Monthly Archives: June 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report, our first ever incident of drunk driving inside a grocery store. Police were called to a supermarket in Devils Lake, North Dakota after receiving reports of a reckless driver. When they arrived, they found our bozo Clifford Martin aboard a motorized shopping cart inside the store. He reportedly had been terrorizing shoppers by driving the cart extremely fast and attempting to run down customers. He was arrested and, we assume, his shopping cart license was revoked.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Romania where an unidentified bozo went bananas after the police were called when he refused to leave a bar at closing time. He finally agreed to go home, swearing and threatening the policemen as he left. After briefly chasing the patrol car, he turned up a short time later at the police station, armed with…a bunch of bananas. He was arrested after he pelted the windows and doors of the station house with the fruit. Guess it’s a good thing he didn’t use coconuts.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who sent in this one from Smyrna, Georgia, where a couple of bozos broke into a sporting goods store and stole several guns, including an AR-15 rifle and a shotgun. Unfortunately for our bozos, the break-in was captured by store security cameras. And even more unfortunately, our bozos returned to the scene of the crime the next day to try to buy some accessories for the stolen guns, including an ammunition clip for the AR-15. And still more unfortunately, they were even wearing the same clothes they had worn during the break-in the night before. The manager recognized them from the surveillance tape and called the cops.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fremont, California where Timothy Watson and Andrew Gomez applied for a job. While in the office for the interview, one of our bozos snatched another office worker’s credit card. They then proceeded to go on a little shopping spree, using the card to charge boxer shorts and gift cards at Target and frappuccinos at Starbucks. Investigating officers came up with a plan…call our bozos and tell them they were needed back in the office for a follow-up interview. They were arrested when they arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Serbia where one part of the traditional Serbian wedding calls for the groom to shoot an apple, supposedly to bring good luck to the happy couple. The weapon of choice is usually a pistol or rifle. Since neither was available, our bozo chose a shotgun. Bad idea. Fifteen wedding guests were hurt by ricocheting pellets. Even though none of the guests was seriously injured, police were called and our bozo groom spent the first night of his honeymoon in jail.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of bozo Alejandro Gomez who walked into a pizza parlor, ordered a pizza and asked for a job application. He started filling it out and when he felt the moment was right, he lifted his shirt to show a gun and told the cashier to hand over the cash. The clerk gave our bozo about $200 but before he could even put it into a slot machine, he was under arrest. Two big problems…First, a witness got the make and license plate number of his getaway vehicle. And second, remember that job application he filled out? Yep, he put his real name, address and phone number on it.

Thanks to Cynthia Kindler-Thomas for sending in today’s report. From Suffolk, Virginia comes the story of three bozos who would be free men today if only their mothers had taught them to clean their plates. Our bozo gang walked into a local McDonald’s with the intention of robbing it. Since the place was rather busy, they ordered themselves several burgers and enjoyed their meal while waiting for the crowd to thin out. They then robbed the place and made their getaway. Unfortunately, they left behind an important piece of evidence. Their DNA on the leftover portions of the burgers. They’ve been arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rob Holahan for sending in today’s report. From Winona, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Thomas Mays whose bank robbery skills need a little work. Our bozo walked up to the teller at the local bank and handed her a hold-up note. Well, it wasn’t exactly a hold-up note, it was more like a hold-up threat. The note told the teller to give him $1000 or he would return to the bank with a weapon. And then he signed his real name at the bottom of the note. When the teller refused, bank employees watched him walk across the street to a convenience store. And that’s where the cops found him, drinking beer and scratching lottery tickets.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Renata Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Fayetteville, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Cornelius Scott who was spending a lot of time tending his grandmother’s garden. He told Granny he was growing tomatoes but actually he was cultivating a marijuana crop, about 25 large plants right there in the back yard. Things were going well until the neighbors next door decided to hold a yard sale. An off duty sheriff’s deputy was checking out the sale when he noticed the big pot plants next door. When he informed Granny that those weren’t tomatoes, she let him in to investigate and our bozo was busted.

