Monthly Archives: August 2005

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report, which is similar to one we had last week, but takes it to another level. From the International File in Wellington, New Zealand comes the story of a group of bozos who were frustrated by the high price of gasoline. Not wanting to fork over the money for a tank of gas, our bozos simply siphoned some from another vehicle into the tank of their car. Of course, siphoning directly into your tank makes it hard to tell exactly how much you have. And when their car wouldn’t start, they did what any bozo would do. They checked the level in the fuel pipe by using their cigarette lighter. Our bozos escaped injury but didn’t escape being arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alameda, California where bozo Jason Caldwell was being chased by the cops after they spotted him driving erratically. Knowing that he needed to get rid of some evidence before the cops pulled him over, our bozo rolled down the window and tossed out a paper bag. When the police checked the bag, they discovered it contained only fast food trash. When one of the officers noticed a similar bag inside the vehicle, he checked it and found it contained three ounces of methamphetamine. Yep, he had thrown out the wrong bag. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Smith, Arkansas comes the story of clumsy bozo Joseph McGinnis who cut his arm while trying to break into a car. Apparently he couldn’t stand the sight of his own blood because instead of fleeing he ran to the nearest house to ask for help. Inside was the owner of the car he had just attempted to break into. Instead of calling an ambulance he called the cops.

The ever climbing price of gasoline led to the downfall of today’s bozos from Nappanee, Indiana. Our bozos were running low on fuel and, not wanting to pay the high price, decided to siphon some out a construction company fuel storage tank. They got what they thought was gas and sped away. But they didn’t get very far before their car started sputtering and finally ground to a halt. They hadn’t noticed that was diesel in that tank, not regular gasoline. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. Our bozo violated Bozo Rule Number 13,445: If you don’t have a getaway vehicle lined up for your heist, don’t call your mommy. From Villa Rica, Georgia comes the story of bozo Kevin Tull who broke into a residence and stole some credit cards, a checkbook and some jewelry. Then, when it came time to make his getaway, he used the victim’s phone to call his mother to come pick him up. The cops were able to use the redial button on the phone to track down mom and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England where an unidentified bozo decided to hold up an electronics store. Perhaps he didn’t notice that this particular shop was a CCTV store. A closed circuit television store. A store that specializes in selling surveillance equipment to prevent theft. In this case, the equipment worked really well. There were dozens of cameras all over the place and the owner of the business was able to provide the cops with pictures of our bozo taken from every conceivable angle, including one of him with his hand on the door, giving them a nice set of prints. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in the story of a record breaking bozo…ten traffic tickets in five minutes. From Highlands, New York comes the story of bozo Joseph Simpson who was clocked by the police doing over 90 miles per hour. By the time they finally pulled him over, he was also charged with passing on the right, failure to stay in lane, drunk driving, reckless driving, failure to yield and possession of marijuana. Police said he might have been doing a little celebrating. His three year probation for grand larceny had just ended. Hope he enjoyed his joy ride…he’s headed to jail.

Bozo criminal for today isn’t a crook in the usual sense, but he is without a doubt a bozo. From Houma, Louisiana comes the story of a local mail carrier who wasn’t worried when he walked up to a house and heard a dog barking, since he knew the dog was chained up in the backyard. It wasn’t the dog he should have been worried about, it was our bozo, Mark Parker. When the carrier stepped into the yard, our bozo rushed out of the house, barking like a dog, and bit the poor mailman on the shoulder. Our bozo says it was all a joke. The postman didn’t agree. Barking bozo has been charged with assault.

We’ve been over this time and time again, but let us repeat it one more time: Don’t decorate your car with red and blue lights and pretend to be a police officer, it just never works out. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of bozo Marvin Wilson who thought it would be funny to put the flashing lights on his dashboard and pull over an unsuspecting motorist. The two undercover cops in the car he tried to pull over didn’t see the humor in it, either. And he didn’t help his cause one bit when the cops found seven grams of cocaine inside the car. He’s under arrest.

Those cell phones with built-in cameras are fun, but in the hands of a bozo they can really get you into trouble. From Woodland, California comes the story of bozo Zachary Hines who lost his cell phone. Someone found it and turned it in to the cops. As the police were trying to determine the phone’s owner, they found some interesting pictures stored on it. Numerous digital snapshots of piles of pot and cash. When the cops visited our bozo’s home, they found more drugs and money. And a new cell phone with pictures of pot and cash, too. He’s under arrest.

