Monthly Archives: February 2003

We’ve said it time and again, but it still holds true. A dog is man’s best friend unless that man happens to be a bozo. And it’s proven once again in our story for today from the International File in Baden-Wuerttemberg, Germany where an unidentified bozo used his pet dog, "Wolfi" as a lookout while he performed a number of burglaries. Wolfi would wait outside and bark a warning if anyone approached. Things were going well until our bozo decided to rob his own church. He was rummaging around inside when the priest arrived early to prepare mass and caught him. What happened to Wolfi, the guard dog? Wolfi knew the priest and didn’t bark. Good dog!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Great Falls, Montana where they’ve had lots of snow this year. And that snow, combined with his stupidity led to our bozo’s downfall. Trevor Lange broke into a house and stole a CD player, a car stereo and some speakers. Officers called to the scene noticed footprints leading from the broken window where our bozo had gained entrance to the house and police were able to follow those footprints in the freshly fallen snow all the way to his home. That in itself qualifies him as a bozo but it gets better. At the end of the trail of footprints, sitting outside on a window ledge was all the loot he had just stolen. Don’t know why he left it there but we do know he’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Ashland, Massachusetts where Leonard Greene and David Castro were driving around one evening looking for something to do. They spotted a residence with a bunch of cars parked around it and decided it could only mean one thing-party!! Bozo Leonard went in to check things out while his friend stayed in the car. Even though he didn’t recognize anyone there he helped himself to a drink and struck up a conversation with one of the guests. Guess he didn’t notice the picture of the local SWAT team on the fridge. Or notice that the sweatshirt the host was wearing said, "Burlington Police Academy" and had a drawing of a pair of handcuffs. Yep, it was a party in which about 20 cops were in attendance. One thing led to another and before you knew it our bozo had offered to bring in some psychedelic mushrooms and cocaine from the car. Sure, go get it, one of the officers told him. When he returned with the dope both he and his friend were placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. This one sounds like it might have come from a comedy sketch, but as always it’s 100% true. From McAlester, Oklahoma comes the story of 71 year old Kenneth Dixon who held up a bank by threatening the teller with his cane. He ordered her to fill a bag with cash, which she did. Bank employees then distracted our bozo and pulled the old switcheroonie. They exchanged the bag with cash for another one filled with paper. Our bozo came in with nothing and left the same way. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File, Thespian Division. From Loughton, Essex, England comes the story of bozo actor Kyle Hampton who was preparing for his role in a play that required him to use a sword. Thinking his swordsmanship needed a little work, he called on his fellow actors to work with him, right? Wrong. Maybe he asked some of his college roommates to help him practice? Nope. Keep in mind we’re dealing with a bozo here. He hid in the bushes near the theatre and jumped out in front of two joggers, waving his sword around. Unfortunately fo him, the two joggers were off duty policemen who took him in for questioning.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Torrington, Connecticut where the Bohemian Pub and Pizzeria was burglarized and about $2000 in cash stolen. Investigating officers discovered on other item was taken in the burglary-the bar tab of a regular customer was missing. The bartender told them this particular customer had been drinking at the bar all day before leaving at around 1 AM without paying. Figuring that only the owner of the tab would want to get rid of it, officers went to the suspect’s home. And there they found our bozo, Daniel Moore, sleeping it off with both the $2000 and the bar tab in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reading, Pennsylvania where bozo Eduardo Ramon was waiting to appear before a judge on charges of receiving stolen property. As you are no doubt aware, sometimes the wheels of justice turn rather slowly and that was the case this day. As time went by, our bozo became bored and decided to do something to amuse himself. He began carving his name into the courtroom bench. Bad, bad idea. A deputy noticed what he was doing and pointed it out to the judge, who immediately ordered him to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Santiago, Chile where two unidentified bozos held up a jewelry store and after the heist stopped by a bar for a drink. While there they decided to count up how much money they had gotten away with, sorting the cash into piles on the bar. Since the establishment is not in the best neighborhood a police officer stopped by and advised them not to display so much cash in public. It was when he stepped to the table that he noticed they also had jewelry falling from their pockets. When asked about the jewelry our bozos became extremely nervous and confessed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report, which proves once again that honesty is not necessarily the best policy when you’re a bozo. From Christiansburg, Virginia comes the story of bozo Edward Logan who walked into the Tyco Credit Union and told the teller, "Give me all your money. This is a robbery. I have no gun." Wanting to be sure she had heard him correctly, the teller asked our bozo to repeat himself. He did. She told him to get lost and called the cops. Police arrived to find our bozo still in his car, in the bank parking lot, trying to figure out exactly where he had gone wrong.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas where bozo Timothy Barnes didn’t have the best getaway plan when he broke out of jail. He scaled a fence and tried to get a ride from a motorist at a convenience store nearby. The driver recognized our bozo from his orange jumpsuit and from a news story he had heard. He sped away and called the cops on his cell phone. Thinking he needed a change of clothes, our bozo headed over to Baylor University where he broke into the Fine Arts Center. He then found his way to the theatre department’s costume closet where he exchanged his orange jumpsuit for something new. Unfortunately he selected a bright green ensemble that attracted even more attention to him. He was quickly spotted and captured by the cops who dubbed him the "Green Hornet."

