Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 01435, which states the obvious: Being in jail does not qualify you for unemployment. From Buffalo, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was serving time at a state prison. This fact did not stop him from falsifying application papers and collecting unemployment. His plan came to a screeching halt when jail officials noticed the unemployment checks being mailed to him. Oops…He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today from Columbus, Ohio, forgot Bozo Rule Number 454466: Following directions is not always the best idea. Our unidentified bozo entered a branch of the PNC bank with his hoodie pulled up to cover his face. As he was waiting in line, one of the tellers noticed him and informed him of the bank’s "No hats, no hoods" policy and told him he would have to take off the hood. Not wanting to break the rules, our bozo complied, giving security cameras a clear shot of his face. Undaunted, he stayed in line and, when he got to the teller, said he had a gun and demanded cash. While he succeeded in getting away with a small amount of money, police expect to make a quick arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File in Russia. The cops pulled our bozo over under suspicion of drunk driving. When they asked him for his driver’s license, our bozo began searching his pockets. Finally, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and proceeded to "call" his father who was "on duty", carrying on an imaginary conversation where he told Dad he needed to "deal with the situation." He continued talking to the cigarettes while the officers searched his car. Finally, he pulled a cigarette out of his "phone" and lit up as he was being placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today fits the definition of "bumbling bozo" perfectly. From Charlotte, North Carolina, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and was making his way around when he stumbled and fell. The jolt caused his gun to discharge, which woke up the residents, who called the cops. Miraculously, twinkle toes was able to run away without tripping. Police are checking hospitals looking for patients with skinned knees.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Robert Hardy attempted to break into a residence by opening a window. In the process, his glasses fell off, hitting the window and making a noise which caused the homeowner’s dog to start barking. He quickly fled, leaving his glasses behind. After a short period of time, he did what any nearsighted bozo would do, he returned to the home, rang the doorbell, and asked for his glasses back. The homeowners slammed the door in his face and called the cops, who found four-eyes hiding in the bushes nearby. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom seen K-9 Division. From Central Islip, New York, comes the story of Melvin Rogers who rode a bus from his home in Bellport to a court appearance in Central Islip. Somewhere along the way, another passenger’s rogue Bozo Criminal Chihuahua urinated on Melvin’s backpack. Not wanting to take the offending item inside the courthouse, Melvin stashed it in the bushes when he got off the bus. Unfortunately, a security guard spotted him and, thinking it might be harmful, called the bomb squad. After a robot determined that the bag didn’t contain anything more dangerous than Chihuahua pee, Melvin was released. The Bozo Criminal K-9 is reportedly still on the loose.
Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 78609: Leave crime fighting to the professionals. Our story comes from Petoskey, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a man dangling from the roof of a hardware store. The police were shocked at what they found when they arrived. A man dressed in a Batman costume, armed with a collapsible baton, a can of mace and a pair of lead lined gloves. The police removed the caped crusader from the rooftop and charged him with trespassing and weapons possession.
With warmer days ahead, our bozo for today learned the hard way that being thirsty is no excuse. From Bridgeport, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Raymond Reese who found himself in need of a beer. And it was a Sunday, and beer sales are banned in Connecticut on Sundays. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called 911 to place his order. Three times. And he didn’t want it as a public service, either, he offered to pay them for their trouble. No matter. He’s been charged with abuse of the 911 system.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Okeechobee, Florida, where bozo Joseph Pierce walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding a sack full of cash. One problem. He failed to bring a sack. After the teller explained that she didn’t have a bag, either, our bozo walked out and climbed onto his getaway bicycle. He didn’t get more than a few blocks before he was placed under arrest. Bozo Rule Number 33578: Bring your own sack.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts File. From Ford Heights, Illinois, comes the story of bozo Dewayne Simmons who thought he had come up with the perfect "chick magnet." A four-foot alligator which he kept in a tank in his house and fed live mice. He thought women who came over to his place would be impressed. By all reports, they weren’t. Neither were the cops, who charged him with possession of a dangerous animal. The critter has been given a new home where the only females he’ll have to impress will be of the gator variety.