Monthly Archives: June 2007

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Hilton Head Island, South Carolina comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was trying to do the right thing, just on the wrong "person." He called the cops and told the officer on duty that he had just tried to perform CPR on a woman that was apparently dead. Officers rushed to the scene but didn’t see a body. When they asked our bozo where the dead woman was, he pointed to a large bale of pine straw. Yep, he had confused a straw bale with a woman. Deputies believe the man had been drinking.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Manila, the Philippines comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a house and stole a couple of cell phones. Screams from inside the residence alerted the local police patrol who gave chase after he was seen running from the house. After about 500 yards our bozo began to run out of steam. So he did what only a bozo would do. He made the "T" sign with his hands and asked for a time out. Sorry, no time outs in the police business. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Fort St. Lucie, Florida. Bozo Maurice Starnes was lost, so he pulled into a convenience store parking lot and walked inside. It was there that he spotted a police officer in uniform and he walked up and asked him for directions. Which would have been a fine idea except for one little thing. That marijuana joint he had tucked behind his ear. Officers also found a plastic baggie of pot in our bozo’s car. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cookeville, Tennessee where an unidentified bozo went to the local grocery store and stuffed a family pack of steaks down his pants. He walked out of the store without paying and, as store employees watched, placed the package of steaks underneath a car parked outside. He then ran to the south side of the building, took off his shirt and hat and ran all the way around the building, coming back out on the opposite side. Guess all of this running drained the blood from his brain, as he then jumped into his vehicle and drove off, leaving the steaks behind. Police are still looking for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Yakima, Washington where there had been a big problem with graffiti artists tagging buildings. When police arrested our unidentified 18 year old bozo on burglary charges, they found something interesting in the glove box of his car. A digital camera filled with images of our bozo in action…spray painting graffiti on buildings all over town. Case solved!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Beaverton, Oregon comes the story of dirt slingin’ bozos John Burns and his girlfriend Iris Barry who were having such a loud argument that their neighbors called the cops. When the police arrived, they could hear the fight going on and noticed it took them a long time to come to the door. Finally, the police were let in, and they found our bozo and his girlfriend covered in dirt. They also noticed a gurgling sound coming from the toilet. Upon further investigation, it was determined that during the course of the argument, our two bozos began throwing dirt from a potted plant at each other. And when the police arrived, they tried to flush the whole plant down the toilet. The reason? It was a large marijuana plant. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 09975: Never steal anything more dangerous than you are. From Bushnell, Florida comes the story of bozo Jonathan Levine who broke into a shed that had a sign on the door saying "Poisonous Snakes." Our bozo then proceeded to grab two rock rattlesnakes, a Honduran milk snake, a butter rat snake and a hognose snake. The snakes apparently didn’t want to be removed from their happy home as they proceeded to sink their fangs into our bozo’s hands and arms. Realizing his mistake, he got out of there and headed to a nearby WalMart to buy bandages. Suspicious employees called the cops. He’ll be placed under arrest as soon as he gets out of the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Selden, New York where the rising cost of gasoline got our unidentified bozo into trouble. He wanted to steal some gas from a car in a repair shop and instead of siphoning it he decided to go the power tools route. He used a cordless drill to try to bore into the gas tank. Bad idea. The drill ignited the gas, setting the car on fire. Three other cars in the shop were also destroyed before the fire was extinguished. Our bozo was uninjured and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut where bozo Sean Payne was among a group of teenagers loitering outside a building. Police suspected they might be dealing drugs and when they started checking IDs our bozo claimed he didn’t have one and gave them a false name, which he was unable to spell for the officers. Then, one of them noticed an unusual tattoo on his arm. It appeared to be a street address and when they ran a check on it they found it to be our bozo’s residence. They also found that there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report. From Gulfport, Florida comes the story of bozo Michael Adams who made a call hoping to sell some drugs. He was undeterred when he got a wrong number and simply asked the unknown party at the other end of the line if they’d like to buy some marijuana or cocaine. Bad idea. The wrong number was for a Gulfport police department detective who set up the buy. Our bozo is now under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Hilton