Monthly Archives: September 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Al McBride for alerting us to this one from LaSalle, Illinois where bozo John Plyler just couldn’t wait to start living the high life. Bozo John held up a bank and then safely returned to his hotel. It was here, while counting his loot, that he decided that Chicago was the place he needed to be, and he wanted to go in style. So he ordered a limousine to pick him up outside his hotel. Unfortunately for him, the limo driver was a retired cop who thought our bozo seemed to be acting a little odd. Playing a hunch, he called the cops who identified him as the bank robber and asked the limo driver to just drop him off at police headquarters.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas where bozo Michael Rogers was breaking into cars in the neighborhood and stealing their stereos when a group of residents discovered him and gave chase. He got away only to return a few minutes later. This time he walked up to one of the very residents that had caught him earlier and asked for a ride to the local pawnshop. Sure, he told our bozo, but instead delivered him to the police station. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report from the International File in Graz, Austria. There are many ways to prepare for robbing a bank. Did our bozo "case the joint" to make sure he would not be caught? No. Did he do some research to discover the best way to break into the bank? Nope. Did he pay off someone on the inside to help him out? Of course not. Did he guzzle a bottle of schnapps to calm down his nerves before pulling the job? Yep. And before he could make it to the bank he passed out in his car with his gun in the seat beside him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia where bozo Thomas Tedder pulled off a big robbery at a casino, getting away with several hundred thousand dollars worth of cash. How he thought he’d get away with it we’ll never understand. He pulled the heist from the Crown Casino’s high roller room that is open to members only. Before he was even able to enter, he had to use his special key card and pass an elaborate security check, including a retinal scan. Plus, of course, every inch of the place is covered by security cameras. Casino officials simply turned our bozos membership card over to the cops who had no trouble finding and arresting him.

Bozo criminal for today must have gotten his signals crossed somewhere. From Mill Valley, California comes the story of bozo Carlos Alavarez who worked at the local KFC and sold a little marijuana on the side, using "code words" given by customers at the drive-thru window. When one of his customers ordered his meal with extra biscuits he instead received a baggie of marijuana. The disgruntled customer returned the weed to the cashier and, after getting his biscuits, called the cops. They stopped at the drive-thru and arrested our bozo. Which brings us to a new Bozo Rule: If you’re going to sell pot at the drive-thru window, don’t make your code words items on the menu.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tomso, Norway. Our unidentified bozo was truly in the wrong place at the wrong time when he was involved in a minor car accident. As he was exchanging information with the other driver, our bozo told him that he wanted to hurry up and get things done before the police arrived because he was afraid he was over the legal limit for intoxication. And that’s when the other driver told him, "I must tell you something bad. I am the police." He had literally run into a plain clothes officer driving his private car. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo Janet Porter was due in court. As she was approaching the bench a sheriff’s deputy noticed a plastic bag protruding from her braided hair. Upon further investigation the bag was found to contain 28 rocks of cocaine. It was then that she came up with the excuse of the week. She said she found the baggie in the courthouse bathroom and must have accidentally gotten it caught in her hair when she was putting it up. Another Bozo busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida where bozo Steve Taylor worked as a shift manager for a group of McDonalds. Perhaps deciding he wanted to pattern himself after the hamburglar, he put his inside knowledge to use in an attempted robbery at one of the restaurants. Things started to go sour when his mask slipped and one of his victims recognized him as one of the store’s managers. She kept her mouth shut until the cops arrived and then she identified our bozo. He was arrested when he showed up for his regular shift at another McDonalds.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From Santa Fe, New Mexico comes the story of bozo Eddie Taylor who learned the hard way that it doesn’t always pay to be a good samaritan. Police officers were on the scene of a traffic accident when bozo Eddie stopped by and did his best Barney Fife impersonation, offering them free advise about how they could better do their jobs. This is probably not the best thing to do under any circumstance and it’s certainly not advised if you’re staggering and slurring your words. The officers stopped what they were doing just long enough to arrest our not so helpful bozo on public intoxication charges.

