Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Ricky Fox fled from the cops after a traffic violation. After leading them on a chase at speeds of up to 90 MPH, our bozo spotted a tall fence and pulled the car over. He quickly scaled the fence but did not find the freedom he was looking for on the other side. He had climbed over the fence that surrounded the state women’s prison. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Admittedly, we’re going to have a tough time calling our bozo for today a criminal, but there’s little doubt he is indeed a bozo. From Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Donald Wesley, a true animal lover, who encountered a dead opossum on the side of the road. Trying to do the right thing, our bozo stopped and attempted to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the creature, who apparently had been dead for quite a while. A police officer spotted him and, after questioning, charged him with public intoxication. No word on the fate of the possum.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Naperville, Illinois, where bozo Carly Hampton was taken to jail after getting into a heated dispute with a cab driver. The officer on duty offered our bozo use of a telephone, telling her she was entitled to one phone call. So, she called a relative to come pick her up, right? Wrong. Maybe she called a bail bondsman? No. A lawyer? Nope. Instead our bozo used her one call to dial 911 and tell the operator that she was "trapped inside the police station." It comes as no big surprise that this was not a good idea. She now has earned another criminal charge, this one for making a false 911 report.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Orem, Utah, where bozo John Watkins swiped a couple of cell phones from a convenience store. And that’s where he troubles began. Apparently he left behind a slip of paper with his address on it. Then, he somehow became disorientated and flagged down a police officer to ask for directions. The very same police officer that was investigating the theft and had just received a description of our bozo from the clerk. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and possession of marijuana.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Connecticut, where bozo Albert Baker and a 16-year-old accomplice thought they had come up with the ultimate plan for simplifying bank robberies. Simply call ahead first. And that’s exactly what they did, calling the bank and telling the teller that they were on their way to rob the place and to avoid trouble, simply have a bag of money ready to go. Unfortunately for them, the teller called the cops instead and they were there waiting for our bozos when they arrived. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida, where Bozo Louis Perez may have been watching too many of those home makeover shows. Obviously thinking he needed something to spruce up his yard, our bozo pulled up in front of a doctor’s office, tied a rope to his truck, and affixed the other end of the rope to an expensive palm tree that was part of the office’s landscaping. Our bozo then proceeded to drive away, pulling the tree up by the roots. Office staffers noticed what was going on and called the cops, who simply followed the trail of sand to our bozo’s home. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo Scott Darby had been drinking and carousing at the local bar when he suddenly left with a woman on his arm and a half finished beer on the bar. Before the bartenders could pick up the glass, our bozo returned, toting a rifle and demanding cash. The staff thought he was kidding until he fired a round into the ceiling. They quickly cleaned out the registers and our bozo fled in a waiting car. The cops didn’t have any trouble tracking him down, though. It seems before his mood turned dark, he had been walking around the bar handing out business cards for his contracting business. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Elbert Taylor was under arrest on bank robbery charges. He was moved from the jail to a hospital after feeling sick and losing consciousness. It was while he was in the hospital that our bozo hatched his daring escape plan. He would gain his freedom by simply walking unnoticed out of the place. Somehow, he was able the get past hospital security despite the fact that he was still in his hospital gown with an intravenous needle in his arm. His plan must not have covered much after getting out of the hospital, as, instead of going into hiding, he simply walked to the nearest bar, without bothering to change clothes or remove the needle. The bartender noticed his rather strange appearance and called the cops. Our bozo is back in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Gene Caldwell likes Little Debbie Oatmeal Cookies. Really likes them. Likes them so much that, when he discovered what he thought were two boxes missing from his stash, he grabbed his garden hoe and began banging on his neighbor’s door demanding they return them. By the time the cops arrived, the door had been "damaged beyond repair" and an investigation ensued. Police listened to our bozo’s theory that his neighbors had broken into his house under cover of darkness and had stolen two boxes of cookies. They then took a look around his house and discovered the Wal-Mart receipt from the previous day that showed our bozo had purchased five boxes of cookies, not seven as he had believed. Case solved. Bozo charged with criminal mischief.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mount Washington, Pennsylvania, where Bozo Tremaine Johnson had just attended a concert by rapper Jay-Z. It was a cold night and as our bozo was heading home he found himself chilled to the bone. So he bundled up and walked faster, right? Nope. Jumped into his car and turned the heater on? No. Maybe stopped for a cup of coffee? Nah. Instead he broke into a house and climbed into a nice warm bed and cuddled up to the homeowner. The surprised man noticed someone in bed with him and asked if it was his girlfriend. When he heard a deep voice reply, "No, it’s not," he grabbed a baseball bat from beneath the bed and whacked our bozo with it, keeping him at bay until the police arrived. Our bozo is now sleeping in a nice warm jail cell.
