Yearly Archives: 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia. Bozo Alan Finch was arrested for stealing candy from a vending machine. Our bozo had developed a technique whereby he reached up into the machine and snatched chocolate bars, snacks and drinks. Perhaps all the extra calories caused our bozo to gain a little weight because this time, as he was showing off in front of his friends, his hand became stuck. After his friends had no luck freeing him, they called the authorities. It took rescuers over and hour to get him loose. The only snacks he’ll be getting his hands on for a while will come from the jailhouse kitchen.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1139: If you’re going to commit a crime, wear the proper clothing. From North Wildwood, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Shawn West who was trying to rob a concession stand at a New Jersey pier. Bozo Shawn was fashionably attired in a pair of those extremely baggy jeans and when the roll up door of the stand went up it took along him and his jeans. The cops found the 17 year old hanging by his drawers. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sacramento, California where bozos John Hampton and Paul Sloan worked well as a team. John would hold up the bank and Paul would wait outside in the getaway car. Things were going extremely well, in fact the police estimated they had pulled of at least 15 successful robberies before Paul made a fatal error in judgment. While John was inside a Sacramento bank, Paul noticed a nice new car wash across the street. And since the old getaway car was kind of dirty, he decided to run it through the wash while John was doing his thing. Sad to say, the car wash was busy that day and our bozos were still waiting for the car to emerge when the cops arrived and arrested them both.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Shanghai, China comes the story of a couple of lovesick bozos who really meant no harm to anyone but ended up getting themselves arrested anyway. Our Chinese bozos learned of a fad in Japan where couples walk around handcuffed together as a show of their devotion. So our bozos bought themselves a pair of handcuffs on a recent trip to Japan and couldn’t wait to get back home to show them off. They handcuffed their wrists together and went for a little stroll. They didn’t get very far before a tourist spotted them and, thinking something might be wrong, pointed them out to a policeman. The cop, obviously not a fan of young love, told them that it’s illegal in China to use police equipment for anything other than their original purpose and hauled them in. He eventually let them go, but kept the cuffs. Can’t they just go to Zale’s like everyone else?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Roberts for sending in today’s report. From New Orleans, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Sam Lucas who was a wanted man. New Orleans police were searching for him in connection with a murder case. He was also a man in need of a cab and he walked up to a security guard at a bus station and asked if he could direct him to one. The security guard was a moonlighting detective from the New Orleans police force. And wouldn’t you know he was working on our bozo’s case. He recognized him immediately and instead of showing him to a cab he gave him a free ride to the police station.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where the local movie house was hosting a special screening of "The Wizard of Oz". To promote the movie, the theatre had a giant pair of ruby slippers constructed. And very impressive they were, carved from styrofoam, five feet long and absolutely covered with red glitter. The slippers were placed atop the theatre’s marquee and the temptation must have proved too much for our bozo, as the next morning the slippers were gone. It didn’t take the cops long to crack the case, however. All they had to do was follow the trail of red glitter to our bozo’s apartment nearby.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Horna Streda, Slovakia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was driving a car with a broken fuel gauge. Fearing he was about to run out of fuel, our bozo stopped at a gas station, hopped out and peered into his gas tank to see how much fuel was left. Not being able to see down the nozzle, he got out his cigarette lighter and used it to illuminate the tank. Apparently there was more gas in there than he thought as the tank quickly ignited. Our bozo was able to flee to safety before the tank blew but the explosion destroyed much of the gas station.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Merriam, Kansas where bozo Dick Starnes thought he had found the perfect disguise for his little crime spree. He bought several pair of pantyhose in different colors and set forth to rob as many places as possible. At his first stop he pulled the brown pair over his head but before he could walk in the manager saw him and locked the front door. Not to be deterred our bozo pulled a gray pair over his head and successfully robbed a store. Then he pulled a black pair over his head and tried to stick up a convenience store. He did get some cash and a carton of cigarettes before he sprinted out the front door. But the black pantyhose must have obscured his vision because he then ran headfirst into a dumpster, spilling his loot everywhere. He grabbed what he could and stumbled to his car. Unfortunately, all the commotion had attracted the attention of a passerby who jotted down his license plate number. The cops arrested him before he could cause any more trouble.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Penn for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kochi, Japan comes the latest entry into the Bozo Hall of Fame. An unidentified bozo was out of a job and in dire need of money. He wanted to rob a bank but wasn’t sure exactly how to do it. So, what did he do? He dropped by the local police station and asked an officer how to go about robbing a bank. Instead the officer showed him how you go about getting yourself arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where perhaps a little research on the part of our bozos would have helped out. Bozo Thomas Ingram and two of his buddies broke into a closed Chicago restaurant last Thursday evening and pried the ATM machine from its bolts. They then attempted to toss the contraption into the back seat of their 1993 Cadillac DeVille. While this is a large car, the back seat wasn’t quite large enough for an ATM, so they took off with the back door half open and the ATM partially hanging out. Not surprisingly, this attracted a police officer who pulled them over and made the arrest. It was what they didn’t know about the machine that made them true bozos. The ATM had been out of order, and money, for more than two years. And the restaurant owner had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the useless machine.