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Clay, New York, where police were on the lookout for a suspect in a break-in. They were patrolling the area when a 911 dispatcher received a "pocket dialed" call. The dispatcher listened for a few moments and then heard a voice on the other end of the line say, "There go the cops now." Thinking the conversation sounded suspicious, he stayed on the line while they discussed their plans for a getaway. They didn’t get to put those plans into action, however. The dispatcher relayed the information to cops in the area and they were pulled over. The officers found the stolen tools from the heist in our bozo’s car. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From North Charleston, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Dexter Wilson who forgot Bozo Rule Number 77865: Sometimes you should call the Better Business Bureau rather than the cops. It seems our bozo purchased $60 worth of crack cocaine from a dealer but received only $20 worth of drugs. When he demanded his proper change, the dealer refused. So, he did what any bozo would do. First he smoked the crack. Then he called 911 to complain. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report which confirms Bozo Rule Number 00997: Don’t start running from the cops until you’re sure they’re after you. From Roseburg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Charles Baxter who happened to pull up to a residence at the same time a police cruiser did. The officer was looking for the homeowner and, thinking our bozo must be him, approached the car. Our bozo immediately jumped out of the car and ran, jumping into a nearby river and swimming to the other side, where he tried to hide in some blackberry bushes. Officers quickly found him and quickly discovered he was not the man they were looking for. No matter. It turned out he was wanted on a parole violation out of California. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Hallandale Beach, Florida, where two hearing-impaired men were sitting at a bar enjoying their drinks when they were confronted by a couple of angry bozos. Things quickly went downhill from there and the two men were attacked, suffering minor knife wounds. Police arrived and arrested our bozos, charging them with assault. It was what started the incident that ensured their place in the Bozo Hall of Shame. They told the cops that they mistook the sign language the men were using to communicate for gang signs. Oops.
Today, the biggest Bozo of them all, Osama bin Laden, is dead. God bless the USA and God bless our troops!
This morning the Bozo Criminal Report poses the question, "Can a man in a cow suit steal 26 gallons of milk from Walmart?" The answer, apparently, is "Yes." The follow-up question is obviously, "Can he get away with it?" The answer, as you would expect, is "No." From Garrisonville, Virginia comes the story of an unidentified 20-year-old bozo who somehow shoplifted 26 gallons of milk from the Walmart and then proceeded to give it out to passersby outside the store while wearing a cow suit. Mr. Cow had "moo-ved" on by the time the police arrived. But he was found a short distance away when the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at McDonalds. The cow suit was found in the car and he was placed under arrest.
Our bozo for today may not necessarily be a criminal, but the way he treats his parents is definitely a crime. From the International File in Malaga, Spain comes the story of an unidentified 25-year old bozo who sued his parents when they decided to cut off his allowance. The man, who doesn’t work or attend college, is perfectly capable of finding a job, according to his family. A judge agreed and ordered the man to get out of his parents’ house within 30 days.
Failure to heed Mama’s advice to be careful who you choose to be friends with ultimately caused problems for our bozo for today from Chattanooga, Tennessee. It seems bozo Donte Taylor had an idea for what he thought would be a perfect robbery. He would stop by to visit some folks he hadn’t seen in a while and when he left his friends, who had been waiting outside, would burst in and rob the place. Things were going according to plan, visit, home invasion, grab stuff, flee. It was the fleeing part that didn’t work out so well. After his friends grabbed their loot, they were all running toward the getaway vehicle when our bozo tripped and fell. And remember what we said about choosing good friends? These guys simply fled and left their "friend" behind. The cops quickly arrived and placed our friendless bozo under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Woodland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Jeremiah Collier who went on a late night beer run, but found his search complicated by his own bozo-ness. Mistake one…he went to a mini-mall in search of a liquor store, a bad idea, since the nearest place selling alcohol was several blocks away. Second, he had no real tools for breaking into the stores, so he launched a 15 minute assault of throwing golf balls at the windows in an attempt to break them. When this failed, he used the old trick of trying to jimmy a lock with a credit card. Having no credit card handy, he used his drivers license instead. He didn’t succeed in jimmying the lock, but he did succeed in getting his license stuck in the door. After a while, he gave up, leaving his license behind and the whole thing recorded in vivid detail on the mall’s security cameras. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut, where bozo Emilio Lopez showed up at the local scrap yard and tried to sell a gas container for $60. What makes this bozo-worthy is what he did before he showed up at the scrap yard. Apparently the can was full of $200 worth of gasoline, which he emptied onto a city street. Let’s see, $60 minus $200 gives you a loss of $140, and that’s before the fine for hazardous dumping. He’s busted!