Yearly Archives: 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Uxbridge, Massachusetts, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance on a local golf course. Upon arrival, they found a car stuck in the sand trap. When they questioned the driver, she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told them she had been driving on a highway when her GPS told her to turn left, which led her into a corn field. Following the GPS instructions, she drove through the field and onto the golf course, where she promptly became stuck in the sand trap. She told the cops she couldn’t understand what had happened and that she “didn’t even like golf.” After finding an open container of alcohol in the car, she was charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Charlotte, Florida, where bozo Ryan Sloan handed the clerk at a convenience store a fake $50 bill to pay for cigarettes and a drink. The clerk noticed the very poorly made bill was a fake and gave it back to our bozo. As fate would have it, a Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy was standing directly behind him in line and noticed what was going on. The deputy leaned over to our bozo and asked him if he had any more bills like that. Sure, our bozo replied and led the deputy to his car where he had several more counterfeit bills. Congratulations, Ryan, that’s about as close as you get to arresting yourself.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vineland, New Jersey, where bozo Sharon Caldwell headed down to police headquarters, and not to report a crime. Instead, she carefully positioned herself in front of one of the building’s windows, and dropped her pants. Yep, she mooned the officer on duty and a woman who was waiting in the lobby. She was quickly placed under arrest.

We all know that being called for jury duty can be a frustrating experience, but our bozo for today completely overreacted. From Houston, Texas, comes the story of bozo Carla Connor who had just been released from jury duty when she felt the need to express her frustrations. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she sent a text message to a co-worker saying, “Call the courthouse. Tell them there is a bomb…Pleeeese.” The co-worker took her seriously and the cops were called, the jury room cleared and the whole building searched for explosives with bomb-sniffing dogs. All this was before she sent a follow up text message saying she was “Just kidding.” The authorities didn’t see it that way. She’s under arrest.

Nothing criminal to report here, but a bozo for sure. From Livingston, Montana comes the story of a truck driver who may have hit something on Interstate 90. When he pulled into a truck stop, he noticed his fuel tank had sprung a leak. Instead of immediately getting it fixed, he took the bozo approach and slapped a piece of duct tape over the hole and crawled into his truck to go to sleep. Not the best idea. The tape didn’t hold, and truck stop employees noticed about 100 gallons of diesel fuel had leaked from the tractor trailer onto the ground. The cops were called and our bozo was issued a stern warning.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada, where police stopped a woman for driving 70 mph in a 30 mph zone. Now, this wouldn’t ordinarily qualify as a bozo offense, but the excuse she offered landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She contested the ticket, claiming in court that the officer had “profiled” her, targeting her for arrest because she was a blonde. No dice, said the judge, ruling that the officer couldn’t possibly determine her hair color at 70 mph. And besides that, she was still going more than double the speed limit. Next case!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Newstead, New York. A homeowner there was awakened around 4:30 a.m. when he heard sounds of someone in his house. By the time he got dressed and went to investigate, he found our bozo had made himself at home, sleeping soundly on the couch. After several attempts to awaken him failed, the police were called. When our bozo finally did wake up, he gave the cops the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them that he thought he was inside a friend’s house on Grand Island. Only problem, Grand Island is 20 miles west of Newstead. Maybe he should invest in a Garmin. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California, where bozo Phillip Burns was scheduled to appear in community court to update the judge on his progress while on probation for an auto burglary. The judge, who was not too happy with our bozo because he had missed a previous probation hearing, nonetheless let him go, with the stern warning that he should get into a harm reduction program and get going with his job search. Our bozo must have interpreted “job search” to mean going back to his old occupation of breaking into cars, because as soon as he walked out of the courtroom, he headed over to a parking lot, and, using a rock he picked up, smashed the rear passenger window of a car. Not a good idea. A couple of beat cops happened to be passing by at the same time and placed him under arrest. And to complicate matters, the car he was attempting to break into belonged to…his judge. He’s back in jail.

