Monthly Archives: September 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from Stallings, North Carolina where bozos Alex Strickland and Andrew Worthy broke into the local Domino’s. But not for the reason you might think. They had no intention of stealing any money from the place. It’s just that they were hungry. And those Domino’s Brownie Squares are mighty tasty. That’s exactly what they were doing when the cops arrived, baking a fresh batch of brownies. They’ve been charged with breaking and entering and with possession of a marijuana pipe.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Rogersville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Daniel Starkey who was standing in the middle of the road when he flagged down a passing police car. When the officer approached, our bozo asked him to take him to “a house on the hill.” When the officer asked him which house, he again replied, “A house on the hill.” Suspecting something might be wrong; the officer then asked our bozo if he was taking any medication. “Just some marijuana,” our bozo replied. When the officer found our bozo to be in possession of an ounce of weed, he was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where there had been a rash of car thefts in recent weeks. Acting on a tip that a shirtless bozo had been seen acting suspiciously in the area, police staked out the scene and sure enough our bozo showed up, attempting to break into a vehicle. He was arrested and charged with attempted robbery. And just what was it that caused our bozo to be classified as “suspicious”? Guess it could have been the large tattoo across his shoulders that read “Grand Theft Auto”. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today must have forgotten that it’s not the Wild West anymore. From the International File in Geseke, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who rode his horse into several bars looking for a nightcap. Once inside, our bozo would shout, “Just one for the road, and an apple for Hendrik.” The cops were called and Marshall Dillon was arrested. He slept it off in jail and Hendrik bedded down for the night in a stable.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Lawrence, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Nicole Perry who forgot something rather important when she returned her rented van to the agency. $1,000,000 in cocaine. Workers at the agency called the cops. An officer posed as a car rental employee and called our bozo, telling her she’d left something behind in the van. When she came down to pick it up, she was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where bozo Jesus Ramirez walked into the Firstar Bank carrying two grocery bags, large ones, filled with cash, which he said he wanted to deposit. The teller told him that since he had more than $10,000 in cash, the transaction will have to be reported to the IRS. She gave him the necessary forms, which he filled out and gave back to her. The teller noticed something suspicious when she was looking over the forms. On the line asking what he does for a living, our bozo wrote in “Unemployed.” Needless to say, this sent up a few red flags and when the cops went by his apartment to investigate, they found an additional $156,000 in cash, which they allege came from Ramirez’ sale of 22 kilos of cocaine. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Bernardo Gomez was arrested and charged with distributing drugs. He was looking at ten years in prison if convicted. However, the prosecutors offered to shorten his prison term to two years if he would just plead guilty and save the state the expense of a trial. Most criminals would probably consult with their lawyer and accept what sounded like a pretty good deal. But what would a bozo do? Instead of calling his lawyer, he called a psychic hotline. The psychic told him not to worry; he would never spend a day behind bars. So, our bozo decided to go to trial. You’ve probably guessed the rest…he’s now facing ten years in prison.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coalinga, California where bozo Shawn Alexander worked up a terrific thirst while robbing a home, so he decided to pour himself a drink. While he had the refrigerator door open, he realized he was hungry. So, he put a pot of water on to boil, helped himself to some chicken wings and proceeded to cook some shrimp. While waiting for the shrimp to boil, he found a Polaroid camera and decided to take a picture of himself. At this time, a neighbor who was checking on the house surprised our bozo and he bolted out the back door, leaving a developing Polaroid picture of himself on the kitchen counter. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waukesha, Wisconsin where bozo Roderick Wilson was a budding arsonist. He staked out the old building he wanted to torch and got together the items he would need: Gasoline, matches, birth certificate. Yep, he took his birth certificate along. And left it at the scene of the crime. Since it was not completely destroyed, the cops were able to track down and arrest our firebug.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in yet another story of a bozo foiled by fashion. From Salinas, California comes the story of bozo Johnny Corley who was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. Our bozo, who was out on parole, didn’t want to have anything to do with the cops, so he jumped out of the car and made a run for it. Unfortunately, he was wearing those fashionable loose fitting jeans, and the faster he ran, the quicker they dropped. And if you’ve ever tried to run and pull your pants up at the same time, you know it’s a losing proposition. The pants won. They fell down and so did out bozo. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International file in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo broke into a clothing store and stole a sports jacket and a pair of shoes. It was only after he got home that he realized that the shoes he had stolen were of two different sizes. So, he did what any bozo would to, he put on the stolen jacket and marched back down to the store to demand that they switch out the wrong sized shoe. Not the best idea. The shop owner recognized the stolen jacket and called the cops while a sales clerk stalled our bozo. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Alexander City, Alabama where a couple of enterprising bozos had a large amount of marijuana to sell. They decided the best way to do this would be to throw a big party and sell the pot to the folks attending. But, how do you get the word out? You print up flyers promoting the party and telling everyone that marijuana will be available. Then you print your names on the flyers and post them on telephone poles around town. Bad, bad idea. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From New York City comes the story of Bozo Stephan Kountze who really wanted to be a cop, but just couldn’t cut it. So he did the next best thing. He customized his van with a large police decal on the rear door, as well as red and blue strobe lights on the dashboard. A police officer noticed the van didn’t look legit and pulled our bozo over. Not to be deterred, our bozo pulled out a Homeland Security Badge and said he was on duty. His story might have worked except for one little thing. His badge was imprinted with the words, “Copshop.com. Collectible badge not for official use.” Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Moscow, Russia comes the story of a bozo car thief who didn’t get very far before his stolen vehicle ran out of gas. A couple of helpful police officers pulled over and pushed the car out of the roadway. They were just about to leave when one of them noticed something strange…a screwdriver sticking out of the car’s ignition. A quick check found not only was this car stolen but out bozo was wanted for a string of other thefts. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From Broken Arrow, Oklahoma comes the story of another bozo foiled by modern technology. Bozo Elizabeth Butler had just purchased some high quality pot and she wanted to share it with a friend. So, she sent a text message wanting to know when and where they could get together for a smoke. Unfortunately, her friend never got the message. Somehow, our bozo got the numbers messed up and instead the text message went to the cell phone of Broken Bow police officer Phillip Short. He responded with an offer to meet her at a local business. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From San Diego, California comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was really having a bad day. He donned a cape and a Ronald Reagan mask and entered the Bank of America, shouting for everyone to get down. Obviously having trouble seeing out of the mask, our bozo fumbled for his gun and got it tangled in his cape, dropping it to the floor. He picked it up and got a small amount of cash from the teller. He ran out the door and, much to his dismay, found that his getaway vehicle was blocked by a couple of delivery trucks. He spent precious time, and attracted a lot of attention to himself, while he was ramming the two trucks. Finally, he created enough space to free himself. Just as he pulled away, the dye pack in the money exploded, sending ink and smoke throughout the vehicle. He finally gave up, ditched the mask, much of his money, the getaway car and fled on foot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vienna, Austria where an unidentified bozo had big plans to rob a bank. He staked out the building and, armed with an air gun, went inside. He pointed the gun at a woman behind a counter and demanded cash. When she seemed surprised, he repeated his demand, telling her he was robbing the bank. She told him he’d have to head further on down the street…this was the municipal building, not the bank. He’d seen an ATM in the lobby and made the false assumption. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Kansas City, Missouri where five bozos ransacked a home and crammed their small Geo Metro car full of loot. It was that last thing that they just had to have that sealed their fate. The big 27 inch TV wouldn’t fit inside the car, and instead of leaving it behind, they strapped it on the roof. As you might expect, a Geo Metro with five bozos inside and a big TV on top attracted the attention of the cops. They’ve been charged with burglary.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 83109: Put a little thought into what type of store you plan to rob. From Midvale, Utah comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a pawn shop just after the store opened, pointed a gun at the man behind the counter and demanded cash. As luck would have it, the clerk was just pulling his guns out of the safe and putting them into the gun case. He simply picked up one of his biggest guns and said "I don’t think so." Our bozo turned tail and ran out of the store.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kochi, Japan where an unidentified bozo was out of a job and in dire need of money. He wanted to rob a bank but wasn’t sure exactly how to do it. So, he did what any bozo would do. He dropped by the local police station and asked an officer how to go about robbing a bank. Instead he got a lecture from the officer on how to go about getting yourself arrested.