Yearly Archives: 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 34076: When carrying illegal items in your vehicle, it’s best to try to avoid obvious traffic violations. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Sharon Hill who double-parked her car without using her emergency flashers early the other morning. An officer noticed and, as he approached, her male companion jumped from the car and ran, never a good sign. It was soon obvious why he wanted to run. Inside the car was 60 pounds of marijuana. She’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Niagara Falls, Canada. Bozo Mark Painter, from the USA and his girlfriend, Linda Slater, a British citizen, wanted to come to the United States, but Linda was denied entry. They hatched a bozo scheme to get her into the country. The Niagara River was frozen, so she walked across the border on the frozen river to where Mark was waiting for her, on top of the bridge. But the walls of the Niagara gorge were too steep and icy for her to climb, so our bozo climbed down to help her. But he couldn’t climb back up, either. They were stuck there until the cops noticed and rescued them. She did get into the U.S., but for now her residence is in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Alex Moreno called 911 to report that two men with guns were watching him and that he feared for his life. When he abruptly hung up, the 911 operator called back only to be told by our bozo to "hold on a minute." And since he didn’t bother to use the Hold button, the operator could hear what was going on while he was holding on. Our bozo was making a drug deal, selling a bundle of heroin. The operator called the cops who stopped by and, finding our bozo in possession of heroin, placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cheboygan, Michigan, where bozo Howard Keller got lost while hunting and called 911 for help. Police and a Coast Guard helicopter braved high winds and blowing snow to locate him. But our story doesn’t have such a happy ending, at least not for our bozo. After he was rescued, it was discovered he was a convicted felon with outstanding warrants. And did we mention he was prohibited from carrying a weapon, even on a hunting trip? He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Everett, Washington, where bozo Robert Green was trying to make a drug deal from a restroom stall. Only problem, the stall was in the police station restroom. An officer heard what was going on and nabbed our bozo who told the cops he thought he was in a probation office rather than the police station. He wasn’t, and he’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wellington, New Zealand, where bozos Regan Rhodes and Tiranara Hale were being led back to their jail cells after a court appearance when they decided to make a run for it. Deputies tried to spray them with pepper spray but they quickly recovered and ran out of the courthouse. Unfortunately, they forgot that they were handcuffed together and, in a scene right of the Three Stooges, one went on one side of a lamppost and the other went on the opposite side. Officers helped them to their feet and escorted them back to their cells.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wellington, New Zealand, where bozos Regan Rhodes and Tiranara Hale were being led back to their jail cells after a court appearance when they decided to make a run for it. Deputies tried to spray them with pepper spray but they quickly recovered and ran out of the courthouse. Unfortunately, they forgot that they were handcuffed together and, in a scene right of the Three Stooges, one went on one side of a lamppost and the other went on the opposite side. Officers helped them to their feet and escorted them back to their cells.

Bozo criminal for today forgot the old adage about not going to the well, or in this case, the bank, too often. From Svendborg, Denmark, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stopped by her local bank and managed to exchange two 2000 Kroner notes from the Swedish version of Monopoly for 1400 Danish Kroner, or about $240. Obviously emboldened by her success, she returned to the same bank the next day with an additional 8000 Kroners in Monopoly money. Bad idea. The staff was on the lookout for her this time and called the cops. She’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newcastle, Australia, where it’s currently summertime, a fact that may have escaped our bozo. Charles Wayne broke into a residence and when he heard the homeowners return home, he climbed up into the hot attic to hide. After two hours, with the hot sun beating down on the tin roof, our bozo passed out and fell through the ceiling onto the hardwood floor of the living room, right in front of the shocked homeowners. He staggerd out into the backyard before collapsing. The cops were called and they took our bozo to the hospital for treatment of a broken wrist before charging him with breaking and entering…or maybe breaking and exiting.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Garstin for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, comes the story of bozo Joseph Long whose mom must not have taught him that spiting is a nasty habit. A police officer walking the beat in Calgary noticed our bozo spit on the sidewalk and he approached him to remind him that there’s an ordinance prohibiting that in Calgary. It was then that our bozo started acting very strangely; he was evasive about giving his name and was very fidgety. When the officer finally did get his name, he discovered why he was so nervous. He had much more than a spitting charge to worry about. He was wanted on a homicide charge. Should have swallowed. