the second person has to be upright and breathing. Doh! After getting off with a warning, the hearse driver was sent on his way.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Jensen Beach, Florida. Bozo Patrick Barker used a brick to break a window at a Wendy’s, let himself in and then proceeded to fire up the restaurant grill. Security camera footage captured him casually preparing a burger and then sitting down to eat it before going to work on the restaurant safe. He was able to make his getaway but the video footage provided the cops with numerous tips which led to his arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita Falls, Texas, where our unidentified bozo entered the Walmart and headed for the bakery department. She picked up a cake and then proceeded to do the rest of her shopping, eating the cake as she went. When it came time to check out, she had eaten half the cake and when the clerk tried to ring up the cake for the full amount, she protested. He point was, since there was only half the cake left, she should only be charged for half a cake. While this line of reasoning may make sense in the Bozo world, it didn’t fly with the cops who were called to quell the disturbance. After much discussion with the police, she agreed to pay full price for the cake and was subsequently banned from the store for theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from King County, Washington, where bozo Michael Warren got into a fight with his roommate. Fearing he would do him bodily harm, he left to cool off. It was what he did after leaving that earned him his Bozo stripes. He headed down to a sheriff’s department substation, smashed the front window, went inside and made himself at home. When deputies arrived, they found our bozo sitting at a table in a back room, with his feet up in a chair and had just finished a cigar. When asked if he had broken in, he casually replied, “Yep.” And then he reached down and pulled out…a box of donuts he had purchased and brought along as a peace offering. Didn’t work. He’s been charged with malicious mischief and trespassing. No word on the fate of the donuts.