Yearly Archives: 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brad Low for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Our bozo made a number of mistakes in his attempt to break into a factory. First, he decided to attempt his heist on a rainy, windy night. Second, he decided to try to get into the three-story building through the roof, which had a steep pitch and quickly became very slippery in the rain and wind. So slippery in fact that our bozo found himself stuck there, unable to break into the building or to get himself back down. After three hours, and using two fire trucks and a helicopter, rescuers were able to bring our bozo down so he could be arrested.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where bozo Charles Hathaway stole several hundred dollars worth of lottery tickets in a holdup at a gas station. Our bozo then showed up at the state lottery office less than 24 hours later, trying to cash in the winning tickets. Guess he didn’t realize the tickets have serial numbers on them and this group of tickets had been flagged as stolen. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today wins our "Wrong Place, Wrong Time" award. From Casper, Wyoming, comes the story of bozo Nicole Sayers who accidentally dialed 911 from her hotel room. The cops arrived and found nothing amiss, but as they were preparing to leave they noticed something strange sitting on one of the beds. It was a large barrel of cinnamon candies. One of the officers recognized it as coming from the nearby Poor Boy’s Restaurant, which had reported the candies as being stolen by a customer the day before. She’s been booked on suspicion of possession of stolen property.

Bozo criminals for today from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, need to review the Bozo Car Theft Handbook, because they managed to mess this heist up in just about every way possible. First, the vehicle they selected to steal was an old pickup that wouldn’t run, so three of them had to push it down the road while the fourth stayed in the cab to steer. Second it was a county vehicle so it had the county’s seal on the front door. And the sight of that vehicle being pushed down the road attracted just a little bit of attention when they pushed it past the County Jail. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Today we have yet another example of how bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. From Papillion, Nebraska, comes the story of a group of teenage bozos who decided to throw what they called a "history making party." They listed all the details on their Facebook page, including the fact that there would be a scanner monitoring police activity so underage partiers wouldn’t have to worry. Guess it never occurred to them that the police read Facebook, too. The party was busted and nine minors were charged with alcohol possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from Sydney, Australia. Bozo Marcus Ellington received a speeding ticket from a photo radar system for doing 60 in a 50 KMH zone. Rather than accept the $50 fine, he instead swore that a friend had been driving his car that day. That was his first mistake. His second mistake was in naming a "friend" that had been dead for three years. Maybe he thought that since he was a federal judge no one would check to see if he was lying. He was wrong. He’s been suspended and sentenced to two years in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Great Falls, Montana, comes the story of bozo Ray Slater who worked at the local Wal-Mart. For the past several weeks, items had been disappearing from the electronics department and no one could figure out what was happening to them. Then, the store manager noticed that a number of the items for sale on the employee bulletin board were the same items that had gone missing, including several iPods and computers. Yep, our bozo had been stealing from the store he worked at and then posting the stolen items for sale on the company bulletin board. He’s busted.

Yet another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Fayetteville, North Carolina, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. Unfortunately, before she got her money, her cell phone rang. She answered it, got involved in the conversation and turned and walked out of the bank empty handed. Must have been some interesting conversation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file in Palm City, Florida. Bozo Derrick Caldwell called the cops and told them that two armed men stole his vehicle’s GPS device and then bound him at the hands and ankles with zip ties. Inconsistencies in our bozo’s story made the officers suspicious and, upon further investigation, they found a bundle of the same zip ties in his truck. After additional questioning, our bozo admitted he’d faked his own robbery to try to get sympathy from his girlfriend, who had just broken up with him. The cops were no more sympathetic to him than she was. He’s under arrest for false report of a crime.

