Yearly Archives: 2001

Our bozo for today had a problem we may all be able to relate to. From Tomah, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Josh Hamilton who stopped at the ATM to try to get himself some cash. And wouldn’t you know it, the stupid thing ate his card. Bank employees told him they wouldn’t be able to retrieve the card until sometime that afternoon. That just wasn’t good enough for our bozo who walked to his car and returned to the bank lobby with a tire iron. He then proceeded to give that bad ATM a darn good thrashing. He shouldn’t have done that. The police were called and our bozo was arrested, and that was just the beginning of his problems. A routine search turned up some marijuana in his pocket. And his card? He never did get it back.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Ryan Boothe who decided to hold up the branch of the Bank of Scotland on the hottest day of the year. And for such a hot day, he showed definite bozo skills in selecting his choice of apparel-a heavy winter coat and fur hat. He was able to get the teller to place about $8500 in a shopping bag and he headed for the exit where his getaway bicycle was waiting. He quickly discovered it’s tough to pedal while wearing a parka and to complicate things the dye packet in the money exploded, engulfing him in a cloud of red smoke. Momentarily stunned, he fell from the bicycle, losing his hat and sending his money scattering. As he tried to gather his cash and hat, the bank’s security camera got a clear shot of his face which the cops used to apprehend him.

bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Steven Stanberry liked to play around with explosives. He especially liked to fill garbage bags with helium and release them with burning fuses and explosives attached. When the fuse burned down the whole thing would explode in midair which our bozo thought was very cool. Everything was fine until one of his floating bombs went astray. It floated three miles before coming to rest on the roof of the Los Angeles County sheriff’s station whereupon it exploded. No one was hurt but it angered the cops enough that, using wind patterns, they were able to trace the bomb back to our bozo’s neighborhood where he was tracked down and arrested.

bozo Criminal for today comes from Crawford County, Arkansas where bozo Shane Lucas violated bozo Rule Number 7888: When you do a crime, don’t expect your parents to come bail you out. bozo Shane pulled off a burglary and got away with some cash but was brought in a few days later on suspicion of burglary charges. Our bozo called home and asked his father to come bail him out of jail, telling dad he could use the stolen money and even going so far as giving him the location where he had stashed the loot. Bad idea. He’s no longer just a suspect since dad called the cops and told them the whole story.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Boksburg, South Africa where our bozo had an awful sense of timing. Hoping to get away with some computer equipment, bozo Christian Haymes broke into the public library the other evening. Unfortunately for him he set off an alarm which alerted a group which was meeting in another part of the building. It was a local businessman’s organization and the featured speaker was the chief of police who was discussing ways to prevent crime. Here’s one way right here. The chief along with security staff nabbed our bozo burglar.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Bayou Blue, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Leon Clayton who burglarized a store where he worked, taking a little cash, a telephone and some whiskey. And it sounds like he may have taken a little too much whiskey as he was arrested a short time later walking naked down the middle of the road. Upon questioning, our bozo told the cops that he thought that by taking off all his clothes he would make himself invisible to the authorities. He was taken to jail in a borrowed raincoat.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Jo Will for sending in today’s report. From North Conway Village, New Hampshire comes the story of bozo Kevin Phillips who violated bozo Rule Number 3490: When you steal a car it’s usually a good idea to remember where you parked it. Our bozo heisted a bright red BMW and headed straight to the nearest bar to have a few drinks. When he came back out he tried the key in the lock and it wouldn’t fit. He looked at the key and looked at the car and tried it again and again the key wouldn’t work. Becoming frustrated, our bozo next picked up a brick and tried to smash the window. And that’s when he attracted the attention of the the cops, who came over and sorted the whole thing out. They discovered that our bozo’s car, the stolen one, was parked a few spaces away. Yep, he’d gone to the wrong car. He’s now been charged with theft and destruction of property.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for sending in this one. From the International File in Drogheda, Ireland comes the story of bozo Paul Fulham whose robbery skills still need a little work. Our bozo returned to his hometown on holiday and planned to rob a shop next door to his childhood home. He armed himself with a knife, put a mask over his face and headed next door to do the deed. But it seems he is a friendly sort and on his way to the shop he kept running into old friends and each time he would lift his mask to say hello to them. And to top it off, he was more than just a little inebriated and once he got into the shop he couldn’t find his way out. The police were called and helped him find his way to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Cardiff, Wales comes the story of bozo Christopher Downey who had just flown in from Dublin and discovered that his luggage didn’t make the trip with him. He reported it missing and the airline was able to track it down at another airport where officials opened the bag to confirm it belonged to Downey. Oops. Inside they found 65 blocks of hashish weighing about 35 pounds. The bag was forwarded to Cardiff and our bozo was busted when he came down to claim it.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Burck Knopf for sending in today’s report. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozos Alejandro Martinez and Cardell Betonia who couldn’t have picked a worse vehicle to try to steal. It was an old beat up GMC van with faded-out tinted windows and a curtain separating the driver’s area from the back of the vehicle. And it also happens to be owned by the police department. It’s used on stakeouts in suspected drug trafficing areas. That’s how a couple of officers were using it the other night, hiding in the back and keeping a lookout for drug dealers. Our bozos strolled by, noticed the keys in the ignition and jumped in. Before they got it started they got the shock of their lives when the cops pulled the curtain back and busted them.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. bozo Kristian Wyrostek must have gotten in a little bit of a hurry when he packed up a Sony Playstation that he had been renting from a local video store. He returned it to the store with a little something extra-a .22 caliber handgun. After finding the gun, surprised video store employees called the cops. When the police arrived at our bozo’s home to investigate they found about $50,000 worth of stolen goods (maybe he should have stolen a playstation for himself) and a small amount of drugs. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in a recent Dave Barry column. From Annapolis, Maryland comes the story of bozo Chad Wilson who was in violation of his parole and was being taken before the judge when he broke away and ran from the courtroom. Our bozo, with the deputies following close behind, ran to the nearby Maryland Inn where he hid in a closet. So far, so good. It’s when our bozo came out of the closet that his troubles really began. Inside that closet, for reasons unknown, was a full size bunny suit, complete with floppy pink ears. Yes, our bozo put it on. Yes, he was immediately spotted by the deputies and arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Donna Jean Johnson for sending in today’s report. From Athens, Texas comes the story of bozo Shannon Harvey who was a wanted man-in fact there were two outstanding warrants on him, including one for aggravated robbery. But that didn’t stop him from walking into the drivers license office to renew his license. DPS officers discovered the warrants while his license was being processed. He’s been arrested.

