Monthly Archives: December 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Fairfield, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Gary Harper who was trying to break into a car at 12:30 the other morning. The pounding coming from the driveway woke up the homeowner who took a look outside and couldn’t believe what he saw. Our bozo, dressed in a full clown suit, complete with a pink and black flowered dress and giant clown shoes, was attempting to break into his car. The homeowner shouted at him and he ran off. The cops were called, and, not surprisingly, they had no trouble catching up to our bozo. It’s tough to run in a dress and clown shoes.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Mary Sparks was doing a little shoplifting at a neighborhood department store, stuffing clothes and other items into a large duffel bag that she had in her shopping cart. Just as she was about to make her getaway she noticed a couple of police officers watching her. Frantically, she started putting items back on the shelf, eventually deciding that it was not worth it and walked out of the store leaving her duffel bag and shopping cart behind. As the cops were going through the bag they found our bozo had also left behind her purse which contained her ID. They called our bozo and told her that some good citizen had found her purse and that she could pick it up at the police station. Like any good bozo she went down to get it and was arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Division. From Waukesha, Wisconsin comes the story of Officer "Nutz", a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team. It seems Officer Nutz escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery store where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 bozo trotted up to the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and headed for the exit. Unfortunately for Officer Nutz, the crime was captured by the store’s security cameras. He’s been placed on administrative leave pending an official investigation.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gene Billings who alerted us to this story from Fort Collins, Colorado. Bozo Nelson Harris threatened to reveal a security flaw in an e-commerce firm’s web site. He demanded thousands in cash, a new Volvo station wagon and two digital audio players as hush money for keeping quiet about the hole in the site. Unfortunately for our bozo, it sounds like he flunked Ransom 101. He gave the company his full name and home address for delivery of the ransom items.

Bozo criminals for today come from Roslindale, Massachusetts, where two bozos broke into a house and stole all the presents underneath the Christmas tree, about $2000 worth. The police were called and when they arrived they noticed something interesting. The homeowner’s tree was a large one, and covered in tinsel. Enough tinsel that our bozos got a lot of the sparkly stuff on them when they crawled under the tree to grab the presents. Officers followed the trail of tinsel to the apartment downstairs where they found our bozos and the stolen presents. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belfast, Northern Ireland, where bozo Anthony Milton’s sweet tooth proved to be his undoing. Our bozo broke into a bakery where he grabbed what cash he could find and, on his way out, picked up an eclair and took a bite out of it, leaving the uneaten half behind. Unfortunately, the store’s security camera recorded the whole thing. And even more unfortunately for him, the cops were able to positively identify him by the DNA that he left behind on the eclair. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 36890: Always lock it and pocket the key. From Stanford, Kentucky comes the story of bozo Jeremiah Tucker who attempted to rob a mobile home by forcing his way through the front door. That’s where his problems began. Once inside, he was confronted by the homeowner, who began wrestling with our bozo. Seeing the error of his ways, our bozo made a hasty retreat for his vehicle, only to find that the homeowner’s girlfriend had gone to the car during the fight and had taken the keys from the ignition. Seeing that he was in more trouble than he could handle, our bozo simply got inside his car and waited for the cops to arrive. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Lewiston, Idaho, violated Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. Bozo Michael Morris had stolen a woman’s wallet off a convenience store counter and his security camera picture had been shown on TV and had been printed in the local newspaper. So, it would follow that if he got a new job it would be an inconspicuous one, right? Wrong. He took a job decorating a Christmas storefront window, a picture of which also ended up in the newspaper. Before the morning presses even stopped rolling, police received the first of hundreds of tips from residents who recognized our bozo. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Maplewood, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo McKenzie Stanger who was arrested by the cops on suspicion of theft of a laptop from an office. They placed her in the back of the squad car and went back into the building to complete their investigation. While they were inside, she somehow managed to get into the front of the squad car and drove away. She was later caught, still in the car, in front of a sandwich shop. But, it was her reason for stealing the squad car that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the officers she took it so she could help the police look for whoever burglarized the building.