Monthly Archives: March 2005

Another one from the "When you gotta go, you gotta go" file. From Santa Clara, California comes the story of bozo Frank Simmons who had been driving around all afternoon, drinking beer with one of his buddies. And right now they needed to find a restroom, and quick. But on this stretch of highway there were no convenience stores or service stations in sight. Suddenly they spotted a large bus. Thinking it was a Greyhound, our bozos began following it, hoping the driver would lead them to the depot where they could use its facilities. It looked like they were in luck as the bus slowed down and pulled into a large compound with the bozos in hot pursuit. But this place didn’t look much like a bus station. It had a tall fence around it and a security gate in front. Our bozos had followed a department of corrections bus transporting prisoners into the Elmwood Correctional Facility. Our bozo was arrested for DWI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manassas, Virginia where bozo Wayne Snider had big plans for holding up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. He went up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and said, "Give it up." The startled driver handed our bozo a large sack and he ran away. He’d only gone a short way before he discovered his terrible mistake. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck as it made its pickup at the bowling alley. And that sack contained not cash but a bunch of dirty mop heads.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Hood River, Oregon where bozo Lee Nance was arrested on suspicion of public indecency when the cops found him running around a parking lot in the nude. It was the reason he gave for being naked that won him the Bozo Excuse of the Month award. He told the police he was merely working on his tan because he was on a church softball team and was afraid that if he didn’t have a good base tan he would get sunburned. Sorry, we don’t think they have tanning beds in jail, either.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where the cops were investigating the robbery of a residence. They suspected a youngster was the culprit since, besides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence our bozo left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to drive the bus but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake and the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested our bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Intergalactic File. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Rene Joly, who brought a lawsuit against the Canadian Minister of Defense, Citibank, and several doctors, dentists, hospitals and drug store chains, claiming they are all part of a plot by the United States Government to murder him. Because he’s from Mars. He says he was cloned from Martian genetic material recovered by NASA in the ’60’s. He can’t prove it, though, because records of DNA tests performed on him have been falsified, or so he claims. The judge dismissed his case by saying that since our bozo was not human, he had no status before the court, which is exclusively for earthlings.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Seymour, Indiana where bozo Casey Carpenter stopped into the local florist, placed an order for his girlfriend, filled out a card and gave the clerk his girlfriend’s address. As the clerk went to the register, our bozo told her, "While you’re at it, give me the rest of your money." He got about $150 and fled. Investigating officers went to the girlfriend’s house, and while questioning her, who should show up but our bozo. He quickly confessed and was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pawtucket, Rhode Island where bozo Kenneth Barnhart planned on robbing an apartment. Needing a lookout to stand guard he took his brother along and positioned him outside the apartment. A neighbor noticed the suspicious activity, called the cops and then went outside to wait for the police to arrive. When they got there, our bozo lookout was standing next to the neighbor, mistaking him for his brother who was still ransacking the apartment. One thing we forgot to point out, the man our bozo crook had used to be his lookout, his brother, is legally blind. They’re both under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spearfish, South Dakota where 17 year old bozo Randy Hill stole a car. A while later our bozo stopped off at a restaurant in his stolen vehicle to get something to eat. While inside, he noticed a couple of police officers walking in. Thinking the jig was up, our bozo threw himself spread eagled on the floor in front of the cops and said, "Please don’t shoot me. The car is in the parking lot." The officers, who had simply stopped in for a cup of coffee were more than happy to arrest him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Spring, Texas where bozo Kirk Moore reported his car stolen to the police. A short time later the police spotted the vehicle in question and pulled the driver over. As fate would have it, our bozo, the one who reported the car stolen, was in the area and pulled up to claim the car as his. The officer on the scene ran a check on the vehicle’s license plates and, guess what, it turns out the car was stolen by our bozo before it was stolen from him. That’s right, he reported a stolen car as stolen. And to add to his problems, he was wanted on a parole violation. