Yearly Archives: 2010

All of us here at the Bozo Criminal Report who are old enough to remember the old "butter…Parkay!" arguments are disturbed by today’s story. From Waterville, Washington, comes the story of a 21-year-old bozo and his 17-year-old bozo sister. The sister was preparing a delicious meal of macaroni and cheese when her brother asked her if she was using butter in the dish. When she replied she was using margarine an argument ensued over the attributes of both. Bozo brother called the cops after bozo sister tried to slice his neck with the serrated end of a spatula. She’s been charged with assault. Parkay!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Snyder for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Horsham, Australia, comes the story of two guys who may not be criminals, but they are without a doubt bozos. The two 34-year-old men were drinking a few (maybe more than a few) beers when one of them wondered out loud if it would hurt to get shot with a pellet gun. You probably know what happened next. One of our bozos exposed his backside while his friend took aim and shot him. Then, the other bozo got to take a shot at his friend’s rear. After a while, the experiment was over with no damage being done. Or at least that’s what they thought. After two days both men were hospitalized with pain and had pellets surgically removed from their buttocks. Police have revoked our bozos’ firearms licenses and have confiscated their guns.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report which contains our first ever account of a bozo being arrested for driving a stolen car, which he also happened to own. From Rome, Georgia, comes the story of bozo Lance Bowden who called the cops to report his car had been stolen. A short time later, officers spotted the car, pulled it over, and who should be behind the wheel but our bozo himself. He tried to explain that a friend had borrowed the car and had failed to return it when promised. The police were as confused by the whole story as we are and placed our bozo under arrest for DUI and false report of a crime.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bruce Corris for sending in today’s report from Rochester, New York. It seems bozo Maria Sandoval was driving around with her boyfriend late the other evening when they started having an argument. She stopped the car and he got out. So did she. One small problem. She failed to put the truck into park when she got out. One much larger problem. The truck rolled on top of her when she stepped from the truck, pinning her underneath. Fortunately, a fire department rescue team was able to free her and she suffered only minor injuries. Unfortunately, the police found her to be intoxicated and charged her with DUI.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Austin, Texas, which proves the old adage that not all guns are created equal. Bozo Jose Rodriguez walked into a convenience store, raised his t-shirt to reveal a caulk gun underneath and demanded money. When the clerk didn’t appear to take him seriously, our bozo took out the caulk gun and attempted to pistol whip him with it. The clerk was having none of that and retaliated by hitting our bozo with a plastic trash can. He then fled empty-handed and jumped into a red pickup truck that was being driven by a man obviously dressed in drag. Needless to say, the whole situation attracted a lot of attention and one of the bystanders got the license plate number of the truck, which led to our bozos arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where bozo Delonde Brown was arrested and charged with marijuana possession. He was taken to jail, booked, and a few hours later he was released on bond. Well, almost released. Our bozo never quite made it out the door. He stopped and asked a guard if he could keep his jail ID card. The officer informed him that all clothing and IDs are property of the sheriff’s department. This didn’t set well with our bozo, as a simple argument with the guard over the ID quickly escalated into a scuffle. Well, that’s one way to get the ID card back. He was escorted to a cell.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Rockville, Connecticut. Bozo Thomas Peters was in court to appear before the judge on larceny charges. When the trial recessed for lunch, our bozo used the time to do what he knows best…break into cars. He stole a GPS unit out of one vehicle and inadvertently tried to sell it back to the actual owner. Sheriff’s deputies noticed what was going on and re-arrested our bozo. He may be nearing record territory. It was his 40th arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Manchester, New Hampshire. Bozo Robert Dicarlo walked into a convenience store and grabbed the large plastic display case containing lottery scratch-off tickets and dashed for the door. He was trying to get the large case into a parked car when the clerk caught up with him. After struggling with the clerk for a few moments our bozo gave up and ran away. A customer who had witnessed the whole thing got in his car and followed our bozo, who noticed him and flagged him down, saying he needed a ride. The customer told him he first needed to make a stop at the convenience store to pick up something. The very same convenience store he had just attempted to rob. What was picked up was our bozo, by the cops who were just arriving on the scene when they returned.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Higganum, Connecticut, where bozo Walter Brown broke into a residence. The homeowners were out of town but a relative who was checking on the place immediately noticed something was amiss when she opened the front door and saw a credit card laying on the stairs. She called the cops who searched the house and found our bozo asleep in an upstairs bedroom. It was while they were interrogating him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them that he mistook the house for a bed and breakfast and left his credit card on the stairs as payment. The officers gave him bonus points for being creative but placed him under arrest anyway.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Snyder for sending in today’s report which once again proves that it’s always good to be in shape. From the International File in North Devon, England, comes the story of bozo brothers Clive and Kelvin West who attempted to break into a department store through a hole in the wall, which Bozo Clive had created using a crowbar and a hammer. He then proceeded to try to squirm through the hole. Unfortunately, he didn’t chip a large enough opening to accommodate his 238-pound frame, and before long he found himself stuck tight. His noisy attempts to extricate himself attracted the attention of neighbors who called the cops. After freeing him from the wall, the police arrested our bozo and his brother.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report, which proves the old adage: Wise is the bozo who knows enough to keep his mouth shut. From Long Island, New York, comes the story of bozo William Finney who was pulled over by the cops when they clocked him doing 113 MPH in his $80,000 Maserati. After discussing the charges with the officer, our bozo said he’d like to point out that the officer was wrong. He was not going 113 MPH. In reality, according to the Maserati’s speedometer, he was doing 135 MPH. And, by the way, he also told the officer that he had been drinking. Two big mistakes. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file. From Alliance, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Audrey Simmons who called 911 five times within the space of a couple of hours. Not because she had an emergency. Because she didn’t have a husband. Yep, she called 911 to ask the operator to help her find a husband. 911 provides a number of services but matchmaking ain’t one of them. She’s been charged with improper use of the 911 system.

