Yearly Archives: 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Carran for sending in today’s report from Juneau, Alaska, where bozo Timothy Morton went to the Alaska State Trooper’s office to obtain a copy of his criminal background. An officer gave him the information and then watched as our bozo got into his car and started to drive away. He didn’t get out of the parking lot, however. While getting his records, the officer noticed our bozo had a suspended drivers license. Oops. He was also charged with not having insurance.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brownsville, Texas, where bozo Anthony Cavazos may have been trying to pick up a little extra money for Christmas. It was what he was selling that was the problem. Marijuana. And how he was selling it. Door-to-door. His little money raising endeavor came to an end when he knocked on the door of an off-duty police officer. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today may have gotten into the holiday spirits a little too early. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. Police were called to a residence on a report of an assault. The woman there told the cops that her boyfriend was upset with her for talking with her mother on the phone for too long. So, he did what any bozo would do this time of the year. He threw a frozen turkey at her. Police found the bird in question on the front porch with apparent damage to the packaging. She was treated for minor injuries and released. He’s under arrest. No word on the condition of the turkey.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redding, California, where police were searching for a man wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt in connection with an armed robbery. Bozo Russell Sorrels was listening to the report on his police scanner and decided it might be fun to dress up like the fugitive and see if anyone would notice him. Bad idea. Police spotted him walking around the neighborhood and placed him under arrest. After determining that he was not the fugitive, they simply changed the charges against him…to obstructing and delaying a police officer. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where police were called to a report of an assault. When they arrived, they heard a man screaming for help. What they found surprised even the cops. A man dressed in black, impaled on a 5-foot tall fence. It was after the officers carefully removed him that he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them he was a ninja and had misjudged his jump when trying to clear the fence. Officers believe "alcohol played a role" in the incident.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Ambridge, Pennsylvania. An unidentified bozo and his girlfriend were trying to steal valuable copper pipes from inside a vacant apartment building. Unfortunately for them, they failed to check to see if the water had been turned off in the building before trying to cut into the pipes. Police responding to an alarm found a water pipe spewing water and our two soaked bozos standing in the alley behind the building. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Bozo Joshua Brown called 911 early Wednesday morning. Perhaps he had seen a crime in progress? Nope. Maybe he had been injured in an accident? Uh, no. Maybe he needed to report some sort of an emergency? Well, maybe. He asked the operator what she was wearing and then followed up by asking her if she had a nice behind. And after a bit of heavy breathing, he asked if she’d come over and pay him a little visit. Since she was busy, she sent some police officers to visit him. Probably wasn’t the type of visit he was hoping for. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabethton, Tennessee, where someone called the cops after seeing bozo Velma Norris slumped over the wheel of her car in a grocery store parking lot. Before the police could arrive, our bozo left and pulled into a space at the Sonic Drive-In next door, where she again slumped forward over the steering wheel. When an officer arrived and walked up to the vehicle, our bozo woke up and tried to give the officer $20 for the meal she thought she had just ordered at Sonic. After repeatedly trying to convince her she was not a Sonic waitress, the officer finally gave up and placed our bozo under arrest for DUI.

