Yearly Archives: 2011

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but what his friends did to him is definitely a crime. From Vallejo, California, comes the story of a bozo who accepted a challenge from his friends who bet him that he couldn’t squeeze himself into a child’s swing at a neighborhood park. Our bozo lubed himself up with laundry detergent before sliding his legs into the two small holes on the swing. He made it in, but couldn’t extricate himself. And that’s when his friends pulled their bozo act. Perhaps to keep from having to pay off on the $100 bet, they simply left him swinging. He apparently was stuck for nine hours before police were called to free him. A hospital spokesman says he suffered no major injuries.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Obernburg, Germany, where our unidentified bozo walked into a jewelry store and presented a bracelet to have cleaned. On her way out, she grabbed a tray filled with $14,000 worth of gold and silver jewelry from a glass case. She didn’t get very far with her loot, however. Remember that bracelet she had brought in for cleaning? She gave the clerk her correct name and address when she handed it to her. Oops. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 445576: Just because you’re wearing the costume, it doesn’t give you super powers. From Jacksonville, North Carolina, comes the story of bozo Dale Farmer who walked into a convenience store wearing a Spider-Man mask and carrying a samurai sword. He approached the clerk and demanded cash. Immediately recognizing him as a bozo, the clerk grabbed a broom handle and hit him in the stomach and on the head. Another clerk joined the fracas and our bozo’s mask was ripped off and part of his ponytail torn out. Seeing the error of his ways, our bozo fled to a nearby house. Our cops found him there, with a freshly shaved head that only served to show the lumps on his noggin left by the broom handle. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where police were called to a motel to investigate a report of suspicious behavior. Or, perhaps more accurately, bozo behavior. It seems residents of the motel had complained that our bozo had been spraying air freshener all up and down the hallway. He apparently didn’t spray enough. The cops were able to smell the aroma of marijuana coming from underneath his door. He’s busted!

Sometimes it’s just bad timing that does our bozos in…along with their own stupidity, that is. From Elkton, Maryland, comes the story of a couple of bozos who were hauling $325,000 worth of marijuana in their van. The heavy load was more than the van’s tires could handle and our bozos were on the side of the road trying to change the tire when a police officer rolled by. And not just any officer, either. An officer returning home from a drug training class. And apparently one of the things they taught him in class was to be on the lookout for bozos. He stopped to help them and noticed the heavy load they were carrying. They’re busted!

