Monthly Archives: October 2009

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Michael Coates who at least gets credit for being truthful. Our bozo was playing video poker when he reached into the purse of the woman seated next to him and snatched her wallet. After a brief scuffle, he ran out the door where he was quickly apprehended by the cops. It was the reason he gave for committing the crime that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police that he did the deed out of "stupidity." No argument there.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 57474: Make sure your disguise is removable. From Carroll, Iowa, comes the story of two unidentified bozos who attempted to break into an apartment before being frightened off by the manager. In describing them to the cops, the manager said that had a dark substance applied to their faces. A short time later, the cops pulled over a car matching the description of the getaway vehicle and inside were our two bozos, with their faces still painted black. And why hadn’t they removed their "disguises"? Because they had used permanent markers to darken their faces. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where our bozo made a number of mistakes. First, it’s probably not the best idea to go for a drive while wearing a clown suit. And it’s certainly a bad idea to drive on the wrong side of the road. And finally, it’s definitely bad when you crash into another vehicle. And that’s just what happened to bozo Richard Parker. One more thing, that vehicle he crashed into? It was a police cruiser, with its emergency lights turned on in an effort to warn our bozo he was going the wrong way. He wasn’t injured in the crash, but he was charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from Paterson, New Jersey, where three bozos broke into a residence and demanded money from the homeowner. They quickly discovered they had broken into the wrong house when the homeowner fought back, stabbing one of our bozos with a pair of scissors. Seeing the error of their ways, our bozos fled with only a piggy bank containing $2 in change. But it was what they left behind that would cause them problems. Their car keys. Police found the keys and used the car’s alarm to locate the vehicle in a nearby parking lot. The information on the registration led them to one bozo’s home, where they found our three bozos sitting in a taxi in front of the house. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Las Vegas, Nevada. A deputy city marshal was investigating a report of an injured man in downtown Las Vegas when he noticed his squad car was missing. He was checking the alley to see if someone had moved it when he noticed a police car approaching with its emergency lights on. And behind the wheel of the vehicle was none other than our bozo, who had taken the marshal’s car for a spin and then returned to the scene of the crime. It was what he asked the officer when he arrived that placed him into the Bozo Hall of Fame. He said, "I’m here. Do you need back-up?" The officer needed no help in placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 84844: To be a successful bozo, you’ve gotta be able to multitask. From Monroe County, Pennsylvania comes the story of an unidentified bozo, armed with a handgun, who burst into the local McDonalds and demanded cash. The manager emptied the safe and handed the money to our bozo, who then placed the gun on the counter so he could count his cash. Bad idea. The manager grabbed the weapon and hit our bozo over the head with it. He made a hasty exit, leaving the money behind.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s story. From Cleveland, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Grier who was upset that his new iPhone was not working. He was so mad that he stormed into the local Apple store, placed his iPhone on the counter and began shouting at employees. But he didn’t stop there. He then pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot the phone, to put both it and himself out of their misery. Employees were able to keep him distracted for a few minutes until the police arrived. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 112354: It’s best not to stop off for a quick bit of thievery when you’re on the way to the police station. From the International File in Berlin, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was due at the police station to be questioned about a recent robbery. As he was heading in, he made a quick stop and held up a supermarket. As luck would have it, he was at the station house when the officers who had been called to the supermarket robbery returned, with a detailed description of the thief. They noticed our bozo in the reception area, recognized him and placed him under arrest.