Head Island, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Issac Torrez who broke into an apartment, grabbing several items before an alert neighbor noticed what was going on and called the cops. Since he didn’t have a vehicle in which to make his getaway, our bozo did the only logical thing. He called his mother to come pick him up. She did, but they didn’t make it very far before the cops stopped him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo injured himself during an attempted break in, tearing off the tip of his finger and setting off the burglar alarm in the process. Security guards investigating the crime were shocked to see our bozo return to the scene of the crime…to try to retrieve his severed finger and to ask someone to call an ambulance. After receiving medical treatment, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte County, Florida where bozo Keith Jarman stopped a couple inside a Wal Mart and asked them if they’d like to buy a $600 TV for $375. When they told him they weren’t interested, he wrote down his name, address and phone number and gave it to them, just in case they changed their mind. He also told them the set was in the trunk of his car and he could drop it off for them anytime. After telling Wal Mart employees what had happened, they learned a TV had been stolen from the store. The cops were called, they called our bozo’s number and set up a time to pick up the TV and place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albertvile, Alabama where bozo Nestor Gonzalez broke into a jewelry store. In the process, he shattered the front window and ended up with several bad cuts. When the police arrived, they found a trail of blood leading away from the scene. The officers could probably have just followed the trail directly to his home, but they didn’t have to do that. As they were investigating, an urgent call went out to 911. It was our bozo, calling to ask exactly how bad a crime it was to break into a jewelry store, even if you didn’t get away with anything. He went on to tell the operator that he needed an ambulance as he was bleeding badly. He was stitched up and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 43769: Always dress in proper clothing for the crime. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Matthew Tyler who held up the local Walgreen’s while dressed as a woman. The costume was fine for the robbery, but not the best for making his getaway. When a police officer gave chase, our bozo took off, only to have his pantyhose get caught in a chicken wire fence. This wardrobe malfunction slowed him down enough for the officer to place him under arrest, but not before he had to dodge a size 10 red high heeled shoe that was thrown his way.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Mountain Home, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Phillip Randall who wasn’t happy with the service at the Ramada Inn. After checking in at 1 AM, he abruptly decided to check back out and the clerk at the front desk refused to give him a refund. So, our bozo called the police to complain, which might have been the logical thing to do except for a couple of things. When the police arrived to talk to him, they discovered he had an outstanding warrant for a charge of delivering marijuana. And in his car, they found more than five ounces of weed. He’s now getting free room and board at the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil where bozo Russell Carlton was involved in a dispute with a former business associate over a failed investment. The situation deteriorated until the two got into a big fight with our bozo attempting to throw the other man out of a sixth floor window. He managed to escape and called the cops. When the police went over to talk to our bozo they discovered something interesting on his laptop. A detailed eleven step plan for killing his former friend. He forgot the twelfth step: Erase plan from computer. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Texarkana, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Malachi Brown who was stopped by the cops after they saw him driving a school bus in his apartment parking lot. Which might not have seemed so strange except for the time…2:30 AM. Our bozo told the cops he had stolen the bus and taken it for a ride just "for fun." His fun is over. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Woodingdean, England comes the story of Bozo Terence North who was in the process of breaking into a house when a passing police patrol car spotted him. In his haste, he somehow locked himself inside the house he was trying to break into, forcing the cops to smash a window to get inside to arrest him. But, his problems didn’t end there. In all the confusion, our bozo dropped his keys on the floor. They were found the next day and turned in to the cops, who then went to our bozo’s residence to find it stuffed full of other stolen goods. He’s been sentenced to two years in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Laura Davidson for sending in today’s report. From Beaverton, Oregon comes the story of bozo Kevin Francis who broke into a car and stole a woman’s purse. Investigating officers discovered that our bozo had made several purchases with the woman’s credit card. And one of those purchases was for an item that had to be special ordered…axels for his Honda. The dealership called him when they came in and the cops were waiting when he came by to pick them up. Busted!