Yearly Archives: 2008

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Tempe, Arizona, comes the story of bozo Thomas Watkins who was upset when another driver cut him off in traffic. So upset that he reached down and grabbed a gun he was carrying in the car and waved it at the other driver. Satisfied that he had scared the other guy, he was putting the gun away when he accidentally shot himself. And he’s a pretty good shot, too. Police plan on arresting him as soon as he’s released from the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Disgruntled former employee file. From Orland Park, Illinois, comes the story of bozo Silvia Dover who was upset at being fired from her former place of employment so she went back late one night and let herself back in with a key she had kept. Security tapes showed her carrying stuff out of the building for the next couple of hours. Then, the inevitable happened. On one of her trips outside, the door blew shut, locking her purse, car keys and other belongings inside. Oops. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio, where another bozo was foiled by modern technology. Keith Starkey was trying to rob a Wendy’s Restaurant and was having problems because employees couldn’t open the safe, which was on a timer. Already frustrated while waiting for the safe to open, our bozo screamed at one of the employees when her Bluetooth cell phone rang. What he didn’t realize was that his scream had caused the phone to automatically answer, allowing the person on the other end of the line to hear everything that was going on. She quickly figured out the situation and called the cops, who arrived while our bozo was still waiting for the safe to open.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Lakehurst, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Benjamin Green who stepped outside his house to smoke some marijuana. Which might have been OK except for the fact that his back yard faces the police station parking lot, separated only by a chain link fence. An officer heading home noticed the familiar smell wafting into the parking lot, spotted our bozo and busted him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where bozo Michael Kovaks tried to hold up a couple of people outside a video store. His choice of weapon was a bottle of cologne that he had colored black with a magic marker in an effort to make it resemble a gun. In the ensuing scuffle, the bottle broke and our bozo ran away. When the officers arrived on the scene, they didn’t have any trouble tracking him down. They literally just had to follow their noses.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Buffalo, New York, where bozo Bernard Flowers picked the worst possible place to stash his drugs. Police officers were checking out drug activity in our bozo’s neighborhood and he got nervous. They watched as he walked up to a cardboard box and placed a packet containing a white substance into it. And of all the boxes to hide your dope in, our bozo had selected a donut box. Of course the officers had to check out a donut box. And of course he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Benzie County, Michigan, where two unidentified bozos had a plan to rob a local convenience store. All they needed to complete the heist was an accomplice. So, they went to the store and told the clerk the details of their plan and that they’d be back within two hours to pull off the robbery. Only one problem, they failed to confirm that the clerk was on board with the scheme. She wasn’t. Instead of helping our bozos, she called the cops who were waiting for them when they returned with masks and guns. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eric Tuggle for sending in today’s report. From Louisville, Kentucky, comes the story of bozo Allen Watkins who walked into the local bank and told the teller he needed to make a withdrawal. She got some information from him, including his actual Social Security number, before he made it clear he was making a forcible withdrawal, threatening her with a gun. He got away with some cash, but she got away with his Social Security number. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Shad Bickering for sending in today’s report. From Athens, Georgia, comes the story of bozo Demetrius Russell who wanted to hold up a convenience store, but when he got there it was very busy with customers. So, to kill time while the store emptied, he asked for a job application, which he filled out with his real name and turned in to the clerk. He then threatened the clerk with a knife, getting away with a small amount of cash. He may need to update his resume now, as he’s currently residing in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report. From Viera, Florida, comes the story of bozo Heather Anders who was involved in a two-car accident that injured four other people but left her unhurt. When the police arrived on the scene, she jumped from her car, leaving her six year old behind, and tried to climb over a nearby fence. The cops quickly corralled her and, when asked why she tried to flee, she gave an answer that confirmed her status as a bozo. She told the officers she ran because, "That’s what they do on ‘Cops’". If she’s such a big fan of the show, she should also know that someone usually goes to jail. Which she did.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kalispell, Montana, where bozo Shane Rucker flashed a gun and demanded free food from a local taco restaurant. Noting his weapon looked a lot like a BB gun, the clerk refused. Our bozo told him he was serious and this time demanded cash. Again, the clerk refused his demands. Knowing when it was time to quit, our bozo put the gun back into his pocket and ordered a meal for himself, which he paid for. He had just sat down to eat it when the police arrived. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterloo, Iowa, where bozo Cash Brown broke into a Ford Explorer, with plans to steal it. Only one problem, he couldn’t get it to start. Not one to give up easily, he kept trying and trying until finally he ran the battery down. And that’s when his problems really began. The Explorer has a feature that automatically locks the doors whenever the battery goes dead. It worked perfectly, locking our bozo inside. At about this same time, the owner of the Explorer returned, saw our trapped bozo and called the cops. He was still struggling to get out when the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Miller for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Madrid, Spain, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a funeral home. Neighbors noticed something suspicious going on and called the cops. The funeral home’s owner arrived at about the same time the police did and once inside he noticed something strange. In one of the display caskets was our bozo, playing dead and hoping no one would notice. His breathing was a "dead" giveaway. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where bozo Cory Blakely held up a bank, getting away with $3900. To throw the cops off his trail, he peeled off his clothes and left them by a tree near the bank. Unfortunately, he forgot all about his wallet, with his birth certificate and social security card, which he left in his pants pocket. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Bozo Kenneth Curtis made a couple of crucial errors in his attempt to steal some cash. First, his target for mugging was the British Justice Minister, who had her own personal bodyguard with her. When our bozo tried to grab her purse, her bodyguard immediately gave chase. Thinking the best plan was to get out of there as quickly as possible, our bozo jumped on a bus. That was his second big mistake. The bus was full of police officers who where on an exercise to ensure safer neighborhoods. This neighborhood just got safer. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo Frank Sampson was released from county jail after being locked up on a misdemeanor trespassing charge. And it was when he was released that his troubles really began. He immediately ran out to the court parking lot and, apparently wanting to get away from there as quickly as possible, tried to carjack a vehicle by forcing the driver out of the car. It was only once inside that he discovered it was a manual transmission and, you guessed it, he couldn’t drive stick. He was still trying to get it into gear when several officers arrived and escorted him back to jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Vermilion, Ohio where two teenage boys broke into a house with the intention of robbing it. Apparently a barking dog inside the house panicked the teens and they ran away. To try to throw the cops off their trail, they contacted the police to report the break-in. When the officer asked them for a description of the alleged robbers, the two teens gave a perfect description…of themselves. And then one of the cops noticed the teens’ shoes matched muddy footprints outside the house. Busted!

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where Bozo Antonio Lara walked into a muffler shop, waved a gun around and announced a robbery. When he was told the money was locked in a safe and the manager who knew the combination was not there, he came up with the ultimate bozo solution. He gave the store employees his cell phone number and told them to give him a call when the manager arrived. The employees did just that, but before they called him back, they called the cops who arrested him when he arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, where bozo Robert Hayes was just trying to simplify things. He called a convenience store at 2 o’clock in the morning and asked the clerk how much money was in the register. When the clerk told him, he said he had a gun and the clerk should put the money in bag, place it outside the front door and he would be by to pick it up. True to his word, he stopped by a few minutes later and grabbed the sack. Unfortunately for him, the clerk had also called the cops who were nearby waiting for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, Connecticut where bozo Justin Vess was pulled over for speeding and driving erratically by the local cop. This ordinarily would not qualify him as a bozo; it was the excuse he gave the cops that secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the officer the reason he was speeding was that the Oreo cookie he was dunking in his cup of milk had slipped from his fingers and he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of the car. He’s been charged with speeding and driving with a suspended license.