Yearly Archives: 2009

Bozo criminal for today comes from Zephyrhills, Florida, where bozo Jeffrey Pope wrapped a green towel around his head as a disguise and held up a convenience store, getting away with a couple of hundred dollars. Thinking this was easy, our bozo decided to try the same trick two days in a row, again wrapping his head in a towel and walking into the same convenience store. The same clerk was working but this time when he saw a bozo enter the store with a towel wrapped around his head he was ready. As he approached the counter, the clerk made a grab for him and his towel, knocking him to the ground and removing the towel in the process. Our bozo got away but not before the clerk got a good enough look at our now towel-less thief to make a positive ID on him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mission, Kansas, where bozo Jesse Shaw made a number of mistakes. First, he decided to slash the tires on several police cars parked in the department lot. Second, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he called the police station to brag about it. And that was when one of the officers thought he recognized that voice…it sounded just like a guy he had stopped for a traffic violation near the police station earlier that morning. Cops were able to match the voice on the patrol car’s dash cam video recorder with our bozo’s voice on the phone. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, South Carolina, where bozo Joseph Norris robbed a bank, getting away with almost $4000. He must have been really proud of the deed, too, since he couldn’t resist bragging about it on his MySpace page. His posting that he was "on the run for robbin’ a bank" got the cops attention. His next post will be from jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dubois, Pennsylvania, where bozo Nicholas Romano was an entrepreneurial type. He wanted to go into business for himself and went down to the local police station to apply for a vendor’s license. Which would have been a good idea except for one thing…he was wanted by the cops on drug and DUI charges. Oops. His business venture will have to wait for a while. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today, Brandon Hendrix, of Kansas City, Missouri, violated Bozo Rule Number 12034: It takes the proper tool to do the job. Our bozo had big plans to break into the very secure Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank. First, he climbed over a six-foot wrought iron fence. Then, he crawled under a second fence to get to a secured area. It was at this point that his lack of proper tools became obvious. To break into the Federal Reserve Bank, one of the most heavily guarded buildings in the country, our bozo brought along…a screwdriver. We don’t know if it was Phillips or flathead, but he was making no progress on the door when he was spotted by guards and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Derek Johnson made himself a mask, grabbed a knife, and held up the local KFC, getting away with a small amount of cash. His mistake was in making the eye holes in his mask so large that the manager was easily able to identify him as an ex-employee that had just been fired the previous day. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Colfax, Washington, where a group of bozos egged a car dealership, leaving behind a note condemning the "ignorant use of fossil fuels." Unfortunately our tree-hugging bozos chose to write this note on the back of the receipt from the grocery store where they bought the eggs. Cops reviewed the store surveillance video and were able to ID our bozos. They’re busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Huntington, New York, where three bozos broke into a residence. Once inside, they found a safe and, rather than try to break into it, they decided to simply carry it out. It was a bulky one and the sight of three bozos struggling to get a safe from a house into their car attracted the attention of someone driving by the residence. He took note of the license plate and called the cops. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina, where bozo Paul Roper walked into a bank, pointed a gun at the teller and got away with nearly $20,000 in cash. He hadn’t gone very far when he realized that he’d left a small notebook behind inside the bank. When he found the door had automatically locked, he pulled the handle hard enough to break it and open the door. He retrieved his notebook, but unfortunately he forgot that he had also left behind several additional papers, with his name and address on them. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Massachusetts, where bozo Robert Fields broke into a convenience store by smashing the glass front door. He got away with several cartons of cigarettes and some lottery tickets, but he didn’t get very far. It seems he suffered several cuts in the process and had to check himself into the hospital, claiming he had been stabbed. Doctors became suspicious when they found his clothes and shoes covered in shards of glass and several packs of cigarettes and lottery tickets sticking out of his pockets. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where bozo John Otto walked into a convenience store armed with a rather unusual weapon: a banana. He kept the fruit under his shirt and tried to pretend it was a gun. The storeowner and a customer weren’t fooled, and they jumped our bozo, holding him down until the police arrived. While they were waiting for the cops, our bozo ate the banana. Police are considering adding a charge of destroying evidence to the robbery charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, where bozo Hector Valanzuela vandalized a number of apartments. He gets extra Bozo points for creativity for the manner in which he vandalized the places, covering them in pudding, chocolate sauce and silver spray paint. He loses Bozo points for failing to keep said material off his person. He was arrested when police officers noticed our bozo walking down the street covered in pudding, chocolate sauce and paint.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Wisconsin, where bozo Richard Thomas shoplifted a bottle of whiskey from a liquor store. The clerk was keeping an eye on him and couldn’t believe it when he stopped on his way out to fill out a raffle ticket for a prize the store was giving away. He then dropped the ticket, with his name, address and phone number on it, into the registration box, snatching two more bottles of booze in the process. Armed with the information our bozo had given them, the police made a quick arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Wayne, Indiana, where suspected drug dealer Jermaine Davis led the cops on a 90 MPH chase before he abruptly stopped and pulled into a Taco Bell. He told the cops he knew he was going to jail for a while and he wanted to get one last burrito. Hope he enjoyed it. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 88765: In the Bozo World, if at first you don’t succeed, it’s best not to try, try again. From Tulsa, Oklahoma, comes the story of bozo Walter Hayes who tried to break into a local pharmacy. He failed in his effort to get inside, but he did succeed in setting off the burglar alarm. The cops arrived on the scene to find he had already left. They were still investigating when who should return for a second try, with additional tools, but our bozo. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Louisiana, where bozo Clifton Walls made a number of mistakes. First, he tried to purchase 50 cell phones using a phony cashier’s check, with the word "cashier" misspelled. And, he gave the company the wrong address for delivery of the phones. Boy, did he ever give them the wrong address. The phones were supposed to be shipped to 300 Washington Street in Monroe, which happens to be the local FBI office. Oops. He was arrested when he tried to wave down the delivery truck driver as he approached the FBI building.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Haig for sending in today’s report. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, comes the story of Bozo Criminal and part-time computer repairman Kevin Lancaster. Our bozo broke into a local realty office and stole a computer hard drive and a digital camera. He had repaired computers for the company in the past and they called him after the theft to ask for help. He told the owner he could repair the computer and even retrieve the files from the missing hard drive. This sounded fishy, so the owner called the cops. After some investigation, they found that our bozo’s car, with his computer repair company sticker on the door, was seen parked in front of the realty office on the night of the theft. He was busted after they found him in possession of the missing hard drive and camera.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California, where bozo Michael Bain did his time in jail on drug possession charges. When he left, he stole a jail issued T-shirt with the word "Prisoner" on the back. Then, a couple of days later he was involved in a traffic accident while riding his bicycle. He wasn’t injured but the investigating officer noticed the unique shirt he was wearing. He ran a check and discovered it was the shirt he had stolen from jail. Oops. He’s back in jail, this time on charges of receiving stolen property.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where brothers Kendrick and Marquise Parker were spotted in a truck that had been reported stolen. When the officer pulled them over, our bozos jumped out and ran into a nearby office building. It was there they picked out their Bozo Hiding Place…a stall in the women’s restroom. They even used falsetto voices to answer when the officers asked if there was anyone in there. Didn’t work. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southold, New York, where bozo Pablo Gomez walked up to a police car at 3 AM and asked the officer if he could drive him back home to Guatemala. When the officer pointed out that 2000 miles was a little too far for a leisurely drive, our bozo became upset and started yelling at the officer. He won’t be going home fr a while. He was arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct.