Yearly Archives: 2013

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Hallie, Wisconsin where bozo Jarad Clark decided to take advantage of Walmart’s liberal return policy and bring back a printer that wasn’t working properly. Sounds like a pretty normal situation except for a couple of things. First he didn’t have a proof of purchase. And second, there seemed to be some paper lodged inside the machine. That second problem turned out to be a big one. On that stuck sheet of paper were the images of counterfeit $100 bills. Thinking he had tried to use the printer to make phony money, employees called the cops and they arrived while our bozo was still arguing that he deserved an immediate refund. When he refused to talk to the officers and resisted arrest, the cops frisked him and found him to be carrying three additional fake $100 bills. He’s under arrest for attempted theft by fraud, forgery and resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where an unidentified bozo walked into a Chase Bank branch in the Garment District and handed the teller a note reading, “I have a bomb. Give me some money now.” The unflappable teller told our bozo that she didn’t read notes and instructed him to fill our a withdrawal slip instead. Our bozo complied, writing the same message on the slip. The teller then told him he would have to swipe his bank card while telling a colleague in Spanish that she was being robbed. Becoming frustrated, our bozo said, “Ma’am, I ain’t got no time for this!” He then grabbed a fistful of lolllipops and ran out of the bank where he was quickly apprehended by the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England, where a number of patrons at a club complained to management that their cell phones had been stolen. The police arrived and quickly discovered the problem. A bozo with what appeared to be a very “full” pair of pants. It would seem that our bozo had stolen 44 cellphones during the course of the evening and had stuffed them into his bicycle shorts, which he was wearing underneath his clothing. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Alameda, Texas, where police officers noticed a bright purple ice cream truck with a broken windshield and an expired registration. Upon being pulled over, the two bozos inside jumped out and attempted to flee, carrying two large tupperware containers. After the cops caught up with them, they discovered the containers contained not ice cream, but marijuana. The Cheech and Chong wannabees were busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Windham, New Hampshire, where a 64-year-old woman noticed activity at the home next door, which had only recently been sold. So, she decided to venture out in the cold weather to greet her new neighbors. But the folks in the house were anything but neighborly, and, after noticing evidence of a break-in, the woman grabbed a broom and chased our would-be bozos thieves out of the house. They jumped in their getaway car and sped out of the driveway, running directly into a snowbank where they immediately became stuck. They were still trying to dig the car out when the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catherine Herrod for sending in today’s report from Lakewood, Colorado where an unidentified bozo walked into an Applebee’s and ordered a drink. The waitress asked for an ID and our bozo presented a drivers license. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her license. And even more unfortunately the ID she presented had been stolen…from the waitress taking the order. Apparently our bozo didn’t even notice the picture on the ID was, shall we say, familiar. The waitress didn’t say anything but went straight to the phone and called the cops. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas, where bozo Jamie Carlson was driving her Grand Am at a high rate of speed when she lost control and crashed into a trailer home. Fortunately, no one was injured in the accident, but our bozo wasn’t sticking around until the cops arrived. Instead, she grabbed the nearest vehicle and sped away. Well, she didn’t exactly speed…her getaway vehicle of choice was the homeowner’s son’s Power Wheels battery-powered toy truck. Not surprisingly, she didn’t get far before the cops caught up with her. She’s been charged with DUI, disorderly conduct, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage and driving with a suspended license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eastlake, Ohio, where police were called to a report of a disturbance at a tobacco store and even the cops were surprised by what they found. Inside the store was our highly intoxicated bozo who was carrying on a rather one-sided discussion with a bag of tobacco. Witnesses said before he began talking to the tobacco he had tried to engage a bottle of vodka in a discussion. Drunken bozo was taken to jail, where, a few minutes after his arrival, he professed his love for the urinal. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and intoxication.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. An emergency dispatcher received a 911 call, and, hearing what sounded like a drug deal in progress, sent cops to an alley about a block away from the police department. The cops arrived and found two people sitting in a car, but they both denied having a working cell phone. However, when the cop loudly asked the question again the dispatcher confirmed she could hear the conversation. Yep, they had butt dialed 911. After a quick check of the car turned up methamphetamine our bozos were busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York, City, where police were called to a report of a kidnapping. They found Bozo Raymond Poe between two cars on a street in Brooklyn, his hands, legs and mouth covered with duct tape. He was also complaining of pain in his ribs. He told the cops he had been kidnapped by two men in a blue minivan on February 19th, and was held captive for two weeks. Upon further questioning, however, his story began to unravel and he finally confessed to the cops that he had made up the whole story because he had been avoiding his girlfriend for a couple of weeks and was terrified of facing her. He’s now facing charges for filing a false report.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, where bozo Nathaniel Lucas, wearing a skullcap and carrying a crowbar, burst into an apartment. The quick thinking homeowner sprayed our bozo in the face with some Windex he had nearby, causing our bozo to drop his crowbar and flee, losing his cap in the process. Now, the logical thing for a thief to do would be to go home and lay low for a while, right? Wrong. The bozo thing to do is to try to cover your tracks by calling 911 to report that your crowbar and skullcap had been stolen. The cops weren’t believing this story for a minute. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and confessed. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from San Diego, Califorina, where a couple of bozos broke into the local Hooters restaurant. They then tried to back their pick up truck through the glass front doors and into the building. Quickly discovering that the truck wouldn’t fit, they went to Plan B. Our bozos headed inside, attached a chain to the ATM machine and towed it outside where they loaded it onto their truck and sped away. A pretty good plan, right? Wrong. What they thought was and ATM machine was actually a jukebox. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Davenport, Iowa, where 325 pound, five foot eleven bozo Jose Perez broke into a lingerie store. And, no, it wasn’t to steal something for his girlfriend. This trip was purely personal. He grabbed several lacy items and then went into the manager’s office, stripped naked and tried them on. He was obviously enjoying himself, spending two hours wandering around the store, trying on various items and playing with “toys.” Unfortunately, one other thing was obvious on the video surveillance camera. The tattoo of his name on his back in big, bold letters. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Tucker went shopping at the local True Value Hardware store. After finding what he was looking for, he didn’t head for the check out lane. Instead, he headed to the aisle where the bungee cords were kept, grabbing a couple of them. He then stuffed the item down his pants, using the bungee cords to help hold it in place. Needless to say, this is not the most inconspicuous way to attempt to shoplift something. And not the safest, either. Did we mention the item he stuffed down his pants was a nail gun? Security officers captured him before he could get away and before he could do any damage to himself.

