Yearly Archives: 2018

Bozo criminals for today from San Diego, California, stole some grass. No, not marijuana. Grass. A contractor dropped off a 650 pound spool of turf at a residence with plans to come back later and use it to landscape the lawn. But our bozos had other ideas. Security cameras caught them trying to stuff the 16 feet of turf into a trunk 2 feet deep. The video shows them driving off with most of the grass dragging on the ground. They left a trail of turf behind them as they exited the neighborhood. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Lucie County, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, a woman there told the cops that she had returned home to find her boyfriend, our bozo, drunk and belligerent. During a confrontation, our bozo gave the woman a “wet willie” by sticking his finger in her ear. Thinking this kind of behavior needed to be nipped in the bud, the cops placed our bozo under arrest, charged with battery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Tokyo, Japan. It was the early morning hours when our bozo walked into a Family Mart convenience store, reached into his pocket, pulled out his weapon and demanded the clerk empty the register. The clerk, taken aback, took a look at the weapon he was being threatened with, and decided to ignore the request, instead running into the back of the store. In the meantime, an officer on patrol nearby was alerted to the situation and our bozo was taken into custody without further custody. Oh, did we fail to mention his choice of weapon? A pair round tip nose hair trimmers. Our no doubt well groomed bozo is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Hawick, Minnesota violated Bozo Rule Number 223332: Always have a clear getaway path planned. It seems our bozo stole some lumber and other items from a farmer’s shed and loaded them into his pickup. He then planned a quick getaway. Guess he didn’t see that large manure pile straight ahead. The farmer noticed the theft the next morning and called the cops, informing them that the thief was still on the property. When police arrived, they found our bozo covered head to toe in manure, still trying to free his truck without much success. He offered up the Bozo Excuse that a “friend” had bought the lumber and he was helping him. Sorry, that story won’t fly. He was hosed off and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where a homeowner checking his security camera around 11:30 pm spotted a suspicious man on the property. For whatever reason, he didn’t notify the cops but instead decided to take a look around the next morning. And that’s when he spotted our bozo, wedged between a wall and the home’s garage. When it became obvious he wasn’t going anywhere, the cops and the fire department were called. After more than an hour, our bozo was extracted and charged with trespassing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where our unidentified bozo broke into the Clean Soles shoe store and made off with a big haul of shoes from the displays around the store. Guess he didn’t notice that all the display shoes were for the right foot only. Oops. Police ask that if you see anyone wearing what appears to be two right shoes to please contact them.

Our bozo for today comes from Abilene, Texas, where our unidentified perp purchased a new washing machine. OK. Step one, purchase washer. Step two, load it into Jeep Liberty SUV. So maybe place it inside the back cargo area of the SUV? Nope. Well, the Liberty has a roof rack, maybe put it up there? No way. Strap it to the hood of the car so that it effectively blocks the driver’s view of the highway? Sure, why not? And that’s exactly what our bozo did, strap the big front loader on the hood of the jeep. He didn’t go very far before he was pulled over and ticketed by the cops. No word on whether or not the washer ever made it to his house.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Reidsville, North Carolina. Bozo Kendrick Haynes walked into the local credit union carrying a large stick and announced that this was a robbery. He then jumped over a counter and grabbed an undisclosed amount of cash. Apparently the stick caused everyone to keep their distance, as he left without encountering any resistance. But that stick also made him rather easy to identify. The cops arrested him less than five minutes later, following a report of a “man with a big stick” in a grocery store parking lot. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Wheatland Township, Michigan. Police were called to a report of a break-in at a local self-storage facility. Upon arrival, they found several units ransacked and a suspicious vehicle sitting in the parking lot. A K-9 officer was brought in and two bozos were quickly apprehended in a cornfield nearby. A third was found about a mile away. Case closed, right? Well, not quite. The bozos told the cops there was another member of their gang who had not yet been captured. The trail had gone cold when six hours later the cops received a call from a man saying his car had been stolen. Yep. Bozo number four was looking for the car he had left at the burglary scene. All four are now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Stephen Wilson walked into the local Krispy Kreme and made a strange request. He demanded $10s, $20s, and donuts. The clerk was so shocked she called another employee over and our bozo made the same demands. They then called a male colleague from the back and when our bozo made the same demands, the man simply told our bozo to take his business elsewhere. He left, but was found by the cops loitering nearby. He told the police he wanted an item of the “secret menu.” He’ll now get to try the secret menu at the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where Michael Lorenzo walked into the Family Dollar with the intent of shoplifting a pair of socks. Somewhere along the way, something went wrong and he attracted the attention of a store employee who called the cops. Feeling “antagonized” by the clerk, our bozo then grabbed 99 packs of Pokemon cards and some chopped ham and stuffed it down his pants. He had just exited the store when the cops arrived. The cops didn’t buy his excuse that the clerk had made him steal the items just “out of spite.” He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bath Township, Michigan, where traffic was slow along I-69 where crews were doing construction work. Our unidentified bozo wheels up on his motorcycle, ignored the flagman and drove past the traffic cones onto what looked like a clear stretch of roadway. It wasn’t. The crew had just poured a new roadbed of fresh cement and Mr. Bozo drove his bike right into it. Oops. The bike was immediately stuck but our bozo managed to flee on foot, leaving it behind. As soon as the cops catch up to him, he’ll be charged with disregarding traffic cones and leaving the scene of an accident.