We’ve always said that if it wasn’t for bad luck, bozos would have no luck at all and that’s certainly the case today. Thanks to bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in this one. From Pamelia, New York comes the story of bozo Jeyvan Lang who was more than a little stoned and was weaving from lane to lane. And maybe he was a little paranoid, too, because when he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror, he did what seemed to him to be the logical thing. He pulled into the driveway of the first residence he came to, pretending to be going home. His ploy might have worked except this particular driveway belonged to the home of the very officer who was following him. He’s been charged with DUI and possession of marijuana.

bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Division. From Seattle, Washington comes the story of a group of cops who couldn’t tell the good guys from the bad. It all began when and 18 year old bozo stole a police car and a cop on bicycle patrol reported seeing the stolen vehicle. A patrol car arrived on the scene and was waiting at a stop light when a second patrol car arrived. The officer in the second car thought the driver of the first car was our bozo thief and proceeded to ram the vehicle with his car. The officer in the first car thought he was being attacked by the stolen car driver and opened fire. The officer in the second car returned fire and more that twenty shots were fired before the officers realized their mistake. Fortunately, no one was injured. In the meantime, our bozo thief thought better of things and drove the stolen patrol car to a police station and gave himself up.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Cape Canaveral, Florida comes the story of a group of illegal aliens who picked one of the worst possible spots to try to land their boat. Right in front of NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, one of the most closely guarded strips of shoreline in the United States. Apparently they were shooting for a beach near Miami and strayed a little too far north. And they didn’t help their cause any when the one member of the group who could speak English asked one of the armed NASA guards if he could borrow his cell phone to call for directions. They’re being held pending deportation back to their Chinese homeland.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Chita, Japan comes the story of a bozo who went to a great deal of trouble to collect theft insurance on his car. Using a backhoe he dug a large hole on some farm land owned by his father. He then pushed the car in and covered it up, claiming it was stolen and hoping to collect about seven thousand dollars to pay off debts. There were two basic flaws in his plan. Number one, he didn’t completely cover the car, a piece of it was sticking out of the ground. Number two, he didn’t let his father in on the scheme. When pops noticed the freshly dug spot of land with a part of a car sticking out of it he called the cops.

Thanks to many bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this story. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of bozo John Hanson who was celebrating the 4th of July with several of his friends by shooting off some fireworks. The group got a little loud and rowdy and the neighbors called the cops. Since it’s illegal to have fireworks in the city one of the bozo’s friends hid them before the police arrived. Finding nothing illegal, the police told the group to keep the noise down and left. End of story, right? Wrong! About 3 AM bozo John got hungry and went into the kitchen to warm up some lasagna. And that’s when he discovered where his friend had hidden the fireworks. In the oven. The kitchen was blown to bits but no one was seriously injured.

bozo criminal for today comes from Torrance, California where bozo Reggie Hampton pulled off a carjacking, jumping in and forcing the driver to slide over to the passenger’s side. Things started going downhill when our bozo discovered that the car was a standard transmission and he had never learned to drive stick. Instead of giving up and looking for another car our bozo strugged along, trying to get it going, even ordering the owner to help put the car into gear. By this time the barely moving car had attracted the attention of the cops. Realizing he was caught, our bozo tried to run but became entangled in the seat belt and was dragged a few feet by the slowly moving car before he was arrested.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for pointing out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Hutchison, Kansas comes the story of bozo Tom Hall who had a little too much to drink at a party. He met an old friend there who told him that her house was unlocked and it was OK for him to go over there and sleep it off. Telling her he knew exactly where she lived, our bozo left the party. Somewhere along the way he got a little confused but he did finally find what he thought was the right house. The backdoor was unlocked so he let himself in, stripped down to his underwear and climbed into the first bed he found. Sometime later the woman who was sleeping in that bed awoke to find a strange man passed out cold next to her. She jumped up and quickly ran next door to call the cops. They came over and awakened our bozo, telling him he was in the wrong house in the wrong bed with the wrong woman. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.