Yearly Archives: 2012

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Milford, Connecticut, where three bozo drug dealers checked out of their hotel room, leaving behind a little something. Actually, a lot of something…$50,000 worth of heroin to be exact. Employees found the drugs and called the cops, who were investigating when our bozos returned and asked if they could rent the same room again. Busted! They’re now checked into the county hotel.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report from Battle Creek, Michigan. Police were called to Maynard Lake after a fisherman reported seeing a vehicle drive into the lake. Upon arrival, the cops discovered a pickup truck submerged to the door handles and a very wet bozo nearby. It was when the cops questioned him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he drove the truck into the lake because his dogs were hot and he wanted to cool them down. And besides, he added, the truck needed washing. He’s been charged with DUI.

Our bozo criminal for today is not a criminal, but certainly qualifies as a bozo. From Akron, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Chrissy Lang, a single mom and university student, who has taken to panhandling at a busy intersection on recent days. It’s what she’s panhandling for that landed her in the Bozo Report. Our bozo’s sign says, “Not Homeless. Need Boobs.” Yep, she’s asking for donations so she can get her boobs done. Local residents are upset at her request, but police say she’s not doing anything wrong.

In the non-bozo world, success breeds success, but for bozos success sometimes breeds arrests. From Nashua, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozos Louis Caldwell and Raymond Watkins, who walked into a Wendy’s, holding their hands in their pockets as if they were armed, and demanded cash. The clerk gave them money, and, flush with their newfound success, instead of fleeing, they decided to try the same approach at the McDonalds next door. Bad idea. Wendy’s employees called the cops who arrived just in time to find our bozos exiting the McDonalds. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Glendora, California, where the cops were investigating Dr. Rodrigo Lopez on suspicions that he was illegally prescribing prescription medications to drug addicts. So, they set up a little sting. An officer came in and complained of back pain, even bringing in an x-ray as evidence. The doc took a look at the x-ray and asked if she wanted Vicodin, oxycodone, Valium, or Zanax for relief. Instead of taking her prescription, the officer placed the good doctor under arrest. And how did she know he was a quack? It was the x-ray, which was of her German Shepherd and which clearly showed the dog’s tail. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Charleston, South Carolina, where police were called to the downtown area around 2 a.m. after a report of a disturbance. When the police arrived, they were surprised to find bozos Christopher Ellis and Anthony Dunn strolling around “completely in the nude.” One of our bozos was carrying his cell phone and the other had a sack which contained their clothes. And as for their reason for taking the au naturale stroll? They said they “thought it would be fun.” Hope they enjoyed themselves. They’ve been charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bruck An Der Leitha, Austria, where police were called to a report of a break in at a bank. Investigating officers discovered a locked door that had apparently been forced open, with marks and dirt on the door. Inside, the police found more dirt and more scuff marks. Several things had been overturned inside the bank but nothing appeared to be missing. The officers then decided to review the CCTV tapes and were quickly able to identify the culprit. A large wild boar. Police say he will be arrested if he returns to the scene of the crime.

Today we have the first ever case of a bozo foiled by….window blinds! From Albuquerque, New Mexico, comes the story of bozo Thomas Morton, who apparently had broken into Central New Mexico Community College. Police responding to a report of a burglary in progress arrived to find our bozo hopelessly entangled in some window blinds. It would seem he was trying to make his escape through a window when, somehow, he became caught in the window coverings. The cops freed him from the mean old blinds and placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from the International File in Portsmouth, England. Bozo Michael Reed was on trial for assault and he was allowed to return home at night. The trial had drug on for some time and our bozo was feeling confident. So confident, in fact, that he posted on his Facebook that he thought he “was going to get away with it.” Bad idea. The messages were forwarded to the judge. Upon being confronted with this new “evidence” he promptly changed his plea to guilty.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brandon, Mississippi, where 22-year=old Roy Means walked into a convenience store, flashed a fake gun and demanded cash. As fate would have it, who should walk into the store at that very moment but his mother, who had come down to do some shopping. Mom saw what was going on, grabbed the fake gun and shoved her son out the door. She then tried to explain that her son was only “playing”, an excuse that the clerk refused to hear any of. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida where 20 year old Shakeem Fox wanted to go to jail. Really wanted to go to jail. Bad enough that he approached a deputy outside the Sheriff’s Office and told him to arrest him because he didn’t have any ID. When this didn’t work, our bozo hopped onto the hood of the patrol car and began jumping up and down, causing about $800 worth of damage. That did the trick. He’s behind bars.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas, where bozo Flora Burns was heading home from the grocery store when she crashed her car into the back of a truck. The damage was not significant enough to keep her from speeding away from the scene of the accident. The truck driver called 911 and investigating officers went to our bozos home to question her. When they asked her why she left the accident without waiting for police to arrive, she responded with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she had just purchased some ice cream and didn’t want it to melt. Sorry, that’s not in the list of acceptable excuses. She’s been charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Our bozo for today from the International File In Dusseldorf, Germany had it all planned out. He armed himself and covered his face before pulling off his robbery. He got away with cash, but was also recorded by security cameras. Should be no problem…he covered his face, right. That he did, but he forgot about what he was wearing. A unique t-shirt, one of only three of its kind sold in the German city. After the other two owners of the shirt were ruled out as suspects, our bozo confessed to the crime. He’s now wearing a standard issue jail shirt.

