Yearly Archives: 2013

Bozo criminals for today come from Fresno, California, where the 911 operator received an unusual call. She heard one voice ask if he had the hammer ready followed by the sound of breaking glass. Shortly thereafter she heard them talking about finding a bottle of prescription medication. By this time, the operator had figured out what was going on. One of our bozo burglars had butt-dialed 911 as a burglary was in progress. Our bozos even stayed on the line congratulating themselves on a successful break-in after it was over. Not as successful as they thought. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Chelsea, Massachusetts, violated Bozo Rule Number 222098: Make sure your escape route actually leads to an escape. Bozo Laura Brown walked into the Market Basket store and proceeded to shoplift a number of items, stuffing them into her purse. When she was confronted by the manager, she threatened him with a knife and then attempted to escape by climbing into the ceiling. Her getaway went terribly wrong as she quickly became stuck. Stuck so tight in fact that firefighters had to called to free her before she could be placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but we couldn’t let his bozo achievement go unrecognized. From the International File in Afp, Germany, comes the story of a sleepy bank employee, who shall remain nameless. He was in the process of performing a minor transfer into the account of a retiree when he nodded off. This resulted in his pushing the number 2 key on the keyboard numerous times instead of the one he was supposed to enter. As a result, instead of 62 euros being transferred into the account, 222 million were actually transferred. Oops. The bank caught the error and the correct amount was credited to the account. As far as we know, Sleepy still has his job.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Strabane Township, Pennsylvania, where police were called to the scene of a multi-vehicle crash. Several good samaritans stopped to help, including one woman who parked in front of the driveway of our bozo, 71-year-old William Munson. This did not sit well with our bozo who was heading out to dinner with his wife and found himself boxed in. So, he did what any angry bozo would do, he started arguing with the cops, eventually shoving a couple of officers. When they tried to arrest him, he resisted, then faked a heart attack. As they were trying to restrain him, he took out his false teeth and hurled them at one of the cops. That was the last straw. He’s under arrest, facing several charges, including aggravated assault and making terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Moses Willis broke into a vacant rental home to steal copper piping. As you can imagine, this is hard work and our bozo was thrilled when he discovered an unopened case of beer in the basement. And, even though it was not cold, it still looked too good to resist. So, he helped himself to a couple of brewskis and drank them right there on the spot, leaving the cans behind. He should have taken them for recycling, too. The cops were able to identify him by the DNA left on the cans. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Novokuznetsk, Russia is a certified member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Our unidentified Siberian man broke into a residence and asked to see a certain young lady. When he could not find her, he took out an air gun and a bundle of green wire shaped to look like a hand grenade and threatened her younger sister. The man said he would blow up the house if she didn’t call the young lady. Instead she called the cops and our lovelorn bozo was placed under arrest.

Our bozo criminal for today actually did something many of us have only thought about. From Vallejo, California comes the story of frustrated pedestrian Anthony Carson who thought a new crosswalk was needed at an intersection, so he took matters into his own hands and painted one. And while he was at it, he crossed out three other crosswalks nearby that he thought weren’t needed. Our amateur traffic control officer is under arrest, facing vandalism charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Delray Beach, Florida, where the cops pulled over bozo Tiana Hernandez for a traffic violation. While speaking to another applicant of the car, the officer heard our bozo say she was “in Delray Beach to buy narcotics.” Turning his attention to her, the officer asked her about a bulge in her chest pocket. And that was when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told him the bulge was her nipple. The officer advised her he knew what a nipple looked like and that wasn’t a nipple. At that point our bozo took a round white tablet from her pocket and swallowed it. She then admitted the pill was Dilaudid, a prescription narcotic. She’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and tampering with evidence.

Bozo criminals for today come from Ocala, Florida, where bozos Andrea Martin and Jennifer Moore stole bathing suits and beef jerky from a local Wal-Mart. And why would they steal these items? Apparently, they had put together a “bucket list” and one of the items on the list was “steal something from a retail store.” Wonder if “go to jail” was also on that list?

