Yearly Archives: 2013

Not sure there’s really any criminal activity involved here, but someone’s a bozo. And just who that is may depend on your political affiliation. From Vancouver, Washington, comes the story of Jeffery Barker who is accused by the police of firing his shotgun into the air to scare off prowlers who were outside his home. The cops said there was no evidence of any prowlers on his property and allege that Mr. Brown illegally discharged a firearm. Mr. Brown offers a form of executive privilege as his defense, saying he was just following the instructions of Vice President Joe Biden. He sites a question and answer session with the Vice President in February in which he said, “If you want to protect yourself, get a double-barreled shotgun.” We eagerly await the judge’s decision on this one.

We’ve had several cases of bozo criminals being betrayed by man’s best friend, but this is the first known instance of his faithful feline companion ratting him out to the cops. From the International File in Villorba, Italy, comes the story of an unidentified bozo whose home was being searched by the cops after being tipped off that cocaine was being sold out of the residence. The search was going nowhere until one of the cops noticed the man’s cat repeatedly licking the floor. Upon further investigation, it was discovered kitty had a taste for cocaine and was trying to lick traces of the drug off the floor. The cops found nearly 9 ounces of cocaine hidden in the apartment and our bozo was placed under arrest. No word on whether Sylvester was sent to rehab.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa Beach, Florida, where bozo David Lunsford knocked on the door of a residence, forced his way in and began choking the homeowner. The man and our bozo struggled for a short time until the man was able to break free. Our bozo then took a good look at him and said, “You are the wrong man,” and left. The cops were called and, using a description of the vehicle, were able to track him down. Upon questioning, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he believed his girlfriend was cheating on him and wanted to confront the man he had seen her with earlier in the day. Unfortunately, he went to the wrong house. The cops told him that, unfortunately, that was no excuse. H’es been charged with burglary of an occupied dwelling and simple battery.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom implemented Bozo Rule Number 98456: Don’t walk around naked while carrying a box full of illegal drugs. From the International File in Olso, Norway, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was spotted by the cops walking around naked on a public street and carrying a large box. Upon questioning, it was discovered that the box was filled with drugs, believed by the cops to be amphetamine. He’s been charged with indecent exposure and possession of illicit drugs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Port Richey, Florida, where bozo Richard Olsen was checking out the sheriff’s office Facebook page when he noticed something interesting. He was listed on the page as the “Fugitive of the Day” and he decided to take matters into his own hands. He posted that he was in the hospital at the time of the alleged robbery and was framed by a “crack head.” The cops quickly posted a reply, offering to discuss the warrant with him and giving him a number to call. Instead of calling, our bozo kept posting to the Facebook page, defending his innocence. Probably not the best idea. After giving him a reasonable time to call, the cops staked out his apartment and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooksville, Florida, where bozo David McIntyre was pulled over by the cops for a broken tail light. As the officer was talking to our bozo, he noticed he had something behind his ear. Upon further inspection, that something turned out to be a marijuana cigarette. This is perhaps the worst place to store your extra joint. Especially when you can’t pass a field DUI test and even more especially when you’re on felony probation for manslaughter. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Solon, Ohio, where bozo Chuck Medina locked his keys inside his car. Not knowing what else to do, he dialed 911 and asked the dispatcher to send someone to help. Since it was a slow night, an officer was sent over, but it probably wasn’t the sort of help our bozo was expecting. After the cop got the door open, he was met with the overwhelming odor of fresh marijuana coming from inside the car. Upon further investigation, 37 packets of pot and $426 in cash were found inside our bozo’s car. He’s been charged with felony drug possession.