We have another case today of a bozo foiled by social networking. From Lockport, New York, comes the story of bozo Christopher Haines who was called before the judge to be sentenced on a robbery charge. Now, this was not a major break-in, he had assaulted a man and robbed him of $40. In most cases of this sort, the judge would be lenient. And that would have probably been the case this time…except for one thing. Our bozo had gone on his MySpace page and had bragged about his crimes and the fact that he was a member of a violent gang associated with the Bloods, based out of Chicago. Not the best thing to do just before going to see the judge, who had read the page. He decided to let him see what gangs he could join in prison. He’ll be locked up for seven years.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Ray Jackson who made a trip to the county courthouse. When he placed his belongings on the tray at the security checkpoint, he included a baggie of marijuana from his pocket. Realizing his error, he ran from the courthouse and got away before deputies could catch him. Guess he really must have wanted to attend something that was going on at the courthouse, as he returned the very next morning at exactly the same time. This time, he wore a hat in an attempt to disguise himself. Didn’t work. Deputies immediately recognized him and took him into custody. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gary Boone drove to a gas station, smashed the window and stole several cartons of cigarettes. Sounds like a successful crime, right? Wrong. There was one small problem. The whole thing was captured on the store’s security cameras. And just as he was driving away, the camera recorded the license plate falling off our bozo’s getaway car. Oops. He’s busted!

Our bozo story for today comes from the Internal Affairs division, and while the bozos certainly aren’t criminals, they certainly are bozos. From Corpus Christi, Texas, comes the story of the local police department who proudly announced "one of the largest marijuana plant seizures in the police department’s history." The officers spent hours tagging and removing more than 400 plants that they found growing in a city park. And then someone pointed out to them that, um, dude, that plant really doesn’t look much like marijuana. A battery of tests were run and the offending plant turned out to be horse mint, a common weed. Oops. Well, at least the park is now looking much more tidy.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report about a bozo who had obviously never seen the movie ET. From El Paso, Texas, comes the story of Bozo David Cain who was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. He ditched the car and sought refuge at a nearby carnival. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought a big pile of stuffed animals might be a good hiding place. So, he burrowed into the teddies and was still as a mouse. Only one problem, he didn’t burrow deep enough. The officer quickly spotted his tennis shoes sticking out from under the stuffed animals. Oops. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which contains two glaring errors made by our bozo. After spending the afternoon drinking, he became agitated when he thought some of his beer was missing. The first error he made was blaming his own mother with taking his beer. But that error alone wouldn’t get him arrested. It was what he did next that sealed his fate. He dialed 911 to complain that his mother had stolen his beer and said if she wasn’t arrested, he would continue to call 911. Police arrived to investigate and our bozo was charged with making a false 911 call.

Bozo criminal for today violated Mom’s Rule Number 1: Always wear clean underwear. From Seattle, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a home and took several electronic devices and a change of clothes. He must have really like those clothes, too, as he decided to change into them before leaving. And of course, since he was wearing a new outfit, he left his old clothes, including his underwear, behind. And that was his downfall. Police sent the underwear to a state crime lab and a DNA test identified our bozo. He’s busted!

One thing we’re sure of here at the Bozo Report: Guys love their trucks. And our bozo for today must not have realized just how much. From Longview, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a big pickup truck from the back yard of a home. Unfortunately, the homeowner was there at the time. And even more unfortunately, the homeowner immediately recognized the loud pipes on his truck when our bozo fired it up. He ran out of the house and gave chase in his other car and was on our bozos tail almost before he left the driveway. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo pulled over and ran away from the truck, which the homeowner then drove back home. Maybe next time he won’t leave the keys in it.