Yearly Archives: 2014

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeSoto, Texas, where bozo Darrell Raines was placed under arrest on drug charges when he was found to be carrying a backpack containing what was believed to be narcotics. He was handcuffed and placed in the back of a patrol car while the officers continued their investigation. Due to what was deemed an “equipment failure” our bozo was able to escape while the officers’ backs were turned. This would be the end of the story except for one thing. Those pesky handcuffs. Try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get them off, and it seemed the more he tried, the tighter they got. So, finally, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to complain that the circulation in his arm was being cut off by the handcuffs he was still wearing. Bad idea. He’s now under arrest on felony charges of possession of a controlled substance, escape and tampering with evidence.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Sumter, South Carolina, where bozo Michael Wilkins walked into the local Applebees. After enjoying his meal, he tried to pay for it with his debit card, which was rejected. Undeterred, our bozo simply reached into his pocket and offered to pay the bill in cash. With a $1 trillion dollar bill. Even with inflation, the government has never printed a trillion dollar bill. The cops were called and it was discovered our bozo was also wanted on an unrelated contempt case. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California, where four bozo burglars entered a residence armed with shotguns and handguns. The homeowner had seen our bozos approaching on security cameras and had called the cops, who arrived quickly, scaring off two bozos immediately. The other two were already in the house and that’s when they hatched one of the all-time bozo plans. They asked the homeowner to tie them up and tell they cops that they were also vicitms. The homeowner wisely ignored their suggestion and ran outside to tell the officers what was going on. The police decided to simply play a waiting game with our bozos, who eventually came outside and surrendered.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Nujmber 019897: If you’re a wanted man, take the bus. From the International File in Verona, Italy, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who had been on the run from the cops for nine months when he made the decision to hitch a ride back to his residence instead of walking. Don’t know what it was that tipped the plainclothes officer off, but he took one look at our bozo and thought he “looked wrong” and decided to give him a lift. Instead of taking him home, the cop gave our bozo a ride to the police station, where he unsuccessfully attempted to flee. After his capture, the cops determined he was wanted for aggravated theft, robbery, receiving stolen property and drunk driving. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Chris Cox donned a ski mask and walked into the local Radio Shack, demanding cash. He ordered the clerk to drop to the floor and when she tried to flee he whipped out a taser but instead proceeded to tase himself in the hand. Seeing that things weren’t going well, he abandoned his plan and fled the store, tossing his ski mask in a dumpster on his way out. One thing we forgot to mention…he was an employee of the store he attempted to rob and was recognized by one of the employees. The cops were waiting for him when he showed up promptly for his shift at 4 p.m. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23654: If you have a noisy job to do, at least try to do it when no one is at home. From Dorchester, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Stephen Friedrich who was on the hunt for valuable copper piping. He staked out a residence that he thought would have a boiler in the basement with plenty of copper pipe and broke in at 2 a.m. Guess he didn’t take into account that stealing the pipe would be a noisy job. And, even more importantly, he didn’t check to see if anyone was at home. The residents were awakened by the loud banging sounds coming from the basement and called the cops. Our bozo was still hammering and sawing away when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Helena, Montana. It seems bozo Anthony Alexander was in an amorous mood when he picked up two women at a local bar and invited him to his apartment. Things were going well until one of the women “decided” to pass gas. This understandably angered our bozo who ordered her to get out of his residence. She wasn’t going quietly and reportedly punched our bozo in the face, prompting him to call the cops to report the assault. And that was his worst decision of the evening. When the cops arrived and took a look around the apartment, they were less concerned with the assault than with the marijuana and drug paraphernalia they saw on the premises. He’s busted. No word on what happened to his lady friends.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Wurzburg, Germany. Since police have not decided whether or not to press charges, we can’t quailify our bozo as a criminal but there is no doubt about her bozo credentials. It seems our 20-year-old bozo was enjoying herself at a local nightclub. And after an evening of dancing, she had worked up a bit of a sweat. So, while in the restroom with one of her companions, she reached into her friend’s purse and gave her underarms a big spray of deodorant. Or at least she thought it was deodorant. Actually, it was a can of pepper spray that the woman carried for self defense. Oops. The spray quickly spread throughout the club, which had to be evacuated. Our bozo was treated for minor eye injuries. Police are considering filing neglient bodily harm charges on our not so sweet smelling bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo David Brown brought his pregnant wife into the hospital so she could give birth to the couple’s new baby. Like any father-to-be, our bozo was very nervous. Unlike most fathers-to-be, he had a rather unorthodox way of dealing with his nervousness. He took out his high-tech vaporizer,which was filled with raw cannabis, and started vapeing right there in the delivery room. Not a good idea. A nurse caught a whiff of the high tech pot and called the cops. Poppa was busted just as his son was coming into the world.

