Yearly Archives: 2008

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Nashua, New Hampshire. Bozo Christopher Dubois violated Bozo Rule Number 67656: Know when to leave well enough alone. The cops were called to our bozo’s house on a minor disturbance call. They would probably have let him off with just a warning but he became belligerent and was taken to jail on charges of resisting arrest. He would probably have been released after cooling his heels for a while, but he just couldn’t resist tampering with the jail cell’s sprinkler system, which he set off. That offense carries a maximum sentence of seven years in jail. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleston, West Virginia, where bozo Paul Payton walked into the local video store, showed the clerk his weapon and demanded he empty the register. The clerk simply looked at the weapon and laughed. Our bozo had placed an empty Jell-o Cheesecake box on the counter, claiming it was a bomb. Which might have worked except that the box was open, obviously empty, and had no wires or anything attached. His next Jell-o will come from the jail cafeteria.

Today we have a seldom seen Double Bozo story for you. From Salinas, California, comes the story of bozo Edward Barber who stole a Chevy Silverado pickup the other night. He had stopped at a convenience store to get a snack when bozo Duane Taylor hopped in, flashed a gun, and demanded that he start driving. They didn’t get very far befoe the gas drinking truck ran out of fuel. Our bozo carjacker then demanded that our bozo car thief get out and push. He jumped out and ran off, calling the cops to report a carjacked stolen truck. Police arrested them both.

Bozo criminals for today come from Belle, Missouri. Our gainfully employed bozos worked for the local satellite TV company and one afternoon were sent on a service call to the police chief’s residence. Don’t know if it was because they were nervous about doing an installation at the chief’s house, but they decided to take a little relaxation break before arriving. Probably shouldn’t have done that. The chief immediately recognized the smell of marijuana on our bozos and, while they were working, told one of his deputies to be on the lookout for them when they left. The deputy pulled over Cheech and Chong just two blocks away and found them in possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Williamsburg, Kentucky, where once again the high cost of scrap metal has led to a bozo’s downfall. Four unidentified bozos somehow managed to detach a 20-foot section of railroad track. They then tried to load it onto their truck, but after finding that was easier said than done, they hooked a chain to it and drove off, dragging the big piece of track behind them. Police officers called to the scene simply had to follow the gouge marks in the road to our bozos’ final destination, the local scrap buyer. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Richmond, Kentucky. Bozo Kimberly Cook visited the local JC Penney store and shoplifted a purse. As she headed for the door a security guard who had seen what she had done stopped her. She dropped the purse, took a swing at the guard and fled. Guess she must have really liked that purse, as she had already put her wallet with her ID and all her personal information into it. That was her first mistake. Her second mistake was when she called the store to see if anyone had turned in her lost wallet. They told her it had been given to the police. She was arrested when she went to the station house to claim it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dillon, South Carolina, where bozo Gibson Carver broke into the County Landfill, with the intention of stealing scrap copper. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he assumed the copper was underneath a large dumpster filled with trash. So, he slithered underneath it to take a look. Don’t know if he found anything, but he did succeed in getting himself stuck, with his head and upper torso underneath the smelly dumpster and only his feet sticking out. Emergency workers had to inflate air bags so they could lift the dumpster enough to free and arrest our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bangor, Maine, comes the story of bozo Dawn Perry who was clocked by the cops doing 108 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. This in itself is not bozo worthy. It’s the excuse that she gave the cops that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the officer that she was in a hurry to make a flight at the local airport. Two flaws in her story: Number one, she had no plane tickets. And number two, she was headed in the opposite direction from the airport.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida, where bozo Elio Vargas claimed he was just trying to do a little recycling. The power company had left an aluminum light pole by the side of the road, waiting for clearance to install it on a street corner. Somehow, our bozo managed to pick it up and strap the 40 foot long pole on top of his minivan. Needless to say he attracted a lot of attention on his way to the recycling center, including the cops. They didn’t buy the recycling story and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada, where police were called to the Liquor Barn late one night after a security guard spotted what he thought was a stick poking out of the ceiling of the establishment. Police arrived and discovered our bozo, in the crawlspace above the liquor store, using a two by four with a coat hanger attached to "fish" for bottles of booze in the store below. And fishing had been pretty good that day, as he was able to catch four bottles of booze before the cops caught him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report. From Colchester, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Stephanie Simmons who was arrested for DUI and taken to the station house where she spent the night. When she was released the next morning, she called a friend to come pick her up, right? Nope. Maybe she caught a bus? No. Perhaps a cab? No way. Instead, she spotted an empty police cruiser with the keys in the ignition and simply drove herself home. She’s back under arrest.

