Bozo criminals for today come from Berkeley, California where bozos John Wright and Phillip Tucker held up two armored car guards as they approached an ATM machine, grabbing a couple of bank deposit bags and fleeing on foot. Maybe they didn’t notice the bags seemed a little light. The guards were not there to stock the machine with cash. They were there to collect the day’s deposits. The bags were just like our bozos brains, empty.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report. From Parma, Michigan comes the story of bozos Ron Holland and Ken Sloan who broke into a farmhouse and stole several items, including cash, power tools and a couple of handheld two way radios. But they failed to steal the farmer’s scanner radio and that proved to be their downfall. On the evening of the break in the farmer had his scanner tuned to the two way radios’ frequency and he heard our bozos talking about their successful robbery on those stolen radios. And they also mentioned names, which were familiar ones to the local police chief. They’ll learn to keep their mouths shut. They’re now under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Helsinki, Finland where an unidentified bozo had been on a crime spree, holding up several convenience stores, taking cash, beer and cigarettes. His little life of crime came to an abrupt halt when he pulled off a robbery and then jumped into a parked car in front of the store, apparently planning to use it as a getaway vehicle. Unfortunately for him, an off duty police officer was sitting in the car at the time. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Upper Darby, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Allen Hardy who walked into the local convenience store dressed in a Tigger costume. That’s right. Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. A complete costume including head and tail. This getup didn’t exactly strike fear in the heart of the sales clerk. And when he tossed a note her way that said, "$25,000 please, I have a bomb," she knew she was dealing with a bozo. She told him she didn’t have quite that much in the register and proceeded to ignore him (as much as you can ignore someone in a Tigger suit). He finally got discouraged and left. Cops later spotted Tigger strolling through the neighborhood and arrested him.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Terri Colburn for sending in today’s report. From Grand Junction, Colorado comes the story of eight teenage bozos who thought it might be fun to vandalize a police car. They smeared butter and mustard all over the vehicle and wrote a couple of offensive messages on the car in mustard. And then they left behind a trail of used butter pads and mustard packets leading to an nearby house. Investigating officers found one of the suspects passed out on a trampoline outside and the others inside. Along with several cases of condiments. They were ticketed.
Our story for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From the International File in Jesi, Italy comes the story of a lovesick bozo who stole an ambulance. No, it was not to take his sick lover to the hospital. Instead Romeo drove the ambulance to his lover’s flat, turned on the siren and began singing romantic love songs. Neighbors called the cops who came over and arrested our bozo for disturbing the peace but not before asking him why he used the siren to serenade his girlfriend. He said he couldn’t play any musical instrument and he wanted a memorable way to romance his girl. It was memorable all right, but for all the wrong reasons.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Stair for alerting us to this one. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo David Hughes who perhaps should have invested in a map before embarking on a life of crime. Our bozo held up a bank near Cedar Bluff Road in Knoxville. After getting his money, he fled in his car. But he soon became confused by the labyrinth of roads in the area and spent some time driving around in circles. About 45 minutes later, as the police were investigating, who should pull into the bank’s back parking lot but our hopelessly lost bozo. Talk about returning to the scene of the crime. He’s under arrest.