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hyannis, Massachusetts, where bozo Wilson Parker snatched a woman’s purse as she was coming out of a Christmas tree store. He then made his getaway but didn’t get very far before his truck ran out of gas. Leaving the truck on the side of the raod, our bozo walked to the nearest gas station. And on his way back, he hailed down a police cruiser and asked for a lift back to his truck. Bad idea. The cops had already been alerted to be on the lookout for the truck, and, after seeing the stolen purse on the front seat, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henrietta, New York, where bozo Craig Wilcox had big plans to defraud his insurance company. He drove his car to Jacksonville, Florida and abandoned it in an apartment complex parking lot. He then reported the car as stolen, hoping to collect about $10,000 from his insurance company. His plan might have worked except for a couple of things. When the police located the car, inside they found detailed Mapquest directions from our bozo’s front door to the apartment complex in Florida, plus paperwork detailing his booked airline flight from Florida back to New York. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sarasota, Florida, where bozo Toby Hastings robbed a bank. He only got about half a block before the hidden dye pack exploded. When this happened, he ditched the cash and headed for the hills, right? Wrong. Instead he walked into a nearby salon and said he needed a total makeover…a manicure and a new hairstyle. He didn’t quite get what he wanted. The stylist only had time to complete the manicure on one of his hands before the cops arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coos Bay, Oregon, where bozo Albert Tucker had big plans to rob a tire store. He had hoped to tunnel into the facility and steal a large number of expensive truck tires. The tunnel was completed and our bozo found himself inside the tire storage area, which contained only tires, nothing else, and was not connected to the main store. And that brings us to his problem. The tunnel he dug was big enough for him to crawl through, but was not big enough to get a tire through. Oops. Police used fingerprint evidence to track down our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Laura Davidson for sending in today’s report. From Oregon City, Oregon, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who at least had the Christmas spirit. He knocked on the door of a residence supposedly to ask for directions and when the homeowner opened the door, he pulled out a handgun and demanded cash. The homeowner convinced our bozo that he had no cash or valuables in the home. With that, our bozo apologized and, as he was leaving, wished the homeowner a Merry Christmas. Police are looking for our cheerful suspect.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo Warren Wilhite walked into a convenience store at 3 AM and headed for the snack aisle, where he stuffed eight pickled sausages into his jacket before grabbing two six packs of beer. Seeing that our bozo had already had a few too many, the clerk refused to sell to him and asked him to leave, which he did. Once in the parking lot, our bozo noticed a Krispy Kreme donut truck with the keys in it. The temptation was just too great. He took off in the truck and before long was being chased by the cops. The chase finally ended when our bozo rammed a patrol car and crashed. He was placed under arrest. No word if the cops impounded the donuts.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Augusta, Georgia where bozo Michael Clark tried to return a computer printer to the local Target store. The clerk took a look at it and noticed a piece of paper inside. When he removed it, he discovered printed on the paper were copies of a $20 and a $10 bill. Yep, our bozo was trying to return the printer after using it to print up a batch of counterfeit money. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Missoula, Montana, where bozo Michael Austin allegedly stole some Christmas trees and decorations from the local Christmas store. He then proceeded to put up a couple of the trees in his yard and stacked several wreaths up in the driveway. Which might have been OK except he left the company’s red and yellow sales tags on the trees. And his problems were compounded when the owner of the store drove by our bozo’s house and noticed the trees in the yard. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Klamath County, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Jimmie Carlson who was pulled over by the cops for speeding. The officer noticed that our bozo seemed a little nervous and he started to sweat when the officer asked him about the nicely wrapped Christmas present in his car. When the officer found four weapons inside the car, he decided that Christmas was going to come early this year and had our bozo unwrap the present. Inside the neatly wrapped package: Two pounds of marijuana. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reno, Nevada, where bozo Rudy Arguello tried to rob a motel guest as he was packing luggage into his truck. The first sign he was in trouble was when the victim fought back, grabbing our bozo’s gun and firing it into the air. Thinking it might be a good idea to get out of there, our bozo fled, but was quickly spotted by a police officer. In an effort to lose the cop, he ducked into a building where he promptly ran onto a freshly poured concrete floor. He was pulled out before he got stuck and placed under arrest.