Monthly Archives: August 2006

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8980: When driving a stolen car, it’s not usually a good idea to ask police for help if it breaks down. That’s what happened to bozo Renee Hughes of Billings, Montana, who was cruising around in a stolen car when she had a flat tire. A police officer stopped to offer help and before changing the tire did a routine check of the license plate. When he discovered the vehicle was stolen, he changed the tire while waiting for backup to arrive and arrest our bozo.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Beverly, Massachusetts, where bozo Gregory Tarver had printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the individual bills off the sheets he had printed them on. Must be hard work, this counterfeiting, because our poor bozo was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened him, noticed the bills in the truck, and he arrested him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Franklinton, Louisiana, where bozo William Donner was caught on security cameras throwing a cement block through the window of a convenience store and stealing liquor, cigarettes and cigars. Our bozo stuffed all the items into a duffel bag and headed to the nearby woods, where the cops found him a short time later. It was then that he offered up our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He said that the man on the video was his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in identical clothes and commits crimes just to get him into trouble. The cops aren’t buying that story. He’s under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Amsterdam, Holland. It’s the story of an unidentified bozo who shoplifted a pair of pants, only to get home and find they were a couple of sizes too small. So she called the store to see if she could come back in and exchange them for a larger size. The shopkeeper couldn’t remember selling the pants, so he reviewed the store’s security cameras and, sure enough, he spotted the pants being stolen. He called our bozo back and told her to come back in to exchange the pants. He also called the cops, who were waiting for our bozo when she arrived.

Our bozo for today definitely picked the wrong place and the wrong time to do the crime. From Arlington, Virginia comes the story of bozo Charles Hendry who had gone down to the county courthouse to recover his vehicle, which had been impounded earlier in the day. It while standing in line that the uncontrollable urge to commit a crime came over our bozo. He reached into the purse of the woman in front of him, looking for cash. He grabbed a few dollars and also her car keys. The rattling of the keys alerted the woman to what was going on. He tried to hand the stuff back to her, but it was too late. He’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Webb for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Craig Murray, who had been caught speeding by one of those roadside traffic cameras. Fearing that the ticket could cause him to lose his license, he did what any bozo would do…he returned a short time later with explosives. Hoping to destroy the camera and the evidence of his speeding, our bozo set off the charge. Unfortunately, the blast wasn’t strong enough to put the heavily reinforced camera out of commission. And even more unfortunately, the explosion jogged the camera into taking another picture, this one of our bozo’s van and its license plate number. The speeding ticket is the least of his worries now.

The high price of gasoline continues to cause problems for all of us, including our bozos. From Royal Oak, Michigan, comes the story of bozo David Baxter who robbed a 7-Eleven, getting away with a small amount of cash. An officer responding to the robbery call noticed a pickup parked on the side of the road about a mile away from the store. Yep, it was our bozo, whose getaway car had run out of gas.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Leicestershire, England, where a gang of bozos thought they were on to a big payoff. They spent weeks working in a room directly above their target, chiseling and chipping their way though nine inches of reinforced concrete floor. Finally their big night came. They burst through the ceiling and fell right into…the news stand directly below. The jewelry store they thought they were breaking into was three doors down the street. Oops. They fled without taking anything.

Bozo criminal for today comes from La Vista, Nebraska where bozo Carlos Gonzales and his girlfriend were hungry. She tried to call Dominoes but got the first three digits messed up and ended up calling 911. And instead of telling them of her error, she simply hung up. In cases like this, officers are always dispatched to investigate. Which would have been no problem, except that her boyfriend was wanted on seven felony charges. Hope the jailhouse pizza is to his liking.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bradenton, Florida, comes the story of bozo Stephen Williams who had recently been robbed and was seeing revenge. He grabbed a weapon, donned a ski mask and placed socks on his hands to prevent fingerprints and headed for the house of the person he thought robbed him. Then things started to go wrong. First of all, our bozo found it’s not as easy to kick down a door in real life as it is in the movies. After several attempts to break through, our bozo was about to give up when the residents opened the door. They then knocked him to the ground, grabbed his weapon (a BB gun) and called the cops. He’s been arrested and charged with home invasion. And did we mention these folks didn’t have anything to do with the original robbery? He went to the wrong house.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From Charleston, West Virginia comes the story of bozo Michael Ray Harris who obviously believed the old saying, "When you gotta go, you gotta go." Unfortunately for him, he chose the parking lot of the West Virginia State Police Headquarters as the place for his pit stop. An officer noticed him and, after smelling alcohol, decided to check his truck. Inside he found a marijuana pipe and several pills for which he had no prescription. Busted!

