Monthly Archives: March 2006

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Prince George, Canada where our crooks pulled off a heist at the local museum. They probably would have fared better if they had tried to steal some of the artwork instead of what they did take. Our bozos stole the museum’s surveillance cameras. Guess they didn’t realize that before they disconnected the cameras, every move they made was recorded on tape, giving the police a crystal clear picture of their mugs. They were spotted and arrested a few hours later.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Australia at Ayers Rock. It seems our unidentified bozo was looking for the famous rock, which is 1100 feet high and almost six miles around. For some reason, he just couldn’t find it, so he stopped a passing police car to ask for directions. Probably not the best idea, since his car was close enough to the rock that its headlights were actually shining on it. He was arrested for drunk driving.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bunker Hill, Indiana where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the local bank. Things were going well; he handed the teller a paper sack, she put some cash into it and he headed for the door. And that’s when things started to go downhill. In his haste to get away, our bozo crashed into the door and fell to the ground when it failed to open. Thinking the jig was up and he was locked in, our bozo simply sat down and waited for the cops to come and arrest him. Imagine his surprise when the officers simply pushed on the door from the outside and came in. Yep, the door wasn’t locked at all, he had just pushed on it when he should have pulled. He was hauled off to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Granger, Washington, where bozo Paul Sears tried to break into a bank by crawling through the ventilation shaft (that always works in the movies). Unfortunately, he was either too large or the shaft was too small, as he quickly became stuck. Employees found him when they came into work the next day and called the cops. When the police arrived, they took one look into the shaft and asked him what he was doing in there. And that’s when he came up with this Bozo Hall of Fame response, "What do you think? I’m trying to rob the bank!" He was pulled out and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mellrichstadt, Germany where police raided the home of a suspected drug dealer. After an initial search turned up empty, the police were getting ready to leave when one of them noticed our bozo’s pet mouse, Mickey. Poor Mickey was passed out, lying on his back in his cage. Upon further inspection it was discovered that Mickey was simply stoned, after nibbling at the stash of marijuana that had been hidden in his cage. Our bozo, like his mouse, is now behind bars.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monterey, California where bozo Michael Clark was foiled by his poor fashion sense. Our unshaven bozo donned a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig before robbing a gas station. He got away with about 300 bucks in cash and fled in a black Saab. He was pulled over a short time later when an officer noticed a black car with a pair of fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver’s side door, dragging on the ground. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carmel, New York, where bozo Gary Brown basically did all the work for the local detectives. Our bozo, who was wanted on drug trafficking charges, walked into the police station and asked the detective on duty if there were any warrants out for his arrest. The officer checked, and, after finding there were, in fact, two, arrested our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Southern Georgia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who thought he had come up with the perfect disguise. He walked into a convenience store with a large plastic milk crate over his head. As you might expect, the crate was rather difficult to balance and, after he got the cash from the clerk, he couldn’t wait to take the bulky thing off. Unfortunately for him, he took it off just outside the store, giving everyone a good look at his face. Police were quickly able to identify and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminals for today come from Benicia, California, where two bozos had big plans to hold up the local credit union. They donned ski masks and rushed into the First Pacific Credit Union around noon. With handguns drawn, our bozos ordered the employees to lie down on the floor and then instructed one of them to hand over all the money. And that’s when things started to go downhill. You see, there was no money to be had. Our bozos had chosen to rob what’s known as a "cashless credit union" where all money is deposited directly into a vault that is inaccessible to credit union employees. Oops…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Suffolk, Virginia comes the story of bozo David Lee Nations who walked into a bank along with an accomplice and demanded money from a teller. He grabbed the loot and then ran outside to his getaway car. It was then that he realized that his partner had the keys to the car. Oops. And his partner was still inside the bank. Double oops. He rushed back to the bank to find the doors now locked. Triple oops. He’s under arrest. His accomplice, who got locked in the bank, is cooperating with the police and has not been charged.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Smithfield, Ohio comes the story of bozo Michael Carlton who violated the Number One Rule for guys (and bozos) everywhere: Never, ever stop and ask for directions. Our bozo had stolen a car and was having trouble finding his way out of town, so he stopped at a house to ask for directions. The homeowner was glad to help and, as our bozo was pulling away, he noticed the car he was driving looked awfully familiar. In fact, he was so sure it was his daughter’s car, he called the cops. Yep, our bozo had stopped to ask for directions at the home of the father of the car’s owner. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Slough, England comes the story of a gang of bozo criminals who heard through the ol’ crook grapevine that a Ford transit van that would be passing through town was loaded with money. Lots of money, $130,000,000 in fact. They snatched the van as its driver was making a delivery. And the story they had heard was true, the van was full of money. Unfortunately, it was Monopoly money that was to be used in a promotion of a new version of the game.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mill Valley, California where bozo Steven Cox tried to mail a half pound package of marijuana. It was wrapped up nicely and might have made it to its destination except for one thing. Our bozo forgot to put an address on the package. He did, however, remember to write on his own return address. Officials opened the package to see if the mailing label was inside, and that’s when they discovered the pot. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stevens Point, Wisconsin where an unidentified bozo broke into a residence and stole a camera from a purse. Unfortunately for him, he left behind a little calling card. His probation and parole card, which had a date and time for his next appointment with the parole officer. That’s been changed. His next appointment is in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Diane Kahler for sending in today’s report. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Kimberly Dixon who had a bunch of outstanding traffic tickets. Thinking there was no way she was going to be able to pay them all, she did what any bozo would do. She faked her own death. A letter was sent to the courthouse containing a phony obituary stating that our bozo had died in a car accident. She was tripped up the when the "dead person driving" was pulled over for another speeding violation.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Brunswick, Ohio comes the story of bozo Jason Mitchell who had just spent some time behind bars on a disorderly conduct charge. Upon being released, he found no one waiting to pick him up. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole a pickup truck from the police station parking lot. Bad idea. Police arrested him at his home, where he was loading the truck with stuff to take to California. He’s back in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida where bozo Ralph Gonzales was showing off the On-Star system on his new Cadillac Escalade. Unfortunately, the volume was set too low for him to hear the On-Star operator answer. And if there is no response, it is On-Star’s policy to contact authorities. When the cops came by to check on our bozo, they discovered a package of cocaine on the vehicle’s center console. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Nathan Massey for whom it seems looks are everything. Police officers noticed our bozo driving erratically and tried to pull him over. He kept going before pulling into a shopping center parking lot, where he slammed into several shopping carts. He then leapt from his vehicle and fled on foot. Don’t know if he caught a glimpse of himself in a window and didn’t like what he saw, but he headed straight for a hair salon where he requested a haircut. He’ll have to settle for the standard issue jailhouse cut for a while. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kelso, Washington, where bozo Gerald Moore got into a standoff with police officers in front of his house. He was in enough trouble, but when officers entered the place, the saw a large notice that our bozo had posted just inside the front door. It said, "Do not open door and let anyone in. Stolen stuff visible." He wasn’t kidding. Police found stolen antiques, furniture, jewelry, credit cards and 19 guns inside. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Interlachen, Florida comes the story of bozo Patricia Kenney who became a little nervous when the cops pulled her over for speeding. As she stood beside the car, she stuffed her hands into her pockets. And her troubles really began when she pulled her hands out, and a rock of crack cocaine was stuck to her sweaty palm. Busted!!!