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vladeni, Romania, where bozo Petru Susanu had been on the run from the cops on robbery charges for almost four years. With his mother’s help, he had fashioned himself a comfy hideaway underneath the floorboards of her house. Things were going well until he started sending his mom out to buy him cigarettes and beer, at the same store he used to rob. The shopkeeper knew she didn’t drink or smoke and when he noticed she was buying the same brand of cigarettes he used to steal, a light went off in his head. He called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today proves that bozos do not necessarily produce bozo offspring. From Port Pierce, Florida, comes the story of bozo Tessa Clayborn who was wanted on charges of assault, harassing phone calls and carrying a weapon without a permit. When the cops arrived at her home the two men there told the cops that she was not at home. They were just about to leave when a little four year old girl approached one of them and told them that a woman was hiding under the bed. Our bozo was busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Bozo Leroy Cook was a "mule" for cocaine dealers…he would sneak the drugs across the border for them. On one of his trips he stashed 31 kilos of cocaine, intending to go back for it. One small problem: He forgot where he hid it. So, he kept searching until he found it, right? Wrong. Maybe he called the dope dealers and asked for help in finding their drugs? No way. Instead our bozo called the U.S. Customs Officers and told them what had happened. They were more than happy to help him find his stash. And they were even happier to bust him after they found it.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Amsterdam, New York, comes the story of bozo Walter Tarver who returned to the local supermarket claiming that the lobster he had purchased there was bad. And since he brought the lobster back with him, he was able to obtain a bag of crab legs in exchange for the lobster. He had already left the store when employees noticed the supposedly bad lobster was nothing but shell. Our bozo had carefully removed all the meat from the crustacean and had eaten it before doing the Humpty Dumpty thing and putting the lobster back together again and returning it. The cops were called and by the time they arrived at our bozo’s house, he had already eaten the crab legs, too. Our well-fed bozo is now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Warsaw, Poland, where an unidentified bozo had robbed a cosmetics shop. He made it back home but got tipped off that the cops were coming to his aunt’s apartment, where he was staying, to look for him. It was then that he came up with our Bozo Hiding Place of the Year. He rolled himself up in a large Persian carpet, propping himself up against a balcony wall. The cops searched the place for two hours without finding him. Then, one of the cops went out on the balcony for a smoke. And that’s when he noticed that rolled up carpet was trembling. Our bozo was unrolled and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Jeff Franklin who snatched a woman’s purse in front of a clothing store, getting away with her money but not escaping the video surveillance cameras in front of the store. The cops knew just what our bozo looked like and were surprised when he showed up at the station house the next day to inquire about the arrest of his girlfriend on unrelated charges. Guess he didn’t realize what a big star he’d become. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Walnut Ridge, Arkansas, where bozo Robert Lasater thought he’d found the ideal place to set up his methamphetamine lab…in the basement of the local funeral home. Which might have been an OK idea except for one thing: The funeral home is across the street from the police station. Officers there noticed the lights on in the home after hours and walked over to check things out. The front door was unlocked and they walked right into his lab. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas, where bozo James Farmer was on trial on drug possession charges. He got a little nervous when he heard the prosecutor ask for life in prison during his closing arguments. During a break, he ran out of the courthouse and didn’t come back. Bad idea. When the trial resumed, the jury announced their decision: A $1000 fine and six years probation. Of course that was before they discovered he had fled. He now faces felony charges of evading arrest. Oops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Nova Varos, Serbia, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into the local bank wearing a ski mask and pointed a shotgun at the teller, demanding cash. He got away with quite a bit, around $60,000, but he didn’t stay away for long. He removed the ski mask and returned to the bank a few minutes later to use some of the cash he had just stolen to pay off an overdraft charge he had on his checking account. Several employees recognized him, even without the mask, and called the cops. He was arrested before he even got his overdraft problems straightened out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Council Bluffs, Iowa, where an unidentified bozo walked into a cell phone store and demanded cash from the clerk. When she was only able to give him a few dollars, he became frustrated and whipped out a can of pepper spray, which he then proceeded to spray in his own face. Police are looking for a very bleary eyed bozo.