Yearly Archives: 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Royal, Virginia where there’s considerable evidence that our bozo crook should consider another profession. First, while bozo Edward Blaine did succeed in holding up a bank, he lost much of his loot as he ran out of the bank, with the cash flying from his overstuffed pockets. When he got to his getaway car, he discovered that he had locked his keys inside. So he picked up a nearby log and began beating on the car window to try to break in. Not surprisingly, this drew the attention of onlookers who gave chase. As he was fleeing, he then pulled his gun and fired a shot at them. His marksmanship skills must also be lacking, as instead of hitting them, he shot himself in the leg. He’s now in jail.

What is it about Bozos and food? A rash of bozos in recent days have been foiled by hunger and today’s story is no exception. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of a gang of three bozos who kidnapped a multi-millionaire businessman with the idea of holding him for ransom. They whisked him away to a local hotel to wait. Their plot began to fall apart when they decided to have a pizza delivered in and charged the pizza to the kidnapped man’s credit card. Cops used the card info to track down and arrest our bozos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report from the International File in Vladimir, Russia. An unidentified bozo there walked into an electronics store, grabbed a TV off the shelf and quickly sprinted for the door. While the store’s employees got a good look at him, he vanished down the busy street before any of them could catch him. The clerks were amazed a couple of days later when our bozo walked back into the store, this time pretending to be an angry customer, claiming the store had failed to give him the remote control, a warranty, the antenna and the instruction manual for a TV he had just purchased He was still waiting for his stuff when the cops arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Franklin, Indiana where bozo Kevin Mason was in prison with one year left to go on his sentence. Wanting to get revenge on the prosecutor and the judge who put him behind bars, our bozo sent them threatening letters with a powdery substance in them. He even went so far as to label the packet with the powder "Anthrax", but of course it wasn’t. It was sugar from the jail cafeteria. Our bozo made it really simple for investigators to track him down. He put his name and jailhouse return address on the envelope. He’s had an extra eight years added to his sentence.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Vienna, Austria where a couple of bozos entered a photo shop to pick up their holiday pictures. While the salesperson went to the back to get the photos, one of the bozos distracted the other sales person while his bozo partner slipped an expensive digital camera into his pocket. In their haste to get away, however, they failed to pick up the photos that they came in for in the first place. Photos that made it really easy of the cops to trace down and arrest them.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Greeley, Colorado comes the story of bozo Donald Arquette who made a couple of fatal errors as he embarked on a life of crime. First, he held up a convenience store where he was a regular customer. Even though he covered his face with surgical gauze, the clerk there thought she recognized his voice, so the cops brought him in for questioning. It might have gone no further than that had not hunger caused our bozo to make his second mistake. During interrogation, he gave one of the cops a $2 bill to buy him a snack. And this $2 bill just happened to be a marked one from the robbery. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today is definitely a bozo but in a way you’ve gotta admire his nerve. From Cedar Falls, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Bradley Burns who worked for a fast food restaurant. One evening instead of taking the day’s receipts to the bank like he was supposed to, he simply took off with them, about $2000 worth. He didn’t cover his trail very well, as the cops tracked him down a short time later. It was after he was in jail that he solidified his bozo status. He wrote a letter to the manager of the restaurant where he worked asking him to mail his final paycheck to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Grangetown, Middlesbrough, England comes the story of bozo Paul Raines who made a good living selling crack cocaine from his house. He was understandably upset when the cops decided to shut down drug dealing in his neighborhood. When they parked a drug awareness van directly across from his house, it was the last straw. He marched right over to the cops, introduced himself and berated them for their inconsiderate behavior, telling them they were putting him out of business. He even went so far as to tell them that they were forcing him to move his operations further down the street. The cops gave him a couple of days to get set up and then paid a little visit to his new location, catching him red handed with a pan of crack simmering on the stove. He’s now relocated again, this time to jail.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada comes the story of a 17 and 18 year old bozo team who ordered several pizzas and then accosted the delivery man, taking four pizzas as well as cash. Our bozos then spotted his car and decided, heck, they might as well steal that, too. Unfortunately, neither one of the teens could drive a standard transmission and after several failed attempts to get it to go, they went back to their original plan and fled on foot with the pizzas. The police arrived on the scene quickly enough to see one of our bozos entering the home where the pizzas were to have been delivered. The cops placed them under arrest and recovered the pizzas to boot.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story. From Marked Tree, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Michael Burns who broke into the downtown bank by smashing the glass door. Immediately upon entering the bank our bozo looked directly into the security camera, his first mistake. His second mistake was breaking in after hours when all the money was locked up. So he grabbed whatever he could find, a clock radio, a compact disc player and a fistful of the candy that bank employees give to children. Grabbing that candy was his third mistake. Eating it on the way home and leaving a trail of wrappers all the way to his trailer house was his fourth mistake. And the name of that candy that our bozo was so fond of? "Dum Dums" of course.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Spring Hill, Florida comes the story of bozo David Ortega and his girlfriend Cynthia Cavasos. This loving couple were the proud parents of the first child born in the New Year in Florida’s Hernando county, and were more than willing to pose for a picture and give an interview to a newspaper reporter. All of which would have been fine except Papa was wanted by the cops on a probation violation. One of the officers noticed his picture in the paper and paid a little visit to the maternity ward. Yep, our bozo was still there. Yep, he was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Howard Phillips who should perhaps consider moving to a warmer climate. On a recent chilly night in Topeka bozo Howard fled when confronted by the police during an attempted robbery. Seeking a place to hide, our bozo took refuge in the chilly waters of an outdoor swimming pool. Not a good idea. When the cops fished him out, he was blue and his body temperature had reached 87 degrees. He’s thawing out in a nice warm jail.

Bozo criminal for today isn’t really a criminal, but he’s so dumb it’s a crime. From Bennington, Vermont comes the story of 18 year old bozo Nicolas Parra who was arrested for reckless driving after his pickup sideswiped a utility pole. It was the reason he gave to the officers for the accident that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cop that there was a short in one of his truck’s stereo speaker wires and he deliberately ran into the pole, hoping to jar the speaker back into working order. Don’t know if it worked but we’re only sorry it didn’t jar any sense into him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Gaithersburg, Maryland where there had been a number of new appliances stolen from townhomes that were being built. Police were on the site investigating the theft of a refrigerator from one of the homes when they noticed our bozo Freddie Simon pull up in his pickup. He backed the truck up to the dumpster on the site and tossed in…a large cardboard box that the refrigerator he had stolen had come in. He’s under arrest.