Bozo criminal for today from South Nashville, Tennessee, where bozo Jeffrey Tarver became really angry after he spotted his former girlfriend in a car with another man. And, being from the South, he grabbed the first available weapon. A biscuit. Yep, he grabbed a biscuit and hurled it at her. He also pounded the hood of the car and threatened them both with physical harm. The cops were called and he was charged with public intoxication, vandalism and assault. No word on the fate of the biscuit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where bozo Arielle Baxter was due in court to face charges of marijuana possession. Of course, a court appearance is quite stressful, so our bozo needed a little something to calm her nerves. She was smoking a joint and talking on her cellphone when she cut off an undercover cop while turning in to the courthouse parking lot. She then proceeded to park in a spot labeled “P.D. Parking Only.” Bad idea. When a cop confronted her about the illegal parking, she rolled down the window and a huge cloud of smoke billowed out. Busted! She’ll be appearing in court on yet another charge of marijuana possession.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fayette County, Georgia, where police are investigating a rather unusual theft. A truck driver parked his tractor trailer at the local Chevron station and when he returned, the big rig and its contents were gone. Inside the truck, 300,000 packages of ramen noodles, valued at $98,000. Police have no leads at this time but are listening for the sounds of slurping.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bratislova, Slovakia, where our bozo, identified only as “Eva” was fed up with the neighbor’s dog barking. And, being a big opera fan, she came up with a plan. She put Placido Domingo’s version of La Traviata on repeat and turned up the volume. Problem solved. Oh, did we mention that was 16 years ago? Yep, she’s been playing the same song, over and over, for 16 years. Yikes! Someone finally called the cops who shut down Mr. Domingo and charged our bozo with harassment and malicious persecution. She could get up to six months in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where our bozo was accused with “sexual style assault” after spraying a liquid on a woman. Perhaps we should clarify a bit here. The bozo under suspicion is a plastic doll resembling a little boy. Chefs at a Japanese style hibachi restaurant use him to control fires on the
hibachi, pulling down his little shorts and spraying water from where his genital area would be if he wasn’t a plastic
doll. It seems a patron didn’t see the humor in the act and called the cops saying the doll “peed” on her. Police had to make a judgment call here. They declined to file charges, instead warning the restaurant employees to get permission from customers before spraying.

Our bozos for today from Sagadahoc County, Maine, were victims of one of the more unusual sting operations we’ve ever encountered. The sheriff’s office dispatched an officer, dressed in a baseball cap, t-shirt and sneakers to a busy intersection, with the police cruiser parked nearby. The cop then stood at the corner, carrying a sign, looking for all intents and purposes like a typical panhandler. Except for what was written on the sign, “Hello. I’m a Deputy. If you’re TEXTING and driving you are about to get a ticket.” The idea being that if the drivers were so busy texting and driving they’d never bother to read his sign. And they were right. Quite a few bozos were caught, with around a dozen citations being written.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where police were called to a report of a disturbance in a local park. Upon arrival, they found bozo Danielle Taylor running through the park totally naked. But this wasn’t a happy jaunt, she appeared to be quite upset. When they questioned her, she told them that she had taken off her clothes to “escape a giant spider.” Not exactly sure how being naked was supposed to help the situation. After admitting she had taken crystal meth, she was charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sanford, Florida, where the cops attempted to pull over an SUV that had been reported as stolen. The suspects fled from the officers, eventually crashing the car into a ditch. One bozo remained it the car and was taken into custody, while the two others fled in different directions. Bozo number one was quickly captured when K-9 officers found her hiding in nearby bushes. Bozo number two took a different route, fleeing through a cow pasture. Bad idea. The cows did not like their territory being invaded and took off after her in hot pursuit. The cows eventually herded our bozo into a corner of the property and wouldn’t let her out. After freeing her from her captors, our bozo was placed under arrest.