Monthly Archives: November 2001

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for passing this one along. From Novi, Michigan comes the story of bozo Tom Hamilton who was the assistant manager at a gas station. Needing some cash to feed a gambling habit our bozo stole $6000 in receipts that he was supposed to deposit. It was his effort to cover up the crime that landed him in the bozo Hall of Fame. Our bozo parked his car in a parking lot, hopped in the trunk and closed the lid. He then started to yell for help, attracting the attention of a passerby who called the cops. When the police arrived and released our bozo he told them he had been robbed and locked in the trunk…five days ago. Fine. Except that the woman who heard his cries and called the cops told them she saw him pull the car into the parking lot less than five minutes before. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Dr. Charles Florio for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole the costume of "Brutus the Buckeye", the mascot for Ohio State University, along with the car the costume was stored in. Police officers spotted the car a little later parked behind a building near the campus and decided to stake it out. Within a very few minutes they had their bozos. They were rather easy to spot, a couple of guys walking up to the stolen car, one of them wearing a scarlet and gray shirt with "Brutus" in big block letters across the front. That’s the mascot’s shirt, guess the bozo just couldn’t wait to try it on and show it off. They’re the official mascots of the jail now.

Thanks to many bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Queens, New York comes the story of bozo Jack Slater who held up a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank, getting away with over $7000. Our bozo must have thought the baseball cap he had on during the heist was a sufficient disguise because he returned to the same bank later that same week and attempted to open a savings and a checking account with some of the cash. A teller recognized him and called the cops who stopped by and arrested our bozo.

bozo criminals for today come from Belton, Missouri where bozos Colin Weems and Raymond Brown had a thriving business selling marijuana. It was doing so well the bozos formed a little company, "Dunn Deal Enterprises," and had business cards made up with their name, phone number and a picture of a fist gripping a wad of cash alongside a drawing of a marijuana leaf. The business went bankrupt when they handed one of their business cards to an undercover police officer. Maybe they should have called their little business "Dumb Deal Enterprises."

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending in today’s report. From St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo James Chavez who shoplifted a toy car, some medication, a few batteries, a pellet pistol and a flip phone from the local Wal Mart. He was quickly caught and charged with a misdemeanor. He must have really wanted this stuff badly because two days later he allegedly broke into the police station property room and stole those very items again, leaving behind more expensive stuff like a computer and an assault rifle. He’s now been charged with breaking into a police station, a felony.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Leuven, Belgium comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a sewing machine from a repair shop. A couple of days later our bozo returned to the shop, sewing machine in his arms, to ask for a manual and a needle for it. The staff recognized the machine and kept the bozo talking until the police arrived.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Walsall, England. Four bozos robbed a Chinese food delivery driver, striking him over the head with a package of prawn crackers and getting away with a large order of Chinese take out. Police were called and upon arrival they found the trail was still warm. Hot in fact. It seems one of the bags of food had sprung a leak, leaving a trail of curry sauce that led directly to our bozo’s flat nearby. They were arrested before they had a chance to enjoy their fortune cookies.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Seth Linthicum for sending in today’s report. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Stephen Harrigan who held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately in the confusion our bozo left his wallet behind at the scene of the crime, an oversight he discovered a few minutes later. And since he was still in the neighborhood, he decided to try to retrieve it. As he walked back into the store, he overheard the clerk on the phone to the police, describing him as five foot ten and 38 years old. "I’m six two," our bozo shouted, "And I’m 34 years old." The bozo was still trying to get the facts straight when the cops showed up and arrested him.

bozo criminal for today reveals that word of tighter security around airports hasn’t filtered down to the bozo ranks just yet. From the Tampa, Florida airport comes the story of bozo illegal Peruvian immigrant Maria Ramos who approached the Continental Airlines counter, dragging eight bulging duffel bags behind her. When she asked to buy a ticket to Newark the agent asked her the standard "Did you pack your own bags" question. To which our bozo answered, "Why do you need to know that?" Security was called and it was discovered that the bags were full of more than $25,000 worth of shoplifted clothing. She’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from the Domestic Affairs Division. From the International File in Cardiff, Wales comes the story of bozo Anthony Macnee. bozo Anthony became enraged when he discovered a text message on his wife’s cell phone that said, "I love you." He was so angry that he forgot that he himself sent the message when he was on a trip out of town. A heated argument ensued that culminated with the wife conking him on the head with the cell phone and the cops being called to settle things down.

bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana where bozo Clarence Thompson learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Our bozo was a known character around town and one time while talking to officers patrolling the area he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Our bozo set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for sending in this one from the International File in Fukuoka, Japan. It’s the story of a gang of bozos who raided a Japanese bank, getting away with 47 million yen. You would think with this much money crammed into a suitcase our bozos would hang on to it, but of course they didn’t. They jumped on a train and one of them stashed the bag in an overhead compartment several rows away from where they were sitting. This attracted the attention of a suspicious conductor who asked them about the bag. When they started acting nervous, the conductor confiscated the bag and went off to call the cops. When he returned, our bozos had jumped off the train, leaving their money behind.

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule Number 1090: It’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who reported this classic from the International File in Bucharest, Romania. This story reminds us of the old Alka Seltzer commercial about the guy who "couldn’t believe he ate the whole thing." Our hungry bozo broke into a bakery and found some cakes that were to his liking. So much to his liking that he ate 42 of them. Maybe he should have stopped at 41 because he suffered such severe indigestion that he couldn’t even move. Security guards heard moaning coming from the kitchen and called the cops who arrested our bozo.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Richard Soukup for sending in today’s report. From Blair County, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Nathaniel Lucas. Our bozo had been breaking into cars recently at the county ballpark, hitting at least four cars in the previous week. So Blair County police decided to send a police surveillance crew to the parking lot to keep an eye on things. This is not a small parking lot and out of all the cars in the lot, which one would a bozo choose to try to break into? The one with two police officers inside, of course. He’s been arrested.

bozo criminals for today come from New York City. No doubt you’re familiar with the button that many cell phones have that automatically dials 911 when pushed. Our bozos cell phone had that option and that’s what got them into trouble. Bozos Leshawn Davis and Tony Palmer were sitting around their apartment discussing in detail their plans to rob an nearby Taco Bell. Sometime during the conversation the 911 button was hit and the cops heard about 20 minutes of them planning their heist. They then decided to head to a nearby music store, where officers tracked them down and found them carrying marijuana and the cell phone, still connected to 911. They’ve been arrested.

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule Number 2347: After committing the crime, it’s usually a good idea to leave the area. From Longview, Washington comes the story of bozo Edmund Arnold who robbed a bank, then walked over to the convenience store nearby. He bought himself a beer, went outside and sat down on a park bench to enjoy his refreshing beverage. Unfortunately, the park was across the street from the police station. An officer looking out the window spotted him and noticed that he fit the description of the robber. The officer walked across the street and arrested him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for contributing today’s report. From Vista, California comes the story of bozo Evan Warner who entered a liquor store carrying a shotgun and wearing a long coat and a ski mask. After threatening the clerk he was given the cash from the register, about $100. As he turned to leave, the clerk grabbed the barrel of the shotgun and pulled it away. He also ripped the mask and the coat from our bozo who then ran off. Even though the cops had a good description of our bozo they didn’t have any leads as to just who he was…until he called the sheriff’s office to report his shotgun as stolen. He’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from Lodi, California where bozo Pierre Gomez drove up to the Valley National Bank and handed the teller a hold-up note. While the teller was pretending to get the money another teller pressed the silent alarm. Before our bozo even knew what was happening, his car was absolutely surrounded by cops. The reason? The Lodi police department is less than 50 yards from the bank.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for contributing today’s report. While we realize there’s a time and place for everything, our bozo probably picked the wrong time and the wrong place to pull his little stunt. bozo William Sloan was on trial in a New York courtroom. As the jury was being led back into the courtroom and prosecutors were about to call their final witness our bozo jumped up, took a swing at his attorney and said, "I’d like to state for the record that this man is not doing his job and that’s why I had to smack him in front of the jurors." The judge didn’t feel our bozo’s pain. He ordered him handcuffed to his chair while the trial continued.