Monthly Archives: April 2006

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Middletown, Ohio comes the story of bozo couple Richard and Stephanie Newman who just had to have one of those new big screen panel TVs. And, being tapped out on their credit cards, they decided to steal one from the local electronics store. They loaded it into the back of their vehicle and took off. One problem, however, the 55 inch screen was too big to fit in the back seat of their small car and they were spotted by the cops going down the road with the back door half open and the TV hanging out. That’ll attract a little attention. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of bozo Freddy Diego who broke into the home of a U.S. Federal magistrate and stole his car. He left behind a half consumed can of Coke, with an excellent set of fingerprints on it, in the garage. And, before he ditched the car, he left another thumb print on the rear view mirror. But, what really sealed his fate was what he left in the trunk. His backpack and some photos of himself with his girlfriend. Police had all the evidence they needed to make the arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You could say bozo Charles Henrickson was having a bad day. First, he entered a large sports complex and tried to rob a woman in her office. When he discovered she had no money, he tried to mug a man but his wallet turned out to be empty also. Thinking this was not the place to be, he tried to flee but got lost and couldn’t find the exit. When the police arrived, he complained of chest pains. (It’s the big one, Elizabeth!) Police helped him find the exit and took him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Hayward, California comes the story of another bozo caught in a chimney. But this one has a slightly different twist. Bozo Michael Estes says he locked himself out of his house, so he decided to climb back in through the chimney. And thinking it would be easier if he were naked, he stripped off all his clothes first. Didn’t help, he got stuck anyway. Police answered his calls for help and after several minutes were able to pull our naked and dirty bozo out. It was after they removed him that they noticed he was, shall we say, a little out of it. He’s been charged with being under the influence of drugs.

Bozo criminals for today come from Nashua, New Hampshire where a group of teenage bozos were having a high old time firing paintballs at passing cars. Their fun came to a screeching halt when they unloaded on an unmarked police cruiser. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today found out the hard way that there are some things that you just can’t take back. From Williston, North Dakota comes the story of bozo Ryan Wilson who walked into a bank wearing a ski mask and demanded money. Then, for some reason, he changed his mind and pulled off the mask, telling the frightened teller, "Just kidding." He then withdrew some money from his checking account and left. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and faces five years in prison if convicted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. Bozo Tekle Zoller was arrested and charged with counterfeiting. And it wasn’t that his bills were poor quality, in fact, they were actually quite good. It was his choice of bill to counterfeit that attracted attention. He printed up 250 billion dollar bills. Yep, that’s billion with a "B". Try cashing those at your neighborhood Seven Eleven.

A man goes into a bar every Friday and orders three beers. After a few weeks, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, "Why do you always order three beers?" The man replies, "One is for me and the others are for my two brothers." This goes on for several months until finally one Friday the man comes in and only orders two beers. The bartender says, "What happened? Why are you only ordering two beers?" The man says, "My wife made me join the Baptist church and I’ve had to give up drinking!"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Train for sending in today’s report. From Mira Mesa, California comes the story of bozo Hector Ruiz who attempted to rob a laundry but fell through the roof vent and came crashing down to the floor. Our bozo quickly scrambled to his feet and fled, losing his wallet in the process. Investigating officers found the wallet and were interviewing witnesses when who should pass by but our bozo, apparently coming back for his wallet. Bad idea. The officer stopped him and asked for his ID. When he couldn’t produce one, he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Gillette, Wyoming comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was frustrated with the rising cost of gasoline. And, in typical bozo fashion, he took his frustrations out in crime. He was siphoning some gas from another car when he dropped the hose and spilled some gasoline on his pants. Not having a flashlight, he took out his lighter to see how wet his pants were. He’s recovering with second and third degree burns on his legs. He’ll be charged with theft when he’s released.

Bozo criminals for today come from Waterloo, Iowa, where bozo James Shelton and Mary Jo James wanted a few days off work. In typical bozo fashion, they hatched an elaborate scheme to get what they wanted. They fabricated a story that Mary Jo’s son had died after a lengthy illness. They sent the obituary to the local newspaper and used this as an excuse to skip work for a few days. It might have worked if they had let her son in on what was going on. He was spotted chowing down at a local restaurant a few days later. (Dead man eating?) Our bozos may get to take a few days off…in jail. They’ve been charged with tampering with records.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a group of teenage bozos who perhaps flunked driver’s ed. Police officers responding to a report of shots fired from a vehicle pulled up to talk to our bozos only to have them speed away. Well, perhaps speed isn’t the proper term. Our bozos tried to flee, but couldn’t get their car above 35 MPH. In their haste to get away, they had forgotten to release the parking brake. They’ve been charged with fleeing arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Charlotte, North Carolina where a couple of bozos broke into the middle school and filled their pickup with audio visual equipment. Unfortunately, they forgot to also fill up their pickup with gasoline and they ran out of gas about ten miles down the road. They then added to their problems by going from house to house, asking for gas money. One resident got suspicious and called the cops who discovered the pickup full of stolen items and arrested our bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Thomas Morse was due to appear in court on auto theft charges. With an image to keep up, our bozo wanted to be sure he arrived in court in style, so, he did what he knew best. He stole a car to drive to the proceedings. A nice one, too, a Mercedes S500 sedan. Unfortunately, this car came equipped with a GPs system that alerted the cops that the vehicle had been stolen. Police arrested him as he pulled into the courthouse parking lot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where bozo1144855525

Bozo criminals for today come from Lawrence, Indiana where bozos Eugene Dixon and Jeffrey Wilks were getting impatient in the drive thru lane at McDonalds. After honking the horn and shouting at the driver in front of them, one of our bozos stuck a gun out the window and fired a shot in the air. That did speed things up, as the car in front of them sped away. It also prompted someone inside to dial 911. Our bozos were at the pick up window, waiting on their food, when the cops arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Osaka, Japan, where bozo Konoshin Kawabata found an unlocked door in a university building and saw a perfect opportunity to pull off a burglary. Or so he thought. He entered the darkened room and suddenly the lights switched on and he found himself face to face with a huge sumo wrestler. And, as he turned to run, he saw it wasn’t just one sumo, but twelve. Yep, he had tried to rob the sumo dormitory. They had no problem holding him down until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report from Victorville, California. Bozo Mitchel Walker was appearing in court on drug and grand theft charges when he made a break for it. Somehow, he was able to elude bailiffs and guards before jumping into a waiting vehicle. Now that he was a wanted man, he hightailed it out of state, or maybe even out of the country, right? Wrong. Instead of going into hiding, our bozo simply returned to his apartment, which was one of the first places the cops looked. He’s back under arrest.

Our Bozo Criminal award for Worst Disguise goes today to Matthew Bryant of Dayton, Ohio. Mr. Bryant was spotted at the local K-Mart stuffing a DVD and a video game into his Superman costume. That’s right. He was trying to shoplift while wearing a Superman getup. Unfortunately, super speed didn’t come with the costume. Police caught him after a brief chase.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Phillip Watkins thought his dealer was trying to rip him off by selling him fake cocaine. So, he did what any upstanding bozo would do, he approached two uniformed officers and asked them if they would be so kind as to test his crack pipe to be sure the cocaine was genuine. Turns out it was. He’s under arrest for possession (of drugs, not brains).