Our bozos for today aren’t criminals but they were certainly lucky they didn’t get arrested. From the International File in Jerusalem comes the story of an Israeli policeman who was responding to neighbors complaints of a rowdy party next door. When the officer arrived he found a room full of partying women who were happy to see him. Too happy, in fact. The women rushed up to the officer, touching and grabbing him and trying to get him to dance. It was a "girls only" party and they had called a service requesting a male exotic dancer in a policeman’s uniform and they thought he had arrived. Oops. The "ladies" had ripped off the officer’s shirt and untied his shoelaces before his partner came in and helped to straighten out the whole situation. No charges were filed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lawrence Torres for sending in today’s report. From Metarie, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Ashley Walker who stole a purse from a car and then used one of the checks from that purse to purchase some groceries. Unfortunately she picked absolutely the wrong check out line. When she handed the check to cashier Gennifer Roberts, Ms. Roberts thought the check style looked familiar. Then she noticed her own name on the check. A check that was in her purse when it was stolen. When she asked our bozo for her ID, she received her own drivers license instead. Roberts excused herself, saying she had to get the manager’s approval on the check. Actually she called the cops who arrived while our bozo was still waiting at the checkout.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From the International File on the Greek island of Rhodes comes the story of an unidentified bozo who held up the bank there, getting away with 15,000 Euros. Well, almost getting away. When he got to his getaway car he realized he’d left his keys behind in the bank. Of course he then fled on foot, right? Wrong. Instead he returned to the scene of the crime to retrieve them. Only this time bank personnel realized they were dealing with a bozo and overpowered and held him until police arrived.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rich Hagy for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Michael Freed who called 911 several times, saying he was drunk and needed a cup of coffee. The 911 operator told him that didn’t exactly qualify as an emergency. But our bozo wouldn’t give up. He kept calling saying he was really drunk and really needed that cup of coffee. Finally a squad car was dispatched to our bozo’s house. Just in time to find him attempting to drive himself to get that cup of coffee. He was right about the drunk part. He’s under arrest for DUI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Scotia, New York where bozo Melinda Carver burglarized her aunt and uncle’s home. She had parked her getaway car a couple of blocks away so as not to arouse suspicion and when she left with her loot she realized she had forgotten just where she parked it. So she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She called 911 and reported it as stolen. The cops found the car right where she had parked it and arrested her after he story began to fall apart.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Quilpue, Chile comes the story of a gang of bozos who posed a wealthy executives, planning to buy a large amount of expensive electronic equipment with fake checks. But something about one of our bozos made the store manager suspicious and he called the cops. And what was it that tipped him off? Even though our bozo said he was rich and was wearing a very expensive suit, his rotten black front tooth gave him away. Maybe he can get some cheap dental work done in jail.
Our bozo criminal for today once again proves that bozos and dogs just don’t mix. From the International File in Munich, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who brought his dog along with him to a department store where he shoplifted a $4 pair of socks. A security guard who spotted him was bitten on the leg by the dog as our bozo tried to flee. He was quickly apprehended but the dog complicated the case. Ordinarily he would have been tried for shoplifting but the prosecutors successfully argued that the dog should be considered a dangerous weapon. The charge was upped to armed robbery which carries a three year jail term.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Baia Sprie, Romania where an unidentified bozo broke into a pub with the intention of stealing some cash. Along the way, however, he was distracted by the pub’s outstanding selection of fine liquors and decided to sample a few for himself. He sampled a few too many and was soon passed out at the bar where the owner found him the following morning. Police were called, and to add insult to injury, the owner of the pub handed our bozo a bar bill of $98.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From Ala Moana, Hawaii comes the story of bozo Kelly Lee who flagged down a police officer and told him she had locked the keys in her car and could he please help her out? Something in her story didn’t seem right so the officer ran a quick check on the car’s license plate. You guessed it, our bozo was driving a stolen vehicle. She’s under arrest.
Another Texas bozo for you today. From Athens, Texas comes the story of bozo Ray Morgan who just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Our bozo had just been sentenced to eight years for aggravated assault by judge Jim Parsons when he shouted, "Hey, Judge, look at this!" He then proceeded to drop his pants and moon the judge and the whole courtroom. Bad idea. The judge tacked an additional six months onto his sentence.
Bozo criminal for today may not technically be a criminal but his actions prove he’s a bozo. From the Anti War file in Olympia, Washington comes the story of bozo Jody Miller who wanted to protest U.S. involvement in the war in Iraq by chaining himself to a U.S. Department of Energy building. However, he was somewhat confused about just which building it was and he mistakenly padlocked himself to a building housing an organization that helps farmers and rural residents. After he discovered his error, he also discovered that he didn’t have the key to his padlock. Police brought in heavy duty bolt cutters and sent him home.
No bozo for today. Pray for our troops.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Larry Bass who sent in our report for today. From Myrtle Springs, Texas comes the story of an unidentified pair of bozos who broke into the Texas Department of Transportation construction field office on IH-20. They cleaned out the office, taking two computers, power tools and a water pump. Then they loaded all their loot in a couple of contractor wheelbarrows which they found on site and proceeded to roll away with their stuff. Unfortunately the sandy soil left a visible trail of wheelbarrow tracks which deputies were able to follow all the way to our bozo’s home, where they saw a wheelbarrow propped up against the house. Busted!