Monthly Archives: September 2009

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 99909: A kid on a tricycle always has the right of way. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of bozo in-line skater Chris Kelley who confronted a 4 year-old on a tricycle because the kid was on a bicycle path. When the child’s father came to his son’s defense, our bozo skater threatened the man, skating at him and tossing his helmet and water bottle in his direction. Bad idea. The cops were called and the verdict was issued: The path is for everyone, not just skaters. He’s facing assault charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Surgoinsville, Tennessee where several local churches had been burglarized in recent weeks. An officer noticed a suspicious vehicle near a church and pulled over our two teenage bozos, who were later charged with 26 church break-ins. It was when the officer noticed beer in their vehicle that they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told him the beer didn’t belong to them. They went on to say that they had found the beer along the side of the road and were going to pour it out. Excuse denied.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Minnesota, where an unidentified bozo burst into a convenience store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk handed over a small amount of money and then our bozo ordered her to turn over the lottery tickets that he saw in a bag behind the register. The clerk complied and our bozo fled. Unfortunately for him, the bag of lottery tickets he asked for were old ones that had been discarded because they weren’t winners. Oops. Police are looking for him.

Once again this morning we take a break from our usual litany of bozo criminals and check a little bozo activity going on with our friends on the right side of the law. From San Joaquin County, California, comes the story of the sheriff’s department and their plans to purchase a half a million-dollar vehicle to coordinate emergency responses in natural disasters and in pursuit of criminals. The big rig was purchased and custom built in Ohio and driven to California where it was to be put into service. Only one problem…apparently no one in the sheriff’s department bothered to check California highway department statutes that prohibit such a heavy vehicle being driven on state roadways. Oops. Cost estimate to make it street legal in California: $19,000.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Belleville, Illinois, where bozo Donald Autry was rummaging around in a garage when the homeowner surprised him. He fled the scene, taking a chainsaw with him. Investigating officers checking the area came upon a hitchhiker…carrying a chainsaw. (Anyone who would pick up a hitchhiker carrying a chain saw is a bozo of a whole other sort.) Our bozo surrendered to the officers and asked if they were going to take him home. They did. To his new home in the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today proves Bozo Rule Number 832226: Forgive and forget doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From Boston, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Juan Carrera who got into an argument with an employee at a gas station and threatened him with a knife. Our bozo fled the scene but returned twenty minutes later to apologize. The employee was in no mood for reconciliation and called the cops when he saw him pull up. He was arrested and charged with assault.

We have no criminals in today’s report, but there are at least a couple of bozos. In Montrose, Michigan, a school lunch lady noticed a couple of men putting on ski masks prior to entering the school. Fearing the worst, she reported what she saw to authorities and the school was sent into lockdown, with 180 students evacuated into the gym. Upon further investigation, it was discovered the masked marauders were actually the city police chief and one of his deputies who were at the school to take part in a mock robbery for the school’s forensic science class. The chief says from now on, he’ll change into his thief outfit after he’s inside the school.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Indiana, where bozo Michael Lawson wanted to get a permit to carry a handgun. So he went down to the police station to fill out the application. While he was working on the paperwork, one of the officers noticed a familiar odor wafting from our bozo. The scent of marijuana. The officer patted him down and discovered the weed. He also discovered he had brought along something else…a concealed handgun. Oops. He’s been charged with drug possession and carrying a handgun without a license. The officer was kind enough to refund the $50 application fee for the handgun before placing him under arrest.

Another example today that Bozos and Modern Technology just don’t mix. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Martinsburg, West Virginia, comes the story of bozo Jonathan Perry who broke into a residence and stole two diamond rings valued at over $3500. He would have made a clean getaway except for one thing. Before he left, he decided to sit down at the homeowner’s computer and check his Facebook page. And he left his Facebook account open when he left. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 64838: Even when you think you don’t have anything to hide, you should hide something. From Ocala, Florida, comes the story of bozo Dante Kindle who decided to go for a little ride on his motorcycle. One problem, he decided to take the ride totally naked. A police officer spotted him and pulled him over. He was charged with DUI and indecent exposure. He told the officer the last thing he remembered was going to a Hooters restaurant.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabethton, Tennessee, where a deputy sheriff went to a residence in response to a domestic disturbance charge. Somehow, the address got messed up and the deputy knocked on the wrong door. Bozo Charles Maines answered the door and, upon seeing the deputy, immediately put his hands behind his back and told the officer to handcuff him, that he was ready to go to jail. It seems the officer had accidentally found our bozo, who was wanted for probation violations. He’s under arrest. No word on whether the neighbors who were causing a disturbance were ever found.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Knoxville, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo John Chambers who broke into a residence and took pictures of the home’s furnace. He then posted those pictures on Craig’s list and offered the furnace for sale. Unfortunately for him, the homeowner happened to see the pictures on the website and recognized his furnace. He called the cops who set up a purchase with our bozo. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the K-9 Division. From the International File in Darwin, Australia, comes the story of an unidentified dog who had been tied to a fence while his elderly owner went inside to purchase some items from the local market. Two city traffic wardens came by and noticed the dog in front of the store. One of the officers whipped out his ticket book and wrote the dog a citation for being "illegally parked." The officer taped the ticket to the dog’s leash and went on his way. The dog is planning to appeal.

General Motors is offering a money-back guarantee on some of its cars. Our bozo for today from West Olive, Michigan, found out the hard way that guarantee doesn’t apply to stolen vehicles. Bozo Paul Haley stole an SUV from a residence, drove it around for awhile and then decided it wasn’t what he was looking for and tried to return it. Unfortunately, police officers were still on the scene investigating when he tried to bring it back. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file in Columbus, Ohio. Bozo Stephfon Barker and two friends robbed a couple in front of their home late Sunday night, getting away with a small amount of cash. Guess Bozo Stephfon was looking for more than money, as he returned to the home two hours later to ask the victim out on a date. Bad idea. She immediately recognized him as one of the robbers and stalled for time while a relative called 911. He was arrested in front of the home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where two bozos decided to steal some limestone landscaping rocks. Their first mistake was loading the rocks into a Ford Explorer that was not equipped to handle such a heavy load. Their second mistake was in parking the Explorer on a riverbank while they loaded the rock. You can guess what happened next. The load shifted in the truck and it slid backwards into the river, where it promptly sank. Oops. An address found inside the truck led the cops to our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where police arrived at the home of bozo Jon Berry with a warrant for his arrest on theft charges. And they couldn’t have stopped by at a more inopportune time. As they drove up, they saw our bozo standing in the yard with a shovel in one hand and a freshly dug up marijuana plant in the other. Guess it was harvest season. He’s had drug possession charges added to his list of woes.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where bozo Anthony Moore robbed a bank, but not for the usual reasons. After threatening the teller with a BB gun, he then asked for money to call the cops to come and arrest him. When the police arrived, he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He said he held up the bank because he wanted to be put into jail to get away from his overbearing wife. The cops gave him his wish.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Canine Division. In Hope Mills, North Carolina, police officers were called to a residential neighborhood to investigate complaints about a dog that was causing problems. While the officers were talking to one of the residents, the dog in question literally attacked the patrol car. The pit bull bit each of the car’s tires, deflating them all. The dog’s owner will be billed $500 for a new set of tires, and has been ordered to keep Fido on a leash.