For the second day in a row we have a story of a bozo bamboozled by a locked car door. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Ruben Tucker who decided to take a little nap inside an unlocked car. We have to assume he didn’t notice it was a police car. Parked in the Southeast Precinct station parking lot. And then there’s another problem…once inside, he couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door to let himself out. He used his finger to write “Help” in condensation on the window, but apparently no one noticed until the day shift arrived the next morning. He was freed and charged with criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where our unidentified bozo spotted what he thought was an easy target. Seeing an unoccupied Porsche SUV in a parking lot, our bozo opened the unlocked door and climbed inside. He was rummaging around looking for valuables when he heard a “click.” The vehicle’s central locking system had activated, locking all the car doors. And, try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get the doors to unlock. Witnesses even noticed him kicking the door in an attempt to break out. Didn’t work. The cops and firefighters were called to free the man from the car before placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Denver, Colorado where four teenage bozos broke into a residence and stole a PS3 game console, some clothes and several other items. When the homeowner returned home to find her kitchen window broken she called the cops and asked them to meet her at a nearby McDonalds because she was too scared to stay at home by herself. She had no sooner pulled into the parking lot than two of our bozos, one of them wearing a stolen jacket, came up to her car and offered to sell her the PS3 game console. The woman refused and then told the cops what was going on. Our bozos are busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota, where our unidentified bozo attempted a break-in at the Hooked on Fishing store. Guess he’d never been in the store before or he would have known that, as soon as the door is opened, “Big Mouth Billy Bass”, which is mounted above the door, bursts into a stirring rendition of “Take Me to the River.” Apparently, Big Mouth Billy frightened our bozo so much that he fled empty handed. leaving behind cash that was left in “a very visible spot.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Auburn, Washington, where the sight of a man napping in the driver’s seat of a truck at 4:30 a.m. was too much for bozo Sean Anders to resist. He knocked on the window and told the driver he had a gun and would shoot him if he didn’t turn over the keys. The driver tried to explain that the truck had run out of gas and other family members had gone for help, but our bozo was hearing none of it. The owner fled the scene, leaving our bozo to try to start and drive a truck that was out of fuel. He managed to make it about 50 yards before it sputtered to a stop for good. The cops arrived in time to find our bozo walking along the highway near the vehicle. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from China, Maine, where police were called to a home on a report of screaming sounds that seemed to indicate a possible domestic disturbance. And it was, just not the type the cops were expecting. Four troopers arrived at the home and questioned the resident who explained that the sounds were coming from the pig pen outside. Inside the pen, the cops found five female pigs in heat and one screaming male pig. It’s not clear if the screams were of joy or for help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where the cops were called to a residence after a report of an argument. When the cops arrived, the explanation our bozo gave landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Bozo Shavonna Rogers told the cops that, after an evening of drinking, she and her boyfriend got into a fight when he refused to cuddle with her in bed. Our bozo allegdly tore her boyfriend’s shirt and threatened him with a knife when he rejected her snuggling offer. Perhaps the close proximity to Valentine’s Day has caused the DA’s office to be lenient. Prosecutors say they have decided not to pursue the case, as long as it doesn’t happen again.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where bozo Joseph Jenkins was involved in a dispute with his neighbor over some unspecified property. The dispute intensified to the point where our bozo pulled a gun on his neighbor, demanding that he turn over the items. It’s not clear whether or not our bozo got what he came after but he did shoot his neighbor in the leg before fleeing. And that’s when he got something he definitely wasn’t looking for. As he stuffed his weapon into the waistband of his pants, the gun went off, shooting him in the testicles. BIG OUCH. After he is released from the hospital he faces charges of first degree robbery, second degree assault and felon in possession of a firearm.

With all the Super Bowl parties coming up this weekend, let this bozo’s misadventures in a bar serve as a precautionary tale. From Old Shotton, England, comes the story of bozo Pete Hatton, who had been drinking all day with friends in a pub and had been told by them that he should expect “entertainment.” When a female police officer arrived to investigate reports of rowdy behavior at the bar, our bozo made a major miscalculation. He assumed the officer was the “entertainment” in the form of a stripper dressed as a cop and he proceeded to dance around her, saying, “Look, one of the strippers!” He sealed his fate when he popped the officer on the butt with a bar towel. Bad idea. He was placed under arrest and charged with obstructing an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arlington, Florida, where Bozo Charles Hampton had formulated a “foolproof” bank robbery plan. Except he didn’t take into account he was the “fool”. Our bozo headed down to the Fifth Thrd Bank branch in Arlington, wearing a bandanna mask on his face, with his hoodie pulled up over his head and carrying what appeared to be a handgun. His next step was to burst through a side door and demand the cash from unsuspecting tellers. Only problem, that side door just wouldn’t open, no matter how hard he tugged on it. The one thing he had failed to notice was the “exit only” sign over that side door. Seeing that his foolproof plan had gone horribly wrong, our bozo attempted to escape on his bicycle but was apprehended by a passing cop who noticed what was going on. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where cops were called to a report of shoplifting. Walmart security officers detained our bozo who was seen coming out of a fitting room wearing apparel she had carried into the room. When the officers questioned her they noticed she was acting strangely and got even more agitated when they asked to check her purse. It was then that she came up with the Bozo Question of the Month. She asked the cops if she could have “just one blow” of the heroin from her purse. Request denied. Add felony possession of a controlled substance to the misdemeanor theft charge.