While there are no criminal charges pending, our story for today from Brockton, Massachusetts certainly features a Bozo In Training. A ten-year-old boy, who shall remain nameless, was upset that his mother had ordered him to go to bed at 8PM. So instead of doing any of the things that kids ordinarily do to protest, he took this one to the next level. He dialed 911. Even though he lost his nerve and hung up without saying anything, officers showed up at his home to investigate. After receiving a stern warning from the cops, Junior was sent to bed. No charges were filed, but he is officially grounded for two weeks.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Augusta Maine. Bozo Marlon Clark, who had previously been convicted on arson charges and was ordered to repay more than $126,000 in restitution, turned to the most lucrative business he could think of to raise cash…marijuana farming. Worried that someone would find his farm and steal his crop, he decided to move it to a secure area. Unfortunately, the area he chose was inside a fenced-in portion of the Augusta State Airport. Yep, he was growing pot inside the airport. Not surprisingly, someone noticed his suspicious activity and reported it to the cops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today proves once again that there is nothing more annoying to most folks than an overaggressive salesperson. Police in Portsmouth, New Hampshire were called to a senior living facility after reports of an altercation. And, no, the fight did not involve employees. It was the seniors who were upset. Apparently the regularly scheduled bingo game was interrupted by a disagreement that quickly got physical, with pushing and shoving going on and one woman ending up with scratches on her arm. And what caused the ruckus? Apparently one of the residents kept interrupting the game by trying to sell the players Avon products. The investigation continues.

Our bozo story today doesn’t involve criminals but instead comes from the Bozo Internal Affairs Department. From Memphis, Tennessee, comes the story of a big Ohio State Buckeye fan who was passing through the area when she was pulled over by the cops. And the cops acted like they meant business, too, getting out of their vehicle with body armor on and guns pulled. One of them then asked her what she was doing with a marijuana sticker on her bumper. Initially stumped, she eventually realized the “marijuana leaf” on her bumper was actually the Ohio State symbol, a buckeye leaf. After doing some checking, the cops discovered she was correct, and, embarrassed, sent her on her way.

Bozo criminals for today come from Chalmette, Louisiana, where bozos Robert Cain and Jaime Sowell burglarized a bar, getting away with several cartons of cigarettes. Police officers who were investigating found something unusual that our bozos left behind. An apartment key. Yep, they left behind the key to their own apartment. Officers were able to develop information that pointed to our bozos as suspects and when the key fit the lock to their apartment, they were busted!

There are no real bozos or criminals involved here, but there was no way we could let this story pass by without taking note. Residents of Union County, Illinois noticed something strange going on in the woods. They reported a man carrying numerous buckets and plastic tubing into the forest. The authorities put two and two together and came up with the only possible solution…there was a meth lab being built in the woods! A drug enforcement swat team sprang into action and raided the place, guns drawn, demanding to be taken to the site of the lab. The homeowners took them into the woods to show them the setup…tubes coming out of trees with an amber fluid flowing into big plastic buckets. Not meth, but maple syrup. The officers left with a sample of the syrup and a standing invitation to come by for pancakes anytime.