Our bozo criminal story for today from Terrell, North Carolina, once again confirms that bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination. The cops caught up with one of two teenagers suspected in a number of burglaries. While they were booking him, he received a text message from his accomplice, asking if he had been caught. The cops texted back, "No" and gave him a location where they could meet up. Instead of meeting his friend, he met up with the cops who placed him under arrest.

The high price of gasoline is putting the squeeze on everyone, including our bozos. From Cookeville, Tennessee, comes the story of three bozos who loaded up their truck with a recliner and several other items they stole from the Goodwill store. They didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before their truck ran out of gas. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sonthofen, Germany, where bozo Birgit Krause stuffed her handbag full of almost $200 worth of cosmetics and left the store without paying, setting off store alarms as she exited. She was able to elude security on the crowded sidewalk, but, unfortunately, she left one very important thing behind when she fled. Her six-year-old daughter, who wondered where mommy went. A social worker swooped up the little girl and took care of her until her father arrived a while later to report her missing. After hearing the story, he told the cops where to find and arrest his wife.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Laura Davidson for sending in today’s report. From Monroe, Washington, comes the story of bozos Allen Payne and Kyle Baxter who broke into a department store and stole a bunch of pillows and several backpacks. And like many of us, our bozos couldn’t wait until they got home to try out the merchandise. Police followed a trail of cardboard and pillows to a secluded area near the store, where they found our bozos sound asleep on their stolen pillows. They’ve been awakened and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Douglas French held up a cell phone store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Guess our bozo didn’t recognize the clerk as someone he had gone to high school with a couple of years earlier, but she certainly remembered him. And, after he had fled the scene, the clerk did two things. First, she called the cops to report the robbery. And second, she called our Bozo’s mother to tell her what her son had done. Don’t know which call got the job done, but he’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Leeds, England, where bozo Andrew King was a crook who was proud of his exploits. A little too proud, as it turns out. Our bozo posted more than 80 of his crimes on You Tube, including videos of him stealing gas, trespassing, taking drugs and driving recklessly. Unfortunately, the videos became so popular that someone at the police station heard about them. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Anaset, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo took $3300 in cash from a bank and then had second thoughts. A couple of days after stealing the money, he mailed it back to the bank with a note apologizing for the theft. Police used fingerprints on the letter to track down our bozo who then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops he never intended to keep the money, he was just checking the bank’s security systems. He’s under arrest.

From South Charleston, West Virginia, comes the story of another bozo who got himself into trouble while seeking relief from the heat. Bozo Karl Stevenson broke into a car and stole 11 cans of cold beer out of an ice chest. Police arrived on the scene quickly and wasted no time in placing our bozo under arrest. All they had to do was follow the trail of water droplets to a home nearby where they found our bozo enjoying his beer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where bozo Victor Mayes had a problem. He had broken into an apartment, getting away with a little cash, but had left his wallet and sunglasses behind. Wanting to retrieve his stuff, he returned to the apartment only to find the tenant had returned home. He knocked on the kitchen window and flashed a wad of bills, telling the homeowner he’d give him his money back in exchange for his wallet. The homeowner told him to wait a minute while he went to look for the wallet, stalling our bozo long enough to call the cops. He then told him he’d return the wallet, but first our bozo would have to slide the bills under the front door. And that’s exactly what he was doing when the police arrived. He’s under arrest.