Yearly Archives: 2012

Bozo criminal for today comes from Altoona, Pennsylvania, where bozo Mateen Jacobs hit the jackpot, winning $2500 playing blackjack at a casino near Philadelphia. So, why does this land him in our bozo criminal report? For the simple reason that he was a wanted man, with several outstanding drug charges on the books. When he went to claim his money, he had to produce an ID and he was busted. And, even after being arrested, he tried to play it cool, telling the officers that he knew he was going to be arrested soon and he had only visited the casino to win enough money to make bail.

Our bozo for today once again proves the adage that the dog is not the bozo’s best friend. From the International File in Asuncion, Paraguay, comes the story of three prison inmates who thought they had come up with the perfect escape plan. They dug a tunnel about 26 feet from their cell to an area just outside prison walls. Just as they burst forth from underground, guess who happened to be passing by? Right, a stray dog who immediately began barking loudly. The dog made enough racket that a guard on the southern edge of the prison noticed what was going on and nabbed them before they were able to make their getaway. Good doggie!

Bozo criminals for today from Lawrenceville, Georgia thought they had come up with a sure-fire money making scheme. They would sell fake Nike Air Jordan shoes for a big profit. After loading 78 pair into the trunk of their car, they headed down Interstate 85 northeast of Atlanta. Their problems began when a state trooper pulled them over for speeding. Their problems got worse when he checked their trunk and discovered something strange about the Nike Air Jordans. It seems the image of Michael on the shoes had six fingers on his hand. Oops. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk James Sutter for sending in today’s report. From Ambridge, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Frank Thompson who was a passenger in a car that was pulled over after a patrolman noticed it was being driven erratically. Now, most people who are riding shotgun in such a situation would know enough to keep quiet, but keep in mind we’re dealing with a bozo here. As the officer tried to talk to the driver, our bozo kept mumbling aloud. When the officer tried to quiet him down, he started struggling, resulting in his being zapped with a stun gun. And that’s when the reason for his mumbling became apparent. Out of his mouth flew 23 individually wrapped pieces of crack cocaine. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Evanston, Wyoming, where bozo Richard Vail was on the run from the cops, wanted for violating parole on a murder and escape conviction in Georgia. When he ran out of gas, he did what any bozo would do, he called the local sheriff’s department for roadside assistance. Bad idea. Even though he was in Wyoming, his Georgia warrant still showed up in the computers. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Rochester, New York, comes the story of Bozo graffiti artist Oliver Green, who tagged a bridge with disparaging remarks about President Obama. City crews removed the graffiti, only to have it return a few days later. They removed it again, and again it returned. The process happened three more times before the cops decided it might be a good idea to stake out the bridge. And, lo and behold, the cops noticed a car with anti-Obama slogans painted all over it approaching the bridge. Yep, it was our bozo returning to the scene of the crime once again. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where Maureen Rhoades was pulled over after an officer saw her driving erratically. After noticing she smelled of alcohol and seeing an empty glass in the street, the officer ordered her out of the car to take a field sobriety test. It was her response to his request that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the officer she couldn’t take the test because her "big boobies" made her unstable. That’s not an acceptable excuse. She was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Letcher County, Kentucky, where bozo Andrew Tarver broke into a supermarket. This alone would not necessarily qualify as bozo activity. It was what he was wearing that landed him the the Bozo Hall of Fame. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo inside, wearing only a pair of black boots, with his entire body covered in peanut butter and chocolate. Sort of a Bozo Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. Police said our bozo had apparently seen the error of his ways, as he had written the word "Sorry" on the floor in Nyquil. He’s been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Stock Island, Florida. Bozo Eli Ellis forgot very important Bozo Rule Number 22375: A bank robber’s mask should cover his face. Our bozo placed a pair of shorts on his head, apparently planning to pull them down over his face when he entered the bank. Unfortunately, he forgot to do so, and when he walked up to the teller, his face was in full view, as were the shorts on the top of his head. The teller didn’t understand his request for money and when she asked him to repeat it, he simply said "Nevermind" and walked out of the bank. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly apprehended, after attempting to flee the scene on his bicycle.

Our bozo for this morning from Butte, Montana, comes from our Be Careful What You Wish For Department. It seems bozo John Haynes was compiling a "bucket list", a list of things he wanted to do before he died. And one of the things on his list was to be part of a police chase. So, he followed a police patrol car for seven blocks before pulling around and leading the cop on a chase at speeds exceeding 100 MPH. Bad idea. When the cops pulled him over, he told them he had "just always wanted" to be part of a police chase. He got his wish. Wonder if he "always wanted" to be charged with reckless driving and eluding the police. He got that, too.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bangor, Maine. Police were called to a liquor store to investigate a report of a theft of a bottle of Sambuca. Apparently a man had grabbed the bottle and fled, with the help of a woman who accompanied him. Police had little trouble tracking the pair down, as there were tracks in the fresh snow outside leading to a nearby apartment. Once inside, they found only the alleged female accomplice, her male friend was nowhere in sight. Well, almost nowhere in sight. One of the officers noticed a large pile of clothes on the bathroom floor. And when they looked closer, they noticed a leg was sticking out. Oops. They’re both under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut, where our unidentified bozo enjoyed a $9.15 breakfast and presented a credit card for payment. When the card was rejected, our bozo had the server run the card again. And again it was rejected. So, she offered up cash or another card for payment, right? Nope. Instead, she made a run for it, running out the door and jumping into her car. The cops quickly arrived, and, after being given her license number tracked her down. But she still wasn’t giving up, leading the cops on a high speed chase before she finally crashed into a police cruiser. All for a ten dollar breakfast? Not quite. When she got out of the car, a baggie of cocaine fell out of her shoe. She’s busted!

