Monthly Archives: April 2004

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in this one from Fort Worth, Texas where bozo Sharon Lang held up a bank and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. And after getting the money she went to a safe place to count it and perhaps hide it, right? Wrong. Instead she drove directly from the bank she robbed to her own bank where she tried to deposit the money into her account. When she opened her purse to take out the cash, the dye pack exploded, covering her and her money in pink. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which features Bozo Rule Number 4792: Don’t get married at the courthouse if you have outstanding warrants. From Bismarck, North Dakota comes the story of Bozo Cory Hamilton and his bride Daniella Karl who went down to the county courthouse last Friday to get married. One of the police officers there thought he recognized a member of the wedding party as a suspect in an ongoing investigation. He turned out to be wrong about that but while running a quick drivers license check he discovered that the groom was a wanted man. There were warrants out for him in Montana for writing bad checks. They let him get hitched before cuffing him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rob Holahan for sending in today’s report, which once again proves that bozos and food are a dangerous combination. From Bloomington, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Deandre Sloan who was spotted by the cops walking down the street, eating a pizza, at 4am. This seemed a little strange and, since he looked a little young, they stopped him to check if he was violating curfew. As they were talking to him, they noticed two push carts full of DVDs, a CD player and other items beside a nearby house. They checked with the residents of the house and sure enough it was their stuff. The officers also asked them to check their refrigerator. Yep, their pizza was missing. And the napkin he had wrapped the pizza in was from their house, too. Busted! He’s been charged with first degree burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington Beach, California where bozo Ronald Lynch stuck up a Bank of America branch, getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. Things were going well for him; he made a clean getaway without anyone coming after him. It was where he went after leaving the bank that got him into trouble. Police officers canvassing the area went into a nearby restaurant and noticed a man sitting at the bar, drinking a beer and counting a large stack of money. Yep, it’s our bozo. He’s under arrest and all the loot, minus the beer money, was recovered.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From Olympia, Washington comes the story of bozo Charles Clark who had what he thought was the perfect plan. He would rob a bank and then drive to Puget Sound, where he would don scuba gear and swim away with his loot to a safe hideout. The bank robbing part worked out ok, except that the wet suit he was wearing underneath his overcoat was bulky and slowed his exit somewhat. It slowed him enough that witnesses were able to call the cops and identify the type car he had driven away in. The cops caught up with him just as he jumped out of his car and started to make his way toward the water. He wasn’t exactly breaking any speed records, though, as he was carrying a weight belt, flippers, an air tank and regulator and his bag of cash. And of course it was really hot in that wet suit. Needless to say, he was captured before he ever got a chance to try out his gear.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kinston, North Carolina where bozo Reginald Sawyer’s heart may have been in the right place, but he went about things all wrong. Bozo Reginald dropped by his neighbor’s house and accused him of possessing stolen property, selling illegal lottery tickets and selling alcohol without a license. And, based on those charges, he was placing him under arrest (maybe he’d seen Gomer do the "citizen’s arrest" thing on the old Andy Griffith show). Our bozo whipped out a pair of handcuffs and slapped them on his neighbor before he even knew what was going on. He then forced him into his car and drove him to the county jail. When he presented him to the magistrate, he quickly determined that our bozo had no authority to make arrests and instead ordered him arrested. He’s been charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault and possession of a concealed weapon. And, by the way, our bozo had no key to those handcuffs. Firefighters using bolt cutters had to be called in to free the man.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alexandria, Virginia where an unidentified bozo decided he "needed" some cocaine one morning around 1 o’clock. So, he wandered into a housing complex and started knocking on doors at random, figuring sooner or later he’d find a dealer. Wrong. One of the residents directed him to Gerald Ford’s apartment (no, not that Gerald Ford). This Gerald Ford is part of the Alexandria Police Department’s "officer in residence" program and he lives in the complex. He answered the door and after he saw what our bozo was after, he asked him to wait on the porch for a minute. He went back inside and got his gun, badge and police radio. He also called for backup. Our bozo’s in jail.