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bristol, England where bozo Nigel Firth had a hankering for a lobster dinner. And since he didn’t have the cash for the expensive crustaceans, he simply shoplifted a couple of them. By stuffing them down his pants and sprinting for the exit. Not a good idea. The lobsters were none too happy with their situation, so they did what lobsters do to defend themselves. They used their powerful claws to clamp down on whatever was available. Emergency medical technicians had to be called to pry the lobsters loose. Doctors say our bozo will recover but can give up hopes of ever becoming a papa. Thinking he had gone through enough pain, the supermarket manager declined to prosecute.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rivoli, Italy where bozo Eduard Lacque jumped into a car and forced the driver to hand over his cash. He then ordered the victim at gunpoint to drive him to his hometown. And since it was going to be a rather long trip, our bozo settled back into his seat, made himself comfortable and was soon sound asleep. Taking note of the situation, the victim instead drove to the nearest police station, where the cops woke up and arrested our bozo.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today provides us with our Bozo Excuse of the Month. From Wellington, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Peter Sanders who was arrested for dangerous driving after he switched his headlights off and swerved to the wrong side of the road. When a police officer asked him why he did that, he replied that he was an amateur astronomer, searching the sky for a black hole, and he could see better with his headlights off. His attorney said he hadn’t been taking his medication.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Huntsville, Texas where three very bored bozos noticed a large smoothing machine had been left in the apartment parking lot overnight by the crew that was resurfacing the lot. Thinking it might be fun to take it for a drive, our bozos fired it up at 1:45 in the morning at took it for a little spin. And to record the event for posterity, one bozo videotaped the whole thing. Of course this caused quit a bit of racket and the neighbors called the cops, but by the time the officers arrived the machine had been parked and our bozos had returned safely to their apartment. They might have gotten away with it except that they left their apartment door open and were watching the videotape and laughing and whooping it up as the officers happened to pass by.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Newburgh, New York where bozo Wayne Hamilton fled from the cops during a drug raid. He was rather fleet of foot and was putting some distance between himself and the police when he decided the best thing for him to do would be to find a safe place to hide. So he ducked into the foyer of a large building. The place he found was safe, all right, but not the best place to hide. He had stumbled into the foyer of the city’s northeast community police station. He’s been arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire where bozo Joshua Adams had plans to rob the local Osco Drug Store. And since he wanted to make sure they had plenty of oxycontin, his drug of choice, in stock, he called ahead and told the pharmacist he was on his way over to rob the place. Instead of checking his stock, the pharmacist called the cops who were waiting for our bozo when he arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where James Watson had vandalized more than 40 locations in the past month, spray painting graffiti on them. Police had no leads until our bozo slipped up and wrote one bit of graffiti that should never have seen the light of day. It was so bad that almost immediately after he wrote it his own ex-girlfriend called the cops and turned him in. And just what was it that our bozo wrote? He revealed the one thing that every woman wants to keep private. He wrote her name and beside it wrote her weight. And a note from your bozo webmaster to those of you expecting a comment on the current situation. Larry Lujack said it best, "The eagle does not hunt flies."

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas where bozo Mark Thompson stole a car stereo and an amplifier from a car parked in front of a tire store. And our bozo just couldn’t leave well enough alone. After stealing the stereo he broke a few bottles in the parking lot, tore up a few things and then, for his crowning achievement, he decided to moon the empty store. And how did the cops know he did this? Because of that rather large print he left on the store window. He left one other thing behind, also. His wallet which fell out when he dropped his pants. He’s under arrest.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina where bozo Greg Worthy broke into a 65 year old woman’s home and demanded money. The woman convinced our bozo that she had no money in the house but she would be glad to write him a check. But before she could do that, she would have to see some identification. He showed her his drivers license. After copying the information from it, she gave him a check and showed him the door. She then called the cops who went to the address she gave them and there they found our bozo, check in hand. He’s been arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Allen Glazier was caught driving a stolen Greyhound bus. Our bozo stole his first bus in Kansas, drove it to Jackson, Mississippi, where he stole another bus, drove it to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and stole yet another Greyhound and drove it to Memphis. Don’t know what he’s been doing for gas on the other buses, but it was a little stop at a truck stop that got him in trouble this time. After filling up the bus, our bozo told the attendant to "Bill it to Greyhound." While our bozo was waiting for his receipt, the cops were called.