Bozo criminal for today may give the producers of the movie "Beauty Shop" an idea for a sequel. From Shreveport, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Jared Green who walked into Blalock’s Beauty College brandishing a weapon and demanding money. As he made his way through the salon, Diane Mitchell and her students sprang into action. Diane stuck her leg out and tripped our bozo. Someone then yelled "Get that sucker," and before you knew it 20 students, nearly all women, swarmed all over him. He was battered with curling irons, chairs, a wooden table leg and well manicured fists. He’ll be booked into City Jail once he is released from the hospital. The owner of Blalock’s Beauty College summed it up when she said, "They just whooped the hell out of him."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Glens Falls, New York where bozo Jason McGuffey was convicted on a breaking and entering charge. Part of his sentence required him to wear an electronic tracking bracelet on his ankle. Don’t know if it clashed with his wardrobe or what but our bozo decided he would remove it. By burning it off with lighter fluid. Bad idea. Witnesses spotted our bozo engulfed in flames on his front porch. When the cops arrived they found smoldering clothes in the yard and our bozo inside in extreme pain. When he gets out of the hospital, he’ll be fitted with another bracelet, hopefully a fireproof one.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Darryl Hopson got into an altercation with a couple of women at a store. As the discussion got more and more heated, our bozo reached into his back pocket to retrieve his gun. He never quite got it out, however, as it went off just as he grabbed for it, in the process shooting him in the rear end. Police are investigating while our sore bozo recuperates.

The Force was definitely not with our bozos for today from Liberty, Indiana. When someone called the cops to report a UFO spotted over Highway 27, the police arrived and found no little green men, just a car full of bozos who were behaving strangely. A quick check of the license plates showed them to be stolen. Inside the car was found cocaine, marijuana and other drug paraphernalia. Unless their cell has a window, they won’t be seeing any UFO’s for a while.

Bozo criminal for today is "straight outta Compton", California. Bozo Steven Ford went on a "ride along" with a sheriff’s deputy, taking advantage of a program that allows anyone who has no felony convictions to ride along with an on duty officer. It seems our bozo must have really enjoyed the ride, because when the officer’s shift ended at 1 am, our bozo caught his back turned, hopped back into the cruiser and drove away. Not surprisingly, he didn’t get very far before he was stopped and charged with possession of a stolen vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 9087: Never underestimate Granny. From Toledo, Ohio comes the story of bozo Paul Hanks who walked up to a 91 year old grandmother and told her he was going to take her purse. Now, Granny didn’t have her hearing aid in and at first thought he said he was going to take her pulse. When she figured out just what he was trying to do, she was having none of it. In a scene right out of the old "Laugh-In" show, she began bashing him repeatedly over the head with her purse until he finally ran away. Police caught up with him a short time later and charged him with robbery, felony theft, assault, aggravated menacing and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, North Carolina where bozo Jermelle Caldwell was heading down to the courthouse to pay the fine of a friend. Don’t know what he was planning to do after stopping at the courthouse, but he certainly came loaded for bear. Which might explain why he freaked out when he rounded a corner inside the building and came face to face with the metal detector. He nervously told the deputies, "I’ve gotta go to the car." Unfortunately for him, the deputies decided to search him anyway, discovering 14 bags of marijuana and 10 bags of heroin in his pockets. He’s joined his friend in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Cornwall, Ontario, Canada. Bozo Scott Brown broke into the house of attorney Donald Jacobs and was rummaging around when he was confronted by the homeowner who managed to knock the knife out of his hand and pin him to the ground until the police arrived. And now for the bozo part. The attorney recognized our bozo’s face since he was one of his clients. When he was at the police station, our bozo was asked if he wanted to contact a lawyer. He did. And of course he tried to call the man whose house he had just broken into. He’s been advised to seek other council.

With the price of gasoline just getting higher and higher, we’re seeing more and more bozos getting into gas thievery, with usually disastrous results. Case in point, our bozo for today from Thurman, New York, where Glen Graham siphoned some gas from a dump truck. It was dark and our bozo couldn’t tell how full his container had become, so he did what any bozo would do, he fired up his lighter. The ensuing fire not only gave our bozo burns on the face and hands, a nearby forklift was also destroyed. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one. From Roswell, Georgia comes the story of Rodriquez Martin who hailed a taxi and asked for a ride to a nearby McDonalds. When they arrived at their destination our bozo pulled a gun and took $74 from the cabbie before fleeing on foot. Well, he didn’t exactly flee. As soon as he got out of the cab, the gun went off, shooting him in the foot. He was arrested after being released from the hospital.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Chucky Herrera was upset that a friend had been arrested by the New York cops. So he walked into the station house to inquire about what was going on. This would not have been such a bad idea except for one thing. Our bozo was wanted by the cops on robbery charges and his wanted picture was posted right there in the station house for everyone to see. An alert detective noticed the striking resemblance and placed our bozo under arrest.