Sometimes Bozo Crooks have Bozo Girlfriends and that’s the case in today’s story from Birmingham, Alabama where bozo Jayme Abrams robbed a bank at gunpoint. He pushed the tellers behind a filing cabinet and got away with a significant amount of cash. Unfortunately, while moving the cabinet, he laid down his gun, which he left behind when he fled. The next day his girlfriend called the police to report his gun as stolen. Authorities were quickly able to match our bozo to the gun and place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from High Point, North Carolina. Bozo David Hanks made a couple of mistakes in embarking on his life of crime. First he chose to break into a church, never a good idea. Second, instead of breaking in through a door, he tried to squeeze in through a small window. This was an especially poor idea considering he’s six feet tall and 235 pounds. You guessed it. He got stuck. Neighbors called the cops after hearing his calls for help. It took four officers pushing and pulling to get him unstuck so they could arrest him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Walter Gilden for sending in today’s report. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of bozo Tyrone Hardy who was in dire need of transportation. He spotted a nice looking van at a gas station and decided to pull a quick carjacking. His first mistake was choosing a minivan that was full of passengers. His problems were compounded by the fact that those passengers were all members of a judo club that was in LA to teach a class in self defense. Arresting officers said club members had our bozo on the ground and twisted up like a pretzel when they arrived.

Bozo criminal for today wins this month’s award for stupidest disguise. From Augusta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Michael Payton who tried to hold up a convenience store while wearing a styrofoam beer cooler on his head. He punched a hole in it so he could see but it muffled his voice so much that the clerk couldn’t understand what he was saying. While he was trying to get his point across another customer in the store noticed that our bozo was armed with only a pellet gun. He grabbed it and pushed our bozo out the door where he was soon caught by the cops.

No Bozo for today. Remember 9-11.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jamie Axthelm for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank in a small town and demanded cash. After the teller handed him a bag of loot, the robber went into full bozo mode. He then told her to deposit 350 million crowns (about $37 million) into his bank account, handing her his account number on a piece of paper and walking out. It goes without saying the cops had no trouble tracking him down.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia. Bozo Alan Finch was arrested for stealing candy from a vending machine. Our bozo had developed a technique whereby he reached up into the machine and snatched chocolate bars, snacks and drinks. Perhaps all the extra calories caused our bozo to gain a little weight because this time, as he was showing off in front of his friends, his hand became stuck. After his friends had no luck freeing him, they called the authorities. It took rescuers over and hour to get him loose. The only snacks he’ll be getting his hands on for a while will come from the jailhouse kitchen.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1139: If you’re going to commit a crime, wear the proper clothing. From North Wildwood, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Shawn West who was trying to rob a concession stand at a New Jersey pier. Bozo Shawn was fashionably attired in a pair of those extremely baggy jeans and when the roll up door of the stand went up it took along him and his jeans. The cops found the 17 year old hanging by his drawers. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Sacramento, California where bozos John Hampton and Paul Sloan worked well as a team. John would hold up the bank and Paul would wait outside in the getaway car. Things were going extremely well, in fact the police estimated they had pulled of at least 15 successful robberies before Paul made a fatal error in judgment. While John was inside a Sacramento bank, Paul noticed a nice new car wash across the street. And since the old getaway car was kind of dirty, he decided to run it through the wash while John was doing his thing. Sad to say, the car wash was busy that day and our bozos were still waiting for the car to emerge when the cops arrived and arrested them both.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Shanghai, China comes the story of a couple of lovesick bozos who really meant no harm to anyone but ended up getting themselves arrested anyway. Our Chinese bozos learned of a fad in Japan where couples walk around handcuffed together as a show of their devotion. So our bozos bought themselves a pair of handcuffs on a recent trip to Japan and couldn’t wait to get back home to show them off. They handcuffed their wrists together and went for a little stroll. They didn’t get very far before a tourist spotted them and, thinking something might be wrong, pointed them out to a policeman. The cop, obviously not a fan of young love, told them that it’s illegal in China to use police equipment for anything other than their original purpose and hauled them in. He eventually let them go, but kept the cuffs. Can’t they just go to Zale’s like everyone else?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Roberts for sending in today’s report. From New Orleans, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Sam Lucas who was a wanted man. New Orleans police were searching for him in connection with a murder case. He was also a man in need of a cab and he walked up to a security guard at a bus station and asked if he could direct him to one. The security guard was a moonlighting detective from the New Orleans police force. And wouldn’t you know he was working on our bozo’s case. He recognized him immediately and instead of showing him to a cab he gave him a free ride to the police station.