We at the Bozo Criminal report believe there’s a time and a place for just about everything. But in this case it was definitely the wrong time and the wrong place. From the International File in Holland comes the story of a couple of young bozo lovers who were just overcome by their passion for each other. And the first place they found to do a little romancing was the hood of a car. Guess they must have been blinded by love, since they didn’t notice they were on the hood of a police car. An occupied police car. And one of our bozos insulted the officer when he politely asked them to stop. Our lovebirds were arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Bob and Wendy Gutermuth for sending in today’s report. From Catonsville, Maryland comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought they had hit the jackpot when they broke into a liquor store and stole an ATM machine. Guess they didn’t read the fine print on that machine. It contained no cash, only coupons. Oops…

Sometimes being a little too compassionate can get you into trouble, especially if you’re a bozo. From the International File in Sapporo, Japan comes the story of bozo Shinji Matshushita who broke into an apartment, threatened a woman with a knife and robbed her of 900,000 yen, leaving her tied up with duct tape. His conscience got the best of him and he returned to the scene of the crime a few days later to check up on her and see how she was doing. Not the best idea. She spotted him and called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tilsbury, England where bozo Nicholas Roberts was suffering from a bad case of road rage. He pulled up behind a car, sounded his horn, flashed his lights and lunged forward, almost rear-ending the other car. He then attempted to pass, pausing to make an obscene gesture as he went by. A bad idea in any circumstance, but a spectacularly bad idea when the car you’re doing this to is a marked police cruiser. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From San Francisco, California comes the story of bozo drug smuggler Steve Hampton who thought he had come up with the perfect plan for smuggling heroin into the country. He would superglue the drug packets to his head and then cover the whole thing up with a toupee. Maybe he should have invested a little extra money in a high quality wig, because the sight of a 19 year old wearing a really bad rug attracted the attention of customs officers who pulled our bozo aside and checked him a little closer. And, to add insult to injury, the superglued packets wouldn’t come loose easily, so our bozo ended up looking like a spotted cat.

It’s been a busy week for bozos on TV shows. You may remember, yesterday’s bozos tried to rob the host of a TV shopping show. Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Russia where a contestant on a Russian TV show that is similar to our "Big Brother" was recognized by viewers as a man wanted for fraud. They called the cops and our bozo was escorted off the set and into the jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fort Smith, Arkansas, where a couple of unidentified bozos burst onto the set of a late night TV shopping program. No, they didn’t want to steal the Ginsu knives that were being offered for sale; instead they demanded the host give them the keys to his car. And they made their demands on live TV, in front of the viewing audience. Instead of calling in their bids, several viewers called the cops and our bozos were busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the West Side of Chicago where bozo Miguel Herrera needed to get to work, and, since he didn’t have a car, he called a cab, right? Wrong. Asked a friend to drive him? Wrong. Took the bus? Wrong. Stole a marked Chicago police car? Right! Our bozo noticed the squad car parked outside a restaurant, where the officers had gone inside to eat. And, since they had left the keys inside, our bozo simply hopped in and drove away. Once in the police car, he must have felt it was his responsibility to protect and serve because when he drove past a citizen who waved at him for help, he stopped to render aid. Guess no good dead goes unpunished when you’re a bozo. The cops noticed what was going on and nabbed him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macon, Georgia where bozo Deion Blanks figured he couldn’t go wrong stealing money from the blind guy who ran the snack bar. He snatched $600 from the till and, sure enough, the blind cashier never even noticed him. Unfortunately for our bozo someone did notice him trying to sneak out with the cash. And even more unfortunately for him, the snack bar was in the basement of the county courthouse. The word was quickly sent out and deputies found our bozo waiting with his mother outside a fifth floor courtroom, where he was scheduled to go before the judge on another theft charge.

Bozo criminals for today come from Hamilton Township, New Jersey, where bozos Ryan Jacobsen and James House went down to a local used car lot and asked to test drive a 1990 Lexus. When they stayed gone a little too long, the dealership manager reported the car stolen. Actually, our bozos had only borrowed the car to use as their getaway vehicle while they held up a nearby bank. After pulling off the holdup, they came back to the dealership to return the car. Not the best plan. Officers there investigating the theft quickly arrested them.