Yearly Archives: 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Ohio where bozo Pamela Ralston was in possession of a stolen check. She used that check to buy groceries at the local supermarket and she might have gotten away with it all except for one thing. She decided to double dip. In addition to using the stolen check to buy groceries, she also used her supermarket discount card to save a few extra bucks. When authorities realized the check was stolen, it was easy to track it back to our bozo using the information she gave when she applied for the discount card. Oops. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Barcus for sending in today’s report. From Pasadena, Texas comes the story of bozo Rene Carta who made a number of mistakes last week. First, he took a car for a test drive from a dealership and never returned. Second, he used that car when he held up a bank. And third, he left his drivers license behind at the dealership when he took the car. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vienna, Austria where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank dressed as a woman, complete with high heels. He flashed a gun and demanded cash. After he got his money he walked gingerly out of the bank, teetering on those high heels. And that’s when he troubles began. A town employee, passing by on a lawn mower, had seen the whole thing and quickly gave chase. And in case you’re wondering, a man in a dress and high heels loses to a guy on a John Deere every time. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Unger for sending in today’s report. From Vernon, British Columbia, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Hanson who held up a flower shop, getting away with a small amount of cash. Our bozo immediately took the money and went next door to the 7-11 to pick up some much needed supplies (probably a beer). As he was walking out he remembered he had left something important behind in the flower shop so he returned to pick it up. Bad idea. The police were already there investigating. And just what was it that was so important that he had left behind? His gun.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3311: When planning an escape, it’s usually a good idea to make the big guys go last. From the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of a group of prisoners who where attempting a mass jail break through a 12 inch diameter hole they had punched in the ceiling. Five of them had made it through when bozo Roque Vivas made his attempt. Now, Roque weighs about 225 and that 12 inch diameter hole was way too small for him but he gave it a try anyway. And of course you know what happened. He got stuck. The two dozen other prisoners that were hoping to escape had to put their plans on hold and call for prison guards to help free our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Beijing, China where an unidentified bozo burglar was rifling through an office on the 22nd floor of a high rise office building when he heard security guards approaching. Thinking quickly, he grabbed a computer cable, tied it around his waist and jumped out the window, hoping to climb down the cable to the 21st story below. Maybe he should have done some measuring before he jumped. The cable was too short to reach the floor below and he couldn’t get a good enough grip on it to climb back up to the 22nd floor. So there he was, stuck, hanging by a computer cable outside the building. For two hours before he was spotted, rescued and arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from New Castle, Delaware where bozos Jonathan Rodriguez and Joseph Dorsey were going to break into a home. Our bozos stormed up to the front door and bozo Jonathan, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to knock on the front door with the butt of his pistol. The gun went off and shot him in the groin. His bozo partner helped him to the car and drove him to the hospital. The frightened homeowners, who were inside, called the cops and they were waiting at the nearby hospital when our bozos arrived.

We’ve said it time and time again, if you’re going to use a hold up note in your robbery, you need to work on your penmanship, but our bozos never seem to learn. From Mishawaka, Indiana comes the story of a couple of unidentified bozos who walked into a 7-11 and handed the clerk a hold up note. After looking at it for a moment, the clerk told them she couldn’t decipher it and handed it back. One of our bozos took a look at it and said he couldn’t read it either, because of his partner’s bad handwriting. He then started yelling at his buddy and it soon escalated into a full fledged shouting match. They continued arguing as they left the store empty handed.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 9432: When you’re wanted by the law, it’s a good idea to keep your fingers to yourself. From the International File in Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Gene Francis who was driving without a seatbelt. When a passing motorist noticed and motioned to him to buckle up, our bozo was none too pleased and flashed an obscene gesture back at him. Bad idea. Turns out the good samaritan was an off duty police officer. He pulled him over, told him who he was and ran a quick check on our bozo’s license. When he found that his license had been suspended since 1999, he placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Demetrius Morgan who was in jail on murder charges. While he was there he came up with what he thought would be the perfect alibi. He wrote a letter to a friend on the outside and asked him for an alibi on the evening of the murder. His little plan might have worked except that he didn’t have his friend’s correct address and he forgot to put enough postage on the letter. It was returned to the prison where it was read by jail guards. Our bozo has now confessed.

