Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Klager for sending in today’s report. From Germantown, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Michael Cooper who was pulled over by the cops for doing 85 in a 65 mile per hour zone. That in itself is not necessarily a bozo offense. It’s the reason he gave the police for driving so fast that placed him firmly in Bozoland. He said he was in a hurry to get to Milwaukee to pay a traffic ticket. He now has two tickets that he needs to pay.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Huntsville, Texas comes the story of three very bored bozos. Looking out their apartment window, they noticed a large paving and smoothing machine that had been used to resurface the parking lot had been left unguarded overnight. So at 1:45 in the morning a couple of the bozos climbed aboard and took the big machine for a little spin while the third bozo videotaped the whole thing. Of course this caused quite a bit of racket and the neighbors called the cops but by the time the officers arrived they had parked the machine and returned to their apartment. And our bozos might have gotten away with everything except that they left their apartment door wide open and were watching the videotape and laughing and whooping it up as one of the officers happened to pass by.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where bozo Christopher Carson was driving a vehicle he had stolen when it ran out of gas. And of course, being a bozo, he wouldn’t want to walk to the nearest gas station. Instead he flagged down a passing sheriff’s deputy and asked for a lift. During the trip our bozo gave the deputy a name that did not turn up during a routine check. So, he radioed another officer to run a check on the vehicle’s license plates. When they turned up stolen our bozo was given a lift. But not the one he had asked for. This one took him straight to jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Marquez Lane was a snazzy dresser. And that’s just what got him into trouble. Our bozo held up a bank that he used to work for. He took all the proper precautions. He wore a mask and he even tried to disguise his voice. Yet the teller was still able to give the cops a positive ID. How? It was the shoes. The same shoes that he always wore to work. The very distinctive blue suede ones. When the cops arrived in his home our bozo still had them on and the loot was still in his pocket.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tyler, Texas where bozo Roberto Rodrigues returned to his home to find it being burglarized. Thinking quickly, he blocked the suspect vehicle in the driveway with his own truck and called the cops. In the meantime, the burglars fled on foot. When the cops arrived, our bozo gave them a description of the thieves and then allowed the police into his home to take a look around. And that’s when his troubles really began. In plain sight in the house were several bags of marijuana and a plastic baggie containing an unknown powdery substance. Busted! But we’re not done yet. The officers were then called to a nearby home where 18 year old bozo Florencio Lopez reported his car as being stolen. (Remember the vehicle was left behind). Officers immediately recognized him from the description of one of the burglars. He was arrested,too.
Bozo criminal for today needs to pick up one of those self-help books on finishing what you start. From Queens, New York comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank in the early afternoon and handed the teller a holdup note. Before the teller could give him any money our bozo got cold feet and ran. After spending about 30 minutes building up his confidence our bozo walked into another bank and tried again. He handed the teller a note and once more he got weak in the knees and ran out before getting his cash. Perhaps remembering the old adage, try, try again, our bozo once again gathered up all the courage he could muster and walked into yet another bank. The loser again gave the teller a note and again began to sweat and feel short of breath. You know the story, he ran out without getting any money. But he’s not the only one coming up empty handed…the cops are still looking for him.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where bozo James "Houdini" Persons was arrested by the cops under suspicion of burglary. Our bozo was handcuffed and placed in the back of a patrol car while the cops interviewed other witnesses. Within less than five minutes our bozo slipped out of the handcuffs, tore off the inside door panel, disabled the mechanism for opening the door, climbed into the front seat where the keys had been left in the ignition and drove off. He then quickly dumped the car and went home. And that’s where his plan blew up in his face. He had already given the officers his home address. They simply drove over to his place and arrested him again, hopefully using a better pair of handcuffs this time.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to today’s story. From Logan, Utah comes the story of a 91 year old bozo who just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Bozo Clarence Sloan has allegedly been stealing electricity from the local power company for years and years, maybe as far back as the 1940’s. He simply stripped the insulation from electric company wires and tapped onto the line, bypassing the meter box. And so how was our power stealing bozo finally caught? When he called the power company to complain when there was a power outage in the area.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 2323, which states that when smuggling, it’s usually a good idea to try to conceal the items you’re trying to sneak in. From the International File in the Czech Republic comes the story of a bozo panty smuggler. Our bozo, who wanted to try to avoid paying import duties on the ladies undergarments, was arrested as he tried to cross the border with 1400 pairs of women’s underpants in his car. Guards said every available space in the car, from the doors to the dashboard, was crammed with panties. He faces a whopping $27 fine.
From the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil comes the story of bozo smuggler Johann Zoller. Our bozo was trying to sneak some parakeet eggs from Brazil into Austria. He came up with a plan whereupon he would place the parakeet eggs in a sock and place the sock in his pants, hoping to slip through customs undetected. What he may not have taken into account was that the temperature in his underwear was just right for incubation. And you guessed it, the baby birds had already begun to hatch when customs officials arrested him. He’s been charged with animal trafficing.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for contributing today’s report. We all know that being a bozo crook is hard, dirty work, but maybe our bozo for today took it a little too far. From the International File in Durban, South Africa comes the story of our bozo who broke into a home and ransacked it, gathering up three bags of valuables. Then instead of fleeing with his loot, he decided to take a nice, hot bath. And that’s where the homeowners found him when they returned home, soaking in their bathtub. Police are still looking for him as he was able to make a "clean" getaway.
