Yearly Archives: 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Milwaukee, Wisconsin comes the story of a bozo who was a little too greedy for his own good. Our bozo rear-ended another car and when the driver stopped, he jumped into the car and forced the man to drive to an ATM machine. After the man withdrew $200 from the machine, our bozo wasn’t satisfied. So, he instructed the man to drive to another ATM. He again withdrew $200, and again our bozo wasn’t satisfied. Under orders to drive to another ATM, the man drove up to a large building and went inside, only this time the man had no intention of drawing out any money. The building was the District 3 Police Station. Our bozo was still waiting for his money when he was arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Lindenhurst, New York where three bozos stole several electronic devices from the public works garage. Thinking they were cell phones, our bozos took them home and turned them on. Bad idea. They weren’t cell phones. They were global positioning devices. And when they turned them on, the GPS units directed the cops straight to their house. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joseph Haig for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Edinburgh, Scotland comes the story of a gang of teenage bozos who went on a rampage at a fast food restaurant, throwing chairs around and terrifying patrons. Apparently, they did this for their own amusement as nothing was stolen from the store and our bozos dispersed just before the cops arrived. They probably would have gotten off scot-free except for one thing. One member of the gang recorded the melee and posted it for everyone to see on the internet. Bad idea. Cops were able to identify and arrest three bozos after viewing the video.

Bozo criminal for today fell victim to seldom used Bozo Rule Number 54876: When you need to capture a bozo, beer is good bait. From New Smyrna Beach, Florida comes the story of two bozos who were spotted attempting to break into a van. When the cops arrived, our bozos fled into the nearby woods. Police were still searching the woods while an eyewitness to the crime was driving down a road not far from the scene. Much to his amazement, he recognized one of our bozos standing on the side of the road. He pulled over and offered him a beer and a lift to the highway. Not wanting to pass up a brewski, our bozo got in. Instead he got a ride back to where the cops were and was promptly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Winnipeg, Canada where bozo Charles White thought he was doing a good deed when he drove his friend down to the police station. When his buddy went inside, our bozo came along to wait for him and that’s when his troubles started. The officer at the desk noticed out bozo reeked of alcohol and demanded he take a breathalyser test. He flunked. Guess his friend had to walk home as our bozo was locked up and charged with DWI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tulse Hill, England where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman’s apartment, cleaning out the place. He took absolutely everything in the flat, right down to her kitchen mop and doormat, leaving only her engagement ring. Police called to investigate noticed a man asleep next door in what used to be a vacant apartment. Only it wasn’t vacant now. Our bozo had moved everything from her apartment into the empty one next door and was now taking a well deserved nap on her couch. His next nap will be in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Brian Valenti was being transported to the county jail when he kicked out the back window of the police car and dove headfirst out of the opening. Even though he was handcuffed, he managed to run away from the vehicle and ducked into a nearby building. Don’t know if he’s really nearsighted or maybe he was just in a hurry, but he apparently didn’t notice the big gold star on the front door of the building. Yep, he ran into the headquarters of the county sheriff’s department where he was promptly placed back under arrest, with the additional charge of attempted escape added to his rap sheet.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sylvia, North Carolina where our bozos made a number of mistakes. First, they chose the police station to rob, a bad idea to begin with. Second, the timing of the heist was bad, immediately after they had attended a birthday party at a nearby restaurant. Third, they failed to wash up after the birthday party and headed over to the police station with frosting on their hands and cake crumbs falling from their clothing. An officer noticed the damaged door to the station house had cake frosting smeared all over it and after doing a little investigating, found someone at the restaurant who could identify our bozos. He caught up with them at their apartment, with the loot scattered around the living room, and with cake and frosting still all over their clothes. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo James Carson was a little hungry, so he headed down to the local convenience store to grab himself a hot dog. Maybe the dogs were a little small or he just had a huge appetite. Either way, he decided to double dog the bun. While fixing the hot dog, he tried to hide a second weenie underneath all the condiments on his bun. Apparently, it wasn’t the first time he had tried this little trick, as the clerk called the cops. When they arrived to talk to him, the officers discovered that he was wanted on a warrant for failure to pay child support. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kevin Davis for sending in today’s report. From Boca Raton, Florida comes the story of bozo Claude Caldwell who stole an SUV. Maybe he should have taken some driving lessons first, as he quickly crashed the vehicle two times, with the second crash disabling the vehicle. Proving that there is honor among thieves, our bozo dialed 911 to report the accident. And he was even nice enough to tell the police that he had stolen the car. He was waiting on the curb to be arrested when the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Nazareth, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Robert Townes who was caught shoplifting several gardening supplies from a local store. The owner called the cops who checked our bozo out and discovered that, in addition to the stolen items, he was carrying a list, titled "Things Needed to Grow Pot." Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Cleveland Heights, Ohio where a mother and son bozo team stole a snake from a pet store. The fifteen year old wrapped a 30 inch baby boa around his neck(probably not the best idea) and hid it with his jacket as they sneaked out. They might have gotten away with it except for one thing…they knew nothing about snakes. So, the next day our bozos returned to the pet store and asked for help finding a book on the care of boa constrictors. Maybe they should have just stolen it, too. The clerk recognized them and stalled until the cops arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kaliningrad, Russia comes the story of a bozo cattle rustler who took a rather unique approach to his crime. He loaded the cattle into a bus and headed out of town. Guess he didn’t think a passenger bus loaded with cattle would attract the attention of the cops. He was wrong. He’s under arrest.

‘Tis the cold and flu season and that may have been what did in our bozo for today. From Sacramento, California comes the story of bozo Sudan Parmalee who walked into a bank and announced that he was there to rob it. Unfortunately, he spoke in a very low voice and with all the nasal congestion he had going on it was difficult to understand him. So, he went to another teller, said he was armed and asked for a tissue. When the teller said she had no Kleenex, our bozo walked over to a nearby pharmacy where we suppose he bought himself some tissues, and maybe some Nyquil. When he returned to the bank a few minutes later, the police were there and immediately placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska, where bozo Kevin Palmer broke into a residence and was in the process of stealing an X-Box, some CDs and several other items when the occupants of the home woke up. And that’s when his problems really began. The homeowners didn’t exactly appreciate him robbing them and they began whaling away on him. Our badly bruised and beaten bozo staggered out of the house and immediately called the cops to report that he’d been beaten up while trying to rob a house. The police had no sympathy. He’s been charged with breaking and entering and possession of marijuana.

One thing we’ve learned over the years…Bozos and snow don’t mix. From Santa Fe, New Mexico, where they had eight inches of snow last week, comes the story of bozo Mark Marretta who stole a laptop from a government building. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to crack the case. The cops simply followed the footprints in the snow, which led them to our bozo who was standing outside his truck, brushing the snow off. Before they even had a chance to ask him, our bozo told them he hadn’t done anything wrong. The officers begged to differ, especially after they found the missing laptop in his apartment. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Chatham, Ontario, Canada comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole several pieces of computer equipment and stuffed it into the trunk of their car. They never made it home to try it out as they were quickly pulled over by an officer who checked the trunk and found the computers along with burglary tools. And just what was it that made the officer suspicious in the first place? The dangling computer mouse that was hanging out of the trunk. Busted!

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where an unidentified bozo from Columbia perhaps misunderstood what "Laundering" means in the drug world. Our bozo showed up at the Orlando International Airport wearing a very heavily starched shirt and equally starched jeans. The jeans were so stiff he had trouble walking. And when he did walk there was a strong smell of vinegar in the air and a trail of white powder fell from his clothes. The clothes had been "starched" with heroin. He’s now wearing unstarched prison black and whites.