Thanks to several bozo news hawks for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Phnom Penh, Cambodia comes the story of bozo Khim Sakhorn who went to a home in the city to demand money and pills from an amphetamine dealer. Our bozo pulled the pin on a hand grenade and used it to threaten the dealer. Figuring he meant business, the dealer handed over the cash and drugs. Our bozo grabbed them, put the grenade in his pocket and headed back to his motorcycle to make his getaway. He never made it. He forgot to put the pin back into the grenade.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Carter for sending in today’s report. From Austin, Minnesota comes the story of a couple of teenage bozos who were trying to call their pot dealer. Somehow, they dialed the wrong number and, boy, was it the wrong number, they got the cell phone of the Mower County sheriff. After one of our bozos asked for a bag of marijuana, the sheriff identified himself. Our bozo simply said, "I’m sorry," and hung up. They must have really needed that pot as a few minutes later they called back and again asked for a bag of pot. This time the sheriff played along and set up a meeting at a nearby convenience store where our bozos were arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of three unidentified bozos who were speeding down the freeway, carrying cocaine, drug paraphernalia and $1000 in cash in their car. Suddenly they came upon what they thought was a toll booth. They slowed down and then decided to speed on through. Bad idea. What they thought was a toll booth was actually the guard house at the entrance of MacDill Air Force Base. They were quickly swarmed by military vehicles and uniformed guards carrying machine guns. They’ve been turned over to Tampa police.

Bozo criminal for today was very full of himself–maybe too full. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo David Vance who boarded a plane bound for North Carolina. Our bozo plopped down into his seat and immediately began bragging to his seat mate that he was an undercover federal sky marshall and that there was nothing to worry about on the flight. The other passenger was very interested in what our bozo had to say because he was in fact the federal sky marshall on that plane. When the flight landed he identified himself and arrested our bozo.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Decatur, Georgia comes the story of bozo Ben Kaminsky who was in a group of about a dozen inmates who were awaiting their hearing and were taken into an adjoining room to speak with their attorneys. Our bozo asked permission to go to the rest room and that’s when he hatched his plan. He climbed into the crawl space in the ceiling and crept ever so carefully on his way to freedom. He didn’t quite make it, though. The ceiling gave way at the worst possible time, sending him falling into the judge’s chambers, landing right in front of the judge’s desk. He’s back behind bars.

We know being a Bozo Criminal is hard work but this is ridiculous. From Largo, Florida comes the story of bozo Don Walters who walked into a bank, perhaps with the intention of robbing it, we don’t know. What we do know is his plan got a little sidetracked. After entering the bank he walked into the men’s restroom. While inside, he removed his pants, underwear and socks. This rigorous activity obviously tired him out as he then walked through the bank and into a private kitchen area where he proceeded to lie down on a couch and fall sound asleep. When police officers arrived to arrest him, he told them, "This is the bar. Go away!" He’s seeing other bars now. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo attempted to steal some items from a convenience store. This was one of those "smash and grab" robberies where the thief breaks in and quickly grabs as much merchandise as he can before fleeing. Our bozo was in the process of grabbing his goodies when his little finger became lodged in a wooden rack. It was stuck tight and try as he might, he couldn’t free it. And the rack was bolted down, so it wasn’t going anywhere, either. Someone called the cops who had to call the fire department to come down and free his pinky before he could be arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where police on a late night patrol came across a bozo struggling to push a wheelbarrow up the street. And the reason he was struggling so much was that there was a refrigerator loaded into the wheelbarrow. And at 3 o’clock in the morning a bozo pushing a refrigerator in a wheelbarrow down the street is going to attract a little attention. And when the officers opened the door, the fridge was still cold inside. He’s under arrest for theft. And one other thing, when they loaded him and his fridge into the van to take him downtown, he thought they were giving him a lift home and complained they were driving in the wrong direction.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Janesville, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Chuck Alexander who spotted a high tech gizmo sitting on the front porch of a home. He wasn’t sure what it was but it looked kind of cool and he was sure it was very expensive. So he scooped it up and headed on his way, probably planning to take it to the pawn shop to see what it would bring. Before he had a chance to do that, however, the cops came knocking at his door with an arrest warrant for theft. You see, the high tech gizmo our bozo stole was a $2500 computerized tracking device used to keep track of jail prisoners on home detention. It also led the cops straight to our bozo’s door.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Gary Lambert had an elaborate plan for robbing a sporting goods store. He and his accomplices spent at least a week digging a tunnel underneath the store. Using chisels and sledgehammers they dug a five foot wide, forty foot long tunnel, reinforced with wooden pallets. Finally, they burst through the floor of the store. Our bozo was in the process of gathering up an armful of Tampa Bay football jerseys when the police pulled up. After all that careful preparation and all that work digging the tunnel, our bozo had failed to notice that the store had a motion detecting burglar alarm.