Yearly Archives: 2011

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Doherty for sending in today’s report from Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, where our bozo representing himself in court discovered he did indeed have a fool for a client. Bozo Paul Carter was charged with robbing 25 hotels and convenience stores in a three month period. As he was questioning one of the robbery victims, he asked him to describe what the robber sounded like. The witness replied, "He sounded like you." No further questions. Not to be deterred, our bozo called another witness and again asked the same question, what did the robber’s voice sound like? Again the same reply from a second witness, "It sounded exactly like you." No further questions. Case closed.

Bozo criminals for today from Watertown, New York, are members in good standing of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Authorities at the Watertown Correctional Facility were concerned when a couple of envelopes were discovered leaking a white powdery substance. State police and firefighters were brought in only to discover the substance in the two letters was sugar and lemonade mix. Upon further investigation, the letters were determined to be love letters sent by the inmates to their girlfriends, telling them they were "sweet" on them. Duh. Authorities say both men will be disciplined.

Bozo criminal for today from Garden Grove, California had been watching the price of copper rise, and seeing a chance to make some quick money, sprang into action. Unfortunately, being a bozo, he made a number of mistakes along the way. First, the copper wiring he staked out to steal was in the ceiling of the local Albertson’s store. And, second, he failed to calculate just how much weight the ceiling of Albertsons’s would hold. And third, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to try to steal the wire during business hours. He had made his way to a spot just above the checkout lane when the ceiling gave way. He took the express lane to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coram, New York, where bozo Kevin Davis crashed his car into the back of a police car. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the officer noticed that our bozo was wearing a potentially self-incriminating t-shirt. Boldly emblazoned on the front of the shirt were the words, "I’m a Drunk." Apparently so. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Miami, Florida. Bozo Ramon Torrez was called for jury duty and showed up promptly at 8 AM. Knowing that things usually get boring in the jury pool, he looked around for something to read. He found something interesting and took it with him into the jury room. It was while he was reading that he was arrested. Perhaps we should explain further. That interesting item that he found was a MacBook laptop computer that was on the table at the courthouse security checkpoint. Yep, he swiped a computer and took it with him into the jury room. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 997645: Keep your fingers to yourself. From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Cheryl Tarver who was annoyed when another driver gave her a "look" she didn’t like. So, she pulled up near the other vehicle and gave the driver the famous one-finger salute and sped away. And that’s when she saw the flashing lights in her rear-view mirror. The person who had been checking out her car was the county sheriff. Oops. She’s been charged with driving with a suspended license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bushkill, Pennsylvania, where bozo Timothy Morton walked into the local Best Buy store and interviewed for a job. After being turned down for the job, our bozo was leaving the store when he was distracted by a display featuring the xbox gaming system. Thinking no one would notice, he stuffed the game console down his baggy pants and walked out. Unfortunately, the whole thing was caught on video surveillance cameras. Even more unfortunately, the store manager recognized him and gave the police officers our bozo’s home address and phone number from the job application. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Kansas City Missouri really wanted a copy of the new "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3" game. He was waiting in a long line at midnight the day of the game’s release when he got frustrated. He saw a guy at the front of the line get a copy and that’s when he hatched his bozo scheme. He followed the man home, parked behind him, and, when the man got out, pointed a gun at him and demanded his copy of the game. He didn’t count on the man wanting the game as badly as he did. The man put up a fight and our bozo fled in his vehicle. Knowing just how much our bozo wanted that game, the cops knew right where to look for him. In the waiting line at the local Gamestop. Yep, he headed back to the store and got back in line. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 100976: Hiding places that are good for Hide and Seek don’t necessarily work with the cops. From Hastings, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Chuck Wilson who attempted to break into a restaurant, setting off the burglar alarm. When the cops arrived they noticed a big pile of leaves nearby. A really big pile of leaves. Yep, our bozo had tried to cover himself with leaves to hide from the cops. Bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 38897: A good fashion sense is not always a helpful thing. From Bremerton, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who ripped a bag from the shoulder of a woman who was walking with her two children at the ferry terminal. As he tried to run away, his stylish oversized jeans fell to his ankles, causing him to trip and fall. The woman grabbed her bag back as our bozo scrambled to pull his pants back up. After he was placed under arrest, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops he was only "monkeying around" and was just teasing the woman. The police aren’t buying the story. He’s in jail, where hopefully he’s been issued a pair of suspenders.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Gainesville, Florida. Bozo Denise Payne came up with what she thought was a good idea. She staked out a deli that she noticed had a cash register near the front window. After the place closed, she, along with her bozo helper, smashed the window, grabbed the cash register and sped away. Guess she never thought that the cash register is emptied every day at the close of business. Her take? One quarter. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from West Palm Beach, Florida, where bozos Alexander Palmer, 59, and Clara Pierce, 53, were in the mood for a little romance. They wanted that quickie right now, and since they didn’t have a room, they did what any amorous bozo couple would do. They stole a car for their little rendezvous. Unfortunately, the car they stole was an unmarked police car that was being used on stake-out by detectives from the auto theft division. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Kelly for sending in today’s report. From Hurst, Texas comes the story of a couple of out-of-town bozos who were involved in a hit-and-run accident. Police were dispatched and soon spotted our bozos. Knowing they were in big trouble, they tried to flee, but not being familiar with the city they took a wrong turn. A very wrong turn. Into the parking lot of the Hurst Police Department. Oops. They’re under arrest.

