Yearly Archives: 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Shane Easley who had escaped from a nearby prison. Needing a place to crash, our bozo checked into the local Comfort Inn. When the clerk asked for identification, our bozo presented the only one he had, his prison ID. The clerk, who had heard about the escape, first gave him a room and then called the cops. When the police arrived, they found a woman in the room but no bozo. She told them he had gone to the liquor store. When he returned from his beer run he was taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank, flashed a gun and demanded cash. Bank employees said he seemed a little nervous, a little fidgety. In fact, he left the building before getting his cash. Maybe he left because it dawned on him that he had locked his keys in his rusty old pickup outside. After a couple of minutes of trying in vain to get inside, he walked over to a nearby house and asked for a coat hanger. Suspecting that something was up, they wouldn’t give him one. Finally, getting desperate, our bozo took out his gun, broke the window and drove away. Not only did he not leave with any money, the window is probably going to cost more to fix than the old truck is worth.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Terry Romanishen for sending in today’s report. From Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada coems the story of bozo Robert Martin who made a number of errors in his quest to rob a gas station. First, he ran out of gas before he ever got there, leaving himself stranded on the side of the road in a stolen car. Driving the stolen car to the robbery was his second error. And his third and fatal error was flagging down a patrol car that passed by. The cops ran a quick license check, discovered the car was stolen and arrested our bozo.

Another story today that helps to confirm that bozos and cell phones just don’t mix. From Hicksville, New York comes the story of 19 year old bozo Ryan Barker who, with the help of an accomplice broke into a residence. As they were ransacking the place, bozo Ryan accidentally hit the redial button on his cell phone. The call went to the voice mail of a girlfriend of the victim, who our bozo had called earlier in the day. The tape contained audio of our bozo and his friend casually chatting about the items they were stealing. Later, when the girlfriend checked her voice mail, she realized what was going on and called the cops. They tracked down our bozo and found the loot still in his car.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Ilott for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Charles Peters who was cruising around Gatwick airport looking for bags to steal. And of all the bags to select, our bozo picked the worst possible one. He grabbed the bag of former world super middleweight champion Nigel Benn. Needless to say, the former champ didn’t take the idea of his bag being stolen lightly. He gave chase and held our bozo in a firm headlock until the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1108: Eat a hearty lunch before attempting your crime. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of bozo Frank Spencer who held up the local branch of Guaranty Bank, getting away with about $5000. He left the bank and was trying to hail a taxi when it occurred to him he hadn’t had lunch. So he went into the B&B Smokehouse near the bank and ordered himself the $5.99 "Po-Boy and fries" lunch special. He was sitting at a table enjoying his lunch when the cops arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jamie Axthelm for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Arnsberg, Germany comes the story of a bozo who suffered the ultimate humiliation. He broke into a doctor’s office, climbing in through a skylight. When it came time to leave our bozo noticed, much to his distress, that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. After attempts to escape via doors and windows failed, he did the only thing left to do. He called the police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him before locking him up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marsfield, Wisconsin where bozo Joel Porter put on a mask, walked into a pharmacy, strolled up to the counter, configured his fingers into a gun shape, pointed them at the cashier and demanded money. Not surprisingly, the cashier said "You’ve got to be kidding" and reached over and grabbed his gun, er, his hand. He also pulled off our bozo’s mask to reveal him as someone known to the pharmacist for forging prescriptions. Our bozo fled, but the cops soon tracked him down and arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkart, County Indiana where bozo James Huffman was sick and tired of being in jail. So he came up with a plan to escape. He thought it out thoroughly until he was sure the plan was perfect. Then he put his plan into action. He loosened the window of his jail cell and started to climb through. Freedom was so near he could almost taste it. And then it happened. He got stuck. He couldn’t get out and worst of all he couldn’t back himself back in. So there he was, stuck, for everyone to see, half in and half out of the jailhouse window. The guards couldn’t get him out, either. Firefighters had to be called, our bozo was freed and moved to a cell without a window.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kassel, Germany where bozo Otto Schmidt was picked up by police for questioning on theft charges. It was when they took him to his residence to look for evidence that our bozo noticed the investigating officer’s glasses. A really nice designer pair laying behind the front seat. When he thought no one was looking our bozo snatched them. Right out of the police car. He got away with them, too. For a little while at least, until the officer needed them and noticed they were missing. A quick trip back to our bozo’s house turned them up. He was only under suspicion for theft, now he’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tom Naras for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Dalry, Scotland comes the story of Bozo John Cole, who was just trying to help out a friend. Knowing that his friend had had a little too much to drink, our good samaritan bozo offered to drive him home. When they were pulled over for a traffic violation, our bozo decided to give the officer a false name. And that’s when his drunk friend came to, shouting, "That’s not his name!" The policeman had already figured that out, since our bozo had his name "John" written on his knuckles. He was fined for giving false information to the police and for driving without insurance.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Adam Mair for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Waterford, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Andre Passot who had a little too much to drink and lost control of his car, sending it crashing into a residence. The car wasn’t damaged too badly and our bozo wasn’t injured, so he just put the thing in reverse and headed home, thinking no one had seen a thing. Things would perhaps have worked out for him except for one minor detail. The impact of the crash knocked off the car’s license plate, which was left behind at the accident scene. He’s facing charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alexandria, Louisiana where bozo Sandra Hampton should learn she can’t believe everything she sees on TV. When the cops tried to pull our bozo over on a traffic violation, she led them on a high speed chase across the city until she finally pulled into the driveway of her home. She jumped out of her car thinking she was safe because she had once seen something on TV that led her to believe she couldn’t be arrested at home. She was wrong. Maybe she can hire Matlock as her attorney.