Our bozo criminal for today fell victim to the old “three strikes, you’re arrested” rule. From Vineland, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Steven Moore who walked into a bank armed with a garden hose spray nozzle, his first mistake. In spite of the less than threatening weapon, our bozo did succeed in getting an undisclosed amount of cash. He then ran to his car and drove away, only to quickly run out of gas. Strike two. And after pulling the car into a nearby parking lot, instead of fleeing on foot, he decided to wait for a cab to come by. Strike three. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from La Mesa, California, where four bozos broke into the Little League snack bar at a local park. And the treats they found inside were so tempting that they couldn’t even wait until they got home to tear into them. The police followed a trail of empty cookie, chip, and Cheetos packages for two blocks to a residence where they found our well fed bozos and their loot. Or what was left of it, anyway. They’re busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Canonsburg, Pennsylvania, where a groom and his buddies did a little too much celebrating at the country club wedding reception. When it came time to head over to the hotel, the groom and his friends piled into the limousine, right? Nope. Maybe called a cab? Nah. Stole a golf cart and drove themselves over? Right. A police officer noticed them in the cart on a busy roadway around midnight and pulled them over. They’ve been cited for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. No word on whether divorce papers have been filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where a young man dressed in a white tuxedo confronted the owner of a SUV at gunpoint and demanded he turn over the vehicle. Our bozo also took some money from the victim before driving away. A short time later, the car owner spotted our bozo and his car in the drive-thru lane at the local McDonalds. He called the cops who arrived quickly and placed our bozo under arrest. It was what his passenger said that made his attire and his motive clear. The teenage girl told the cops that now “her prom was ruined.” If only there had been food at the prom, they might never have been caught.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oak Lawn, Illinois, where bozo Charles Ellis held up a bank, getting away with $100,000 in cash before making his escape through an air duct. While this may have been a foolproof plan, it was not bozo proof. Apparently he didn’t allow for just how small the interior of the duct work was and for what might happen if the long, beaded dreadlocks wig he was wearing got caught in the ductwork. And that’s exactly what happened. It took the cops several hours to cut him out of the ductwork and free him so he could be arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department in Rankin, Pennsylvania, where a homeowner became suspicious when he noticed the electric bill of a home he had not lived in for several months had become unusually high. When he stopped by to check things out, he discovered the dryer running with clothes inside and called the cops. After staking the place out the police discovered the suspect was one of their own. The guilty officer said the back door of the house had already been broken so he let himself in because he “just had to do some laundry.” Wonder if he brought his own Tide? He’s been charged with criminal mischief and trespassing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aberdeen, Washington, where our unidentified bozo was arrested on outstanding theft and trespassing charges. When he was processed out later in the day he somehow managed to leave the building with the handcuffs he had been wearing. Our story might have ended here except for what our bozo decided to do next. He headed down to the local pawn shop and tried to pawn the cuffs. The pawn shop owner realized they were the real thing and called the cops. He’s back under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223786: If you find something unusual in your loot, it’s best to toss it. From Cambridge, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Scott Cook, who passed the teller at the local bank a note demanding cash. She gave him the money, but also included a little something extra in the bag. A GPS device that would tell the cops the whereabouts of the cash. The police didn’t have any problem tracking down the money, as our bozo took a leisurely route home, on a city bus. He was found with the cash, and the GPS device, in his pocket. He’s busted!

A long ago commercial for McDonalds asked what you would do when you had a “Big Mac Attack” but they never showed anything quite like this. From West Palm Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo James Cortez who wanted a meal from McDonalds really, really bad. Bad enough that, when he arrived at the restaurant and found a line in the drive-thru, he pulled up to the car next to the window and pointed a gun at the three women inside, demanding they let him cut in line. They did, but they also called 911. He’s been charged with aggravated assault.

Once again today we have an example of a bozo criminal foiled by modern technology. From Port Canaveral, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was an employee of the cruise ship Disney Wonder. Apparently he stole a iPhone belonging to one of the passengers and began taking pictures of himself and his friends with it. What he didn’t realize was that the phone’s iCloud function sent all of those pictures to the computer of the owner of the phone. And in addition to his face being shown clearly in the pictures, his name tag shows up as well. He’s busted!

From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who attempted to break into a residence. When he was surprised by the homeowner, our bozo attempted to flee through the backyard. The fastest route out appeared to be via a hole in the fence. Well, it would have been a good escape route if our bozo was a few pounds lighter. As he attempted to squeeze through the hole, he became stuck tight. And he was still stuck when the cops arrived. After prying him free, he was placed under arrest.

From the International File in Dublin, Ireland, comes the story of bozo Paddy O’Leary who was in a courtroom watching a trial when his cell phone rang. The judge ordered him to turn it off, but instead he took the call and had a brief conversation. Bad idea. The judge fined him 200 pounds and placed him behind bars for two hours.