Over the years, we have had many, many reasons for the arrests of our bozos, but today’s has to be the strangest. Police in Bradenton, Florida were called to resolve a dispute over the placement of a fence between two residences. The officer was talking to one of the neighbors, bozo Peggy Haynes, when “she approached and kissed him on the nose against his will.” Must have been quite a kiss, as the officer, with the help of another deputy, “gently” took our bozo to the ground and handcuffed her. Maybe she should have used some mouthwash first. She’s been charged with felony battery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey” for sending in today’s report from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Erin Mitchell went to police headquarters to report her cell phone had been stolen from her car. She was accompanied by her “friend”, bozo Patrick Hathaway who waited in the lobby while Erin talked to an officer. And that’s when things started to go bad for our bozo. An officer heard the sound of a cell phone vibrating inside our bozo’s shorts. The cop asked our bozo if he had the phone, which he denied. He then proceeded to empty his pockets, showing he had only a wallet. Our bozo then headed for the door, followed by the officer who stopped him and patted him down, causing the phone in question to fall from his shorts to the floor. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and public drunkenness.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Boca Raton, Florida, where an unidentified couple pulled up to a Chipotle restaurant around lunchtime. As they were entering the cafe, they noticed bozo Dominick Santino walk up to their truck and attempt to open the door. The driver yelled at our bozo who took off running, losing his Croc shoes in the process. Don’t know if it was coincidence or out of necessity, but our bozo ran directly to a nearby Discount Shoe Warehouse store. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo walking out, barefoot, and carrying a bag of new sneakers. The officer told him to sit down on the curb to answer some questions and our nervous bozo then proceeded to pee on himself. When asked why he tried to open the door of the truck, he replied that he “used to have a truck” and thought the vehicle was his. He’s been charged with attempted burglary and public intoxication.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wakefield, England, where bozo Nigel Baxter went to the Pets at Home store to purchase some goldfish. Sounds innocent enough, except for one thing. He had stolen a tank from the same store a few days earlier. The clerk became suspicious when our bozo described his tank, and it was exactly the same one that had recently been stolen. So, he asked our bozo to write down his name and address, which he did. The cops were called and when they went to investigate our bozo quickly confessed. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Olive, New Jersey, where police officers driving by the local Kia dealership a little past midnight noticed something strange. They saw our unidentified bozo get into one of the cars on the lot and drive it off. They quickly pulled him over and that is when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had driven to the dealership to look at new cars and when he spotted one with the keys in the ignition he “decided to take it for a test drive.” After explaining to him that after hours test drives weren’t a part of the dealers customer service package, the cops arrested him on charges of burglary and unlawful taking of means of conveyance.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark, where an unidentified police officer in an unmarked car began chasing a vehicle that he observed speeding. Instead of slowing down, the other car simply sped up and tried to outrun the vehicle. Not surprising, since the second vehicle was also a police officer in an unmarked car who thought he was being harassed by the driver in the first car. The situation quickly deteriorated into a high speed chase between the two cops and only ended when the chasing cop rammed the second vehicle, causing it to crash into a third car. No injuries were reported, but there was much embarrassment when the officers discovered each other’s identity. And to add to the embarrassment, both officers have been charged with endangering traffic safety.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Apopka, Florida where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress at Sam’s Discount Food Store. When they arrived, all they could see were the feet of our bozo hanging from a grease covered vent in the store’s roof. It took some doing, but our bozo was finally extracted from his greasy predicament, and when he was free, he came up with the both the Bozo Excuse and the Bozo Request of the Week. First, the told the officers he had broken into the store because he “really wanted a ham sandwich.” And his Bozo Request? After being freed, he told the officers he “really needed to take a poop.” He now has full toilet privileges at the county jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples, Florida, where our two bozos took a little shopping trip to the neighborhood Walmart. And a big day of shopping can cause you to work up quite a thirst, so one of them did the bozo thing. She took a bottle of wine down from the shelf and the two began drinking it straight from the bottle as they walked around the store. When store employees tried to tell them what they were doing was a bad idea, our two ladies became belligerent and started cursing at them, which led to the cops being called. And even the presence of the cops did not calm down our by now drunken bozos, as they continued to curse and fight with officers as they tried to put them in the patrol car. They’ve been charged with disorderly intoxication.

Bozo criminals for today come from Anne Arundel County, Maryland, where police received a call from a woman who said she had lost her credit card while shopping near a local movie theatre. Police reviewed the card’s transactions and discovered the card had been used to purchase movie tickets. Reviewing surveillance footage, they found that the thieves, a group of teenagers, had also used the card to take pictures of themselves in a photo booth in the theatre lobby. One of the pictures even showed them proudly holding up the stolen card. After releasing the photos to the public, our bozo teen thieves were quickly identified. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where police received a complaint about a man in an unmarked car using flashing blue lights and impersonating an officer. One woman who complained got a picture of the car including the license plate number, which helped the cops quickly track down our bozo. It was when they asked him what he was doing that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He said he installed the flashing blue lights on his car to get the “stupid people” to move out of his way. He got a free ride in a real police car to the station house.

Bozo criminals for today come from Totowa, New Jersey, where one bozo asked a couple of his bozo friends to take him down to the police station to pick up the paperwork for an impounded car. While he was inside, his bozo friends became bored, and, to pass the time, decided to light up. Unfortunately, what they lit was a marijuana cigarette. And even more unfortunately, they didn’t take into account that, since it was a police parking lot, cops might be walking by. They caught a whiff of the stuff and our bozos were busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where bozo Martin Lopez was arrested on an aggravated battery charge. When the cops were booking him into the County Jail, they asked him if he had any weapons or drugs on him, he said no, but one of the officers noticed something strange sticking out from between his toes. It was a small baggie containing a white powder. When asked about it, out bozo admitted it was cocaine, but was adamant that the drugs were not his. When he was unable to explain how the drugs that were not his ended up between his toes, he was charged with possession of drugs and smuggling contraband into a detention facility.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in West Midlands, England. It seems our bozo was in need of a little feminine companionship, so, after reading an advertisement in the local newspaper, gave the lady a call. He asked her to describe herself and what she described was just what he was looking for, so he set up an appointment to meet her. Unfortunately, what she described and what our bozo saw upon her arrival were two completely different things. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called the cops to complain, complaining that she “breached the Sale of Goods Act.” The police listened carefully and then politely pointed out that soliciting for sex was illegal. Even then, our bozo would not take no for an answer, demanding to come down to the station house to debate the matter. Ever polite, the British cop declined the officer and instead sent out bozo a warning letter about the dangers of soliciting prostitutes.