Yearly Archives: 2011

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where bozo Peter Simpson had his eye on a swan that lived at a lake near the city’s downtown. Our bozo was just sure that the swan would look much better in his backyard than in Lake Eola, so he snatched it and took it to his home about three blocks away. The swan obviously was not happy with the situation and squawked and squirmed as our bozo carried him to his house. And this gave the cops the clues they needed to solve the case. They merely followed the trail of feathers to our bozo’s residence. He’s under arrest. The swan was returned to the lake unharmed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Radnor, New Jersey, where two bozos decided it would be funny to break into a police vehicle and pretend to be under arrest. They found an unlocked police van and let themselves in, taking pictures of themselves inside. Unfortunately, once they were inside they somehow locked the van’s doors. And, even after a great deal of effort, they couldn’t figure out how to get the doors unlocked to let themselves out. So, they called a friend to come rescue them. After he had no luck, he dialed 911 for help. Not the best idea. The cops arrived and made our bozos dreams a reality. They were arrested for breaking into a police vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas, where police were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. When they arrived, the windows were covered and the doors were locked. Thinking he had barricaded himself inside, the cops set up outside the house and tried to contact the man. After three hours, and no response from our bozo, the police decided to go in. They broke down the door, and found nothing suspicious inside. That is, until they went into the bedroom. There they saw our bozo, all curled up and sleeping like a baby. He’s taking his next nap in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradford, England, where our unidentified bozo must have thought he had hit the jackpot. He broke into a pub and started stealing electronic equipment. In fact, he spent four hours unscrewing CCTV cameras from the walls. And the reason we know how long he spent unscrewing those security cameras? They were recording his every move. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Hillsboro, Missouri comes the story of a man and woman bozo team who broke into the garage of a residence when, for reasons only understood by the bozo mind, they decided that it would be a good time to make love. While doing so, the woman accidentally sprayed our bozo with pepper spray. In a panic, she ran off and promptly drove our bozo’s car into a pond a couple of miles away. In the meantime, the homeowner woke up and called the cops, who arrived to find our bozo leaving the scene wearing only a raincoat. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Southsea, England, where bozo Jonathan Owens was being questioned by the police about a robbery at a gambling facility. Our bozo strongly denied being involved in the crime. That is until the police showed him one important piece of evidence…his day planner. The entry for the day of the robbery said, "Go Portsmouth robbery happens." Oops. He’s scheduled to be sentenced later this month.

Bozo criminal for today from Centralia, Washington, proves something we’ve pointed out before: The old adage about a dog being man’s best friend doesn’t necessarily apply to bozos. Police officers were investigating a burglary that took place on Sunday when one of the cops noticed a dog hanging around the crime scene. Another of the officers recognized the pit bull as belonging to a 19-year-old bozo who had been in trouble before. Playing a hunch, the officer went to our bozo’s residence and, sure enough, found a number of the items that had been reported as stolen. He’s busted! Officers now hope to find a new home for the dog.

Bozo criminal for today from Kingman, Arizona, got himself arrested for doing something we’ve all thought about at one time or another. It seems bozo Lawrence Lucas was fed up with his old Camaro. It had been giving him lots of trouble and when it failed to start on the morning of April 13th, it was the last straw. Our bozo took out his gun and put the Camaro out of its misery, firing two rounds through the windshield and into the dashboard. That probably wouldn’t have gotten him arrested, but when the neighbors called the cops to complain about the noise, he barricaded himself inside his house and refused to come out and explain himself. Bad idea. He’s been sentenced to 90 days for unlawfully discharging a gun within city limits.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carl Davis for sending in today’s report from Woodbridge, Virginia, where today’s bozo was definitely looking for love in the wrong place. Police were called to a report of a burglary at the Late Night Adult Store. Once there, they found the front glass door had been shattered but initially saw no one inside. A police dog was brought in and he indicated that the officers should look inside a closet. And it was there that they found our bozo, Justin Lang, all snuggled up with one of the store’s life-size dolls. Guess you could call it Bozo-interruptus. He’s been charged with burglary.

