Monthly Archives: February 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rob Holahan for sending in today’s report. From the Going Home Empty Handed division in Taopi, Minnesota comes the story of an unidentified group of bozos that broke into a bar by kicking in the back door. Once inside they looked for anything of value. The most intriguing item they found was a safe mounted to the counter, which they ripped off and carried out. Don’t know if they’ve gotten it open yet, but they are sure going to be disappointed when they do. According to the owner of the bar, the safe was empty except for a tube of denture adhesive. Gives a whole new meaning to taking a "bite" out of crime.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Salem, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Jeremy Michaelson who had a court appearance to determine his parole status after being charged with criminal mischief. Obviously, this was a very stressful time for our bozo and when the first recess of the morning came at 10:30 our bozo headed outside for a smoke. Only he needed something a little stronger than tobacco. So, he pulled a marijuana cigarette out of his pocket and lit up, in plain view of cops and court officials who where also outside for a smoke. Marijuana possession has been added to his parole violations.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Romania where fugitive Iosif Irimescu was on the run from the authorities. He was just 50 yards from the Romanian-Hungarian border when he saw a man and asked him how far he had to go on foot to get out of the country. After the man told him that he was only 50 yards away, our bozo then bragged that he had outwitted the authorities and was about to make his escape. Not so fast. The man he was bragging to was an off duty police officer who then offered to take him to the border. He led him to several police officers instead. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in the Yangtze Province of China. A female bozo there shoplifted a pair of pants from the local department store. After getting home, she discovered the pants were too long. So, she did what any bozo would do. She returned to the store to ask for the free alterations. The store manager recognized her as the thief and stalled her until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Harrisburg, Oregon comes the story of bozo Robert Hinkle who violated Bozo Rule Number 0034: Watch where you step. The cops spotted our bozo at three in the morning with the back of his pickup filled with irrigation pipe. Thinking this was not the time most farmers did irrigation equipment maintenance, the officers checked and discovered our bozo had cut through a fence and stolen the pipe, planning to sell the metal for scrap. Our bozo was taken to jail and several other officers remembered a similar case of pipe theft that had gone unsolved. Our bozo initially denied any involvement in the case…until an officer whipped out a crucial piece of evidence. A boot print left in a cow pattie at the other crime scene, which exactly matched our bozo’s boots. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ralph Lundgren for sending in today’s report. From Colorado Springs, Colorado comes the story of bozo Marco Lopez who dropped his jacket off at the dry cleaners, telling them he needed rush service and would be back to pick it up at 6 that evening. As employees were preparing it for cleaning, they noticed something sticking from the pocket. Upon further investigation it was discovered that our bozo had left cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine valued at over $8000 in the pockets. The cops where waiting when our bozo stopped back by.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dayton, Ohio where police were called to a local convenience store with a report of a break in. Upon arrival, the cops discovered the ATM machine had been taken. An eyewitness told them she had seen two men dragging the ATM out the back door. Taking a look down the alley, the cops were surprised to see a trail of ATM parts, including the sign, a light and a phone cord. The parts had fallen off as our bozos dragged the machine to their apartment nearby, giving the cops a perfect trail to follow. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain where an unidentified bozo was watching a Spanish version of "America’s Most Wanted." Perhaps wanting his fifteen minutes of fame, our bozo made a crank call to the show where he pretended to provide information about a murder case. Cops following up on his call discovered our bozo was quite an expert on crime. He’d been arrested 44 times for robbery and was wanted in connection with six more. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Long Island, New York comes the story of lonely bozo LaShawn Brunson who asked a woman he had met in a bar out for a date. She tentatively agreed but decided to check out his name on Google before meeting him at a local restaurant. The search engine revealed there was an FBI warrant out for our Romeo in conjunction with fraud allegations in Ohio. She called the cops and he was arrested while waiting for her at the restaurant.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0222: Know your target. From Mesa, Arizona comes the story of bozo Tony Hall who broke into a store called Extreme Surveillance and walked out with some electronic equipment. Perhaps our bozo didn’t notice, but Extreme Surveillance is a store selling state of the art surveillance equipment and every square inch of the store was visible to at least one video camera. Once the store turned the tape over to the cops, it was only a matter of hours before our bozo was arrested.