We all know that one of the hottest items these days is the iPad, and it seems even bozos want them. From Streetsboro, Ohio, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who went shopping for an iPad at the local Walmart. He picked out the one he wanted and handed the clerk his debit card. Noticing that she was having trouble getting the card approved, he did what any bozo would do. He took off for the door with the iPad in hand. He made his getaway but apparently he forgot about that debit card, which was still in the hands of the clerk. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where police were called to a residence on a report of a domestic disturbance. The officers discovered our intoxicated bozo who had apparently barricaded himself in the attic. After discussing the situation, it was determined that our bozo didn’t plan on coming down any time soon, but also didn’t pose an immediate threat. So the officers headed for the door, with the intention of coming back later to check on the situation. And that’s when our bozo came crashing through the ceiling and onto the living room floor. After determining he was not injured in the fall, he was taken into custody.

Bozo criminals for today come from Kissimmee, Florida, where Latasha Wilson and William Shafer checked out of the Rodeway Inn. The cleaning staff discovered they had left something behind…several bags of crack cocaine. Authorities were called and were there investigating when the hotel manager received a phone call. It was none other than our bozos, with a simple request. They said they would like to return to the hotel and wanted to pay for one more night "in the same room." They got to check in, all right…into the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Sean Farmer walked into a bar and ordered a Reuben sandwich. When it arrived, he grabbed it and bolted for the door without paying. Employees of the bar watched in amazement as our bozo hopped into his getaway vehicle…a forklift. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly apprehended, still in the bar’s parking lot. It seems our bozo, who had stolen the forklift earlier, couldn’t figure out how to get the contraption into reverse. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Colorado Springs, Colorado, where bozo Kevin Taylor had set up a little late night rendezvous with a woman he had met on line. His plans went awry when his girlfriend showed up at his home a few minutes before his date was scheduled to arrive. When his would be lover knocked on the door, our bozo pretended she was a burglar and called the cops. It didn’t take the police long to figure out what was going on. Our bozo has been charged with making a false report to police. And he’s no doubt looking for a new girlfriend.

Our bozos for today obviously never heard of the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. One of the basic rules in that book is, of course, "Flush", and not only did these guys not flush, they never even made it to the toilet. From the International File in Vara, Sweden, comes the story of two bozo robbers who broke into a home, tied up the residents, and took almost $9000 worth of cash and equipment. One thing kept them from making a "clean" getaway. Before driving away, they both pooped on the ground near their getaway vehicle. Yuk. Police were able to extract DNA evidence from the excrement which led to our bozos’ arrest.

With Halloween approaching, our bozos are up to their usual "tricks." From Eric County, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Brody Hastings who got drunk and decided he would go door-to-door exposing himself to "scare the kids." His ill-conceived plan came to a screeching halt when he knocked on the door of the chief of police. Oops. He’s under arrest.