We’re not sure, but we think the Spirit of Christmas may have led our bozo for today away from a life of crime. From Sacramento, California, comes the story of an unidentified cab rider who pulled a knife on the driver and then apparently thought better of it. He put the knife away and when he fled the cab, he left behind payment for the fare plus a tip. Police say our bozo won’t be charged.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Picayune, Mississippi, where bozo Robert Haynes went to a local cemetery to take pictures of ghosts. Or at least that’s what he told the cops. After they arrested him for indecent exposure. As he explained to the police, he had to take off his clothes because a naked body is the best canvas to show off the spirits orbs of energy. The cops believe his plan was to show off something else. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From West Linn, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Zelda Foster who broke into a residence and stole some computer equipment, jewelry and clothes and stuffed it all in a large duffel bag, which she also took from the house. Finding that she simply had too much stuff to carry, she did what any bozo would do, she called for backup. Unfortunately, she decided to call 911 to ask for a ride home. She’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 55987: Let your getaway driver in on what’s going on. From Elysian, Minnesota, comes the story of 70-year-old Sandra Barron who asked the son of a friend if he could please drive her to the bank. He was glad to do it and waited in the car while she went inside and robbed the place. When she returned to the car with her cash, he casually drove away. He never noticed when the bank vice president jumped in his car and followed them. He also never noticed when the police joined the caravan. When he pulled the car into our bozo’s driveway, she was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Gadsden, Alabama, where a group of bozos held up a bank, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. Our bozos were making their getaway when an officer noticed something strange about their car. Something was flying out of the windows as the vehicle sped down the highway. And that something was cash. Lots of cash. He turned around and gave chase, but not for long, as the bozos soon crashed their vehicle and fled into the nearby woods. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wigan, England, where thieves stole a batch of pies as they were on the way to the World Pie Eating Championships. This would not ordinarily have been newsworthy except for the secret ingredient that the chef had placed into the pies to prevent the potatoes from becoming mushy. Viagra. Yep, the chef placed Viagra into the pies to keep the potatoes firm. The local police chief says, and we quote, "the local folk should be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals." There’s nothing more we can say.
Bozo criminal for today comes from East Wenatchee, Washington, where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman and grabbed her purse after threatening to shoot her. Our bozo took off running toward what he thought was his approaching getaway vehicle. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. It was a marked patrol car, driven by an officer who had slowed down after he noticed what was happening. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Orange County Jail in Santa Ana, California, where bozo Malcolm Carson was tired of the salami sandwiches he was being served. So, he filed a protest about the jailhouse food, citing religious beliefs. And the religious holiday that he named that required Kosher food wasn’t Hanukkah. He said he needed Kosher food to celebrate Festivus. Festivus is the fictional holiday that was celebrated with the airing of grievances and feats of strength on the Seinfeld TV show. His request has been thrown out.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the Political Division. From McAlester, Oklahoma, comes the story of bozo state representative Terry Harrison who was very proud of himself when he bagged a piebald, white-tailed deer. He was so proud, he called the media to brag about his prize. Unfortunately, a game warden read the newspaper story about the deer and realized that the representative likely was in violation of state hunting regulations since he didn’t have a permit to shoot the animal. Oops. And our bozo should have known better, since he wrote some of the state’s hunting laws. He’s been fined $296.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our "’Tis the Season" file. From the International File in Montabaur, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who answered the door of his home to find the police standing outside. They informed him that they had received reports that he might be in possession of marijuana. Our bozo co-operated with the officers and turned over 5.5 ounces of pot and as they were leaving one of the officers noticed the lovely Christmas tree that our bozo had nicely decorated. As he took a closer look at the tree, he noticed it wasn’t a fir or a pine. It wasn’t even a cedar. Instead, it was a 7 foot tall marijuana plant with Christmas ornaments all over it. Looks like Santa has just added someone to the "Naughty" list.
Bozo for today comes from New York City, and we’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s the criminal here. 80-year-old Delia Greer was walking to the subway station when she tossed a newspaper into a city trash bin. An officer quickly approached and began writing her a citation. It seems the city trash cans are for "litter only" and a personal newspaper doesn’t qualify. Even though Delia offered to reach in and remove the paper, the sanitation cop refused to take back the ticket. Merry &$&S%^& Christmas! Delia says she’ll appeal.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bolingbrook, Illinois, where bozo Robert Otto was out on probation for a prior burglary charge. Police answering a call of a burglary at a residence noticed something strange. The home had been broken into before, about a year and a half ago. And many of the items that were stolen this time had been recovered when the previous case had been solved. And who do you think had pulled the previous crime? Yep, our out-on-parole bozo. Further investigation determined he had returned to the home to finish what he had started several months before. He’s under arrest, again.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Butler, Pennsylvania, where bozo Chad Carson stole a car, which he found unlocked with the keys inside. Our bozo had been drinking and his reflexes apparently weren’t too good and before he got very far he crashed the vehicle into a utility pole. Finding himself uninjured, our bozo simply jumped out of the car and fled. No problems, right? Wrong. When he ran away he left his wallet and cellphone inside the car. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarence, New York where an unidentified bozo dialed a number that he thought belonged to his drug dealer and told the person on the other end of the line that he was looking "to score" drugs. Unfortunately he mis-dialed and, instead of getting his dealer, he called the local "Crime Stoppers." The cop on the other end of the line played along and set up a meeting with undercover officers. In the spirit of the holiday season, the cops let our bozo off after he agreed to give them the right number this time for his drug dealer who was busted.
Bozo criminals for today come from Edmond, Oklahoma where bozos Ailene Bowen and Shirley Tate tried to shoplift some items from the local TJ Maxx store. The items included four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves. You’d have to wonder where they would try to hide such a large number of items. You’d probably never think of the location. Our bozos tried to smuggle the items in the copious folds of fat on their bodies. Maybe they needed to gain a few more pounds. Security guards noticed their rather lumpy appearance and they were placed under arrest.
With the arrival of cold weather across the nation, it’s once again time to point out that snow and bozos don’t mix. From Bend, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Bobby Davis who broke into a business, took some cash and headed back to his motel room. This might have been a successful crime in the summer…but it’s winter. And winter in Oregon means there could be snow on the ground. And there was. Police simply followed the tracks in the snow from the break in back to our bozo’s motel room. He’s under arrest.
We’re aware that pay phones are hard to find these days, but perhaps our bozo should have searched a little harder. From Eugene, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Nathan Brown who wanted to phone his mother, so he walked into a building where he found a pay phone and placed his call. Unfortunately, the building he walked into was a police station. More unfortunately, he was wanted for a recent bank robbery. And even more unfortunately, an officer working the front desk recognized him from a surveillance video. Oops. He’s under arrest.