Bozo criminal for today violated Basic Bozo Rule Number 0113: Don’t be too obvious. From Seattle, Washington comes the story of bozo Stanley Wilcox who stole an 8-ton cherry picker from a construction equipment dealership. Our bozo was caught when an employee of the dealership noticed the cherry picker sitting in our bozo’s front yard with a "For Sale" sign on it. The price, $28,990 or best offer. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Kendrick Glover was wanted by the cops after failing to surrender on charges of driving with a suspended license. Officers went to our bozo’s residence to arrest him and he began getting dressed, first putting on a pair of blue jeans, then abruptly taking them off and putting on another pair. The cops became suspicious and checked the discarded jeans, finding four bags of crack cocaine and a small amount of marijuana in the pockets. Felony crack charges and misdemeanor marijuana charges were added to our bozo’s rap sheet.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Crystal Gaines stole a checkbook and then headed down to the bank to try to cash one of the checks. Bad idea. And bad timing, too. As she was trying to convince a teller to take the check, the victim showed up to fill out paperwork about her stolen checkbook. A bank manager noticed what was happening and called the cops who arrived before our bozo even knew what was going on.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, New York where bozo Randy Wilson decided to play a little April Fools joke on his ex-wife. He invited her to come over to his house to see something. When she arrived, she saw our bozo hanging by his neck from a tree in his yard, an apparent suicide victim. He was actually secured by a harness and was in no danger, but before he could shout "April Fool" his ex had dialed 911 on her cell phone. The rescue crew was not amused. He’s been charged with "falsely reporting an incident" and faces up to a year in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Natron Fowler attempted to rob a deli. We say attempted because the owner was having none of it. He grabbed a giant salami and hit our bozo in the face with it, breaking his nose. Our bozo then fled the scene and attempted to hide in a car parked nearby. Talk about having a bad day, the car he chose belonged to an undercover police team who was on the hunt for another crook. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina where an unidentified bozo had his car stolen. In an effort to get it back, he posted a reward, offering illegal drugs to anyone who returned the vehicle. Of course, an ad like this attracted the attention of the police who came by to investigate and found he did indeed have an ample supply of illegal drugs to offer as a reward. He won’t be needing his car back, however, as he’s headed to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dee Wilkerson for sending in today’s report. From Orchards, Washington, comes the story of bozo Robert Griffin who was out of work and had always wanted to be a cop, so he decided to stop by the police station to apply for a job. As anyone who’s ever had to go on a job interview knows, filling out that job application can be stressful. So our bozo decided to have himself a drink or two before visiting the station house. Bad idea. The cops noticed the alcohol on his breath and after he had filled out his application and left, they pulled him over. He’s been ticketed for drunk driving. Guess he probably won’t be getting the job.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Prince William County, Virginia comes our story that proves that two bozo wrongs don’t make one bozo right. Bozo William Haynes broke into a car and stole the stereo, leaving his wallet and ID behind. The police quickly tracked him down and were conduting an interview outside his house when the bozo he sold the stereo to came up to complain that he couldn’t install it in his car. And he complained right in front of the officer, who was in full uniform at the time. And to top it off, the stolen stereo was in plain sight in the front seat of his car. They’re both under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Hart for sending in today’s report. From Fairfield, Iowa comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole the safe from the local Elks lodge. And since they were only thieves, and not safecrackers, they took the safe to a secluded place and called in an expert to open it up, right? Wrong. They drove into an open field, near a preschool, in the middle of the night and went to work on it. One of them held the flashlight while the other pounded on the safe with a hammer and a pry bar. As you might expect, police were called when neighbors complained about the pounding sound. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverdale, Utah where bozo Duane Carroll broke into a residence and had stolen some cookies and a power drill when the phone rang. And, like any bozo, he couldn’t leave a ringing phone alone, so he answered it. It was the homeowner’s daughter who immediately hung up and called her mom on her cell phone to tell her there was a man in her house. Mom called and again our bozo picked up. Mom quickly hung up and called the cops. The only calls our bozo will be taking for a while will be from his lawyer.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 13,087: Never drive backwards in front of a police station. Our bozo, Cassandra Adams, of Lodi, California, did just that. Apparently looking for a parking space, she started backing up and just kept on going, driving backwards for about 60 feet right in front of the station house. This attracted the attention of one of the officers who came out and asked to see her drivers license, which was obviously a fake. He then looked into the back of the vehicle where he found a small amount of drugs, several stolen items and the equipment for making the fake ID. She’s been driven directly to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma where bozo Dan Jernigan broke into a residence and rummaged around a bit before realizing just how tired he was. So, he did what any bozo would do. He climbed into the nearest bed. One problem, the residents of the house were in the bed at the time. They must have been sound sleepers, however, because they did not immediately wake up when he got in. After a few minutes, the husband noticed one too many pair of feet at the end of the bed. He awakened his wife and they slipped out and called the cops. Our exhausted bozo was still sleeping when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Avon Park, Florida where bozo Eddie Masters was an escaped con. He’d been living under an assumed name for 44 years, after he escaped from a Georgia prison work detail. Crime must run in the family because the other day bozo Eddie decided to visit his son who was in a Florida prison. One problem, when he dropped in to visit him, he wrote his real name, not his assumed one, on the visitor’s list. A routine check of the names identified him as a fugitive. He’s joined his son in prison.