A man in New York City was hit by a bus. He was lying on the ground, in bad shape, as a crowd gathered. A policeman ran up and asked the man how he was doing. "I’m dying," the man said, "I need a priest." The officer turned to the crowd and said, "Is there anyone here who’s a priest?" For a minute or so no one said anything. Finally, an old man came forward and said, "I’m not a very religious man, but I live next to the Catholic church and I can hear what goes on every night. Maybe I can help." The officer said, "Good, just repeat what you’ve heard." The old man leaned down to the injured man and said, "B-13, I-22, N-42…"

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Glasgow, Scotland where bozo Derek Brown threatened workers at a bank with what turned out to be a can of deodorant in a bag while asking for cash. When the teller refused to give it to him, our bozo laid his head down on the counter and promptly fell asleep. Police were called, our bozo was awakened and taken to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File. It’s the story of a disc jockey in Brazil who was on the air, conducting a talk show, when two bozos broke into the studio and demanded money. Guess they didn’t realize that the mic was on and the crime was being broadcast live. Over 100 listeners called the cops to report the heist and our bozos were quickly arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Brooklyn, New York comes the story of Bozo Abdullah Darby who sent a threatening letter to the cops, filled with a white powder and concluding with the words "Catch me if you can." The New York cops were up to the challenge, even though our bozo made it easy for them. Right after "Catch me if you can" he signed his real name. And he included his return address on the envelope.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Edwards for sending in today’s report from Highland Mills, New York where police were called to a report of a naked man. The cops arrived and found our bozo indeed naked and rolling around on the ground. Perhaps it was the heat. More likely it was related to his line of work. Police found a sophisticated marijuana growing operation in his home. He’s been charged with criminal possession of marijuana.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Salem, Oregon comes the story of bozos Jermiah Blackerby and Rex Sutton who were pulled over by the cops for a signal violation. As the cop is talking to our bozo driver, he notices the bozo in the passenger’s seat is talking on his cell phone. A moment later, he hears the dispatcher issue a call for officers to a stabbing just a block away. Then the officer hears the guy in the passenger seat say something about a knife fight. Putting two and two together he realizes what is going on. Our bozo’s buddy has made a fake 911 call about a non-existent stabbing to try to get out of the traffic stop. Didn’t work. After a search of the car turned up a number of stolen checks, our bozos were placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 23145: These things always work better on TV. From the International File in Ivanhoe, Australia comes the story of three bozos who escaped from a minimum security prison. Our bozos made it to a nearby road and, still clad in their prison gear, attempted to flag down a car. Much to their delight, the first car that passed by stopped. And with good reason, it was an unmarked police car. They’ve been returned to prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was caught red-handed trying to steal a computer from an office. It was what he did when confronted by the cops that boggles all but the bozo brain. He dropped to the floor and played dead. Literally. He didn’t move a muscle as the cops examined him. It was only when emergency personnel showed up and tried to insert a breathing tube into his trachea that our bozo gave up his ruse. Our master thespian has been charged with burglary.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Trenton, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Donald Ray Box who was serving time at the county jail for auto theft when he came up with a classic bozo money making scheme. He sent extortion letters to the FBI and local banks threatening to bomb their buildings if they didn’t deposit $20,000 in his bank account. No, not in a special numbered Swiss account, but instead in his inmate bank account at the county jail. And to make sure it went to the right place, he included his full name and inmate number. He’s been transferred to a more secure prison and has had charges of extortion added to his rap sheet.