Bozo criminal for today comes form Grants Pass, Oregon where bozo Tom Harrigan burglarized a store. The police had no trouble tracking him down, however. When our bozo stepped out of the store, he stepped right into some wet paint. He left a trail of footprints all the way back to his room at a nearby hotel.

Our bozo for today isn’t technically a criminal but there’s no doubt he’s a certified bozo. From the International File in Shenzhen, China comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was flying for the first time in his life. A short time into the flight he felt the need to spit. Noticing that the windows wouldn’t roll down, he got up and headed to the door at the back of the plane. He managed to open an inner cover plate before he was corralled by flight attendants. Don’t know if he ever got to spit. We do know he was arrested upon arrival.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Nay-Tah-Waush, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Shawn Tucker who had some marijuana he needed to sell. He was cruising around town one evening when he noticed a dude on a motorcycle. He motioned for him to pull over, making a smoking motion with his thumb and fingers at his mouth. The biker pulled over but not to make the buy. The man underneath the motorcycle helmet was the town sheriff. Uh-oh. Our bozo is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom seen thespian file. From Bogota, Colombia comes the story of bozo soap opera actor Gregorio Parra who wanted a part in director Emilio Marlle’s new film. So he had his agent set up an audition, right? Wrong. Instead our bozo grabbed a prop gun, put on a mask and sneaked onto the director’s film set. He grabbed the director and ordered him to go with him. Thinking it was a kidnapping, the director didn’t resist. When they arrived at the "getaway car" our bozo whipped off his mask and said something about how he’d be perfect for a role in the director’s new movie. Don’t bet on it. The director called the cops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Maldon, Australia comes the story of a couple of bozo would be Romeos who spent a little too long in the local bar. After a few too many beers they decided that they were just what the women in a nearby prison needed. In what must have sounded like a good idea at the time they formulated a plan whereby they would break into the prison so the love starved women inside could take full advantage of them. Not gonna happen. They never got past the front gate.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Bogota, Colombia where five Colombian bozos stowed away on a ship they thought was bound for Miami. When the ship pulled into dock five days later, our bozos burst jubilantly from hiding, celebrating their newly found freedom only to discover that the ship had encountered mechanical problems and hadn’t yet made it out of Colombia. Oops. They were paraded in front of local media before being put on a bus headed back to their hometown.

Bozo criminals for today come from Dearborn, Michigan where a couple of unidentified bozos ran up almost a $100 tab at the local TGI Friday’s before walking out without paying. Cops had no trouble tracking them down as before they walked out they filled out two separate applications for Friday’s frequent diner awards program. And of course those applications had their name and home address on them.