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1115: Before embarking on a life of crime, get a computer with a spell checker. From Hickory, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Kathy Nolan and her daughter Amanda. They came up with the bright idea of printing counterfeit payroll checks with the plan of cashing them to make a quick profit. North Carolina is furniture manufacturing country so they made up a payroll check from the Broyhill Furniture Company and presented it for cashing at a grocery store. Only one problem, they misspelled Broyhill. Ever heard of the Boryhill Furniture Company? Neither had the clerk who called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hannibal, Missouri where bozo Mark Osteen may not only be a stupid crook, he may also be the world’s worst driver. Bozo Mark was wanted by the cops for a probation violation and when the police tried to take him into custody he fled in his car, with the cops in hot pursuit. Before long our bozo crashed the vehicle, jumped out and stole another one only to crash it as well. This process continued through six vehicles, from a Saturn sedan to a flatbed truck, with our bozo either crashing or abandoning them all before finally being taken into custody. Maybe he can take driver’s ed in prison.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from our own backyard. From Mineral Wells, Texas comes the story of bozo Peter Cook who made several mistakes in his bozo crime spree. First, he broke into a store owned by the wife of the county’s district attorney. Second, after emptying the cash register he used the store’s restroom, leaving his gun on the bathroom counter. And third, on his way out, he decided to give a big bed that is part of the store’s display a try. You guessed it, within seconds he was sound asleep. And he was still there when store employees opened up the next morning. His final mistake came when police officers arrived and woke him up. He shouted at them "Hey, I was asleep!" He’s now snoozing in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Lee Henning held up a bank, getting away with a bag full of cash and shouting on his way out, "I’m the Silver Wolf! God bless!" Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have the smarts of a wolf. After completing the job he calmly walked down the street to the Le Central Bistro. Still wearing his desert camo fatigues and carrying two bulging duffel bags, he sat down and ordered smoked salmon and a glass of red wine before heading to the restroom. He emerged a few minutes later wearing a black turtleneck, black sunglasses and a woman’s black hat. While that might not attract attention in San Francisco, the employees did notice several police cars buzzing around and they decided to call 911 to find out what all the fuss was about. When they told them about the robbery, the wait staff said they had their bozo right there. He was arrested before he finished his wine.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Liverpool, England. Bozos John Hamby and George Smith stole an Alfa Romeo automobile and were cruising around town in it when they were spotted by a police officer. Trying to avoid a high speed chase, a police helicopter was dispatched to follow the car. Don’t know if our bozos spotted the helicopter or if they just got tired of driving around but they decided to ditch the car. They pulled into a parking lot and casually walked away. Well, they didn’t walk very far. They had selected the police station parking lot to ditch the car in. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Breda, The Netherlands comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was upset upon returning home to find his place had been broken into and several items stolen. He immediately called the cops who came by and after doing a routine search of the home, arrested him. Why? He had called about his own home being broken into, right? Yep, but apparently he forgot about his profession as a computer thief. Police noticed the ID sticker of a local school on his home computer and found several other stolen school computers in a storage room behind the house. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today once again proves our theory that animals are smarter than your average bozo. From Belleville, Illinois comes the story of bozo Ron Lucas who was wanted by the cops for several outstanding warrants. When he was pulled over for a traffic violation, he jumped from his car and sprinted away through a pasture at a horse farm. The cops lost track of him when he took refuge in a shallow, water filled ditch, covering himself with mud to avoid detection. His plan might have worked except several horses in the field had seen the whole thing and a group of them gathered around our mud covered bozo to see what was going on. Officers came over to investigate and fished him out.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Santiago, Chile, where a gang of bozos entered a jewelry store and forced the employees to open the gem cases. As they were busy helping themselves, store employees began to shout for help. An alert passerby noticed what was going on and pulled down and locked the security shutters on the outside of the store. Trapped like rats, our bozos tried to negotiate a deal with the store employees, let them go and they won’t take anything. Not gonna happen. The police quickly arrived and hauled our bozos to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Leverkusen, Germany, where it’s been extraordinarily cold this winter, comes the story of bozo Karl Spiegel who attracted the attention of the cops by walking around in the bitter cold wearing only a thin jacket. The cops suspicions were aroused enough that when he walked into a department store they decided to follow him to see what he was up to. The cops were amazed at his transformation. He entered the store as a thin young man but when he was ready to leave he had undergone what looked to be a tremendous weight gain, kind of like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor. That was because he had slipped on a shirt, pullover sweater, heavy jacket, several pair of underpants and one pair of swimming trunks, all underneath his clothing. His wardrobe is now provided by the city jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Beaufort West, South Africa comes the story of bozo Salaam Kimala who hijacked a truck, tying up the driver and continuing on the highway toward Capetown. When our bozo noticed a number of police cars at a truck weigh station up ahead, he panicked and jumped out of the truck, ditching it on the side of the road. Left behind were his ID booklet, drivers license and firearms license. The police had not received word of the truck hijacking and wouldn’t have suspected a thing had they not seen him running from his abandoned vehicle. He’s now under arrest.