Bozo criminal for today from Des Moines, Iowa, proves that we need to make an addendum to the old saying "You don’t tug on Superman’s cape." Apparently you need to add a police horse’s tail to that list of prohibited items to yank. Des Moines police say bozo Tonya Shafer walked up to Scout the police horse and tugged on his tail while police officers were trying to clear a congested area near a bar. Bad idea. She was arrested on an "interference with official acts" charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Allen for sending in today’s report, which once again proves that honesty is not necessarily the best policy if you’re a bozo. Our bozo for today comes from Grand Junction, Colorado, where police were called to a disturbance at a party. Upon arrival, the cops questioned our unidentified bozo and he immediately told them that he had just taken an Ecstasy pill and had smoked "a little pot." Unfortunately for him, he failed to smoke all of his pot before confessing to the cops. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Pennsylvania, where an 89-year-old woman and her 82-year-old friend where accosted by bozo Jerry Barker as the two left a pizza shop. Our bozo tried to grab the 89 year old’s purse, but she was having none of it. She swung at him with her cane, hitting his getaway car in the process. The cops were quickly able to find and identify the would-be purse snatcher. When granny took a swing at him, she swung with enough force that her cane dented our bozo’s car. And when the cops found the car, the dent in the car matched the shape of granny’s cane. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vineland, New Jersey, where an unidentified bozo tried to break into a residence. In the process, he damaged a window screen and got the attention of the homeowner. When she confronted him, he immediately apologized to her, telling her that he had made a mistake and had meant to break into a neighbor’s home. He then offered to repair the damage to the screen. She declined his gracious offer and asked him to leave, which he did. The cops are looking for our polite bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Orchard Park, New York, where our unidentified bozo was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. The officer, believing her to be intoxicated, asked our bozo why she was in such a hurry. It was her answer that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told him she was late for her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. After she gets out of jail, it’s back to step one of that 12 step program.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Delaware, Ohio, where police officers were called to a report of a domestic dispute. A man told the police he had been attending a wedding with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in the car. It was when the officers tried to remove her from the car that she pulled the stunt that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the cops that she was a "breast feeding mother" and then proceeded to take out her breast and spray the officers with milk. Officers were able to calm her down and place her under arrest for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. No word on whether or not the weapon was confiscated.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Webb for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kendal, England comes the story of bozo Stephen Cook, who was accused of shoplifting an expensive coat from a local store. He was arrested and ordered to appear before the court. And appear he did, wearing the very coat he was accused of stealing. The coat was immediately identified by store employees. Oops. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from St. Petersburg, Florida. Bozo Jeffrey Johnson accosted two women on the street, spitting beer on them and bonking one on the head with a beer bottle. Our bozo sprinted away, running straight into a camera crew that was filming a rap video. He then did what any bozo who had just broken the law would do. He ran straight for the camera and thrust his face into the lens. Bad idea. The film crew made the video available to the police who then released it to the media. After receiving several tips, our bozo was identified and arrested. Apparently he was proud of his moment of fame, too. He even commented on the video when the police were arresting him.

In the long and storied history of the Bozo Criminal Report, today’s story may be the grossest. Read further only if you have a strong stomach. You have been warned. From Boulder, Colorado, comes the story of a problem that occurred at a local festival. Police received a report from a woman that when she went to use the port-a-potty, she noticed something moving inside the tank. She asked a man to go check and he said he could see someone, covered by a tarp, inside the tank. While he was away calling the cops our bozo was seen running from the portable toilet, covered in…well, you know. Police are looking for him, and say they just plan to follow their nose.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Buffalo, New York, where bozo Sean Stevenson took the phrase "joy ride" a little too literally. Troopers spotted him standing with his upper body sticking out of the sunroof of a vehicle as it was traveling down Interstate 190. When the cops approached and turned on the car’s lights, our bozo tossed something out of the vehicle. Unfortunately that something landed right on the windshield of the police car. Even more unfortunately that something was a baggie of marijuana. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Naples, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Slater who was found trapped underneath his motorcycle after losing control of it and crashing into a wooded area. He was taken to the hospital and treated for minor injuries. When investigating officers arrived at the hospital, our bozo began acting strangely, screaming and cursing as he attempted to get out of his hospital bed. After the cops got him calmed down, he first denied that he had been in an accident that day. When they asked him how he ended up with a motorcycle on top of him, he gave the answer that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He said that "the boogeyman" did it and added that the officers couldn’t arrest him. Oh yes they could. He’s been charged with DUI and resisting arrest.