They say that love is blind. Apparently it also makes you stupid. From Daytona Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Wayne Starnes whose girlfriend was behind bars in the Daytona Beach Jail. Our lovesick bozo was told by his girlfriend that she had written him letters every day while she was in jail. But he hadn’t recieved them. Not a single one. And she must have also told him they were juicy love notes, too. Because our bozo, thinking the prison guards where keeping his mail from him, tried to break in to retrieve the purloined letters. He was arrested after trying to scale the west guard tower of the jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho where bozo Patrick Bradley held up a bank, getting away with a small amount of cash. Most crooks, after committing a crime, quickly flee the area to lessen their chances of being caught. Bozos, however, never follow the rules. Our bozo walked a short distance down the street and stopped into a barber shop where he requested a shave, wanting to get rid of his bushy mustache. The barber told him there were other customers ahead of him and he would have to wait his turn. He sat down for a while and then asked to borrow the phone to call a cab. When the taxi arrived, our bozo noticed there were also several police cars in the area and instead of getting in the cab, ran off down the street. He was quickly captured by the cops and hustled off to jail where we’re sure they have a fine barber who will give our bozo the shave he wanted.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bobby Batch for sending in today’s report. From Davenport, Washington comes the story of a group of bozos who had an elaborate plan to rob a tire store. They drove their car into one of the shop’s bays and while one of our bozos requested a new set of tires, the two other bozos walked inside the store. One bozo distracted the tire store employee while the other bozo opened the cash register and grabbed the cash. Now, all they have to do is jump in their car and make a clean getaway, right? Wrong. Remember they had asked for a new set of tires? The guy in the shop is trying to take care of them. Their getaway car is three feet off the ground with all four tires removed. Our bozos tried to flee on foot but were quickly apprehended.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tina Romans of Longview, Texas for contributing today’s report. From Elmont, New York comes the winner of our Bozo Weapon of the Month Award. Bozo Adam Oliver wanted to hold up a gas station but he didn’t have a gun or even a knife so he used what was handy. He grabbed a toilet plunger, stuck it under his coat and demanded money from the attendant. As you might imagine, even under a jacket a toilet plunger doesn’t look much like a gun. The attendant simply said "No way!" and our bozo turned and ran, dropping the plunger on the way out. Our 18 year old bozo and future plumber was arrested by the cops a short time later.
Bozo criminal for today must have let the batteries run down in his watch. From Vernon Township, New Jersey comes the story of bozo James Drake who was planning to hold up a local bank. Our bozo arrived ready to do the job. He even put on his ski mask before he got out of the car. He strode purposefully up to the front door of the bank and gave it a mighty tug. The door didn’t budge. So he gave it a push. Still didn’t budge. Not realizing that it was past the bank’s closing time, he banged on the door, hoping a helpful employee would let him in. (Not while you’re wearing a ski mask, you bozo!) Startled bank employees tripped the alarm and the cops quickly arrived and arrested him.
Bozo criminal for today wins our Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Award. From Vandalia, Ohio comes the story of Bozo William Lang who tried to clean out the dry cleaners. He threatened the clerk with a gun and told him to empty the cash register. Our bozo grabbed his cash and ws headed for the exit when he ran smack into a police officer who was coming in the front door. It seems our unfortunate bozo had selected a dry cleaners that was located next to the sheriff’s substation and many of the officers come in each day to pick up their uniforms.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Hastings, Nebraska where they’ve had some rough weather this winter. But neither hail nor sleet nor snow could keep bozo David Hoffman from his appointed rounds. Our bozo got a craving for some beer and was snowed in, so he stole the city snowplow from the storage shed and drove it 20 miles to a convenience store. And to show his good intentions, our bozo gassed up the snowplow before heading home. Only problem, he wrote a personal check to pay for everything. Thinking something might be up with a snowplow driver buying beer, the clerk called the cops and our bozo was soon arrested.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for pointing out this one. From Cleveland, Ohio comes the story of bozo Maxim Zukoff who had hoped to pull off a robbery at a computer company. He had set up an after-hours meeting with the company president and was fully prepared, wearing a bullet-proof vest and carrying a mask, duct tape, a machine gun and tons of ammunition. The robbery failed to come off, however, as the company president didn’t show up. Frustrated, our bozo headed for home and was only a couple of minutes from his destination when he got a little hot under the collar (those bullet-proof vests don’t "breathe"). He pulled over to the side of the road, got out of the car in sub-freezing weather and began removing his coat and vest. A police officer, noticing what was going on, stopped to see if he could be of any assistance. When he noticed that our bozo was sweating profusely despite the cold, the officer took a look inside the car and spotted our bozo’s tools of the trade. He’s now cooling off in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Legislative Branch. From Albany, New York comes the story of bozo New York State Assemblywoman Nancy Kaufmann who was the co-sponsor of anti-stalking legislation in the New York House. Last month her boyfriend had her arrested for making dozens of hang-up calls to his house and for posing as a cosmetics saleswoman to try to get his new girlfriend’s phone number. She was prosecuted under the very anti-stalking law that she herself drew up.