One thing is for sure, our bozo for today won’t be appearing on Top Chef anytime soon. From Boca Raton, Florida, comes the story of bozo chef Mark Correa who was a little stressed out during the lunchtime rush the other day when customers kept ordering the Caprese salad, a popular item made of fresh mozzarella and tomatoes topped with olive oil and basil. So, he did what any chef would do, he told the servers the item was sold out, right? Wrong. Instead, he took the bozo approach. He reached into his chef’s jacket, pulled out a handgun and told the waitress, "I swear to God, I’ll shoot you in the forehead if you bring me one more order of that salad." The police didn’t think he was kidding. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lebanon, Pennsylvania, where bozo Cesar Gomez walked out of a convenience store restroom intently examining the band of his ball cap, which he held in his hand. A police officer who happened to be in the store at the time walked up to our bozo, removed something from his forehead and said, "Is this what you’re looking for?" It seems our bozo had hidden a baggie of marijuana in the band of his cap and when he had removed the cap, the baggie of pot had stuck to his forehead. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Cartersville, Alabama, where a father and son bozo team burglarized a house. They rummaged around for awhile and left with car keys, medication, about $200 in cash and $100 in jewelry. Well, at least dad left. His 19-year-old son, frightened when the homeowner awoke, hid under a bed, where he promptly fell asleep. He was discovered, still sleeping soundly, a short time later and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where bozo Robert Perkins broke into a residence and tried to rob the homeowner at gunpoint but fled when the man told him he had no cash. One small problem…in his haste to get away, our bozo left his wallet behind. He called the man a short time later, identified himself, explained what had happened, and asked the man to please drop the wallet off at a nearby service station. Unfortunately, the police were there at the time, interviewing the victim. They met him at the service station and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bremen, Germany, where our unidentified bozo was kicked off a train for not having a ticket. To show his displeasure, our bozo dropped his pants and attempted to moon all the passengers as the train passed by. Unfortunately, he positioned himself a little too close to the tracks and the moving train snagged his trousers and drug him and his bare backside along the tracks for about 200 yards. Somehow, our bozo managed to keep himself from falling under the wheels and suffered only minor cuts and bruises. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Justin Jackson for sending in today’s report. From South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Matt Mitchell who was ejected from a Phillies game for "unruly behavior." Instead of leaving the park, however, he headed for the stadium office where he filled out a job application. As he started to leave, he grabbed a manila envelope off the reception desk. He must have thought he hit the jackpot, as the envelope contained three World Series rings that were to be given to Phillies employees. He didn’t get to enjoy them very long, however. Cops simply went to the address on his job application and placed him under arrest.

We’re not exactly sure who should qualify as the bozo for today, the truck driver, the cop who wrote him the ticket or the Canadian lawmakers who came up with the idea in the first place. From Toronto, Canada, comes the story of an unidentified truck driver who was pulled over after an officer noticed him smoking a cigarette in his truck. Citing a new law that prohibits smoking in the workplace, the officer wrote him up, claiming that his truck was his office. The trucker paid the $290 ticket but plans to appeal.

Bozo criminal for today from New York City made a couple of basic mistakes. First, he robbed a church, twice, getting away with $20,000 in food, supplies and computers. Police were able to get a DNA match from the crime scene, and wanted posters were put up at the church. Guess our bozo wasn’t aware of that when he made his second mistake. He returned to the church and was first in line for a food giveaway last Saturday. Church workers immediately recognized our bozo from the wanted posters, and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where two bozos picked out a couple of ladies that they thought would be easy targets for a mugging. We don’t know if our bozos’ vision was blurred by the excessive amount of alcohol they had consumed or if the ladies’ costumes were just really good…either way the bozos didn’t notice that the ladies were, ahem, men. Big burly men. Professional cage fighters that were dressed in costume for a stag party. A couple of punches from the "ladies" quickly ended our bozos’ attempted mugging.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elmwood, Ohio, where bozo Robert Presswood broke into an office by kicking down the door. He then rummaged around, taking several items worth about $1000 before wiping his fingerprints off the doorknob and leaving. So far, so good, right? Well, not exactly. The office he had broken into was the office of the Chief of Police inside the city police station. Video cameras caught his every move and he was quickly placed under arrest.

There have been numerous stories in the news recently about the lack of effort many schools now put into teaching their students proper penmanship. It would seem that trend has now trickled down to our bozos. From Hillsboro, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Stephanie Matthews who walked into a bank and handed the teller a note apparently demanding cash. We say apparently, because our bozos handwriting was so poor the clerk couldn’t read it. When she handed the note back to her, our bozo then went to a nearby counter to rewrite the note. While she was working on it, the clerk hit a silent alarm, the cops were summoned and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from The Woodlands, Texas, where bozo Arthur Sorrels was going door to door looking for work and passing out his business cards. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, at one of the houses, after he had handed the homeowner a card, he forced his way inside and threatened the woman. She screamed and struggled, frightening off our bozo. The police had no trouble tracking him down, however…they just had to call the number on our bozo’s business card. He’s under arrest.