Bozo criminal for today from Salisbury, North Carolina, forgot Bozo Rule Number 22657: Drug dealers don’t usually offer a consumer help line. Our bozo was upset that the crack cocaine he had purchased from his dealer was of poor quality, so he did what any bozo would do. He called his dealer at 4 a.m. to complain. Or at least he thought he was calling his drug dealer. Instead he dialed the number of a Rowan County Sheriff’s Deputy. The deputy listened politely to our bozo’s complaints and then arranged to meet him in a parking lot to make things good. When our bozo stepped out of the car to go talk to the deputy, a rock of crack cocaine fell out of his pants. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brockton, Massachusetts, where bozo Manuel Garcia had a plan for breaking into the local Rent-A-Center. He went to the back of the store, where there was a large garage door for loading and unloading merchandise. Using a metal bed post, he pried the door up just enough to slither underneath. As you can probably understand, it’s difficult to pry and slither at the same time, and, while in the process of slithering, the bed post pry bar slipped and the door dropped on our bozo. He quickly found himself trapped, with his head pinned underneath the garage door. And that’s exactly how employees found him the next morning. After being treated for a bruise on his head, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, where a truck driver called the cops to report that a man in another vehicle was exposing himself to him, driving in the lane beside him and slowing down and speeding up to keep up with the truck. It was after the cops tracked down the bozo in question that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He admitted that he was driving with his genitals exposed and his dome light on, but he had what he thought was a proper reason. He said he was doing some “manscaping” and had to be able to see what he was trimming. He didn’t offer any reason why the trim had to be done while driving down the Interstate. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Moultrie, Georgia. It seems a group of business ladies practicing the world’s oldest profession were looking to increase their business. So, they did the logical thing…they advertised. Our happy hookers had business cards printed up which they placed on windshields of cars in the Home Depot parking lot. Hey, go where the customers are! Unfortunately, they placed one of their cards on the windshield of an undercover cop’s vehicle, who gave the number on the card a call and a negotiated a deal. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Multnomah County, Oregon, where bozo James Turner was on probation for armed robbery. The terms of the probation required that he attend drug treatment, make a monthly court appearance and check in regularly with his probation officer. Such an arduous schedule quickly became too much for our bozo and he quit showing up. But he couldn’t leave well enough alone. He started taunting his parole officer, posting challenges on his Facebook page to “Catch me if you can” and calling himself “the 1 that got away.” It’s never a good idea to challenge a parole officer. He started following our bozo’s Facebook page closely and noticed in another post he mentioned “I’m in Alabama.” And when he posted a picture of his girlfriend’s pregnant belly, along with her sonogram he noticed the name of the hospital was shown clearly on the sonogram. Oops. He’s been tracked down and taken back to Oregon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida, where Dunkin’ Donuts employee Carla Cooper was told to take a deposit to the local bank. When she dropped the bag off, she apparently realized she had also dropped off something else. She returned to the bank a short time later to ask if there were any “objects” inside the bag besides the cash. Unfortunately for her, bank employees had already found the “object”, 55 grams of marijuana, and had called the cops. After our bozo gave a positive result for marijuana in a field test she was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gothenburg, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo had a little too much to drink and needed a ride home. Well, maybe she had a lot too much to drink, as, instead of calling a cab, she called the cops. And instead of just telling them she was drunk and didn’t want to drive, she told them she had committed a murder and wanted to turn herself in. Yep, that’s what she said. When the police arrived she admitted she was just trying to get a free ride home. She got a free ride all right. Straight to jail.