Bozo criminals for today from New Castle, Pennsylvania must have listened to that song "High Hopes" one time too many. Because they must have figured if an ant could move a rubber tree plant, they could move a 15 ton bridge. And, like that ant, they succeeded. After our bozos dismantled the huge metal bridge, they went to a recycling company and tried to sell what was left of it for scrap. Guess they didn’t think that a couple of 20 somethings trying to sell a 15 ton metal bridge would arouse any suspicions. It did. The recycler called the cops and our bozos were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Lake Wales, Florida, comes the story of bozo Hanna Brown who was upset that her boyfriend had taken up with a new girl. After thinking long and hard about what to do, she fired up her 1996 Dodge Neon and headed over to his house. So she walked up to the door and demanded to talk to him? Nope. Maybe called him on the cell phone and asked him to come outside? No way. Rammed the Dodge into the boyfriends house five times, crashing into the girlfriends car in the process before driving away when the cops showed up? Yep. The amazing thing is the Neon was still running. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roswell, New Mexico where bozo Anna Davis was new in town and wasn’t sure where to find some marijuana. So, she did what any bozo would do…she placed an ad "looking for Mary Jane" on Craig’s list. Not surprisingly, this attracted a lot of attention, including a response from the local cops. They set up a "buy" in a local parking lot and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Based on recent Bozo Criminal activity, it would appear Facebook is one of the most effective crime fighting programs ever invented. From Albuquerque, New Mexico, comes the story of bozo Oscar Gonzalez who broke into a home and stole several items. Unfortunately, he left behind his cell phone. And even more unfortunately, the cell phone’s Facebook app led the cops directly to our bozo. And to add to his woes, when the cops came to arrest him, he fired six shots at them…from a BB gun. He’s in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Bozo Kelly Sawyer of Binghamton, New York just loves doggies. That in itself, of course is not a crime. But, there were, as we say, incriminating circumstances. It seems our bozo was attracted to K-9 officer Tarah, who was on patrol with his handler. When our bozo leaned over to pet Tarah, the dog detected the smell of marijuana and alerted the officer. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carlsbad, New Mexico, where bozo Benito Ramero got into a scuffle with his ex-wife, allegedly hitting her and pulling her hair. Police were called and the fight was broken up. It was then that our bozo revealed the reason for the fight. She had failed to "like" a comment he made on Facebook. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from McDonough, Georgia. It seems our bozo broke into a vehicle and took several items, including a cell phone. He then just couldn’t wait to try out all the features on the phone. He began by taking a picture of himself. Bad idea. First, he’s an ugly sucker. And second, the way the victim’s phone settings were set, it automatically posted the photo on her Facebook page. Oops. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Once again today we have a story of a bozo who was foiled by modern technology. From the International File in Geneva, Switzerland, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was being questioned by the cops on an unrelated case when the issue of his traffic violations came up. He denied ever speeding in his Bentley Continental, but his cell phone proved otherwise. Apparently he wanted to prove to his friends just how fast the Bentley would go, so he took a photo of the speedometer, showing it going well over posted limits. Unfortunately he also took pictures of the road, revealing where he was. And the phone also put a date and time stamp on the picture. Sort of a do-it-yourself traffic cam. His license has been suspended pending trial.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cobb County, Georgia, where bozo Shanla Stone drove to a car park to negotiate a drug deal. She got out of the car and was finalizing the deal with her customer when a shotgun blast blew a hole in the roof of her minivan. It seems our bozo had taken her three-year-old child along on the drug run and the child had found a shotgun in the backseat and decided to try it out. Luckily, no one was injured but a passer-by reported the incident to the cops, which resulted in our bozo being placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today from Yakima, Washington, confirms what we’ve long known…bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination. Nineteen year old bozo Robert Carson was speeding on his motorcycle when a deputy sheriff gave chase. The chase didn’t last long, however, as our bozo quickly left the deputy in the dust. Apparently this so pleased our bozo that he immediately headed home and bragged about his exploits on Facebook, even posting a photo of the motorcycle. Bad idea. Cops have access to Facebook, too. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where our unidentified 37-year old bozo wanted to take a ride in an ambulance. And it just so happened that he came upon an unoccupied one as he was walking past a hospital. Seizing the moment, he hopped in and took off. And that’s when things started to go wrong. Apparently he was unprepared for the powerful acceleration and sensitive steering in the ambulance as he veered all over the road and hit several vehicles during the first mile of his drive. Or maybe he was just really drunk. Anyway, he crashed the vehicle a mile and a half away. He did get his wish to ride in an ambulance, though. He was transported by ambulance to the hospital for treatment pending his arrest.

We all know that bozos just can’t handle success and today’s story from New York City proves it. Bozo Charles Barker walked into the Soverign Bank on Monday, announced that he was robbing the place and got away with a large amount of cash. It was so easy that our bozo thought he would try it again the next day. So on Tuesday, he walked in, announced his intentions and again left with his money. Thinking he could get used to this lifestyle, he decided to repeat the act one more time on Wednesday. He should have quit while he was ahead. This time the cops were there and he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in this story of star-crossed bozo lovers. Today we pose the question…if you are a pair of bozos in love and don’t have the money for the wedding of your dreams, what do you do? Ask your parents or grandparents for help? Nope. Work an extra job to save money? Nah. Take out a loan? No way. Steal copper wire from utility poles to net a whopping $18 profit? Yep. Not only are our bozos under arrest, they will have to pay for the repairs to the 18 utility poles that were damaged. There goes the honeymoon!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Brooklyn, New York, comes the story of bozo Robert Gilbert who stole a shtreimel, a sable-fur hat worn by Hasidic Jewish men, from inside a car. He took the hat, worth about $2000, to a local hat dealer and tried to sell it. Only one problem. The hat contained the owner’s name and phone number inside. Oops. The clerk called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Bay, Florida, where bozo Wilma Bella walked into a convenience store wearing a clear plastic mask and carrying a "Uzi-type" toy gun. The clerk, who was stocking items on another aisle, watched as she stumbled toward the register. Realizing he had a bozo on his hands, the clerk shouted, "Palm Bay police, get on the ground." Our bozo followed instructions and dropped to the floor. Our quick thinking clerk and another employee held her down until the cops arrived.