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Fitzgerald for sending in today’s report. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of bozo Hector Garcia who ripped off his insurance company and a car alarm company by faking the theft of his truck. He got $7000 and a new pickup out of the deal and was so proud of himself he just had to tell someone what he had done. Unfortunately, he told the wrong someone. He called a San Antonio radio talk show host and explained in detail how his little scam had worked. An FBI agent listening to the show took interest in the case and using the date and other information our bozo had given out freely over the air was able to figure out exactly which case he was talking about. A warrant was issued and our bozo now faces up to five years in jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Madisonville, Kentucky where police responded to a call of two trucks being driven strangely on a rural road. The bozo would drive one truck 100 yards or so, stop, walk back to the second truck, drive it 100 years past the first truck, then walk back to the first truck, drive it and so on. The police asked our bozo what he thought he was doing. He replied that his brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks so he was driving both of them home. Of course, our bozo was also drunk and was arrested for DUI.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville, Mighigan where bozo Cassidy Vance broke into a residence only to be confronted by the owners of the house. They told our bozo they were having a party that evening and could he please come back tomorrow night to rob the place. Our bozo processed this suggestion for a moment and said, "Sure." Believe it or not, he did show back up the following evening. This time the homeowner wasn’t so nice. He roughed him up a little bit before calling the cops. By the way, our bozo is now suing the homeowner for his injuries.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Toronto, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo David Owens who just didn’t know when to keep his big mouth shut. Our bozo was arrested and tried on assault charges but was cleared by a jury after proclaiming his innocence on the stand. After the trial our bozo walked up to the arresting officer and said, "Off the record, it was me. They had it coming." The officer immediately reported the conversation and our bozo was indicted for perjury on the witness stand.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Drtangyn Sewell walked into a drug store, grabbed the cash register off the counter and ran. Our bozo was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice that he had torn off the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The cops said it wasn’t hard to spot our bozo, running down the street, carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Genoa, Italy where a gang of three bozos drilled a hole through the wall of a bank. The first two bozos slithered right on in. Our third bozo had stayed a little too long at the all you can eat pasta bar and couldn’t fit through the hole. So he just stayed outside and served as the lookout, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with bozos here. Instead he walked to the front door of the bank and banged on it, asking his buddies to let him in. Don’t know if they did, but we do know the closed circuit camera at the front door got a good enough picture of our bozo that he was apprehended the next day. Where’s Richard Simmons when you really need him?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo John Powell who was driving down the shoulder of the road when a police officer spotted him. And what he saw caused the officer to immediately stop him. Our 180 pound bozo was cruising along at about three miles per hour on a Fisher Price Power Wheels kids tricycle and unbelievably it was holding up under his weight. Our bozo told the officer he was going to his uncle’s house but couldn’t offer any explanation as to why he chose to use a child’s toy to get there. He’s been charged with public drunkenness.

Bozo criminal for today is a two time loser. From the International File in Cairo, Egypt comes the story of a bozo was was truly down on his luck. First he was unlucky enough to be incarcerated for theft. His luck didn’t get any better when he ws included in a group of eight other cons who were attempting to break out. They made a human ladder, standing on each other’s shoulders and climbing over the prison wall. Our bozo was the poor guy at the bottom. The other prisoners used his shoulders as a step to freedom and he was left standing all by himself at the bottom of a 14 foot wall, looking for a way out. He didn’t find it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Edwardsville, Pennsylvania where bozo Thomas Herndon stole a car. The police were notified and were alerted to be on the lookout for a stolen white vehicle. A short time later one of the patrol officers noticed something strange going on in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Upon further inspection he discovered it was our bozo busily painting the stolen white car black. In full view of any and everyone in the parking lot. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File on the Island of Crete where two bozos robbed a bank and fled with their loot. Witnesses gave the cops a description of the getaway car and the police spotted them getting out of that car and entering a building. And that’s where our bozos got caught with their pants down. Literally. The police followed them in and caught them shedding their masks along with their trousers. Their plan was to change into swimming trunks to that they would blend in with the town’s many tourists. It didn’t work. They’re instead blending in with the prison population.