Our bozo for today let his road rage get the best of him and that’s what landed him in our Bozo Hall of Fame. From Mount Juliet, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo Warren Morris who was in a hurry to get somewhere when he came upon vehicle parked in the middle of the street, blocking his way. After his honking drew no response, he noticed there was no one inside. So, he did what any bozo would do. He got out of his car, climbed into the vehicle, and prepared to move it out of his way. Bad idea. You see, the vehicle blocking his way was an ambulance and EMT technicians were inside a residence, preparing a patient for transport. Don’t know where he was in such a hurry to get to, but he didn’t make it. He’s been charged with unauthorized use of a vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File‘s Internal Affairs department in Germany. A traffic cop, with 22 years experience on the force, was discovered to have been making his rounds in his patrol car without having a valid drivers license. Oops. His lack of a proper license was uncovered when he found he had to wear glasses and applied to change the license. He’s been fined and demoted. No word if he wrote himself a ticket.

Our bozo for today simply confirms something we’ve known for a long time: Bozos never learn. From Eugene, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Adam Alexander who had been behind bars since 2009 on an arson charge. He was released last Tuesday and after a bus ride home on a state-paid ticket, he headed straight to the bank. Nope, not to check his balance. Instead, at 10:02 AM, he walked in and announced his plans to rob the place. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice the police car sitting right outside. The officer saw what was going on and placed him under arrest. Time of the arrest: 10:05 AM. Perhaps a new Bozo Speed Record.

It’s hard to find a criminal in our story for today, but it makes for an interesting tale nonetheless. Police in Panama City, Florida, were called to a residence after a rather unusual 911 call. When they arrived, the discovered that the 15-year-old girl there had called the police because her mom was making too much noise… while having sex. She initially demanded to be placed in protective custody because she said her noisy mom made her "feel disrespected." Mom apologized. The boyfriend left. And the girl decided she didn’t want to leave home because it "was almost time for school."

If there is one thing we’ve learned over the years following the adventures of our bozos, it’s that they don’t always do the expected. Such was the case for our bozo for today from Flagstaff, Arizona. Bozo Martin Bailey was arrested last week on trespassing charges and was scheduled for release on his own recognizance on Monday. When the officers showed up to escort him from his cell, our bozo decided that maybe he didn’t want to leave. He said he couldn’t go because he couldn’t find his wallet and then he began fighting with the officers. Don’t know if he ever found the wallet, but he got his wish. He’s still in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lynn, Massachusetts, where bozo Tina Carroll used a stolen welfare benefits card to purchase $64 worth of soft drinks. But it wasn’t her thirst that drove her to make such a purchase. It was her desire to cash in the aluminum cans for recycling. And since the supermarket had an automated recycling machine on premises, what could go wrong? A lot, if you’re a bozo. She loaded the full drink cans into the machine without bothering to empty them. As you can imagine, the carbonated beverages made quite a mess when the machine tried to process them, drawing the attention of store security personnel. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. Apparently bozo Jesse Daws was a fugitive on the run from the cops on a murder charge when he burst into a home and held the family hostage at knifepoint. He demanded that they hide him from the cops, even offering to give them some cash if they did so. He then proceeded to fall asleep, giving the family the opportunity to call the cops, which they did. Our bozo was arrested and the story would end here, except for what he did next, which assured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He filed a lawsuit against the family, claiming breach of contract for turning him in. He claimed they had a legally binding oral contract when they agreed to accept money from him in exchange for hiding him. The judge didn’t agree. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today violated not one, but two bozo rules. First, our bozo from the International File in Mexico City, Mexico forgot Bozo Rule Number 337766: A skateboard is not a good getaway vehicle. Police say bozo Sergio Lara rode his skateboard to a bank, walked up to the teller and asked for cash. It was then that he violated Bozo Rule Number 669876: Speak up when making your demands. The teller said he whispered his request for money and spoke so low that she couldn’t hear him. When she ignored him, he simply climbed back on his skateboard and skated to another bank nearby. The teller at the second bank said he whispered his demands to her as well, but loudly enough that she knew what he wanted. She was able to set off a silent alarm and was still in the process of getting his money when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.