The current economic downturn is forcing some former executives into the Bozo Ranks, as is evidenced by today’s report from the International File in Madrid, Spain. Instead of trying to rob a bank, a builder with big debts kidnapped his bank’s manager and demanded he give him a $66,000 loan, plus his luxury automobile. His plan backfired when the bank manager talked him into letting him call a bank colleague. The co-worker could tell from the strange conversation that something was up and called the cops, who were waiting for our bozo when he arrived at a downtown office. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hurricane, Utah, where a sheriff’s deputy was passed by a speeding bozo on I-15 early the other morning. When the officer pulled him over, he noticed something strange in the back seat of the car–a morning newspaper rack, with the day’s papers still inside. And, since the man didn’t work for the newspaper, he had a difficult time explaining why the paper rack was in the back seat. He also had trouble explaining those outstanding warrants the officer discovered, and then he failed the sobriety test. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where two unidentified bozos tried to beat the self-checkout at the local Wal-Mart by leaving some of their items in the cart and not scanning them. The cashier noticed it looked like they had a lot more in their cart than they had paid for and asked to see the receipt. That’s when our bozos panicked, leaving their merchandise behind and quickly disappearing into the darkness outside. They might have gotten away with it except for one thing. In the cart full of items left behind were some pictures Wal-Mart had developed. And on the envelope was the name and phone number of one of our bozos. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Middletown, New York, where three bozos were in the process of stripping several parked cars when one of them accidentally hit the 911 button on his cell phone. No one answered when the operator picked up but he could hear lots of rattling and banging going on. The operator was a retired police officer and his instincts kicked in, prompting him to stay on the line to see what else he could hear. When he heard one of our bozos say that he was going to take the front tires, he realized what was going on. Cops pinged the cell phone to get the location and our bozos were caught red-handed.

Our bozo criminals for today come from Kansas City, Missouri, where three bozos had the bright idea of using a forklift to steal materials from a construction site. It might have been a good plan if they had only checked the weather forecast before heading out. A heavy rainfall had left the ground muddy and the forklift quickly became stuck. Our bozos panicked, leaving both the forklift and the truck and trailer they had driven to the site behind. And, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, instead of fleeing, they decided to hide in a nearby field where they discovered by the cops a short time later.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Lackawanna, New York, comes the story of bozo Charles Parsons who picked the wrong time and the wrong place to peel out from a light and then make an illegal lane change. He did it in full view of a traffic cop who was right behind him. However, it was when he was pulled over that his troubles really began. First, the officer noticed an open container of alcohol in the front seat. Strike one. Second, when asked for his registration, he couldn’t produce it. Strike two. And when the officer wanted to see his driver’s license, our bozo handed him his water bill. Strike three! He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hinsdale, Illinois, where bozo Jason Carpenter held up a Dunkin’ Donuts, getting away with $167. Apparently, he slept on it and decided he really didn’t want to pursue a life of crime. The next morning he returned to the same Dunkin’ Donuts, approached the same clerk he had robbed the day before, and said he wanted to return the money. He handed her the cash along with a written apology and then asked for a hug. Awww….Unfortunately, there are no take-backs involved in robbery. Police identified our bozo from a security camera picture and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia, where bozo Tom Clark was showing off the power of his new car by peeling out from a red light. An officer spotted him and pulled him over, giving him a warning. But that apparently didn’t slow him down at all, as a few minutes later he was seen doing another burnout. It was where he peeled out this time that got him into trouble. He did it in front of the police academy during the graduation ceremony, which was attended by some of the area’s highest ranking officers. Ooops. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mesa, Arizona, where bozo Al Salas held up a bank, getting away with a bag full of cash. Unfortunately for him, a witness saw him run from the bank and into a nearby home. The police knocked on the door and who should answer but our bozo, who had made a quick change of clothes but still had shaving cream on his face from the beard he was trying to get rid of. Police took a look around and found the bank bag, three holdup notes and 26 pounds of marijuana. He’s busted.

Bozo criminals for today come from La Marque, Texas, where our bozos at least had good intentions. Bozo Michael Brown and his girlfriend Cheryl Higgs walked, or perhaps staggered would be a better term, into the police station. After the woman passed out in the lobby, our bozo told the cops that he thought they might need a ride home. Which would have been OK except for that little baggie of marijuana that was sticking out of one of his shoes. Oops. They’re busted.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 88765: In the Bozo World, if at first you don’t succeed, it’s best not to try again. From New York City comes the story of bozo Paul Rodriguez, who was being trailed by the cops after a botched bank holdup. Instead of laying low or just going home, our bozo headed to another bank, where he tried again to rob it. Bad idea. The cops arrived just as he was attempting the holdup. He’s under arrest.