We can sympathize with today’s bozo but he went about things in the wrong way. From the International File in Tokyo, Japan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked up to a police booth with shotgun in hand and asked for directions to the office of a collection agency. The man told the cops he was tired of the constant harassing phone calls from them and wanted to "intimidate the staff". Not the best approach to solving his debt problems. The police charged him with illegal possession of a firearm.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who sent in this one from the International File in Amsterdam, Holland. It’s the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a Dutch cop’s cell phone right out of his parked patrol car. That in itself was stupid but it gets worse (or better). When the cop noticed his phone was missing, he used another officer’s cell to dial his own phone number. And much to his surprise, he heard it ringing in the pocket of our bozo who was still standing nearby. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Allentown, Pennsylvania where bozo Rico Carrera was stopped at a red light, chatting with a pedestrian on the corner. When the light turned green, the man in the car behind our bozo honked and shouted for him to either move on or pull over. This didn’t sit too well with bozo Rico and he shouted back and cursed before peeling out. Bad idea. The man in the car behind him was a police officer in an unmarked car. When he pulled Rico over, he discovered that our bozo was driving a stolen car. With a suspended license. With a large amount of cocaine in the car. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Terri Colburn for sending in today’s report. From Magnolia, Arkansas, comes the story of bozo Sam Toler who walked into a Wal-Mart and bought a pair of bolt cutters. Perfectly legal. But a few things aroused attention. First was the time of day, 4:30 in the morning. And second, the cashier noticed he was wearing handcuffs. And third, after buying the bolt cutters, he headed to the store’s restroom where he cut off the handcuffs. After checking him out, the clerk called the cops who arrested him in the parking lot. Turns out he’d been arrested in Louisiana the night before and was on the run after escaping from custody.

There’s a whole lot of bozo activity going on in today’s story, not all of it criminal, but a couple of folks did end up in jail, so here goes. From Centerville, Utah comes the story of an unidentified 20 year old bride who went shopping for makeup on her wedding day with her mom and her maid of honor. Sometime during the shopping trip, the maid of honor decided to tell the bride that she was "more than just friends" with the groom. And they’d been very friendly the night before. A big fight broke out in the parking lot and the bride was charged with assault. The bride then told the cops she’d like to have "a little chat" with the groom. The police thought it best that they accompany her on the visit. While they were chatting, the police ran a quick check on the groom and discovered he had several outstanding warrants. He’s now in jail, which might be the safest place for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Campinas, Brazil where an unidentified bozo lost two bags at the bus station when he sat them down on the platform and went to get himself a beer. So he did what any upstanding citizen would do when finding their luggage missing, he reported his loss to the police on duty at the station. Which would have been fine except for one thing. Those bags didn’t have any clothes in them; they were jam packed full of marijuana, nearly 125 kilos worth. And they absolutely reeked of the stuff. Security guards had smelled it and the cops had picked up the bags while our bozo was enjoying his brew. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, South Carolina where bozo Clyde Hampton’s stupidity has gone off the bozo charts. Our bozo walked into a liquor store, formed his hand into a gun shape, and pointed it at the clerk, telling him to empty the register. Realizing that his head was the emptiest thing around, the clerk simply walked outside and flagged down a car for help. The cops captured our bozo while he was still wandering around outside the store. Don’t know if they made him give up his "weapon."

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil where our crook violated Bozo Rule Number 5101: When committing a crime, it’s usually better to rob a place where they don’t know you. Our bozo donned a black mask and was carrying a gun when he entered the restaurant where he worked. The restaurant manager immediately recognized his voice and simply jerked the mask off and grabbed the gun. Our embarrassed bozo tried to escape but was quickly captured.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bill Acor for sending in today’s report. From Clayton, Missouri comes the story of a bozo who was caught on surveillance camera breaking into a liquor store. And what the camera caught was better than anything on Candid Camera. Our bozo came in through a window and then began gathering up liquor, a magazine and some cigarettes, all of which he placed into a bag. He then headed for the door, which we guess he forgot was locked. Anyway, he slammed face first into it, knocking himself to the floor. He then decided to head out the way he came in, through a window. Unfortunately before exiting, he threw the bag containing the booze through the window. The liquor bottles hit the ground and shattered and the magazine and cigarettes were soaked, too. He went home empty handed…and empty headed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnston, Rhode Island where bozo Troy Anderson held up a convenience store, getting away with some cash, coins and a few packs of cigarettes, all of which he dumped into a grocery bag. Our bozo left the scene on foot and the clerk quickly called the cops. It wasn’t quite like following the yellow brick road but it was easy enough for the officers to track down our bozo. They simply followed a trail of coins that had spilled from his sack as he walked to his apartment two blocks away. He’s under arrest.