A couple of sure signs the holidays aren’t far off: Decorations are up in the stores, and we have our first report of a bozo stuck in a chimney. From Topeka, Kansas, comes the story of bozo Jose Rios who attempted to burglarize a tobacco shop by entering Santa-style through the chimney. He quickly learned it’s not as easy as Santa makes it look when he became stuck. After about four hours he was able to maneuver himself into a position where he could reach his cell phone, which he used to call his daughter, who notified the police. Cops first rescued, and then arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our hometown of Tyler, Texas, where police officers responded to a 911 call where the person on the other end of the line said he had just committed a murder. When the officers arrived on what they thought would be the crime scene, they found only our bozo, a little scratched up but otherwise OK. He told them that he had been assaulted earlier in the day and decided to make up the murder story in order to get them to respond faster. Bad idea. He’s been arrested and charged with making a false report.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where bozo Craig Dixon was under house arrest for a parole violation. Officers checking on him discovered a tube of aluminum foil burnt on one end and a teaspoon with burns and possible drug residue. It was when he was confronted with this evidence that our bozo came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops that Jesus Christ was the owner of the items and that, in his opinion, He was trying to set him up for the crime. Our bozo has been charged with drug possession. Police say Jesus is not expected to be called to testify.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where the cops were looking for bozo Matthew Morton, who was wanted on burglary charges. The local newspaper helped out by running a photo of him. It seems it was not a particularly flattering shot, so unflattering, in fact, that it prompted our bozo to send the paper a better shot of himself, this one taken standing in front of a police vehicle. Probably not the best idea. The cops say it was such a good photo that now everyone in town will know what he looks like. They expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0098767: After committing a crime, it’s usually a good idea to keep a low profile. From St. Paul, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo Frazier Tucker who robbed a bank, getting away with about $600. Instead of heading home, he headed straight to a golf course about a mile away. Officers noticed a van matching the getaway vehicle’s description in the golf course parking lot and when they found our bozo, they discovered the loot inside a zippered pocket in his golf bag. He’s under arrest.

Halloween falling on a Saturday this year obviously gave our bozos a reason to celebrate and here’s another example. From Decatur, Alabama, comes the story of bozo Robert Payne who was pulled over by the cops on Halloween night after they noticed him driving erratically. He stumbled out of the driver’s seat and shouted to the officer "I just stole this truck." A quick check of records proved he wasn’t kidding. He’s been charged with theft and DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Simi Valley, California where our unidentified bozo installed a small video camera in the restroom of the Christian book store where he worked. He was arrested after one of the customers spotted the camera and informed her husband who called the cops. The police might not have been able to prove who installed the camera except for one small thing. Our bozo had the recorder going when he positioned it in the stall. Yep, he basically busted himself.

Another example of someone having too much fun on Halloween this morning. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from Oxford, Ohio. Bozo James Moss was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunken driving. And while he was indeed intoxicated, it was his Halloween costume that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was dressed as…a Breathalyzer. He failed his own test.

Bozo criminals for today come from Scituate, Rhode Island, where a couple of bozos apparently celebrated Halloween a little early by egging a couple of houses. Investigating officers noticed our bozos had left behind four egg cartons at the scene of the crime. They then contacted the egg producers and, using the UPC codes on the cartons, were able to pinpoint the exact store that had sold the eggs. Then, checking the store’s computers, they were able to determine the approximate time the eggs had been purchased. Surveillance videos were then checked, and, wouldn’t you know it, the face of one of our eggers was caught on camera. The photos were then circulated around the local high school and our bozos were recognized and charged with vandalism.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Michael Coates who at least gets credit for being truthful. Our bozo was playing video poker when he reached into the purse of the woman seated next to him and snatched her wallet. After a brief scuffle, he ran out the door where he was quickly apprehended by the cops. It was the reason he gave for committing the crime that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police that he did the deed out of "stupidity." No argument there.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 57474: Make sure your disguise is removable. From Carroll, Iowa, comes the story of two unidentified bozos who attempted to break into an apartment before being frightened off by the manager. In describing them to the cops, the manager said that had a dark substance applied to their faces. A short time later, the cops pulled over a car matching the description of the getaway vehicle and inside were our two bozos, with their faces still painted black. And why hadn’t they removed their "disguises"? Because they had used permanent markers to darken their faces. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where our bozo made a number of mistakes. First, it’s probably not the best idea to go for a drive while wearing a clown suit. And it’s certainly a bad idea to drive on the wrong side of the road. And finally, it’s definitely bad when you crash into another vehicle. And that’s just what happened to bozo Richard Parker. One more thing, that vehicle he crashed into? It was a police cruiser, with its emergency lights turned on in an effort to warn our bozo he was going the wrong way. He wasn’t injured in the crash, but he was charged with DUI.