Once again today we have an example of another Bozo Foiled By Modern Technology. From the International File in Mexico comes the story of bozo Maxi Sopo who was having so much fun living in paradise on a Mexican beach that he just couldn’t resist telling all his friends on Facebook about his adventures. Which would have been OK except for one thing: Our bozo was wanted by the feds on bank fraud charges. And the feds follow Facebook, too. They were able to track down our bozo through his public "friends" list and Mexican authorities placed him under arrest. It’s doubtful he’ll feel the need to brag about this on Facebook.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee, where a police officer who had been checking traffic speeds with radar parked his car to fill out a report. Suddenly, he felt his car shaking violently. He looked out the front window but couldn’t see what was causing the problem. It was when he stepped out that he spotted our bozo, a four-legged one. A rather large bulldog had grabbed onto the car’s front bumper and was giving it a mighty shake. The officer tried pepper spray on our bozo, but he was unaffected by it. Seeing the need to call for reinforcements, the officer contacted Animal Control while the bulldog focused his attention on the vehicle’s tires. By the time help arrived, our canine bozo had chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off the patrol car. Finally, Fido’s owners were contacted at a nearby welding shop. The owner was fined for letting his dog run loose and our bozo was released on his own recognizance.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Crime Doesn’t Pay…Much Department. From Thermal, California, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who robbed 11 people at a market at gunpoint. Her total take from those 11 people, $6. Police say, in spite of the small take, robbery is robbery and will charge her if she is caught.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our International Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file. From Berlin, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified woman who called the cops when she heard someone climbing up to her second story balcony shortly after midnight. When the police arrived they found our bozo, carrying flowers and a bottle of wine. He was the woman’s boyfriend and was hoping to surprise her for a romantic interlude. The story might have had a happy ending except for one thing. Mr. Don Juan was wanted by the cops on an outstanding warrant. Even though he offered the officers the bottle of wine, he was still placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where bozo Megan Baker was on the way to visit her boyfriend. Wanting to "freshen up" before arriving, she asked her ex-husband, who was riding in the passenger seat, to steer while she shaved her bikini area. It was at this time that she violated Bozo Rule Number 4466558: Shaving your privates while driving is not the best idea. Not surprisingly, she rammed her car into the back of another vehicle that had slowed to make a left turn. No word on whether she nicked herself in the crash. She’s under arrest.
Our story for today from Lake City, Florida, features another bozo Foiled By Modern Technology. Bozo James Nalls broke into a vehicle and was looking for something inside to steal when the owners discovered what was going on. Thinking quickly, they hit the lock button on the key fob, locking him inside the car. Every time he tried to open the door, they would hit the lock button again, preventing his exit. After a few minutes, he simply gave up and waited for the police to arrive. He’s been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and trespassing.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bartow, Florida, where bozo Thomas Ramirez robbed a convenience store, getting away with $70 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets. Later, when he discovered that one of them was a $50 winner, he did what any bozo would do. He went back to the same store he had robbed and attempted to cash it. An alert clerk recognized him and took down his driver’s license number before giving him the money. She then called the cops who stopped by and arrested our bozo.
Valentine’s Day has come and gone but it seems romance is still in the air almost a month later for our bozo criminal for today. From the International File in Bielefeld, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into the jail for some late night lovin’ with his wife, who was incarcerated there. Apparently our bozo somehow climbed a ten foot fence without being spotted by security guards and then used a skeleton key to get into the facility. So far, so good. It was their loud "grunts and groans" that got him into trouble. The other female inmates complained to the guards that the noise was keeping them from getting a good night’s sleep. He’s now under arrest, and hopefully locked away in a different jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincolnton, North Carolina, where bozo Richard Parks was on probation for possession of marijuana and resisting arrest and was not supposed to leave the area without informing his parole officer. Guess the chance at stardom was just too much for our bozo to resist, as he appeared on the Jerry Springer show this week to tell his story of a one-night stand with a stripper. The show ended with our bozo dodging a punch from his girlfriend as the stripper twirled around on a pole. He probably never dreamed his parole officer would be watching. He was. He’s gone from the Springer show to jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Our unidentified 26-year-old bozo had just finished a night of partying in a local disco and was walking through the parking lot when he decided that he needed one for the road. So, he stopped, pulled out a vial of powdered amphetamines and laid out several lines on the roof of a parked car. Only one problem, the car he picked to snort off of was an unmarked police vehicle. Oops. He’s busted.