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Haven, Connecticut, where our unidentified bozo hooker was being harassed by her pimp, so she decided to do the right thing and turn him in to the cops, which she did by dialing 911. When the police officers arrived they found her to be “busy”. She told the police, “I thought it would take a while for them to show up, so I figured I would turn a trick” while waiting. Bad idea. She’s been charged with prostitution.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clayton, Missouri, where police pulled over bozo Joseph Moore for a traffic violation. When the officer asked our bozo to step out of his vehicle, he instead took off running, down an alley and then entering a nearby building. Once inside, he ran through a set of double-doors and down a hallway that dead ended in front of an office. Our bozo dropped to the floor and curled up into a ball. All in all, a bad situation, made worse by the fact that the building he entered was the St. Louis County police headquarters. And that office that the hallway dead-ended in front of? That was the Police Department Intelligence Unit. Not much intelligence on our bozo’s part. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lighthouse Point, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress. When they arrived, our bozo fled on foot, leading the officers on a chase across several blocks, and ending when he ran into another residence. The cops were shocked when he reemerged a few moments later, carrying two bottles of beer. Our no longer thirsty bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s story from Stockton, California where two bozos pulled up to the local Burger King, went inside and robbed the place, leaving their getaway car unattended outside. A quick thinking employee noticed they had left the keys in the car, jumped inside and drove it around the corner. When our bozos exited the restaurant, they were shocked to discover their getaway car was missing. So shocked, in fact, that they were still standing around arguing about what to do when the police arrived. They’re busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo James Kennedy broke into several residences, ransacking the houses and getting away with numerous items. He didn’t get very far, however, as the cops arrested him in the parking lot of a nearby Walmart. And exactly how did they catch up with our bozo? It seems he was out on parole for another burglary and he was wearing an ankle monitor during the break-ins. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kennewick, Washington, where bozo Katherine Walker stole an SUV from an apartment complex. Guess this must be the kind of work that can cause you to work up quite an appetite, because shortly thereafter she headed for the local McDonalds. And, as luck would have it, who should work at that particular McDonalds but the owner of the stolen vehicle. She spotted the car and called the cops who arrested our bozo before she got out of the drive-thru lane.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Carlos Barrera was involved in a minor accident. He fled the scene and when he was questioned later by the cops he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he had eaten some bad Chinese food and was experiencing extreme gastrointestinal distress at the time, leaving him no option but to flee the scene in search of the nearest restroom. The police were unsympathetic and placed him under arrest for driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Curtis, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo broke into a motel and stole food, dishes, silverware and other items. She was inside her car and preparing to make her getaway when she realized she had somehow lost her keys. No problem, just retrace your steps and find them, right? Right, but the first step is to get out of the car. And it seems that all the door latches inside the car were broken and, try as she might, she couldn’t find a way to get out of the car. She was still trying when the cops arrived. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where our unidentified bozo broke into a residence, attacked the homeowner and forced him into a closet while he ransacked the house. Sounds like a reasonable idea except for one small item. This particular closet happened to be the one where the homeowner kept his gun. He emerged, confronted our bozo and shot him in the shoulder and leg. Our bozo was arrested and sent to the hospital.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Immokalee, Florida. It seems bozo Ann Barker got into an argument with her bozo boyfriend Willie Blake over personal finances. The argument escalated until finally bozo Willie brought out his secret weapon…the fart attack. Bozo Ann says Willie walked past her and literally farted in her face. Understandably, she was upset and she retaliated with a kitchen knife, throwing it at Willie, striking him in the abdomen. Police were called and bozo Ann was charged with assault. At this point no charges have been filed against the alleged farter.

Several things went wrong for our bozos for today from the International File in Marsta, Sweden. First of all, they decided to pull off their heist of an electronics store in broad daylight, in full view of numerous customers. And those customers were armed with cellphones with which they were able to take nice clear photos of our bozos in action. Second, they chose bright yellow tracksuits for their wardrobe, which really stood out in a crowd. Third, they chose a compact car as their getaway vehicle and they had trouble squeezing in all their loot, including four flat screen TVs, which delayed their getaway by several minutes. And finally, the plastic bag covering the car’s license plate flew off as they drove away, allowing the witnesses to get clear pictures of the plates. Needless to say, they’re under arrest.